Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Fire, change, people, and clothes


Life done bbbuuurrrnnnn the house down. My gas bill was out of control, so I thought let me buy some wood. Well, little did I know my freakin' vent was not open. Next thing I know the darn fire alarm is going off. I have to get off the phone, open the vent, open a window, fan the fire alarm, try to open the patio sliding door only to break something. It was a mess, but the fire department didn't have to come out to the springs.

Okay, I feel like I'm reliving a portion of 2006 over, which is not cool. Same bad habit that got me down in 2006 is getting my behind now. I need to get my sh*t together...this is not what's up. I'm a progressive brother this cannot go on, but one thing that rings true to me is....change happen when you change your mind. A calendar date has nothing to do with change. Please tell me someone is experiencing this

Today, I was reminded that I'm not an island. I've been here for 5 months and I haven't had one of those moments until today ( a week off will do it to ya). I need a crew. You know, a few people you can call because it's Tuesday and there is nothing to do. I had a pretty solid crew in college. It was about 5 of us. Then, I had another crew of 3 people, so I was good. I definitely need to get some friends here. Bloggers we need to meet up...this is safer than meeting complete strangers. What do you think?

Nobody cares about the skinny boys! All the big boys complain about clothes, people judgments, etc. Nobody cries out for the skinny boys, so here I am. We can't find no darn clothes either. Being 5'8 and *cough* pounds is tough. Finding a 30x30 is mission impossible! I even go to the skinny boys stores (as my friend calls them)...Banana Republic and Express..what's up with that? Big boys get over yours...skinny boys go through too. Do you know someone had the nerve to call me petite....CLEARLY YOU WANT ME TO BEAT YOUR A**!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Slowly surely

Playing~"Ask Myself"-Robin Thicke

I'm growing comfortable with my sexuality. I've noticed myself doing things... small test (if you will). I think it's more of a subconscious step(s). For example, when I went home. I wore an outfit I would have never worn. I wore these Slim Express Jeans and a fitted sweater. I wore it to an event that I knew a lot of people who knew of me would be at. I got a few looks of umhhmmm (what your name is?) and fewer looks of umph (those pants are questionable), but I appreciated all of it. I know, this is something insignificant to most of you, but for me it was a big deal. When I first got there my friend saw me and he thought the outfit was nice. When we stepped out of the building to go to his car, I asked.... is this too much? He was like, no, but I was telling him I feel like I'm being mannish(fast) in this outfit. Is this too tight? No, your fine don't worry. If you were doing too much I would tell you. He thought it was the funniest thing...life, got on some punk shoes. What?! These are Steve Madden...how are they punk? His response "all the punks wear shoes like those"...whatever. After him assuring me, I was fine. I didn't care whatever anyone's opinion was.

Now, I'm still at a stand still, because I still like girls. Feelings for male and females don't appear to be going anywhere (God, if I could leave either and cling to the other)...I guess slowly surely that will resolve itself. I don't believe there are that many bi-sexual people (including myself). You have a preference for one. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it!

Robin Thicke cd is slowly growing on me.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

What's in your inbox?

Playing~"I love You"-Mary J. Blige

Once again, nonverbal communication is taking over..what's up with this? One of my friends rarely talks to you, but will text you to death. I've come to the conclusion that your inbox says a lot about you. On a few occassions my theory has been proven true. I never viewed their inbox, but when I asked to view it they were like "you don't want to do that", so what does your inbox reveal about you?

Playing~"Be Happy"-Mary J. Blige

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

As a child...As a man

Playing~"anything"-Jay-z ft. Usher

Today, I just needed my space after playing merry go round with friends, associates, and snakes. After, the great weekend with friends and family I had to deal with drama (sighs). Today was a day of rest. I did nothing. All the tug of war wore me out. I really struggle with communicating professional when I'm pissed. I immediately want to go off and/or kick some a**. You know, back in the day if you were confronting someone it was going to be a fight or they were going to punk out. My temper is still an area of opportunity for me. While all the drama was going on I was able to keep the ego in check and communicate (for the most part) coridially. I've grown!!! My temper use to be something else. However, most people will never know that, because I keep it together well enough, but man do I struggle inwardly. I also struggle with express myself. Letting people know...you hurt me. I usually brush it off or fight with it within myself until I come to peace with it. It's tough for me to let a person know they got the best of me. Now I do a decent job of communicating to people how I feel about their actions. It's much better than keeping it in or wanting to kick their @** all the time. What things did you struggle as a child that you still struggle with as an adult.

vanity, vanity, vanity
How do you hyperlink something with blogger? I don't like pasting the urls.

Playing~"Joy"-Johnta Austin

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Another reason why I'm single...I guess

My friends called me out this weekend. We have not seen each other in awhile (months) and everyone knows I was going to pyscho-analyze our issues and circumstances. While I was providing some feedback, laughing and being shocked by what going on in their lives...they read me (as my grandmother would say). Life, your single because your scared. WHAT?! Then, they broke me down and I had to admit.....I am scared. Being vulnerable, needing someone, and investing time when there is no guarantee is not cool with me. You do all of this work and people can up and decided " I don't love you no more". Me and this control thing...*%#@! I was a bit social this weekend. I flirted a little, talked a little with no intentions on actually investing time with the person, but it was nice to see I still had my mojo. My car was fixed for the low and I spent too much money on food. Check out my love results: http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=DBLD&g=1&o=1

How was your weekend?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

What's your name? What's your sign?

Playing~"Two Weeks Notice"-Fantasia

My lack of dating has peaked a lot of my family and friends interest. When my mom and grandmother came to visit the topic was brought up in a rather interesting way. Everyone knows, I'm my mother success story. I"m her "I did something right." The only thing that is not bring things full circle for her is me and relationship. She is like your 23 and your chronically single. What's wrong? "life, your handsome and nice...there aint no girl at your job you like?"Basically, my mother was every so slightly saying "If your gay, just tell me" for the 2nd time. Only for my grandmother to say "Why do you keep talk about this gay stuff? If anything, the boy is half and half." I wanted to dying rolling. I was so amused and slightly nervous at my mother's and grandmother's conversation about my relationship status and sexuality. It was one of those "this is making me laugh, but I don't know if I'm laugh because I'm a little nervous or I'm amused" For shock value I wanted to say "mom, yes, I'm a homo and I've been sleeping with men for many years." The truth is, I am in a quasi state. I never been with a man, but do I find some men intriguing and attractive? Yes. I think it definitely has effected my dating life. Girls, boys, both? I wouldn't want to bring someone into my enigmatic state. However, anyone who knows me knows I like certainty, but finding a definitive piece to this puzzle is quite the task. There are too many factors involved: family, friends, sex, religion, self-acceptance, etc... exhales. I have too much of a need to control my life and emotions to test things out, so instead, I just stand still until I can put everything together. I would never want to be this person who is sneakin' and creepin' around. For goodness sake, I'm grown! People "outing" people and stuff is crazy to me. I wouldn't give someone the pleasure. I'll make moves when I'm comfortable (with whatever decision I choose). Until then, I'll keep walking my journey and discovering my truth

Monday, January 15, 2007

Just Groovin

I have some stuff to talk about, but for now...let's just enjoy the music

Teedra Moses http://www.supload.com/listen?s=SdKxPTB4iSU Blow Me Out
Teedra Moses http://www.supload.com/listen?s=Sjx8lPhSI6U Take Away my love

Mary J. Blige http://www.supload.com/listen?s=S0Gw3o_POUo Out of my head
Mary J. Blige http://www.supload.com/listen?s=SV6f8_Q15-G Best Friend

Robin Thicke ft. Mary J. http://www.supload.com/listen?s=S6gN0C_Zo5C Ask Myself

Maxwell http://www.supload.com/listen?s=S21Xcw-zVu9 symptom unknown

What do you think of the songs?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

You know you want it

Playing~"Not the way that I do"~Fantasia

First, who saw the BCS game? Yeah, never underestimate US!

I wish sex wasn't a factor in life. I'm so over it! Horniess is running rampant...is it the cold weather? People do too much for sex...STOP IT! We all go the extra mile to make sure we are attractive, but this over the top lasciviousness is killing me. What is going on with these guys wearing small shirts, fitted pants (that sag), and a belt that holds the pants in the center of their a**. These individual are walking around advertising their ass. Then, they give you the look of "You know you want it". "No, the hell I don't." SIT YOUR A** DOWN! Has modesty become a dying characteristic? Maybe, I'm old fashion, but I still believe in subtle, but direct flirting. It's all in the eyes people...grown folks know what I mean..lol.

5 years, no sex, (not even masturbation) and I'm glad about. Some folks probably wouldn't believe me, because back in the day, my knowledge, personality, and attitude may have conveyed the contrary. Originally, I wanted to wait until I was married...lol (being the good church boy I was/am). Well, that's not ruled out, but from the looks of things...not happening. I have experienced it all. Girls coming up to my room to just "talk", dudes pulling out their d*cks, and the infamous "I just want to touch it or "just put/can I put the head in". NO....okay, one or two have seen or touched..lol. What is a brother suppose to do? Darn(we have our moments...don't judge me..lol)! Everyone thinks Atlanta, Ga is going to do me in. "Oh they going to get you" is what people were/are saying. "Life, you're nice, cute, you got yourself together, and little (I detest that..I'm 5'8 and slim, but I'm no ones little). Some folks check in time to time to see what's going on. NOTHING! I SAY WITH PLEASURE. "It's coming, you're hiding in your house, but you are going to get got" me: "whatever"

My questions are:
1. What's the BIG DEAL?
2. What's up with the random hook ups? I'm not going to state my opinion, b/c I'm not trying to judge..I just want to know.
3. Why do you think it drives us so much (sex, that is)?
4.)Is the nut really worth it? (we all know it feels good, but really??)

Playing~"smoking cigarettes"-Tweet

Friday, January 05, 2007

Experiencing Corporate American

Playing~"Half Crazy"~Musiq

Being a fairly recent college graduate this is my first time working for a corporation. I'm learning perception is everything (it's second only to politics). The political game, is a game I have to learn to play. I keep a positive attitude and somehow I always make everyone laugh, so I'm already two steps ahead of the game. Corporations are very shady to me. I experienced it for the first time this week (it reminds me of political games we played in college).

Myself and another new hire came on at the same time. They told us when we got there what the deal was. We may or may not keep either of you. If the budget permits, we will keep one and release the other. We both are on contract, so being unemployed wasn't a fear. We wouldn't work at that relocation, but we would find a job. Well, last week I got the news that I was chosen and the other new hire wasn't. It was a lot of behind closed doors meeting and maneuvering behind peoples back and somehow I missed 98% of it. Now, they are saying they don't know what they are going to do with the other new hire. Even though she is on contract, they are playing around with everything. We are cool, so it's weird now. It's like I snatched her feet from under her, but I didn't, I was just doing my job. I truly think my attitude worked for me this time. She is very much in your face and I'm more passive (compared to her). I consider this job a bridge to over troubled water. I see no need to be aggressive on this career, but she does. She wants to stay in this industry, but I could do without it. Me being selected was a secretive thing and apparently someone else thought they had it. I didn't interview, so I didn't know it was a big deal, but apparently it is. Now I'm faced with the undertones of fake "congrats". Question for more season Corporate America Employees: Does it get any better? I think they are mistaken my team player/nice guy attitude as weakness or a opportunity for them to advance their agenda at my expense. They really have the wrong guy, so I'm going to help them out real soon.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

So that's how it works

playing "weak"~JoJo

I don't know if I was tried tonight or not. I need your opinion. This is the scene:I was leaving a lounge in the downtown area (around 1:30am) and I notice this truck slow down a little, but I thought nothing of it (I thought they slowed down because they was trying to see who was leaving or trying holler at these girls that were leaving the lounge). Well, the trucks turns around in the parking lot. I cross the street. This time they let it be known that they turned around for me. At this point, I'm looking, because they broke and ran over glass while turning around in the parking lot, so I'm watching the truck. I guess he realized I wasn't responding. I acknowledge that he was looking and stuff, but I got on my cell phone. This fool blow his horn twice. I'm confused does this person think I'm prostitute or what? I was way to dressed to look like a darn prostitute. Where they trying to holler at me in the street?

I told you, I get a hair cut and man..lol. Really...what was that about? I never had a dude to holler at me in public. I've had subliminal flirting (something that has an undertone, but could easily be brushed off), but never...a "what's up? What's your name?" I didn't get that tonight, but I'm assuming if I would've provided that opportunity it would have went there. I would never anyway. What happen there?