Waterfalls

On my way back from Miami "waterfalls" by TLC came on. The song seem so fitting for my travel back to Atlanta. I was thinking about all of the activities that took place this weekend and I wondered how many people didn't stick to the rivers and the lakes that they were use to. For this weekend they decided to chase a waterfall. Only to discover upon obtaining this waterfall they would fall off a cliff. Making them second guess their decision to chase after something that was so appealing.



We've all experienced our lust leading us to a place where we weren't ready for either emotional, physically, financially, or spiritual. We all have done it at some point in our lives. There is no judgement here...trust me. All I'm saying is it's okay to stick to the rivers and the lakes that you are use to.

Yet another Dear John

Playing~"Drained"-Latoya Luckett (this song came on and it's fits the post...oh the irony)

I remember thinking, "did I speak this man into my life". You came correct no hhiisssing, no sending your friend, no crazy comment to catch my attention, no sexual innuedo and no game. You came with questions and I provided answers. You were so sure and confident. I was beyond impressed. I later found out it took you two weeks to build up the courage to approach me (lol). You were ready to jump in the water head first. I was only ready to swirl my feet around. Unfortunately, this particular issue caused me to break things off abrutly. Uncertain of my decision, our relationship became this ball of ambiguity. You were not delighted about this lack of clearity, but you dealt with it. After all, you just wanted to keep me around. Eventually, you started receiving benefits that made it worth it. My sex game went to another level! I don't know what I was doing before, but sex became an experience! However, a year later I was still guarded and provided no terms or commitments to our future. I just couldn't let my guards down. I also had some concerns, but I knew I couldn't change them. You were so ready to please; I couldn't get you to admit to my concerns. Sadly, one night your passion for me boiled over and things quickly went left. I realized that your desire for me could put both of us in danger. I haven't spoken to you since; we both knew that night was the last night of us.

It starts now

I keep putting decisions off. Out of fear of the unknown or the hope for something better. I Try to plan for all of life's contingencies. Thus, I miss out on a lot of opportunities. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to realize the life I'm planning for is already in progress. It will not start when I get a new job, move, or meet someone

* I deleted the Dorion post. I wouldn't want someone to post my photos. Plus, a mutual friend said he's really upset about.

Quasi Relationships

Playing~"houtatlantavegas"-JoJo ft. Drake (This chick can really sing)

I'm a constant observer and I'm noticing a lot quasi relationship exist in our community. Nobody is really dating anyone. We "talk" to this one. We went on a date with that one. We chat with this one on Facebook. We "mess" with this one. We really like the other dude. If the truth be told, he is not that into us, but we're cute so he keeps us around. Unfortunately, we're doing the same thing to someone else. All this is going on and we are talking about wanting a commitment filled relationship. Do we really want commitment? Do we really understand what a committed relationship requires/looks like?

I like the ideal and the look of a committed relationship. The reality of it is kinda scary. I don't know if I'm emotionally handicap, still finding my way with dating, or scared (probably a mixture of all three). I find it difficult to get into anyone. Thus, I exert very little energy when dealing with anyone. Consequently, they probably feel the same way and the cycle just continues.

The little boy in me

An associate of mine ask this question and I found it to be intriguing. Is the little boy I use to be proud of the man I have become? What is your answer

You're the sh*t!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.-Psalms 134v14

This scripture came to mind on my way back from Miami (after all of the debauchery I'm thinking about scriptures..lol. I crack myself up). Our friend gets to Miami and is insecure about everything. We kept reaffirming him during the whole trip. Mind you, this friend typically meets someone everywhere we go. Surprisingly and silent I reaffirmed myself after Friday night. We both were blown after the club. We didn't mack anyone out and no one macked us. We both were like wtf?! All these dude here and I didn't meet anyone. We dropped one of our friends off and went back to park lot pimp. We experienced some interaction there and I ran into a blogger (he has certain style about him that I like).

Fast foward to Sunday night. My friend is macking and getting all night. I'm quite impressed! His self-esteem was through the roof. I was delighted that my friend was on such a high. However, I thought to myself this can't be good. Your esteem being based on people is dangerous. Heck, people will have you like an elevator. Taking you up when they want and bringing you down when they want. Then, that scripture came to mind. Why do we allow people to to increase and decrease our value? If God, himself, tells us that we are the SH*t and everything is where it'suppose to be! Who cares what anyone else thinks

where am i to go?

Playing~"I tried"-J. Holiday

Am at a very weird place in my life. I've grown too much for where I am and I have no ideal where I'm going. For an ambitious person I am lacking direction...BIG TIME! I don't know what to do with myself career wise. I've been at my current employer for 3 years. Amidst all of the BS, I've obtain a few promotions and gain a great reputation throughout the organization. There is a problem, I've always viewed this job as a stepping stone and my ticket to Atlanta. If I was going to stay with the organization, I definitely would go to the corporate office. Well, no more corporate office ( the Atlanta office closed). I've been identified as a flight risk, so they are trying to push me to the next level. When they asked questions about what I want to do, I never have a solidified answer.

I'm so over this job. I'm becoming short of despondent. The only thing that keeps me going now is my reputation. I've thought of going back to school, which is typical for a college graduate who finds themselves unhappy with the job market. However, that would cause me to downsize my life. Basically, I'll have to get a roommate (sigh). I haven't obtained any major debt (i.e. new car, etc).

I realize I haven't found my passion. I don't find myself too enthused about anything in particular. I'm concerned! I'm great at event planning. While in college I put on events that people are still trying to duplicate (4 years later). I lead well. Thus, my success at my current job (manager). I just need to find something that's meaningful for me and pays well. I'm certain half of America could echo that line.

Okay, enough self-loathing

What Happen?

Playing~"my everything"-Monica

It's funny how things change in relationships/friendships. We could talk for hours, but now, we can barely make it 20 mins. Heck, I may not even get a response to a text. He would beg to come over. Even rearrange his whole schedule to be in my presence. I can't clear out enough time for him to see me now. At first, I was indifferent about his affection. Then, I start enjoying the game of it all (~a month into it). About a month later things went left. We talked and things kinda ended. Of course, everyone ask about him. I try to give a solid response, but really I don't know. Honestly, I'm asking myself what happen?

Life is such a journey and I don't want to take anything from it. On this path I run into painful places. Other times I walk into joy unspeakable. I have to be extremely careful not to consider either place a destination, but places I pass through on this journey. If not, I'll always be out of balance. I have to embrace each lesson both places were meant to teach me. I am on this journey and I will not take anything from it.

*this probably makes sense to no one outside of myself...lol* I just feel some kinda way and I had to take 4 minutes to express myself.

Are you listening?

God speaks to us in unorthodox ways from time to time. A few days ago I was at home trying to watch some of my favorite shows on abc.com. Every time I tried to load the video my computer would freeze. My virus alert would come up letting me know it was blocking the streaming. I kept restarting Explorer and it continue to happen. Then, I decided I need to stop acting like an insane person and try something different. I go to my anti-virus set up and realize my program was set so strict it was blocking the very thing I was trying to enjoy. I disabled that part of the anti-virus program. Then, I went back to explorer and I was able to enjoy watching the show without incident.
The message was simple. At times, we are too guard. So much so, it hinders us from achieving the pleasure we are seeking. Every now and then we have to take down some of those guards, so we whatever joy life could be presenting us. I don't know if this will speak to anyone, but that experience spoke to me. Everyone thinks I'm too self controlled/guarded. God has a funny way of teaching us lesson. He's always speaking/teaching it's up to us to hear/learn. I hope the new year is treating everyone well.

Commitment?

I have commitment issues. It's becoming more and more obvious to me. My situation with him (we'll come him Transition) and buying a new car put the issue right in my face. When it comes down to commitment I always make the noun(s) less valuable. I choose to stick to what's comfortable for me. Please tell me someone else can relate to a degree

mystery

I'm starting to believe something is wrong with me. I cannot stay interested in anyone for a length period of time (less than a month). Is anyone having this problem? I've always been this way. In the past six months, I've met two good guys. Both were into me, but something was missing. What they were missing I can't tell you. Both complained about me being guarded. I'm starting to think it's not the people, its me.

Lesson Learned

What has been the biggest lesson you've learned this year?

If I had to choose one thing it would be "I'm not all that". I really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I became so free after I learned that lesson. I was more free to do whatever I felt. Yeah, people will talk and say whatever, but next week it will be someone else. Don't concern yourself with what others are thinking about you. I am not the President. People aren't constantly talking about me. They are just talking about me like they talk about everyone else. I know it sounds simple, but it was very liberating for me. I learned how to live me life. What has been your lesson?

Love, really?

I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.

I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.

Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."

It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.

Playing~Nothing-Brandy

Lies and truths

PH.D ( an older gay friend) tells me from time to time "you're going to end up with a woman". Slick has told me the same thing for years. When PH.D said it for the first time I was taken aback. We had been around each other at the most five times. I immediately tried to defend my gayness...lol. Heck, I'm just getting comfortable and here you are telling me I'm going to end up with a woman. I asked him to explain his logic. He has seen "me" several times. Guys who find men attractive, dated men, and in some cases loved men. However, the lifestyle proved to be lonely, exclusive, and messy, so they left it alone all together. PH.D simply thinks I don't fit into the culture and I'm too logical to stay somewhere I don't fit (this is true). He and I have discussed our logic on this issue several times. Actually, I agreed with a great deal of his reasoning, but my point was "I don't want to live a lie". Do I find woman attractive? Yes. Could I have sex with a woman? Yes. However, there is no denying that I find men attractive. I've always found men attractive.

I hate to admit it, but somedays I feel like PH.D is right. Today is one of those days.

Mr. Real Thang

I received the e-mail inviting me to your going away party two weeks ago. I still haven't opened the evite. My reply would only further damage our non-existing relationship. It's weird how you still will not contact me yourself. I have casually reached out to you once in a time of need. No response, which definitely lets me know I shouldn't come to the party. I knew the whole time you were not the one! I tried anyway. Twice I was surprise by mystery boyfriends.

I reflect on the time we shared and laugh my a** off. You were the first guy to jack me off. A few minutes later you revealed you had a boyfriend, so that's why you couldn't finish me off. You didn't cheat as long as no one came (wtf). Seconds after that you revealed that I had been looking at your boyfriend the whole time. I was floored. I remember a few weeks later we stopped talking.

Months later a mutual friend came in town and you used him to get us back together. A month later you were pressing hard to "know me". I messed around and freaked your a** out. Your talking and moaning still is HOT to me (f**k when you say my name..whew). The rest of it was ahhh...uneventful. I remember the day I told you how disappointed I was. You had every excuse. Thank God! We didn't f**k! How do you let a virgin show you up? You've been making out for years. I was amused! I remember being devastated the morning after you left. The good church boy was being naughty...lol. "Life, we didn't really do anything. Stop beating yourself up." By that night, I was cool. Two weeks later you stayed over again. I bet you just knew it was going down. I taught you intimacy that night. You struggled at first, but you enjoyed a nonsexual night.

You exposed me to a few things in Atlanta and introduce me to a lot of good people. Most of them don't talk to me now. You shielded me from the gay scene. You didn't want the negative influence. Plus, you have to keep up your image. You could be a senator or something one day.
You and I both know I was the realist man you've ran into. You didn't admit it, but you definitely couldn't deny it. I was the only guy who sharpened you mentally, feed you spiritual ( I had tears in your eyes on more than one occasion), and intrigued you sexually. I called you often on how bad of a brother I was. You could never do anything, but smile. I'm sure your tale of this pseudo relationship is different. Perception is something is it not?

You served your purpose, so I don't regret anything. I think that's why it's easier for me to be cordial. My attendance to this party wouldn't be a good thing. It may come across real nasty now, but trust me it's better for me not to attend.

Sincerely,

Your Real Thing

My daddy

How has your relationship with your father influenced your relationship with men? Even if he was absent,, you had an ideal of how fathers behaved and cared for their child. For example, If your father was absent does that make you more independent or dependent upon the men you date? I know we may not want to acknowledge our fathers in some cases, but it's worth exploring. It's not something we can just ignore. Our relationship with our parents or lack there is fundamental in our interaction with others.

My father was absent for the most part. He was a hustler. We interacted a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I was able to see the bullsh*t more clearly. The empty promises and the lack of consistency made me cut him off. On the other hand, my father was very cool, carefree, and very affectionate towards me. Now, my relationship with men is so straight up. If you look like you could possibly have some bullsh*t going on I stop communicating with you immediately (in most cases). See where I'm going?

I just want to be....

Have you ever felt the need to let out a good cry, but u didn't have a specific reason to cry?

I don't want to wear my superman cape tonight. I don't want to think about: getting people raises, meeting this unfair goal, hearing complaints, analyzing my interview last week, why I'm hard on myself, when am I going to find something real, how I completely missed the boat on preparing myself for graduate school, and how I'm going to manifest all the desires I have.

sigh

Lessons learned

Thank you for cursing me out for questioning your love. You taught me how to love myself and to appreciate the love someone can show. You didn't love me any less, because you couldn't express your love the way I desired.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who made negative comments about my dark skin. You taught me that my self-esteem is just that SELF-esteem.

Thanks for the innumerable amount of rumors spread! I've learned how to just do me. People will say what they want anyway.

I'm grateful for the season when I stood alone, people hated me, and others who kept their distance because of people's dis-like towards me. For the first time, I wasn't popular in a good way. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and be okay with that!

Even though I released these issues years ago it feels good to reflect on them. I am an overcomer...breathes and exhales. Reflecting on my freedom...God is good!

When I was a boy

Playing~"Solider"-Erykah Badu

When I was a boy I thought I didn't need anyone. How foolish was I? About 5 months ago, I realize I'm no island. I was Mr. self satisfied. I would disappear for days at a time with no human contact. Now, I can probably go for a day or so. I need people more than I ever could imagine. Up until 5 months ago I couldn't identify with people who needed someone. I couldn't comprehend their feeling of loneliness. I thought they were insecure or something. I'm quickly realizing they were just feeling what anyone would feel. You need someone to touch, talk to, laugh with, be intimate with. A place where you let your guard down and your embraced for everything you are/ everything you aren't. It's weird admitting that...lol. I'm so not use to being in a place of need. Especially when the supplies are housed within someone else.