Commitment?

I have commitment issues. It's becoming more and more obvious to me. My situation with him (we'll come him Transition) and buying a new car put the issue right in my face. When it comes down to commitment I always make the noun(s) less valuable. I choose to stick to what's comfortable for me. Please tell me someone else can relate to a degree

Undecided

Playing~"Gonna Fight"-J. Hud

I'm debating between these three cars. If you were buying a car, which one would you buy?

TSX gives you the most upfront. You don't have to spend additional money for little perks (i.e. heated seats). You do have to pay extra money for the technology package. The TSX is the cheapest of the three.


The IS was my favorite before I test drove the cars. It provides you with the smoothest ride and its the most quiet. However, you have to pay for almost every perk.


The G35 gives you the horse power. It's the most expensive, but it gives you the luxury feel. It's also is the most expensive of the three

Give me your feedback

mystery

I'm starting to believe something is wrong with me. I cannot stay interested in anyone for a length period of time (less than a month). Is anyone having this problem? I've always been this way. In the past six months, I've met two good guys. Both were into me, but something was missing. What they were missing I can't tell you. Both complained about me being guarded. I'm starting to think it's not the people, its me.

No agenda

Playing~"Gonna find my love"-Brandy

My friends and I are trying something different. We are taking a different approach to dating. We called it "no agenda". The concept is quite simple. Let your relationship progress naturally. We treat someone who is interested in us like we would treat a new associate. Ultimately, the ideal is for your partner to become your best-friend, right? Before we become lovers, lets become friends. Trying to do it in reverse is not working out to well.

This guy is interested in me and I'm sticking to my no agenda approach. I'm not sure if he is confused by it or just needs for things to move faster. I'm certain it's the latter. We had a conversation that went like this:

*we are in the middle of a conversation*
Him:Hold on
Me:Alright
Him: This boy keeps texting me. How do you want me to respond?
Me: {I know he is not pulling this BS} If you want to respond, respond. If you don't, then don't
Him:I don't like him
Me:{why are you telling me this} so don't respond
Him:Yeah, I haven't respond to him, but he keeps texting
Me:You have so many men. Go ahead with you bad self
Him:Nawl, I'm just trying to get one man.
Me:{sigh...he was doing so good until this BS}
Him: Hey, I have to hit you back.
Me:alright

I was so disappointed that he tried that juvenile mess. What type of new flanged sh*t is he on. I wasn't expecting something like that from a guy who is so smart. BIG made that same mistake. He was much less subtle, but that was part of the reason he is not around now. Sidenote: I think about him everyday. Anyway, I think everyone should take the "no agenda" approach. If you try it, let me know how it works out for you.

random

It's been 3 weeks and I haven't reached out to you. I know I'm coming across as an a**hole, but it's for your good. I would only hurt you in the end. I hope I wasn't a major influence factor in you getting a place in Atlanta.

I'm realizing I'm more in love with the image of love than love itself. Most people are they just don't realize it or don't want to admit.

I kinda wish we would have f**ked, but it's too late now. You were so in tune sexually I know you would have been on the money.

I'm stuck on waiting, but now I don't even have a reason to wait. I guess it's just habit to avoid or stop sexual advances.

Speaking of sex, I must have put some serious sexual energy in the air. People are coming out of the wood works.

Freak Freak contacted me...it's been like 4 months. I all but laughed him to death...was I wrong? What made him think I would change my mind and give him play now.

I'm trying to figure out why I keep having sexual dreams with me and random women.

An associate of mine decided to push up on me as well. Push up on me is saying it lightly...My legs were on his shoulders while he is bouncing me on his pelvis. Can you imagine a slim 5'8 dude legs being on the shoulders of a 6'4 solid built dude while he bouncing him up and down? I was holding on for dear life. Should I be embarrassed to say I liked it...lol.

I thought it was the liquor, but he wants the kid. I'll pass...I don't like the thought of sexing a friend of a friend. You know, we tell our friends 80% of our business and I can't have our mutual friend knowing all of my business.

Slick and I are in a weird place. I can't explain it. I'm growing at a much faster rate than he is and it's causing us to have an awkwardness.

Apparently, I'm exuding a different level of confidence and sexual energy that people aren't use to. I haven't changed my style of dress or anything. It's intangible

Do we give too much power to a nut?

Ph.D thinks we do. I was out with Ph.D and a few other associates. We discussed monogamy. Half of the table felt like monogamy was unnatural. We aren't wired to be with one person. We are naturally attracted to more than one person at one time.

They were okay with an open relationship, but the person had to be honest about their feelings and encounters. Their process was if the person meets all of my needs, I don't care about them busting a nut with someone else. What are you're thoughts on monogamy being unnatural? Could you handle an open relationship?

Personally, I couldn't deal with an open relationship. If I'm emotional invested in someone I don't want to share any intimate part of them with someone else. Call me old fashion

Unsure

I don't know if I really want you
You're safe for me
Your established, mature, and stable
I'm still not sure if I want you
You want me so bad
it makes me feel weird, because I don't want you as bad
You have been the only man to approach me correctly
which excited me
I felt like someone finally has sense
It immediately made me feel comfortable
and I'm still not sure if I want you
I think I feel like I should want you
I definitely don't want to look around realize I'm the old lonely dude at the bar
I'm afraid of being that guy
so much so it makes me want to be completely enthrotled with you
but I don't get that feeling
I don't feel extremely excited
I get anxious because you are the first man I've officially talked to
but I don't get overwhelmed
I'm not sure if the feeling even exist
I sure hope it does
I don't want to date you just because you can occupy some time
I shoulf desire you here
I'm just not sure

*random thought floating through my head about him. I hope it makes sense. I have to run to work.*

In my lifetime

I became teary eyed when the results came in from the election. I was overwhelmed with pride, joy, and sense of responsibility. I felt like I needed to dream bigger, work harder, and do better. When Barack was announced as President-Elect what emotions did you feel?



People all over the world celebrated this moment in history.

update

• I love how Bidden handle this lady without getting ugly.

• Has anyone saw W?
• How long did you have to wait to vote? A little over 2.5 hours for me...whew!
• My friend came out to his mother and it has caused drama for me and another friend. I don't know how his issues always cause me trouble.
• BIG and I haven't spoken in two weeks...sigh.
  
• Mr. Holy is abstaining from me, because I bring the devil out of him.
• John Legend's album...what do you think? Everybody knows (brilliant)
• Are you not tried of politics in the work place?
• Slick and I friendship is so fragile. Somehow, we remain friends through it all.

Forbidden Fruit

I had my suspicion when we first met, but I chose to dismiss it.
However, you gave me every sign of a curious church boy.
You gave me confirmation by talking about ex-girlfriends and getting married.
You further confirmed it by calling me at 1 am two days later.
I had become your forbidden fruit.
Everything in your fiber want to resist, but you were drawn away and enticed by your own lust.
A lust that you wish you didn't have.
Lust that would make you jump in your car and drive over here to satisfy it.
Satisfaction it typically what you received.
You like the pleasure, pain, and taste of it.
It makes you moan and say words you typically wouldn't say
After lust has been conceived it kills you with guilt and shame
You shun your lust and thoughts on how it's drawn to me.

quick update

I haven't posted in awhile, so I'm going to drop some info and random thoughts.

Do any of you guys want kids? If so, what are your plans to satisfy this desire? Do you feel like you will miss something if you don't have kids? I do! I don't know what my plans are to satisfy the desire, but I want them to be mine (genetically)

Big and I have been talking about us. I've been trying to explain to him it's not him. He's great. I just have a lot of things I need to sort through before I become so serious with someone. I think he is finally realizing he has to take it slow or have nothing at all.

Him understanding where I was coming from cleared up some space in my mind. This cute dude really tried to talk to me a week ago and I flirted back, but I couldn't receive what he was trying to do.

Is it me or are jobs trying to kick your @$$. They know the economy is beyond bad, so you're not going to jump ship with all of these uncertainties. My friend worked 16 hours Friday. He is a executive, but darn!

Little do they know, I plan on jumping the ship ASAP! I've been trying to have a meeting with my boss and her boss for the past 2 months about my development. I'm over it! I don't want to have the meeting anymore. 2 MONTHS...come on now! You don't have time for the meeting, but you have time to take my ideals to help my peers do their job.

Slick owns these shades and they are obviously for women. WTF is going on here?! I know you are a lady, but you know you're not a real lady, right? I discouraged him from wearing them once, but since then I haven't said anything.

I'm pretty sure I have to take my tonsils out. I had to fight a cold for the pass two months. Every month it starts with my throat getting sore and it turns into a cold.

Is it not funny when you catch a friend red handed being a hypocritic. I guess porn is not as disgusting as you said, huh. LMBO

Beyonce is back and causing controversy already. My friend tells me about this video that is similar to "Single Ladies". Who had the best video ciara or beyonce

I typically, don't talk about politics on here, but I can't resist Palin. I know they are like WTF were we thinking. LMBO

McCain...I don't even know what to say about that one.

Lesson Learned

What has been the biggest lesson you've learned this year?

If I had to choose one thing it would be "I'm not all that". I really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I became so free after I learned that lesson. I was more free to do whatever I felt. Yeah, people will talk and say whatever, but next week it will be someone else. Don't concern yourself with what others are thinking about you. I am not the President. People aren't constantly talking about me. They are just talking about me like they talk about everyone else. I know it sounds simple, but it was very liberating for me. I learned how to live me life. What has been your lesson?

Love, really?

I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.

I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.

Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."

It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.

Playing~Nothing-Brandy

Lies and truths

PH.D ( an older gay friend) tells me from time to time "you're going to end up with a woman". Slick has told me the same thing for years. When PH.D said it for the first time I was taken aback. We had been around each other at the most five times. I immediately tried to defend my gayness...lol. Heck, I'm just getting comfortable and here you are telling me I'm going to end up with a woman. I asked him to explain his logic. He has seen "me" several times. Guys who find men attractive, dated men, and in some cases loved men. However, the lifestyle proved to be lonely, exclusive, and messy, so they left it alone all together. PH.D simply thinks I don't fit into the culture and I'm too logical to stay somewhere I don't fit (this is true). He and I have discussed our logic on this issue several times. Actually, I agreed with a great deal of his reasoning, but my point was "I don't want to live a lie". Do I find woman attractive? Yes. Could I have sex with a woman? Yes. However, there is no denying that I find men attractive. I've always found men attractive.

I hate to admit it, but somedays I feel like PH.D is right. Today is one of those days.

Gossip and reality check

Playing~Fearless-Jazmine Sullivan

Typically, I don't gossip. If something doesn't pertain to me in any regard, I keep my mouth shut. In order for me to keep gossip down to a minimum I will tell the juice on the blog. Very few of you know who I am and you definitely will not know these individuals.

After I text my brother he calls me back. We talk about how difficult it is to find Jazmine's cd, ( Circut City has it on sell for $8.99 and most people to go there for music) and his final break up with his on and off again girlfriend for the pass 2 years. I'm yawning at this part. We discuss his agenda for this coming weekend. How exciting it's going to be to get together. He is coming up with his brothers (he recently joined another org.). Then, he drops the bomb. "Bruh, a brother tried to holler at me." He tries to keep the person's identity private, but he gives up and tells everything. Everyone thinks my brother gets down. He denies it adamantly, but people don't believe him. Some say they have proof that he is gay. I never wanted to hear those facts. He has done some questionable things throughout the years. I.E. he brings a guy who he claims he didn't know all that well back home with him for a trip. Only for the guy to try and sleep with another brother, which makes everyone question him. He also disappeared on me one night while staying with me in the A. He claims his phone died, he got lost, and he slept in his car. You know, I'm giving him the side eye, right? Anyway, the brother gets in touch with him and is subtle with his approach. He is completely missing it, so the other brother just comes out with it. He lets the brother know he doesn't get down and he is not mad at him. They change the topic to girls...go figure. I'm laughing my behind off on the phone. How embrassing is that?

At that time, I realized....wait, I'm not out. I have these reality checks from time to time. I've been in Atlanta for 2 years away from everything that was familiar and they haven't seen the change in my sexuality. Overall, I carry myself the same. I wonder when will I come out to the people who matter?

random

It's a mess when you're in the parking lot to go to the club and out of nowhere your stomach decides it has some business to handle. Now, you have to decide do I drive all the way back home or do I get my party on?

Don't we all wish we had the gift Ludacris has in his recent video? The laughter would never end

Why was one of friends contemplating talking to an unemployed, "ex" crackhead, who rotates in and out of jail? MFer are you really excited about meeting this dude?! DARN, are times becoming this hard? Stop playing this dude is a hustler....HELLO!

People are just catching on to MIA "Paper Planes". Is not everyone remixing it? Swagger like us..

Would you become concern if a friend gets drunk by themselves?

I waivered back and forth with my decision concerning BIG and I. He never knew. I'm solidified in my decision now. He is great;but, I know what I don't want. We will see how I'm doing when he visits this coming weekend. I know he has a trick or two. Let's pray that I have on the Whole armor of the Lord, so his tricks don't get a treat. AMEN?! Alright!

I love all of these youtube shows the kids are coming up with these days.

Have you ever looked at your check and realized someone is getting f**ked.

Don't let your friends advise you on your relationships those suckers will have you flip flopping all over the place.

Why does your job think they can call you on your day off? Then, they leave voicemails like "you never answer when I call, but..."

I haven't partied in two weeks. Maybe I'll feel the spirit this weekend. Probably not, I usually go out once a month. Heck, I turned it out so bad last time. I may need two months off.

I saw Lakeview Terrace its a good movie. I still haven't seen The Family that preys.

Have you ever wanted to discipline your boss? You look at them and think you need your @** beat. Please remove yourself from your position

Funny crap has happen all week long and now I can't think of a thing!

Anyway, I've worked like a dog! I need a nap, because I'm struggling to finish with this post.

What now?!

Playing in the background~"Shirts & Skins"

I called it off with Big! Of course, I'm the "confused" guy. I expressed that I still want him around, but the distance wasn't going to work for me. I didn't find the distance to be fruitful for a romantic relationship. Friendship sounds good?! I hurt him, which is making me want to call him and repent. He was good! He thought we could work on it and I was running. He always thought I was running from him. I don't agree with him. He moved faster than most people I know, so I was slowing him down. I just don't know...sigh

I'm just thinking....

Is it real

Big is great! He's such a grown a** man and I love it! He wants to be everything I want. He admires everything from my bushy eyebrows to my southern slang. He finds my symmetry so attractive. Who pays that much attention?

However, I don't feel that magical feeling your suppose to feel when you are talking to someone. Actually, I haven't felt it in years (sigh...she was special). Am I capable? The question is have I allowed myself to get excited over an individual? hhhmm...I doubt it. This man is captured by a great deal of who I am and he has his sh*t together. No current or prior suitors come close to what he offers. Every time I go out he gains more points. He genuinely likes me. I think he's cool, but I don't feel sparks flying. Idunno?! We are definitely in two different places. He is ready to "marry" and I'm just getting my feet wet in the lifestyle. This time last year I had never talked to a guy on a romantic level.

What are the options? Go like most to clubs, parties, etc hoping this person pops up with a magical potion that makes me feel all warm inside. Hell, I have in my grasp on what most people are looking for. It's not like I have people beating my door down for a date

Give me your thoughts? When was the last time someone made you feel excited and anxious? Am I looking for something that may not exist? I wonder if I'm blocking myself

Update

Playing~Get up"- Mary Mary

This has been a very social weekend!

• Slick has been in and out of a funk for the pass two weeks and it's killing me. He felt a juke in his bones Friday, so we decided to head to the club.
• Bad move! He enjoyed himself, but he was trippin' about his lack of dance partners. He isn't getting play, so he is really questioning himself.
  
• I was not in the mood to go out, so he was afraid I wouldn't dance. I turned the freakin' club out. My alter-ego decided to come out and play. He hasn't shown up in some time. I definitely represented for my home state (we invited booty music, you can't out do me.). This dude was trying to take me home and poke me. You no poka me, me a poka you. My dancing is quite misleading in most cases.
• To make matters worse, after the club we went to this guy's house. Slick is casually talking to this dude and he's trying to flirt with both of us. When I tell you a HELL NAWL rose up in Slick's spirit I was shocked. He wasn't mad at me, but he couldn't believe the dude kept coming for me even when I was clearly encouraging them to get together.
• I've sent him uplifting/funny personalize text message and encouraged him verbally, but he wants to be salty. I'm convinced that he enjoys the gloom. He does it too often. He needs to take a que from MJB ("work that") and chill out.
• I purchased Ms. Black this weekend. My friends have all given their Berries great reviews. I was up for a renewal and I wanted a phone that would last me for awhile, so I picked up Ms. Berry. She is giving me what I need.
• My place is still not together. I had a whole week to get my stuff together and it seems like I've been spinning my wheels. I lost so much space, so I've been given clothes away to make my stuff fit in my closet and two dressers.
  
• I met Mr. "Corey". He graciously invited me to a birthday party for one of his friends. I was a little nervous because I came by myself, I had no ideal what to wear (birthday party at a club...hhmmm) and Corey refused to respond to my text.
  
• I'm going to get him for putting me on blast about this blog.
  
• Corey will sneak you, so don't sleep on him. Parker is cute too.
  
• I felt slightly over dressed (button down with jeans), but I didn't look out of place. Corey helped me mingling with people and it worked out. I was a little cautious, because you know the kids are vicious. They will give you the side eye real quick. However, those people weren't entertained. I really enjoyed them being left in a corner to talk about people by themselves. Mfers get a hobby!
  
• The Crowd was diverse. You had guys who were dressed like kid & play and very professional career oriented people. You couldn't lose if you came to meet and greet...lol.
• Speaking of fine, about 60% of the attendees were HOT! One guy was so fine I took a moment of silence to reverence God and his parents, but something about him screamed tacky.
• The birthday boy was so humble. You would have never known it was his birthday. He was just adorable. He's cute too
  
• One guy who I mingled with talked me into drinking. I thought what the heck, I might as well. I drunk this big drink like I was a pro and it gave me the buzz of my life. He wanted me to keep drinking I was like oh no! One more would have made me a hot mess! I almost got the courage to tell him. Your print is showing through your jeans...BIG TIME!
  
• Children stop brining your fag-hags to everything you are invited to. I know you love her and she thinks she has a penis, but she doesn't! There is a difference between a woman who befriends a gay male and a fag hag. I don't like fag hags!
• Sunday, I went to church with fear of the Lord in my heart. I was praying that the church didn't blow up when I walked in. Boy, was I in for a treat. The pastor preached his socks off. I complete forgot about how HOT my neighbor was. Slick had to have a moment with the Lord about his thoughts towards this man. I refrained from Communion, but I was blessed by his words. I'm still happy now!
• God is so faithful! I have been being contray, but feeling his presence lets me know he is still there.
• Hopefully, this makes sense....update me
  

Update

Playing~"The 1"-Janet Jackson

I've moved from the amusement park. I missed the space already, but I'm happy to have left the most deplorable management staff. A ran into a few maintenance issues with my new places, but they are being fixed as I type. Comcast is coming to fix the mess they left. Okay, let's get to the stuff you guys came to read about (Pride, BIG, and my family visiting).

Pride was uneventful for me. I went to one club (trademark). I was underwhelmed by this experience. A lot of people, but nothing to make note of. I've had much more fun with just the atliens being in the building. I didn't tell you guys about this experience I had about a month ago. It was real hot, but I swear that negro was rollin' (on x). speaking of, people will shock you. I found out that an associate and a friend of my roll. Well, my friend decided to try it because his friend got some in the club. I was like WTF?!

He has finally been given a name...BIG. We went on a date on Friday Night. He just kept staring at me, which was kinda cute. He didn't want the date to end. However, I had friends to meet, so I was trying to keep it moving. We reconnected on Sunday. I finally saw Dark Knight. It was good, but people really hyped it up. During the movie I discovered what his name should be...lol. I was on my best behavior, but he wasn't trying to coporate. He wanted to leave the movie. I was like "ahh...no!" Anyway, we did end up back at his place, because he wanted to "talk". We didn't talk for too long. For the presumptious ones, I didn't give it up. Well, there was no penetration. Actually, I didn't have to do much at all. I was more of a buffet. I felt some kinda way about going that far (it's only been 3 weeks). I've never went that far with a dude before. I felt some of it was out of obligation. Trying to show affection and progression, but I didn't intend for it to go that far. I'm trying to make sure I don't project that on him, because I'm an adult. I'm also trying to muddle through my issues, his issues, and our issues. He is quite demanding of my time, energy, body, etc. I don't like that! Don't try to take me further than I'm ready to go. Tuesday, we reconnected.

My family came helped me move, cooked, and kept me busy. I love my family. They are so more upfront than me. I've soften over the years. I ditched them Friday for BIG and Trademark. Saturday we moved and I had to take to get some money, so she could shop (her poor boyfriend). I took her to Lenox on Saturday and she was overwhelmed. "Where the real niggas at?!" I had to explain to her what was going on in the city. She still took awhile to adjust. She also had questions about Slick. I said "ask him and why is it important to you"? My mother was in her typical mode (supervisor). She is seeing more of a different side of me, which caued her to throw the side eye at me. We didn't have a chance to discuss my sexuality. She did make it clear she wanted grandkids and stuff.

Anyway, that sums up everything...how did your weekend pan out?

This weekend

Interesting is not the word to describe this weekend. I'm in the process of moving. I have family coming. HE is coming. I have to entertain my family, friends, and him. Plus, I have to move and you know I have to get a few two steps in this weekend. Do you guys remember when this happen last year...lol (it produce two post both were funny). I was pretty sure my mother and I was going to have the talk this weekend. I wasn't expecting to come out to my cousin too. I think taking her to a gay club with be the best way...lol. j/k! I think it would be a quick fix though, because I have to slide in someone's party before the weekend is over. She loves to party, so I doubt if I will be able to leave her. I tested Corey's pride agenda last night . He was dead on the money I rode pass Bulldogs at 3 am and it was out of control.

Slick is determine not to go out. He doesn't want to be "exposed" or spend his money. The exposure part is funny, because he is a lady. Everyone knows already! He almost lost his strength when we rode pass Bulldogs after leaving Ihop. He start chanting "I'm not going out". BOY STOP! Instead he is going to live vicariously through me. He trying to pick out clothes and everything. He is about to lose his mind trying to learn this wobble dance. I plan on being completely carefree this weekend. I'm not worried about managing anyone or any corporate crap. I'm going to act a fool at some point.

Hello

Playing~"Ridin"-Mya

• He and I are still talking. He's coming to check on me and his place this weekend. He was so pushy about coming this weekend. After I told him to come I realize what that was about. PRIDE!!!
  
• These men are something else! You can't keep tabs on a man like me!
• He's a little concern, because I think he is catching feelings.
• I'm trying to tell him to just have a good time.
• Oh, I discovered he is old. Anyone who is more than 10 years my senior is a bit too much for me. 10 years cool, but 15+ is not!
  
• Sounds bad, huh?
• I'm going to let it play out.
• I feel like being a little naughty....lol.
  
• I won an award at a regional meeting for my job.
• My job and I had a show down for the record books last week.
• They were all apologetic. yeah, save that *&*^!
• I'm going to start looking for another job. We'll see
• I may see you guys out this weekend (still debating). Speak when you see a playa
  

Commitment????

After being all excited and feeling like I spoke him into my life I'm faced with reality. Yeah, it's been less than two weeks and the infatuation is over. It's such ashame, is it not? I'm wondering if I'm committing self-sabotage. Am I purposely finding flaws to make him less significant? Probably. Does his pace scare me? DEFINITELY! He wants to meet my mother. Are you kidding? I vaguely remember how he looks (he's been out of town on business). I remember not being blown away (he was alright). He had to be decent if I gave him my number, right? Do I see a power struggle coming my way? Most definitely! Whenever I feel like I'm losing my independence I will push back real hard. I don't need a dad. He is ready for a life long commitment I can tell by our conversation. I thought I was ready for something real, but am I really? I DON'T KNOW! I'm full of crap! All this talk about finding something real. I have great potential in front of me and now I'm getting scared. I need my a** kicked. He's too old for me, I think. See there goes another excuse...sigh. How do I go from wanting this experience and this man to questioning everything. Am I afraid of love or the potential of this situation? He's coming with his stuff together that's for sure. Whatever...I'm going to make a conscious effort not to kill this experience. Even though, I'm already poking holes in the foundation.

Random thoughts on getting to know him

• He excites me!
• His confidence is so HOT!
• His approach was so smooth
  
• aahhmm...you're too smooth. I'm being extra attentive to our conversations, because I'm waiting on the bullsh*t.
• So far, your staying in the clear
• I'm teaching you patience. (In general you move fast. I don't plan on dying anytime soon. Trust, you have my attention)
  
• You don't like that!
  
• You try to hide it, but I can tell you are use to setting the pace and someone following
• I'm not that guy...sorry! Heck, I'm use to setting the pace
  
• I do feel the need to oblige, but I think it's better for me to stay true to myself.
  
• We've had a slight yes moment. It was diffused before it could really occur
• I'm waiting on you to get over it.
  
• You're going to act like you weren't aggravated by it, but I know you were.
  
• I want to really talk about it.
  
• I hope you do too
• I like to gain understanding
• This will help us determine each other parameters
  
• You have to let patience have its perfect work
• Trust, you will want for nothing

Playing~"Jockin' Jay z"-Jay z (this makes me get real cocky)

There is where I am right now

Random/Update

I had a few post on the back burner, but I'm going to squeeze everything into a random list.

• I went to this party a week or two ago and I experienced what my friends and I call cattiness. Typically, cattiness comes from females interactions with other females. However, it has somehow permeated the gays. Cattiness can be exemplified through a shady look for no reason. I.E. you walk in a room and they give you the side eye like who is this b*tch. Calling ppl fish, etc.
• When you are at a gathering or any type of intimate meet & greet this is not the time for you to play/talk on your phone. Enjoy the company you are amongst. You never know what you may experience. Sigh...the internet has caused the kids to be seriously unsocialized. Get your a** off of those websites and talk to people!
  
• Stop letting your friends dictate your feeling towards an individual. If you think they are hot, stick with your feeling. Who cares if your friends thinks they aren't masculine or whatever enough. sigh...you're an adult!
  
• Why does Jazmine Sullivan take my post(s) and make a song (lions, tigers, and bears)?
• Speaking of music.....Monica is back! The last album I couldn't support, but this one may get me back on board. I really enjoyed her show! I heard the ratings were crazy!
• The dude who inspired this post is not in the picture. I passed on him for a few reason the main one being shawty/crazy.
  
• I'm realizing I have an issue with sex. I'm very cautious concerning it. I thinking it comes from a few things mainly molestation and church. I have to get to the bottom of this.
• Don't you hate it when the person you think is hot likes someone else. It's even worse when the person you like, likes the person who likes you....sigh. confusion
• The only thing worse than that is when you find out the person you think is hot is tacky! Why did you show my homeboy your "thing" at work...ugh. You lost points. You come across so dignified, who would've thought?
  
• AAHHHMM...please inform the kids that Tops can get HIV too. I heard the dumbest mess the other day. They didn't say that verbatim, but that's what it implied. Our infection rate is so how because.....sigh
  
• People need to start asking to see people's results before they lay down with them. You'll be surprise who's infected.
  
• My birthday passed and it was so uneventful..blah! I do feel very grown man and everyone is feeling the effects of it. Some are enjoying it and others are like you're not playing anymore, huh?
• Speaking of, I'm so going to regulate my boss's boss. You know, you have to discipline bosses sometime. I told them I was holding them more accountable. MFer I need to see some results.
  
• I didn't take the job in Florida. I feel comfortable passing one the money to gain some life lessons.
  
• My intern is finishing up her program and I'm so proud! She is the best! It feels so good to develop someone's career!
  
• I'm certain there is more to say, but I'm going to chill for now.
  

You're Clinical

I was leaving the club last weekend. I was celebrating a friend's birthday. Oh I have a little story about this club experience, but let me stick to the theme of this post. We are leaving the club. There is this dude two lanes down from us who's checking us out. Okay, that's cute acknowledge him and move on. He keeps looking and smiling. A car pulls up and blocks him. We laugh and go to the next light. I run the light by mistake. Later, we realize dude is following us. We lost him, but he finds us again. We take a few crazy turns and he keeps up. We are like sh*t! We're tired of trying to lose him and motion for him to pull up beside us. He rolls down his window like he is about to order a happy meal. We let him know we aren't interested. He rolls off as if this was normal behavior! Motherfreaker you're clinical and don't know it.

Don't you love it when people surprise you with crazy? You know someone, but really don't know them. I heard of shawty being extremely confrontation for no reason and rude. I thought to myself that was your experience; he's cool with me.

Well, his crazy decided to show itself this weekend. He is giving me directions to meet him, but he keeps being rude. I brush it off. We are out eating and he keeps being rude to the waitress in a "playing way". He is also rude to the guest he invited to the dinner. Then, he takes it too far with the waitress and we have words about it. He goes off on me. I gave him a friendly reminder that he was talking to a grown man. The other dude just let him talk crazy to him. He confronts me again about correcting him at the restaurant while I'm driving. At first, I'm ignoring him discounting his talking to the liquor. Then, he goes too far and grabs me. I had to let him know. I will beat your a** SERIOUSLY. "I'm trying to be nice to you, but you really are trying me. Now, I'm trying to spare you, so back down." His pride causes him to back down slowly. I knew, he was just jumping bad, but he was almost in a danger zone. Throughout the rest of the night he keeps flip flopping with his mood. I get him in a good mood. Then, he gets aggravated with something. He goes from cussing the other dude out, being confrontational with people in the club, and giving me attitude. I definitely plan on keeping my distance from him. I just found out Plan B had to put a restraining order against him, which he continues to break. Shawty, you're are clinical and don't even know it

I have to celebrate tonight. Is there anything going on?

What am I afraid of?

I'm brought to this question when the topic of love comes up. I wrote about this months ago. I read something on another blogger's page and it caused me to question him. I really was questioning myself. I love reading you guys! Sometimes you guys stir something up...thanks! Are we really ready for love? If so, why the self sabotage (dismissive, disengaged, etc)? I voiced my fear. What's yours

Sex is on my mind

Before I send this text. F**k I sent the text (an innocent good night). Okay, before I answer this phone (quickly ignored the phone call). I'm going to type this post, because I'm horny as hell and this well give me enough time to calm down. I'm not even sleepy, so I can't sleep it off. Masturbation would be an insult to the passion I feel. D**n, your body up against my body on the dance floor really got me going. I backed it up too much, I felt too much, and it felt too good. Plus, you are fine! I'm going to take a hot shower and chill out. I know my limits, so I'm not answering that darn phone. It will make matters worse. I need to sleep it's 4:10am...who is thinking about sex this freakin' early? Your a** was like a dream. It was so..umph! OMG...let me get in this shower, because I'm still thinking about you. This was so random...read the real post before this one.

Mr. Real Thang

I received the e-mail inviting me to your going away party two weeks ago. I still haven't opened the evite. My reply would only further damage our non-existing relationship. It's weird how you still will not contact me yourself. I have casually reached out to you once in a time of need. No response, which definitely lets me know I shouldn't come to the party. I knew the whole time you were not the one! I tried anyway. Twice I was surprise by mystery boyfriends.

I reflect on the time we shared and laugh my a** off. You were the first guy to jack me off. A few minutes later you revealed you had a boyfriend, so that's why you couldn't finish me off. You didn't cheat as long as no one came (wtf). Seconds after that you revealed that I had been looking at your boyfriend the whole time. I was floored. I remember a few weeks later we stopped talking.

Months later a mutual friend came in town and you used him to get us back together. A month later you were pressing hard to "know me". I messed around and freaked your a** out. Your talking and moaning still is HOT to me (f**k when you say my name..whew). The rest of it was ahhh...uneventful. I remember the day I told you how disappointed I was. You had every excuse. Thank God! We didn't f**k! How do you let a virgin show you up? You've been making out for years. I was amused! I remember being devastated the morning after you left. The good church boy was being naughty...lol. "Life, we didn't really do anything. Stop beating yourself up." By that night, I was cool. Two weeks later you stayed over again. I bet you just knew it was going down. I taught you intimacy that night. You struggled at first, but you enjoyed a nonsexual night.

You exposed me to a few things in Atlanta and introduce me to a lot of good people. Most of them don't talk to me now. You shielded me from the gay scene. You didn't want the negative influence. Plus, you have to keep up your image. You could be a senator or something one day.
You and I both know I was the realist man you've ran into. You didn't admit it, but you definitely couldn't deny it. I was the only guy who sharpened you mentally, feed you spiritual ( I had tears in your eyes on more than one occasion), and intrigued you sexually. I called you often on how bad of a brother I was. You could never do anything, but smile. I'm sure your tale of this pseudo relationship is different. Perception is something is it not?

You served your purpose, so I don't regret anything. I think that's why it's easier for me to be cordial. My attendance to this party wouldn't be a good thing. It may come across real nasty now, but trust me it's better for me not to attend.

Sincerely,

Your Real Thing

Flashing Lights

Playing~"Need You Bad"-Jazmin Sullivan

I was offered a job that has me debating about my stay in Atlanta. The job will pay a couple thousand more and I will not pay state taxes, which will make the raise $5-7 thousand. It's in an industry I really don't know anything about, but I've worked the operations manager before, so he wants me to join his team. If I take the job I have to say bye bye to Atlanta, Ga.

This opportunity has caused me to reflect on my time here and why I came to Atlanta. I saw Atlanta as the promise land for black people. Anytime I visited I saw young black professionals all around town in their nice cars, eating at nice restaurants, etc. Atlanta seemed like the place to be if you were an up and coming young black professional. I also saw Atlanta as a place for me to explore my sexuality. I thought to myself, "I will have the freedom there to satisfy my curiosity".

I've been thinking about my progress in those two areas. Professionally, I'm not doing bad, but I'm definitely not what I envision in my head. I'm working my little a** off. There is no glamour! I make decent money. My potential growth with the company is high, but sometimes I absolutely loath my job. All in all, is not bad.

My sexuality has been explored to a decent degree. The first year I was here I didn't explore much at all. Plan B came into the picture and stirred things up a bit. Other than him I ran into a few freaks. They just wanted to get f**ked or f**k me, which immediately turned me off. Well, one was MY GOD (raises his hand in praise)! I've been to a couple of clubs (~4). Other than that nothing!

I'm wondering to myself was I allured by the flashing lights and how long am I willing to wait for one to shine on me. Should I take the money, pack up my crap and move to Florida?

Playing~"should I go"-Brandy

Obama and Lil Wayne

Check out the collaboration between Obama and Lil Wayne

Lesson Learned

About two months ago a friend was over my house telling me about how he was tired of his current boyfriend. Deuce and I gave him a hard time. The bf is a little needy, but a good boyfriend (cleans, works, cooks, etc). Then, my friend confesses that he has cheated on him. Deuce went into "y'all n*ggas aint sh*t " mode. Our friend thinks its funny. He thinks the dude drove him to cheat on him. He was too clingy. The dude called twice and texted like 7 times within an hour. In the midst of all of this our friend is trying to figure out what's up with me. Deuce warns me about our mutual friend "he's trying to figure you out, don't go for it". I figured that, because of some of the questions he was asking.

A month or so later I hang out with my friend. We both had prior engagements, but we decided to meet each other later that night. We wanted to party together. He calls me while I'm still out with my other friend. Apparently, he was still entertaining his fling. Well, the guy began to want more. He shows out while my friend, the fling and their mutual friends are in line trying get into this popular restaurant/ lounge. He flees the scene. Guess who shows up at the club...the fling. He dances with my friend, but my friends decides to dance with someone else. He pushes my friend so hard he stumbles back. My friend threatens the boy and security removes the fling. The fling calls my friend's boyfriend who is out of town. The fling and the boyfriend know each (these wh*res are trifling) . The next morning my friend is trying to recover from his hangover only to be awaken by his boyfriend ranting on the phone. Now, he has to kiss @** for awhile. Lesson Learned: Stick with what you have

transition

Have you ever left a person/place/or thing with extreme sorrow, but you clearly understood that it was a much need move? How did you feel leaving that noun? How did you keep the big picture in mind? Leaving when nothing in particular is wrong outside of a natural progression is tough.

I'm just venting

Playing~"Someday"-Ledisi

I've been in such a good space. Everything is on one accord, but yesterday my love life bubbled up. My lack of a love life didn't kill my mood, but it definitely put me in a reflective mood. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let someone love me. I'm so dismissive. Then, I look at all of the bullshit around me and I think I'm better off than the people who are dating/ in love. They have to go through so many different things (cheating, lying, compromising more than they desire, fighting, the uncertainties of the other person feelings towards them, etc). Hell, some of them are just tolerating the person and seeing how things play out. The person is available and they find them attractive. I guess that's what dating is all about, but you guys know I'm waiting for a magical feeling. I want to be intrigued by them. I don't want to just tolerate someone.

My friends who have been together on and off for almost 11 years broke up. Life circumstances and growth lead one person to make the decision. From the outside you wouldn't know they broke up. They plan on distancing themselves for each more once their business together is done. 11 years and we are done?! Both are devastated, but one is managing much better. He is embracing the change.

I asked one of my friends when was the last time he let someone love him? His answer was 17 years! OMG! He decided to be successful and focus on love later. His career came first. Dating was something he really didn't have time for. Granted, he is shy of 40 and he is pretty much retired. He doesn't have to report to anyone's job. He thinks I have potential to end up like him, so he pushes me to go out and be "adventurous" . "It doesn't get any easier when you're older." He also thinks I'm going to get married to a woman. This is not the first time I've heard this. A few people have told me that I will not last long in this lifestyle.

Another friend can pull just about anyone. He still ends up with nothing of substance (maybe a good nut and a week or two of dates). Then, the person disappears or something along those lines. I feel sorry for him. He shared a piece of himself with someone who could give a d*mn. I mean....sex is a big deal to me. I talk big, but nothing is going on until I feel like if you left the next day I wouldn't feel cheap or cheated.

I just don't know. Anyway, this was me venting whatever

Playing~"Best Friend"-Ledisi

My daddy

How has your relationship with your father influenced your relationship with men? Even if he was absent,, you had an ideal of how fathers behaved and cared for their child. For example, If your father was absent does that make you more independent or dependent upon the men you date? I know we may not want to acknowledge our fathers in some cases, but it's worth exploring. It's not something we can just ignore. Our relationship with our parents or lack there is fundamental in our interaction with others.

My father was absent for the most part. He was a hustler. We interacted a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I was able to see the bullsh*t more clearly. The empty promises and the lack of consistency made me cut him off. On the other hand, my father was very cool, carefree, and very affectionate towards me. Now, my relationship with men is so straight up. If you look like you could possibly have some bullsh*t going on I stop communicating with you immediately (in most cases). See where I'm going?

Question

Has practicality taken away your dreams? As adults we often find ourselves redefining the parameters of our childhood and young adult dreams. How are you coping with it?

Upadate

Playing~ "Green eyes"-Erykah Badu

• I went out this weekend (TradeMark). It was okay, I guess. I don't know what I expect out of the club scene here, but I haven't experienced it. D'jangos was pretty good a month ago.
• My intentions weren't to go to the club. I was suppose to do dinner and a movie with friend(s)/associate(s). Too many ppl responded to my mass text, so I ended up going to dinner with one friend, a lounge a little later, and the last stop was the club. Gas is too high, so I changed in my car for the club...lol.
  
• Papi wasn't acting right! He wasn't giving me what I needed at the club. He wasn't his usual dancing self. Apparently, you have to change your persona pending the club. You don't dance too much at Trademark. WTF?! We paid $10 to stand here?! Get your @** on the dance floor. I saw this guy who I've been trying to figure out, so the night wasn't completely wasted. Papi said he was taken. I wasn't going to do anything anyway. I suck..lol.
  
• Papi is just a club friend. We tried to converse about regular stuff and our conversations are completely different. I may shake my behind at the club and ke ke about frivolous stuff, but I expect so much more outside of the club. He gives great club advice. Apparently, I'm too focused partying with my friends that I missed an opportunity or two with the ppl I was hoping to meet. I'll miss the subtle stuff every time, because I'm trying to have a good time with my friends. SPEAK!!
  
• Why do people call each other b*tch, girl,etc ? I don't like the disrespectful name calling stuff. Am I the only one who thinks it's rude for these boys to skee-wee and ooooppp? If I even thought someone was duplicating my org. I give them the side eye quick.
  
• Papi gives Atlanta exactly what it likes confusion (j/k). "Give them all boy with a trace of lady and they are in love". I thought that was the funniest sh*t ever, but it works. He pulls at least two ppl he likes and one person who is just mesmerized by him every time. No matter where we go one dude is almost captured by him. Heck, he almost got me Sunday. I saw him and almost macked him out...lol. He's such a cutie
  
• I created a youtube page. Check out videos from the concerts I've attended. Videos take awhile to upload (~15 mins. each), so I will keep adding through out the week.
• I'm moving to another apartment. My current location gives you a good deal for the space, but the service is so poor. You will catch a case messing with these ppl. They are so nasty, ineffective, unhelpful, etc.
• Trying to find a reasonable place to stay in town is almost impossible. I don't do roommates. I'm too grown to argue over shared space and the items that go into them (food, entertainment, etc). Companies are trying to charge like $800+ for less than 700 sq ft in some cases. ARE YOU SERIOUS! I need to invest in a home.
  
• I found one place that is expensive, but with its introductory rate it matches the other companies. The bedroom is small, but everything else is great. Everyone knows I love big bedrooms, bathrooms, and closets. Everything else doesn't matter. I guess 9 out of 10 is not bad, but what am I going to do after the lease is up. I definitely will not pay basically $1000 for rent. {sigh} maybe a roommate is not that bad after all..lol.
  
• I'm trying a new haircut. My haircut is extremely low, but ppl seem to like it. When you go to my youtube page you can go to my myspace. If you view the pictures, the second picture is how I have my haircut now.
  
• I was a little pensive on Sunday. It caused me to realize I haven't made peace with my spirituality and sexuality as I once thought. Subconsciously it probably keeps me from pursuing someone. After much thought realized I feel like I have to reject one and embrace the other. That was definitely a discovery
  

My little secret

Playing~"Say It"-rihanna

Deuce, his bf, and myself were having a conversation. Both of them were warning me against having my man around myfriends ( I don't have one). "DON'T HAVE YOUR PIECE AROUND YOUR FRIENDS!" I thought this was a little insecure. Maybe, I'm too confident, but I don't see it. When you experience a good thing you share it. You talk about it. What do you guys think about this? Should you keep your friends away from the person you're dating?

Two ladies who I am enjoying

Michelle Obama


Rihanna

At this moment very moment, I choose freedom!

Interesting

I woke up this morning and decided to look at photos in my old phone (it was so random). The first photo I saw was your photo. I took that picture right after I played around with you. The memories came in which caused me to smile and laugh. Sigh..It such a good thing that we no longer speak. The dichotomy of my feelings were interesting

random

It's 5:34 am and I am up contemplating my life. How did I get here? How do I progress? What lessons am I not learning? Hoping to receive some answers. I read my Bible, but I didn't find an answer there. I thought I should sit in silence, but it's too confusing. I'll listen to Acoustic Soul instead

Playing~"Promise"-India Arie

Wait til I get my money right

Anyone who knows me knows that not having money is one of my fears. I know what broke looks like, taste like, feels like and I would prefer not to experience any of the prior listed conditions of being broke. Thus, I'm very mindful of how I use and sometimes abuse my funds. I've noticed that I haven't had as much left over between paychecks (less than $700-600). I was not alarmed. I have a back up savings account that I never use and it receives a deposit every time I get paid. Plus, I have a little cash to back up that account. If I fear something I'll have so many buffers that fear never has a chance to manifest itself. Anyway, I wasn't happy about this decrease in discretionary funds, so I did some research.

I found this handy website. To my surprise, I was completely off with what I thought threw off budget. I recently started back paying tithe consistently. I'm over budget there, but that's not going to change. The website only budgets for 5% charitable contributions and everyone knows tithe is 10%. I pay too much on debt. That's not going to change either. I'm paying so much because I want the crap to go away. I really don't have much debt. Housing was a problem, but I'm going to fix that, which will put me back on budget. One thing I found that was amusing, I save too much. Is that possible? Anyway, check out the site

Conversations

I had a conversation with a group of friends and the topic came up of me telling my mother about my sexual preference. One associate thought it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.

Buddy:"You're not gay!"
{Everyone looked at him like WHAT?! We have been talking about men and dating for the past 5-10 mins.}
Buddy:"You're curious. Have you dated a man?
Me: "no"
Buddy: "Have you had sex with a man?"
Me: aahhmm...define sex..lol.
Buddy:"If you have to ask questions like that you haven't. Why tell your mother and confuse her. You will have her mind all over the place for nothing. Wait!"

What are your thoughts on this conversation?

My deuce is moving to Atlanta. I'm so excited! We have been spending a lot of time on the phone and in person. He has been trying to help me navigate through Slick and I predicament (you know him and Plan B had something going on).
Slick: "I've been keeping something from Life"
Deuce: "If I was you, I wouldn't tell me, because I'm Life's friend and I'm going to tell him"
Slick: "You're very serious about your loyalty"
Deuce: Very. I enjoy you, but Life is my friend.
{Slick immediately withdrew his confession}
Later...
Deuce advises me not to get rid of Slick. Yes, he definitely was trifling in this predicament and he will never be around my man. However, I think he's just inexperience and that caused his actions to be whatever they were.
Thoughts?

let's talk about sex

Playing~"Kissing You"-Faith

I was talking to a friend like 3 weeks ago. He felt like it's better for him to be single, because of some of his sexual desires. They like some different stuff sexual and they don't think most people will accept it or be into. Later that day I thought is sex that important? It's so important that someone would choose to be single and enjoy themselves sexually?! How important is sex to you guys? I've been talking to friends for the past weeks about it. One friend said "50 percent" and another said 25%. One friend said "I don't have to like you to have sex with you." I've heard of people staying in some unfavorable situation, because the sex was good. Idunno...what's your thoughts?

My Weekend

Playing~"Catching feelings"-Faith Evans

I decided that I would be OUT this weekend. My haircut had me feeling HOT! I was ready to take the city by storm. This is how the weekend went down:

Friday

• After work I came home and took a nap. I woke up in a completely different mood. I really just wanted to go to a mellow spot laugh and flirt. I connected with a few people, but none of us were on the same page. Plus, there was no place that fit where I was trying to go. I ended up staying home and reading a book. Papi was extremely frustrated. He wanted to party.
  

Saturday

• I was determined to go out this night. I took a nap after work. I went to Prince's (a recently gained associate) house to get him. We meet his friend's at the bowling alley. I was introduce to the crew (Leo, Diva, and Humble).
  
• Leo is great. He's getting us enrolled in a stripper class. Oh, sorry...Pole dancing classes. I thought he was absolutely crazy when he brought this up, but I think I'm going to do it. I'll make a video for blogland...lol.
  
• This meeting was great! We really enjoyed ourselves and they were definitely my type of people.
• I was still determined to get loose. Slick was unsure if he would go, but he didn't have a choice. I was going to get it in and he was going to support.
  
• We made the worse decision. We went to Traxx. We went there because it was late and they would still be open for more than an hour after our arrival. Traxx is a mess. There is no diversity. Most of the kids are teenagers or very underdeveloped young adults. It's ghetto and the males and females party together. To say I was like fr**k they got me for $15.
  
• I ended up dancing with the ladies. Go figure! I go to a gay club and end up dancing with a women and not one man, NOT ONE! WTF?! Hey, they came for me.
  

Sunday

• I skipped church. Shame on me!
• Slick and I went to the Jazz festival. I was so disappointed that it wasn't at Piedmont Park. Ph.D joined us and we decided to go to Piedmont.
• This was my first time going to Piedmont on Sunday. It was interesting to say the least. I promise someone could get a great dissertation from all of the social and gender things that are going on. The cattiness is just too much. What is all the self-hate about?
• I run into Papi who really wants to party. Papi, Ph.D, Thickness (another recently gained associate) gave me the extra push I needed to go out. I really had some paperwork I needed to work on, but hey, this is suppose to be my BIG weekend.

Sunday Night

• We (Slick, Thickness, Papi, and myself) go to D'jangos. We came with a mission....party, socialize, and be a little bad. We did just that. Papi had the kids going crazy. This brother danced his butt off. I thought I could dance, but I had to fall back when he really went for it.
  
• 3 different dudes at different times were caught up. They just sat there in amazement as his little behind shaked, wiggled, dropped, and glided across the floor. He's scandalous...lol. I love it! He was giving them that Blatino flavor..lol.
  
• I have to talk about social skills in my next post. I have to!
  

Life

Playing~"run and hide"-algebra

I didn't get the job. I usually prepare myself in advance for the worst and hope for the best. I refuse to get bad news and fall to pieces. Well, there were two interviews one went well, but the other went not so well. Anyway, I plan on taking some platforming classes, because I've always had that problem with impromptu speaking. Either I nail it or my mind gets jumbled and I ramble. I'm too logic to get all emotional about the promotion. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the sting of getting rejected, but it's life. You can't win every battle. Now, I'm stuck in my current job, which leaves me feeling a little disappointed.

I go through moments of not feeling much of anything sexually. I'm there now. This is the wrong freakin' time to have this moment. It's memorial day weekend! The kids are going to be everywhere. I'm suppose to be hype about it. Instead, I feel blah about boys and girls. Well, girls haven't been on the radar in about a year. I've never been boy crazy, but usually I can get a little excited, but I feel nothing. I'm not sure why this happens, but it happens every now and then. I thought I would want to go out, but I don't. This started a few days ago. I hope I get in the mood Friday or so. I'm about to get my haircut maybe that'll make me feel sexy...lol. Hopefully, that will spark something.

Mature Response

Playing~"echo"-Usher
In the past few weeks, I have been faced with a few situations that caused me to make some mature decisions. Everyday we are presented with many dilemmas and depending on our responses to those dilemmas the outcome vary from favorable or less favorable.

Let's start with Slick and I situation. I wasn't really mad when I heard him talking about how he would mess with Plan B and how they've been flirting. As I mention before I was at a lost for words and could do nothing, but laugh. Everybody knows Plan B and I didn't end on the best of terms. However, I didn't have an issue with them hanging out whatever, but I do have an issue with you trying to hook up. You're my ace. Why would u want to go behind me? My less than mature self thought it was more than acceptable to say the following "Are you that fucking lame that you would follow behind me?" "A blind man can see he's using u to get at me." "He didn't associate with you much until I thought it was best that I left him alone." However, I've decided to leave all of that out. I'm just going to ask "what made you think it was okay for you to flirt and stay the night at Plan B house and then come and tell me about?"

Happiness is another thing that I have chosen. I have been overflowing with joy. Yeah, I could be funky about a lot of things, but I have chosen to be happy. I was about to have one of those "aahh I hate going to work, blah, blah days". I immediately caught myself and spent a little time getting myself together and making the right decision to be happy. Acting all indifferent doesn't help the situation. What are you choosing these days?

Just a moment

I ran into PH.D recently. We had some interesting and stimulating conversations. He thinks I'm complex. Humph, I thought I was plain. He calls me a darken glass wall. I respond with, "are you saying I give the perception of transparency, but nobody sees the whole picture." His response, "You knew that's what I meant, don't try to play me." I giggled. The wall comes into play because I'm so guard and strong. "You're so strong it makes you weak. When was the last time you cried because of some emotion? I tried not to give the impression that I thinking too hard. Huh, it's been awhile" I indulged the conversation a little more, but I cut it off after awhile. I didn't want to be his case study. He gave me a lot to think about. I gave him a lot to think about too. I analyzed him as well. Our Dr couldn't say much then..it was fun. For some reason I need to hear Erykah Badu's "ME"

quick post

Playing~"Only for you"-Eric R.

• I'm still waiting to hear the verdict from my interview. I'm pretty much at peace with it. I'm ready to accept whatever God allows...I'm better off !
• My friends think I'm going to marry a woman. I was a little insulted because they felt like I wasn't a solidified homo, but I saw their points. I'm not sure if I agree, but whatever
• I really feel like I'm going to have a very emotional moment with the Lord really soon. I'm on the verge of just having a God purifying cry while praying. I'm filled with the random day to day challenges.
• I went to Piedmont Park the other day and this guy yells out repeatedly in the middle of the day. Hey, brown (the color shirt I had on) is that pussy hot? I played it off, which of course causes him say it repeatedly. I was like it's 4pm, it's too early for this. Ignoring him caused him to call me a ho. I was like "hey, I've missed some good sex trying to avoid being label that type of name."
• Every time I rack up some money. Something shows up whether it's my car, a ticket, a trip, whatever..DARN!
  

I just want to be....

Have you ever felt the need to let out a good cry, but u didn't have a specific reason to cry?

I don't want to wear my superman cape tonight. I don't want to think about: getting people raises, meeting this unfair goal, hearing complaints, analyzing my interview last week, why I'm hard on myself, when am I going to find something real, how I completely missed the boat on preparing myself for graduate school, and how I'm going to manifest all the desires I have.

sigh

Quick Update

Playing~"Glory to the highest"-City of Refuge (Bishop Noel Jones)

I woke up early this morning and I realize I haven't dropped you guys a note in a minute. I have a lot of things going on, but I'm going to run through them real quick.

• I'm up for a promotion! I know, God is good. This will be my 3rd promotion in less than 2 years. I killed one interview. The second interview wasn't as strong. I just want the will of the Lord done (I got real save on y'all, but it's the truth..lol.). Somehow I'm indifferent and excited at the same time. I'm a little insecure about this possible position. My indifference is a combination of my insecurity and the preservation of my self-esteem.
  
• One of my best friends lost his job. Can you imagine losing 75-80k a year? He's a peace for the most part. He's turn down one job and waiting on his dream job response. Say a prayer
  
• I realized I have completely missed the boat on graduate school. I need to do so many things before enrolling. sigh...okay, gaining this job maybe more important than I thought.
• One of my friends caught feelings for someone who is notoriously unfaithful. It's to the point that the guy confesses every time he f*cks around. He thinks that makes the world of difference. "I'm telling you, you have to respect that." I no longer advise my friend on this relationship. I realize he will make excuses for the person anyway. I ignore him when he brings it up. He needs to whip his a**...straight up.
• You've been update in 7 mins. Let me get ready for work...peace
  

This boy

Playing~"can we talk"-Tevin Campbell

This boy is different.
He's unlike other dudes that he knows
This boy is different
He's like Oil and Water in the same glass
This boy is different
His duality keeps you on your toes
This boy is different
Not the easiest guy to get to know
This boy is different
He's searching for something real
This boy is different
His sincerity shines through
This boy is different
This boy is me

*Inspired by PJ Morton cd (I just wrote whatever came to mind after the song went off. I hope you enjoy my freestyle...lol )
Playing~"Soon as I get home-Faith Evans

Advice

A wise man once said to me "your need is legitimate, but be very careful on how you fill it". His words came to me today and I thought I would share it.

Estelle

I recently was given a chance to see Estelle in concert. For you guys who don't know who she is, click here. Trust me, she is a fly chick! She gives you a little Lauryn Hill (in a good way).

I have other things to tell you about, but I don't have the energy to write about it.

Lessons learned

Thank you for cursing me out for questioning your love. You taught me how to love myself and to appreciate the love someone can show. You didn't love me any less, because you couldn't express your love the way I desired.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who made negative comments about my dark skin. You taught me that my self-esteem is just that SELF-esteem.

Thanks for the innumerable amount of rumors spread! I've learned how to just do me. People will say what they want anyway.

I'm grateful for the season when I stood alone, people hated me, and others who kept their distance because of people's dis-like towards me. For the first time, I wasn't popular in a good way. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and be okay with that!

Even though I released these issues years ago it feels good to reflect on them. I am an overcomer...breathes and exhales. Reflecting on my freedom...God is good!

random thoughts

I can't overcome this feeling. It's so ingrained in my head. I can't defeat it. I keep saying I'm ready to date and such. However, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I wonder, will I be a good boyfriend? What about sex? That topic comes up pretty quick in conversation. I really don't have an answer. I typically answer with what's most true to how I feel. Will I ever have that magical moment that draws me to someone? Is that just a figment of my imagination? Why can't I just have fun? Nawl, that lead me to Plan B and that was truly a mess. WTF was I thinking! He progressed way further than he should have. Lord, just the thought! He had some great attributes, but I didn't have chemistry with him. Thus, I refuse to entertain anyone who I don't feel something for upfront. I'm sure this aids in my lack of dating. You typically can't get that from seeing someone in the club or walking pass them in the mall/grocery store. Okay, this post is not suppose to be about this. I guess out of the fullness of the heart the hands write. You can't get your dream the first time out of the gate. You have to kiss a few toads to get your prince, but I don't want no d**n toads. Let's skip that and get right to the prince....sigh.

ugh....fish and the vicious cycle

Playing~"just a touch"-Estelle

What's up with all the attitude towards fem boys? Slick is one of my best friends and I love him to death, but there have been a few times when I've seen him flat out dissed, because he is fem. Now, I will admit sometimes he does a lot and it can be overwhelming (even for me). Yes, I have laughed at him, because he was doing way too much. However, I wouldn't say things like "stay away from the fish". When I heard someone say that I was hurt and they weren't addressing me. A lot of people do give me too much, but I never verbally attack them. Where is all of this disdain coming from? I do believe you are a boy/man, so don't try to be a woman (I'm certain I'm going to get some heat for that). However, I feel like you should do you. Whatever that is

We were out at a concert a few nights ago. When the concert was over I wanted to stay for the after party. I felt like dancing. Anyway, he just refuses to dance with the girls, so he sits there legs crossed and back straight completely disconnected from everything that's happening (he was definitely giving them lady). A group of guys who just so happen to be gay found this to be hilarious. He didn't notice them at all, so everything was cool. What amused me the most was a club full of people who are presumably straight didn't make a spectacle of him, but people who are like him did. Slick is no victim, he can spit out venom towards the fem boys too, but most of the time he enjoys and compliments them. I guess it's just a vicious cycle. His mood was so draining we ended up at bulldogs, because I was determine to dance. Again, what's up with the attitude towards the fem boys? Even the fem boys don't like other fem boys.

When I was a boy

Playing~"Solider"-Erykah Badu

When I was a boy I thought I didn't need anyone. How foolish was I? About 5 months ago, I realize I'm no island. I was Mr. self satisfied. I would disappear for days at a time with no human contact. Now, I can probably go for a day or so. I need people more than I ever could imagine. Up until 5 months ago I couldn't identify with people who needed someone. I couldn't comprehend their feeling of loneliness. I thought they were insecure or something. I'm quickly realizing they were just feeling what anyone would feel. You need someone to touch, talk to, laugh with, be intimate with. A place where you let your guard down and your embraced for everything you are/ everything you aren't. It's weird admitting that...lol. I'm so not use to being in a place of need. Especially when the supplies are housed within someone else.

Infatuation

I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I'm hoping thoughts of you will flow from my mind, to my hands and stay printed on this page. I'm not the type to have a crush. I don't know what I would call this. Infatuation? My friend knows everything that I know about you. I've talked about your swagger, your tattoos, and the dreads that flow all the way down your back. We laughed when I revealed how my "member" had such a strong response to your subtle, but powerful approach. Lord, I moved so fast to the closest available seat. Darn, you really got me.

Where Everybody Knows Your name

I've had company for the pass few weeks and I finally some kinda way.

Two must agree

Playing~Jiborish (blah, blah, blah)-PJ Morton

It's nothing worst than having two people together and their perceptions are different concerning their relationship. One thinks something more serious is happening and the other is indifferent. Sometimes the conversation goes like this (real story):

{after talking for months and experiencing their first date}
A:So, where do we stand?
B:What do you mean?
A:You know we've been talking for months and we just went on a date (thinking to themselves...HELLO STUPID)
B:You stand alone
.......silence........
There is nothing you can say after that. I heard this story and laughed by butt off.

The sounds of love making

I received something and I thought here is another useless forward e-mail, but this one was good. Check it out: The year is 2108 and your greater than great grandchild is going through a box of your old things when s/he finds a letter and a CD. The letter simply says "Love In Song" -My Understanding of Relationships through music. Your greater than great grandchild then finds your artifact of a CD player and is delighted to find that the CD has 15 tracks...

What 15 songs would you use to describe how you feel about love and relationships currently and what line/verse (if any) resonates with you:

Happily Ever After

Playing~"Blindfold me"-Kelis

When I went out this weekend I discovered another vice of mine. I've been putting the carriage before the horse. I was out at a concert and I was dancing with the crowd waiting for the artist to come out. There was a group of dudes (who were SGL...what do u guys think of that term?). One of the guys was really cute. I thought aahhmm...I need to talk to him. I was thinking about how to approach this situation without freakin' the straights out...lol.

My vice shows it's ugly face. Life, he smokes, he's a little wild (I kinda like that though), and he's seems a bit young for you (What?!...I'm only 24) and he keeps drinking. Later, I was like WHY AM I TRYING TO MARRY THIS PERSON! I DON'T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAME YET! I need to learn how to just have fun. I let this fine man get away. His body felt so good. He was solid, but still on the slim side waist 30-32 and we had a few body encounters b/c of his wild dancing and the crowd moving. One instance was interesting he ends up bending over in front of me trying to get something, but I'm certain it was something behind that b/c he gave me a lot. Like, his a** ends up hitting my "man".

The next night I fell victim to what we all fall victim to from time to time. Pride! You look, I look, and we both pretend not to look. Then, one gets bold and doesn't look away. We both wait for the other to approach neither does and you're like oh well.

Friends

Playing in the background~"you better tell her"-Teedra M.

As I was out this weekend, I realized I need to gain some friends. This is not a new revelation, but I definitely felt it this weekend. I went to a few events this weekend and I went to all of them alone. This doesn't typically get a response out of me, because I'll go solo in a minute and talk to whomever is there, but this time I was a little aggravated. Since birth I've been popular whether I liked it or not. As I grew older, I purposely kept my circle small(3-9). Currently, I have a very small team who stay in Atlanta, Ga (Slick, Shortymack, Ph.d). I rarely speak to Plan B and his whole crew (you guys know what's up with that).

Slick is one of my best friends who I moved up here.
Pro: history (nothing can compete with memories/time), trustworthy, and faithful
Con: Over the top antics (I like actin' up in it's place, but you can't give me too much) and lack of funds.

Shortymack is new, but has great potential.
Pro: nice, cute (superficial?...whatever), serious relationship, and fun
Con: can be over the top, lack of history, serious relationship (on lock sometime) and potentially combative

Ph.d he just gets me
Pro: Nice, emotional & mental connected( We talk about a lot of social issues, my random theories,research, etc), and smart
Con: little time (he's finishing up his Ph.D.) and older (he loves my mind, but he doesn't go out much...maybe the time is more of a factor)

I have a few other people I talk to randomly. I just need people who are more of my speed. I consider myself a middle of the ground type of guy. It's definitely hard to find people who you are compatible with, can trust, and are fun. I appreciate my friends so much more now. However, one thing I will not do is gain a bunch of friends I can't trust. That's counterproductive!

Random (Plan B, Slick, new dude?, etc)

Playing in the background~Jill Scott Live In Paris DVD "Crown Royal"

• The tug of war is over. What took me so long to let Plan B go (it was a quasi relationship/friendship)? We owe each other nothing, but we definitely let the war go on way too long. I always knew he wasn't what I wanted, but he was available. Unfortunately, I couldn't hide my indifference very well, which pissed that diva off...sorry.
  
• I finally retrieved my key from Slick. I love Slick. We are two different breeds, but he is faithful. It's hard to find that in friends these days. I didn't like the ideal of him having a key in the first place. Why are you at my house when I'm not there? Now if things are moved or eaten, I did it. Also, it was time for him to face his reality. He couldn't hide out here any longer. I felt some of his wrath with some sharp undertones, but I can take that. I think there is a little grudge there, but he knows it not warranted, so he says nothing. I'm certain he thought it was symbolic of our friendship.
• I'm feeling good and spiritual today. I briefly communed with God. There is such purity there...inhale. I have a few moments to reflect.
  
• I'm going to get a chance to see Teedra Moses this weekend and a few local artist, which will end my vacation perfectly. I still want to go out and shake my thang on the dance floor...lol. Wow...I just finish talking about my spiritual moment...lol. I'm a mess!
  
• The school and work thing is still a very pressing issue on my mental! I'm definitely going to go back sometime in 2009, which means I need to get my finances together now!
• I went to a dinner/birthday party a few weeks ago and I met this lawyer. He definitely didn't look like one. Slick declares he's interested, but I'm not too sure. He kinda inspired this post. I saw some pictures of him. He cleans up VERY well. I contacted him via e-mail off us his business card. We'll see! Oh Lawd...did I really do that?!
  
• I realize I'm afraid of choosing the wrong person and suffering the consequences. Thus, I've been talking about wanting love, but fear held my heart. I'm working on releasing the fear. I'm getting too old and my emotions are yearning.
• I was going to have THE talk with my mother this weekend. I end up falling asleep....sigh. I'm trying to find a time when her and I will be together alone for a nice chunk of time. I just have a strong need to truthfully speak with her about my sexuality.
  

Life aint no fairy tale

Playing~"Love"-Kelly R.

I don't know exactly when the fantasy starts, but some how it becomes an expecation. We fantasize about how we will meet our potential partner, how they will look, and how they would behave. We wait to feel that cosmic energy and when it's not there we think automatically he or she isn't it. As we grow older, we realize our dream partner is just that a dream. The person may not come in the package we imagine. When was the fantasy over for you or are you still believing your well packaged partner will manifest him or herself?

I usually don't do this, but this is funny

I try not support ignorant images of black people, but someone of us seek out embarrassment. My fellow bloggers have enough pride and courage to confront your man without brining Cheaters along, because you will end up looking like this gentlemen and his boyfriend. This is crazy, but stuff like this happens for real. Sidenote: who ever posted this needs a their behind whipped for that title. I'm disturbed

honesty of course

I find a lot of irony in my blogger name (truthfully speaking). Honesty is something we all demand from everyone we interact with, but we forget how difficult it is to speak honestly sometimes. We all lie at some point whether it's through omission or commission. It could be as simple as not telling your friend the truth about their outfit or as big as not telling your partner that you went out with an ex. Honesty requires a great deal of vulnerability and humility. My desire to appear self-reliant hinders me. My pride gets in the way. We all know most lies steam from some insecurity. My question is, how are you keeping yourself honest? Just a quick post that ran across my mind.

Tug of war

Playing"I think I love you"-Algebra

You have two men (guy x and guy z). X is use to guys being interested in him and eager to sleep with him. Z is indifferent regarding X. At one point, Z was kinda feeling X, but those days are long gone. However, they have develop a pretty good friendship. Z sees X as more of a friend than a potential partner. X still thinks Z is a possible partner, but refuses to express his feeling when Z tries to get him too. Both individuals are stubborn and often there is a power struggle. X strategy is to become rude. Z strategy is to show his indifference. Z is kinda over the whole situation. Especially, after receiving a text from X asking for some 4 play. When Z declines (as expected) S gets disrespectful. Let it go or explain how the behavior has to stop?

Yearning

Have you ever felt like something is missing, but you can't put your finger on what it is? You wish something was wrong so you could fix it, but when you complete a self-evaluation things are well generally speaking. I'm definitely in that place! I really don't have anything to complain about. However, I feel like I have such a bland existence. My passion is lacking. I'm concern that I'm not bothered by my current state. I'm searching for something higher. I'm thirsty Socially, intellectually, spiritually,emotionally. I'm not sure where it is or where I can find it, but there is this longing. It's a feeling that's hard to put into words, but I've wrestle with it for a good portion of my life. Always aware of how blessed I was in whatever state I was in, but always feeling like there was something greater. I don't want my words to translate into a lack of contentment,because typically I can find that. sigh...I find it hard to explain

Playing "Run and Hide"-Algebra

Moment of truth

Playing~"Take Everything In"-Angie Stone

Your co-work approaches you at work. "I want to hook you up with one of my friends." [you give the look of oh boy...this heffa is really just being nosey] "Well, let me ask you this first" "aahhmm..." [not looking you in the face] "do you date women?" What's your response?

It should all be so simple

Playing in the background~"Stay (live)"-Erykah Badu

So, I struggle with relationships (surprise...lol). aaahhmm..I don't like the word struggle. Let's say I have an opportunity in the relationship department. Most of the time I kill them before they start. My friends call it self-sabotage (it's one of my defense mechanism per their words). I rarely give relationships a chance to flourish. One of two things happen, the first appearance of BS I'm counting my losses (w/ the exception of Plan B...wtf am I doing?). Why invest the time to confirmed what you knew in the beginning? My other vice is the lack of nourishment. This can be from the initial greeting or the lack of consistency in communication. Maybe, I'm living in lala land and my expectation is unrealistic. I want us to desire each other from the very beginning. There should be something that instantly intrigues you about your prospect, right? Am I living in fantasy? Maybe I'm just too functional. What vices do you have that kill your relationship?

Playing in the background~"Danger"-Erykah Badu