Ready for Love?

Playing~"knock you down"-Keri Hilson

I want an honest answer. Hypothetically, let's say there is a such thing as a soul mate. If you met him/her today with all of your current issues and circumstances, would you be ready to commit? Could you treat them the way they're suppose to be treated? Could you allow them to treat you the way you're suppose to be treated?

We all have our vices in relationships. Would your trust issue hinder the relationship? Would pass hurts make it difficult for them to connect with you on an intimate level? Would your sex drive ruin things? Are your spending habits, so out of control they could not see building a financial future with you? Would your mood swings confuse him/her?

Honestly, are you ready for love?

Find a way to turn me on

Follow up post to this song

Sidenote: Is this not the Jazmine we all were looking for on her album? I was a little disappointed with the album.

Unsure

I don't know if I really want you
You're safe for me
Your established, mature, and stable
I'm still not sure if I want you
You want me so bad
it makes me feel weird, because I don't want you as bad
You have been the only man to approach me correctly
which excited me
I felt like someone finally has sense
It immediately made me feel comfortable
and I'm still not sure if I want you
I think I feel like I should want you
I definitely don't want to look around realize I'm the old lonely dude at the bar
I'm afraid of being that guy
so much so it makes me want to be completely enthrotled with you
but I don't get that feeling
I don't feel extremely excited
I get anxious because you are the first man I've officially talked to
but I don't get overwhelmed
I'm not sure if the feeling even exist
I sure hope it does
I don't want to date you just because you can occupy some time
I shoulf desire you here
I'm just not sure

*random thought floating through my head about him. I hope it makes sense. I have to run to work.*

Love, really?

I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.

I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.

Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."

It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.

Playing~Nothing-Brandy

Commitment????

After being all excited and feeling like I spoke him into my life I'm faced with reality. Yeah, it's been less than two weeks and the infatuation is over. It's such ashame, is it not? I'm wondering if I'm committing self-sabotage. Am I purposely finding flaws to make him less significant? Probably. Does his pace scare me? DEFINITELY! He wants to meet my mother. Are you kidding? I vaguely remember how he looks (he's been out of town on business). I remember not being blown away (he was alright). He had to be decent if I gave him my number, right? Do I see a power struggle coming my way? Most definitely! Whenever I feel like I'm losing my independence I will push back real hard. I don't need a dad. He is ready for a life long commitment I can tell by our conversation. I thought I was ready for something real, but am I really? I DON'T KNOW! I'm full of crap! All this talk about finding something real. I have great potential in front of me and now I'm getting scared. I need my a** kicked. He's too old for me, I think. See there goes another excuse...sigh. How do I go from wanting this experience and this man to questioning everything. Am I afraid of love or the potential of this situation? He's coming with his stuff together that's for sure. Whatever...I'm going to make a conscious effort not to kill this experience. Even though, I'm already poking holes in the foundation.

Random thoughts on getting to know him

• He excites me!
• His confidence is so HOT!
• His approach was so smooth
  
• aahhmm...you're too smooth. I'm being extra attentive to our conversations, because I'm waiting on the bullsh*t.
• So far, your staying in the clear
• I'm teaching you patience. (In general you move fast. I don't plan on dying anytime soon. Trust, you have my attention)
  
• You don't like that!
  
• You try to hide it, but I can tell you are use to setting the pace and someone following
• I'm not that guy...sorry! Heck, I'm use to setting the pace
  
• I do feel the need to oblige, but I think it's better for me to stay true to myself.
  
• We've had a slight yes moment. It was diffused before it could really occur
• I'm waiting on you to get over it.
  
• You're going to act like you weren't aggravated by it, but I know you were.
  
• I want to really talk about it.
  
• I hope you do too
• I like to gain understanding
• This will help us determine each other parameters
  
• You have to let patience have its perfect work
• Trust, you will want for nothing

Playing~"Jockin' Jay z"-Jay z (this makes me get real cocky)

What am I afraid of?

I'm brought to this question when the topic of love comes up. I wrote about this months ago. I read something on another blogger's page and it caused me to question him. I really was questioning myself. I love reading you guys! Sometimes you guys stir something up...thanks! Are we really ready for love? If so, why the self sabotage (dismissive, disengaged, etc)? I voiced my fear. What's yours

How many know what love is?

Playing~"Was it worth it"-Keyshia Cole

People use the word love so freely. It has lost its true essence. Love goes beyond the butterflies you feel in your stomach and the random thoughts that run through your head all day. Love is a choice. People are confusing liking someone and loving some. I’m so sick of hearing about it. How do you love someone and keep someone on the side the whole time. Love influences your decisions to better your relationship. You choose to not sneak, tip, and creep because you love someone. Thus, you don’t make conscious and repetitive decisions that will endanger your relationship. If you ever want to see how much you love someone examine the decision you make that directly affects them. I believe love and commitment go hand in hand. However, I don’t believe they are equally balanced all the time. Some people may not feel all these beautiful feelings, but they are committed to the person they are with and they make a decision to honor that commitment. Feeling change, but love surpass how you feel.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I Cor. 13v.4-8

Truthfully

The truth is I’m a little gloomy and mad. My love life has been less than lack luster. Hell, it’s non-existent, which makes me feel kinda sad. You begin to wonder, am I going to be alone? I haven't had a substantial relationship and I've been here almost a quarter of a century. Everyone needs to feel that type of security/validation from time to time. It’s more than someone giving you a passing compliment. Someone feeling you’re intriguing enough to invest time in you. Someone spending their time with you is more important than anything. Time is something you can never regain, so for someone to invest a priceless commodity in you is the greatest compliment. I’m mad, because I’m the shit and I’m not getting any play. Sounds cocky, but that’s how I feel.

Now, let me take ownership of the lack of activity in my love life (I hear my roomie shouting your single because you want to be). I don’t know if I’m ready. Am I seriously ready to have my first male-to-male relationship? In real time, I don’t give men permission to approach me in a sexual neutral place (i.e. the mall, grocery store). I do this half of the time subconsciously. Then, there is this struggle with religion and sexuality. No, I’m not one of those church bois (God hates me b/c I’m gay). I’m going to break up with you every other week. I like to challenge those types, but I can’t deny how that part of my life influences not only this portion of my life, but my life in general. I absolutely refuse to talk to any women now. I wouldn’t take a woman to any of this, so I’m just stuck in the middle of nothingness.

Frustrated

My girl, Jill says it best on “I wanna be loved”

Sidenote: I think I’ve lost another associate because of me not giving it up. I guess I should have known they rolled in the same circle. Now I have like two associates here and my roomie…this is some crap! Speaking of roomie...that's another post, but you guys know he was on a time line.

Had to get it off my chest

Playing~"Can't let got"-Anthony Hamilton
Today, was one of those days. You know, when you feel like you need some companionship. Some good conversation, great vibes, and compatibility. *sighs* Not to be cocky, but I got my stuff together. I have a job (w/ benefits, 401K, etc), my own place (no roommates), educated (college graduate), my own car (paid for), and I'm at the very least semi-attractive (who am I kidding..I'm HOT!).

Playing~"I'm not that type"-Fantasia

My friends say, I really don't want to date, because usually if I want something I make it happen. I don't know if I agree with them, but I do know, I could put myself out there more. I rarely go places and I'm usually on the phone when I do go out. Matter of fact, that happen tonight. I was in Wal-mart. This person (guy) kept checking for me, but I was busy talking to my friend. He came to my aisle like 3 times and I got the feeling he was checking to see if I was off the phone yet, because he never brought anything on that aisle. He original was passing the aisle I was on, but decided to view something on my aisle. We spoke and he kept it moving. Then, he came back to the asile and just look down the aisle and not at the merchandise. I was the only person ont he aisle. HHMMM...maybe I am blocking myself self-consciously. The sexuality thing is an issue. Finding both attractive makes me not want to go with either, because I don't want to confuse anyone and I will not be a DL person...that's just too much going on. Okay, I'm moving on! I'm realize this blog is turning into my coming out process.

Playing~"I find it hard to say (rebel)"-Lauryn Hill