Wednesday, October 31, 2007

good enough

I have been kinda blah, introspective, and disappointed. During this time, I have discovered we all have one need, the need to feel good enough. We want to be the child that makes our mothers proud. The one she can brag on at work. We want to be the best employee at our jobs, so our education and experience can be affirmed by the company we work for. We also want to feel good enough to be loved (in the romantic sense). To have someone to think about us in the middle of the day. Trusted, cared for, etc.

The love department is where the challenge lies. We go the extra mile to prove that we are good enough. However, I have learned the hard way, being good enough to be loved is unmerited. You really can't earn it. For the most part, parents are proud of their children when they achieve. Jobs usually promote if you consistently perform well, but with the matters of the heart. Your sacrifices, hardwork, and dedication could mean nothing to someone else. There is no graduation to attend. The is no scale for you to be evaluated on. Nothing! When all of your work goes unnoticed or dismissed and the love you thought was exclusively yours is being shared with some other unknown person. You are left to wonder why. Why am I not good enough? What could I have done differently? Are they that better looking then me? Is the sex better? What do they have over me?
*this post doesn't reflect my current state...I'm good. I wrote this back in 2006. It was like my second or third post on this blog. I still want your feedback on my previous post*

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

What should I do?

I knew I would run into him sooner or later. A brief awkwardness separated my initial greeting to you. I spoke first, because I knew your pride would have you at a lost for words. You respond accordingly and the awkwardness returns just as swiftly as it left. I'm determine to get rid of the weirdness, which is my way of communicating to you "you were never that serious to me". I start a conversation about topics we never finish discussing, because our whatever you want to call it ended so abruptly. You let me know about your many successes. I wished you well. I inform you about my happenings. You let me know everyone keeps asking about me. I give them my regards. I also discover your single now. I knew that wasn't going to last. Then, I discover a mutual associate is joining the group. PROBLEM!!! This mutual friend was persistent about getting the ding ding. JESUS!! I thought the awkwardness was gone. The night goes pretty well outside of my phone vibrating all times of the night. You give a slight umph, which I thought was cute.

Now, I'm stuck wondering....should I contact this person to see why we don't talk to each other anymore? I'm sure he thought I dissed him, so he decided he would never speak to me again. ding ding boy and you both had to admit I was looking right...I overheard. Blogsphere what should I do? I don't know if I desire to befriend him at all, but I would like to know why we don't talk. It's probably best that I just leave it alone. As you can see I need your feedback

Also, a mutual friend arranged this gathering (the same guy who was so determine for us to meet). Do you think he knows we had a riff? He sent me a text message that said "I'm glad you came" when I was stuck between ding ding boy and Plan B (this is when we were at the movies). Yeah, shamefully admitting this post is about Plan B

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Just Fine

I so embody this song. The ambiguous yearning and "I just wanna be loved" is gone. I have my swag back. I don't know what the flip I was on. I was struggling for like 2 weeks...not a good look. I typically have peace and contentment in just about every state I find myself in.

Work has had minor improvements;however, it's not such much work that has changed, but how I view it. ( I try to pray. "If you can't change it, change me in the situation")

I've been doing a pretty good job about saving money. I keep shopping, but it's working into my budget (somehow). Go me!!!

I received the raise, but it hasn't shown up on my check yet. It should show up on the next better.

I'm still trying to conquer the social aspect. I just don't know...sigh.

Roomie is moving!!! He'll be on the Westside

Before all of this stuff happen I regained my surety in who and what I am. All these recent events were icing on the cake. I've also had some not so great events happen, but they just can't touch my confidence right now.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Me, Myself, and I

I have a knack for removing myself emotionally while still being present in the physical. It’s a coping method that I learned as a child. My mother taught me how to perfect this skill. She was definitely not an emotional person and as a child I was emotional. She absolutely hated that. To her that meant you were weak and no child of hers was going to be a “punk”. I definitely toughen up and as I grew older my skin grew thicker. It can be quite handy, but it can also cause problem, because people think you’re stolid. I’ve been accused of lacking emotion from time to time. I completely disagree with this accusation, but I’m definitely too logical to sensationalize a situation and freak out (it’s so unbecoming).

Now, I have a little problem. I’m not extremely attached to anyone. I think it’s my way of not allowing myself to be hurt or made a fool out of. You guys saw Jill’s character fall apart in “Why Did I Get Married?”. No Sir, not the kid! When I saw her broken up in the hotel I said “see that’s exactly what I’m talking about, I can’t do it”. My roomie goes “umph”, which spoke volumes. It can be a hindrance in my relationships, but it can also hurt me. It gives me this “me against the world” complex. I definitely have some extremely close friends and we share a great deal of our lives with each other, but even they say I can give off an aura of “I love you, but you are disposal”, which is never my intention. I’m just comfortable with doing things alone and I must admit, I definitely only count on me. Not because I don’t believe in people or trust them, but they have circumstances and situation themselves. On rare occasions it can make you feel alone, but most of the time you feel extremely confident and comfortable. I’m not sure what to do about this complex.

Me, Myself, and I

You're my friend

I had a verbal confrontation with a friend of mine. It was noting detrimental, but we definitely had some candid words for each other. I think we all have a friend who can be a little off the chain from time to time. He was telling me something and I said “you have lies”. In laymen terms it meant you are doing way too much. We say that from time to time, but this time I guess there was a little too much seriousness to my voice and boy did he lay into me. “Just because you are too afraid to live your life, don’t come for me because I’m living mine.” I’m shocked that my friend just came at me like that. He goes on to say “you try to keep up this good boy imagine, but its unreal. At the age of 24 (he’s older than me) you haven’t even lived your life. You have no story to tell. You’ve never had sex; you never had a real relationship with anyone. I don’t know why we talk to you like you have life answers.” At this point, I’m over my shock and fully loaded with a counter attack, because some of those words stung. “First, you called me so don’t come at me with all of this drama. Second, I may not have done a lot, but that’s how I avoid a lot of the crap you go through and if that’s what you call living you can keep that. I don’t want a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time. I refuse to be some else’s casual sex partner while they go back to the person they’re in a relationship with. Obviously, we have two different ideals of what living life is all about. You called me out of all of the other friends you have, because I’m the only one who can call you on your crap and give you some sound advice. Plus, I’m the only one who is mature enough to take what you just dished out and love you the same. He jokes “oh shut up, you still haven’t had sex yet.” I laugh a little.

After the laughter there was an apology from him and mine followed. However, it was made clear, both of us meant what we said, but didn’t mean for it to be as vicious as it was. I absolutely hate for people to be all bold about their actions or words and then try to down play them after they perform the act or say the words. He still feels like I don’t live, because I’m too afraid of consequences and too prideful to live with a mistake. I still feel like he needs to slow down and that he is definitely performing all of these risky behaviors, because he refuses to deal with some internal issue. We both kinda agreed with the feedback regarding us, but we realize we have to do things our way and our time

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

like a dream

So, I had my first sexual dream involving a man. I don't know what triggered the dream. Maybe, because I decided to shut down my "me time". Yeah, I'm kinda over the self love thing, for now at least. I didn't have intercourse in the dream. However, the dream was very visual. I'm definitely giving you guys way more than you desire to know, so I'm done.

*edited paragraph deleted*

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Because I refuse to post 3 times in one day

  • You ever feel like you hear so much, but you don't hear anything real. Something insightful, passionate, profound, intriguing....I need some conversation.
  • Don't you hate when you have something to say, but can't find the words to say it. It so frustrating when your thoughts and words are ambiguous, but you feel so much. My feelings are can kinda obscure themselves, but I feel such passion. I know, I'm crazy!
  • hhhmm...that's why I'm doing this random post with hopes my juices will start flowing.
  • Well, I lost another one. After it became clear I wasn't giving up the penis-no more calls, no more text...nothing. Go figure
  • I think I have potential to have beef with roomie. I just need to accept we are in two different place.
  • I'm sure everyone saw "Why Did I Get Married?". What character do you most resemble?
  • Work has become so mundane I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with it all. I'm sending two resumes to my friends, so they can doctor it up for me. I need a new job badly!
  • Okay, I'm over the randomness, because I'm bound to start giving out TMI
Playing~"Back in the day"-Erykah Badu

my freedom

As of 8:52pm on Sunday, October 14, 2007 I’m going to do better. I’m going to stop being angry about lack of reciprocity I’m receiving and stop investing in things that don’t profit me. I’m not going to mumble another word about the lack of love and friendships I have here and create them. I can’t believe I allowed myself to become so passive about my life. The only thing I was being aggressive about was my job and I need to serve their a** notice about my f*ckin’ money. I’m takin back full control…no more coasting.

get your sh*t

"the fact is (I need you)"-Jill Scott

I feel kinda bad writing this, but what the heck. I want my roomie and great friend out! He has to go! He has been here 3 months+ and I'm over it all. I'm counting down until the end of this month. At the end of this month, he will be gone one way or another. He knows that's my deadline and I'm not extending it. I can't take care of a grown person. In his defense, I purposely told him not to pay me for household expenses (rent, utilities), because I wanted him to save every dime, so he could move. The only thing he had to buy was his food, which still didn't work out that well. I extended the deadline twice one because he had a late start and the last time was because I was just trying to be a friend. After 3.5 months I'm done. I realized he hasn't even offered to pay for gas and I pick him up just about every night he works. He eats out just about as much as I do. He's been shopping...I'm like hey, I told you how I felt about it, but it's your money and you will deal with the consequences not me. The longer he stays the more I realize we're not that much alike. We both like boys and come from the same religion background, but our behavior and mindsets are definitely different.

However, I'm going to miss him and feel a little bad (only for a minute), because I was suppose to be his break. I was trying to give him a way out, which turned out to be an extended vacation.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Gift of Goodbye

Playing~"Free yourself"-Fantasia

I was cleaning my e-mail today and I ran across several e-mails from Plan B. I kinda chuckled because I had forgot about them and from time to time he runs across my mind, which is something I'm okay with. He was the first guy I entertained. After people leave us we move on, but not really. We tend to think about who they are with? Are they missing us? Did we make the right decision....blah, blah, blah. Today, I had an epiphany about this situation. Plan B was nothing special! However, I enjoyed the ideal of him. What he represented is what I enjoyed and that allows me to magnify what we had. Oh the games our psyche plays on us. From time to time I have to remind myself that the people who leave aren't tied to the person I'm destine to be. Thus, I should be appreciative of their departure, because they stopped me from investing in something that wouldn't have brought forth the results I was looking for. Thus, I never try to make anyone stay, love me, or anything else they don't want to do for me. I try to keep myself as free as possible for the people who are purpose for me. You never can welcome them fully when you are invested in someone who was only meant for a season. It's easier said than done, but let's practice the gift of goodbye

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

This blogging thing

Playing~"End of time (remix)"-JT & B

You know, blogging is a tricky thing. You get a chance to share your thoughts and ideals with a diverse group of people who may not be represented in your current reference group. It definitely can be therapeutic when you are confused or aggravated with a particular situation. However, blogging really can cause things to be lost in translation. It’s a one way communication device, which leads to a lot of misunderstanding. People read something that you wrote and get some completely different than what you intended to communicate. Often times we are just telling a story without a lot of background, which can be misrepresenting of the circumstance your writing about. Has anyone posted something and read some of the comments are wondered “how did they come to that conclusion?”


Tuesday, October 02, 2007


The truth is I’m a little gloomy and mad. My love life has been less than lack luster. Hell, it’s non-existent, which makes me feel kinda sad. You begin to wonder, am I going to be alone? I haven't had a substantial relationship and I've been here almost a quarter of a century. Everyone needs to feel that type of security/validation from time to time. It’s more than someone giving you a passing compliment. Someone feeling you’re intriguing enough to invest time in you. Someone spending their time with you is more important than anything. Time is something you can never regain, so for someone to invest a priceless commodity in you is the greatest compliment. I’m mad, because I’m the shit and I’m not getting any play. Sounds cocky, but that’s how I feel.

Now, let me take ownership of the lack of activity in my love life (I hear my roomie shouting your single because you want to be). I don’t know if I’m ready. Am I seriously ready to have my first male-to-male relationship? In real time, I don’t give men permission to approach me in a sexual neutral place (i.e. the mall, grocery store). I do this half of the time subconsciously. Then, there is this struggle with religion and sexuality. No, I’m not one of those church bois (God hates me b/c I’m gay). I’m going to break up with you every other week. I like to challenge those types, but I can’t deny how that part of my life influences not only this portion of my life, but my life in general. I absolutely refuse to talk to any women now. I wouldn’t take a woman to any of this, so I’m just stuck in the middle of nothingness.


My girl, Jill says it best on “I wanna be loved

Sidenote: I think I’ve lost another associate because of me not giving it up. I guess I should have known they rolled in the same circle. Now I have like two associates here and my roomie…this is some crap! Speaking of roomie...that's another post, but you guys know he was on a time line.

Monday, October 01, 2007

What's up with that d*ck?

Playing~"Just Mary"-Mary J. Blige

You know, I'm sick of f*cking. Well, not actually doing it, but the pursuit of it. I haven't even done it yet and I'm over it. Stop asking me about it...NO, NO, NO. It will not work!!! I can't be your friend and f*ck you too. I need to keep the few friends I've met up here. I don't understand what door I've open up, but I need to close it. Starting last month(September) I've been hit with crazy propositions and I'm over it! I can't get a decent conversation, but people can talk and text me about my chico stick. Maybe, I'm old fashion, but I just can't do the random sex thing. I wish I could, but somehow I always end up feeling cheap. After my two minor sexual encounters with the boys I felt some kinda way about it. Does anyone want to date anymore? Jesus.

Wishing to be an A sexual,


Playing~"addicted"-Amy Winehouse