Wednesday, July 30, 2008

You're Clinical

I was leaving the club last weekend. I was celebrating a friend's birthday. Oh I have a little story about this club experience, but let me stick to the theme of this post. We are leaving the club. There is this dude two lanes down from us who's checking us out. Okay, that's cute acknowledge him and move on. He keeps looking and smiling. A car pulls up and blocks him. We laugh and go to the next light. I run the light by mistake. Later, we realize dude is following us. We lost him, but he finds us again. We take a few crazy turns and he keeps up. We are like sh*t! We're tired of trying to lose him and motion for him to pull up beside us. He rolls down his window like he is about to order a happy meal. We let him know we aren't interested. He rolls off as if this was normal behavior! Motherfreaker you're clinical and don't know it.

Don't you love it when people surprise you with crazy? You know someone, but really don't know them. I heard of shawty being extremely confrontation for no reason and rude. I thought to myself that was your experience; he's cool with me.

Well, his crazy decided to show itself this weekend. He is giving me directions to meet him, but he keeps being rude. I brush it off. We are out eating and he keeps being rude to the waitress in a "playing way". He is also rude to the guest he invited to the dinner. Then, he takes it too far with the waitress and we have words about it. He goes off on me. I gave him a friendly reminder that he was talking to a grown man. The other dude just let him talk crazy to him. He confronts me again about correcting him at the restaurant while I'm driving. At first, I'm ignoring him discounting his talking to the liquor. Then, he goes too far and grabs me. I had to let him know. I will beat your a** SERIOUSLY. "I'm trying to be nice to you, but you really are trying me. Now, I'm trying to spare you, so back down." His pride causes him to back down slowly. I knew, he was just jumping bad, but he was almost in a danger zone. Throughout the rest of the night he keeps flip flopping with his mood. I get him in a good mood. Then, he gets aggravated with something. He goes from cussing the other dude out, being confrontational with people in the club, and giving me attitude. I definitely plan on keeping my distance from him. I just found out Plan B had to put a restraining order against him, which he continues to break. Shawty, you're are clinical and don't even know it

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I have to celebrate tonight. Is there anything going on?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

What am I afraid of?

I'm brought to this question when the topic of love comes up. I wrote about this months ago. I read something on another blogger's page and it caused me to question him. I really was questioning myself. I love reading you guys! Sometimes you guys stir something up...thanks! Are we really ready for love? If so, why the self sabotage (dismissive, disengaged, etc)? I voiced my fear. What's yours

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Sex is on my mind

Before I send this text. F**k I sent the text (an innocent good night). Okay, before I answer this phone (quickly ignored the phone call). I'm going to type this post, because I'm horny as hell and this well give me enough time to calm down. I'm not even sleepy, so I can't sleep it off. Masturbation would be an insult to the passion I feel. D**n, your body up against my body on the dance floor really got me going. I backed it up too much, I felt too much, and it felt too good. Plus, you are fine! I'm going to take a hot shower and chill out. I know my limits, so I'm not answering that darn phone. It will make matters worse. I need to sleep it's 4:10am...who is thinking about sex this freakin' early? Your a** was like a dream. It was so..umph! OMG...let me get in this shower, because I'm still thinking about you. This was so the real post before this one.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Mr. Real Thang

I received the e-mail inviting me to your going away party two weeks ago. I still haven't opened the evite. My reply would only further damage our non-existing relationship. It's weird how you still will not contact me yourself. I have casually reached out to you once in a time of need. No response, which definitely lets me know I shouldn't come to the party. I knew the whole time you were not the one! I tried anyway. Twice I was surprise by mystery boyfriends.

I reflect on the time we shared and laugh my a** off. You were the first guy to jack me off. A few minutes later you revealed you had a boyfriend, so that's why you couldn't finish me off. You didn't cheat as long as no one came (wtf). Seconds after that you revealed that I had been looking at your boyfriend the whole time. I was floored. I remember a few weeks later we stopped talking.

Months later a mutual friend came in town and you used him to get us back together. A month later you were pressing hard to "know me". I messed around and freaked your a** out. Your talking and moaning still is HOT to me (f**k when you say my name..whew). The rest of it was ahhh...uneventful. I remember the day I told you how disappointed I was. You had every excuse. Thank God! We didn't f**k! How do you let a virgin show you up? You've been making out for years. I was amused! I remember being devastated the morning after you left. The good church boy was being "Life, we didn't really do anything. Stop beating yourself up." By that night, I was cool. Two weeks later you stayed over again. I bet you just knew it was going down. I taught you intimacy that night. You struggled at first, but you enjoyed a nonsexual night.

You exposed me to a few things in Atlanta and introduce me to a lot of good people. Most of them don't talk to me now. You shielded me from the gay scene. You didn't want the negative influence. Plus, you have to keep up your image. You could be a senator or something one day.
You and I both know I was the realist man you've ran into. You didn't admit it, but you definitely couldn't deny it. I was the only guy who sharpened you mentally, feed you spiritual ( I had tears in your eyes on more than one occasion), and intrigued you sexually. I called you often on how bad of a brother I was. You could never do anything, but smile. I'm sure your tale of this pseudo relationship is different. Perception is something is it not?

You served your purpose, so I don't regret anything. I think that's why it's easier for me to be cordial. My attendance to this party wouldn't be a good thing. It may come across real nasty now, but trust me it's better for me not to attend.


Your Real Thing

Monday, July 21, 2008

Flashing Lights

Playing~"Need You Bad"-Jazmin Sullivan

I was offered a job that has me debating about my stay in Atlanta. The job will pay a couple thousand more and I will not pay state taxes, which will make the raise $5-7 thousand. It's in an industry I really don't know anything about, but I've worked the operations manager before, so he wants me to join his team. If I take the job I have to say bye bye to Atlanta, Ga.

This opportunity has caused me to reflect on my time here and why I came to Atlanta. I saw Atlanta as the promise land for black people. Anytime I visited I saw young black professionals all around town in their nice cars, eating at nice restaurants, etc. Atlanta seemed like the place to be if you were an up and coming young black professional. I also saw Atlanta as a place for me to explore my sexuality. I thought to myself, "I will have the freedom there to satisfy my curiosity".

I've been thinking about my progress in those two areas. Professionally, I'm not doing bad, but I'm definitely not what I envision in my head. I'm working my little a** off. There is no glamour! I make decent money. My potential growth with the company is high, but sometimes I absolutely loath my job. All in all, is not bad.

My sexuality has been explored to a decent degree. The first year I was here I didn't explore much at all. Plan B came into the picture and stirred things up a bit. Other than him I ran into a few freaks. They just wanted to get f**ked or f**k me, which immediately turned me off. Well, one was MY GOD (raises his hand in praise)! I've been to a couple of clubs (~4). Other than that nothing!

I'm wondering to myself was I allured by the flashing lights and how long am I willing to wait for one to shine on me. Should I take the money, pack up my crap and move to Florida?

Playing~"should I go"-Brandy

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Obama and Lil Wayne

Check out the collaboration between Obama and Lil Wayne

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Lesson Learned

About two months ago a friend was over my house telling me about how he was tired of his current boyfriend. Deuce and I gave him a hard time. The bf is a little needy, but a good boyfriend (cleans, works, cooks, etc). Then, my friend confesses that he has cheated on him. Deuce went into "y'all n*ggas aint sh*t " mode. Our friend thinks its funny. He thinks the dude drove him to cheat on him. He was too clingy. The dude called twice and texted like 7 times within an hour. In the midst of all of this our friend is trying to figure out what's up with me. Deuce warns me about our mutual friend "he's trying to figure you out, don't go for it". I figured that, because of some of the questions he was asking.

A month or so later I hang out with my friend. We both had prior engagements, but we decided to meet each other later that night. We wanted to party together. He calls me while I'm still out with my other friend. Apparently, he was still entertaining his fling. Well, the guy began to want more. He shows out while my friend, the fling and their mutual friends are in line trying get into this popular restaurant/ lounge. He flees the scene. Guess who shows up at the club...the fling. He dances with my friend, but my friends decides to dance with someone else. He pushes my friend so hard he stumbles back. My friend threatens the boy and security removes the fling. The fling calls my friend's boyfriend who is out of town. The fling and the boyfriend know each (these wh*res are trifling) . The next morning my friend is trying to recover from his hangover only to be awaken by his boyfriend ranting on the phone. Now, he has to kiss @** for awhile. Lesson Learned: Stick with what you have

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Have you ever left a person/place/or thing with extreme sorrow, but you clearly understood that it was a much need move? How did you feel leaving that noun? How did you keep the big picture in mind? Leaving when nothing in particular is wrong outside of a natural progression is tough.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I'm just venting


I've been in such a good space. Everything is on one accord, but yesterday my love life bubbled up. My lack of a love life didn't kill my mood, but it definitely put me in a reflective mood. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let someone love me. I'm so dismissive. Then, I look at all of the bullshit around me and I think I'm better off than the people who are dating/ in love. They have to go through so many different things (cheating, lying, compromising more than they desire, fighting, the uncertainties of the other person feelings towards them, etc). Hell, some of them are just tolerating the person and seeing how things play out. The person is available and they find them attractive. I guess that's what dating is all about, but you guys know I'm waiting for a magical feeling. I want to be intrigued by them. I don't want to just tolerate someone.

My friends who have been together on and off for almost 11 years broke up. Life circumstances and growth lead one person to make the decision. From the outside you wouldn't know they broke up. They plan on distancing themselves for each more once their business together is done. 11 years and we are done?! Both are devastated, but one is managing much better. He is embracing the change.

I asked one of my friends when was the last time he let someone love him? His answer was 17 years! OMG! He decided to be successful and focus on love later. His career came first. Dating was something he really didn't have time for. Granted, he is shy of 40 and he is pretty much retired. He doesn't have to report to anyone's job. He thinks I have potential to end up like him, so he pushes me to go out and be "adventurous" . "It doesn't get any easier when you're older." He also thinks I'm going to get married to a woman. This is not the first time I've heard this. A few people have told me that I will not last long in this lifestyle.

Another friend can pull just about anyone. He still ends up with nothing of substance (maybe a good nut and a week or two of dates). Then, the person disappears or something along those lines. I feel sorry for him. He shared a piece of himself with someone who could give a d*mn. I is a big deal to me. I talk big, but nothing is going on until I feel like if you left the next day I wouldn't feel cheap or cheated.

I just don't know. Anyway, this was me venting whatever

Playing~"Best Friend"-Ledisi

Monday, July 07, 2008

My daddy

How has your relationship with your father influenced your relationship with men? Even if he was absent,, you had an ideal of how fathers behaved and cared for their child. For example, If your father was absent does that make you more independent or dependent upon the men you date? I know we may not want to acknowledge our fathers in some cases, but it's worth exploring. It's not something we can just ignore. Our relationship with our parents or lack there is fundamental in our interaction with others.

My father was absent for the most part. He was a hustler. We interacted a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I was able to see the bullsh*t more clearly. The empty promises and the lack of consistency made me cut him off. On the other hand, my father was very cool, carefree, and very affectionate towards me. Now, my relationship with men is so straight up. If you look like you could possibly have some bullsh*t going on I stop communicating with you immediately (in most cases). See where I'm going?