Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Faith vs. Flesh

"Won't go home without you"-Maroon 5

Trying to mediate your spiritual beliefs and your reality is a challenge we all face. We struggle to give thanks when it appears there is nothing to give thanks for. We struggle to deny ourselves to please a God we’ve never seen. If you don’t…tell me the secret, please!!!! A blogger asked me about my views on homosexuality, because it appeared that I had this strict religious background. I think over the past few months my views have changed quite a bit. Moving here seemed to expedite my point of view on God and Homosexuality. Years ago, I felt it was the worst curse you could receive from God. It’s one thing to deny yourself the things of this world, but it’s another thing for you to deny a piece of you. Since I can recall I’ve had something for boys. I didn’t understand what it was, but I knew it made me different. For a few years, I thought I was “delivered” from it. During those years I can only recalled a few isolated incidents when I felt that thing for boys. I definitely believe in the scripture “according to your faith be it unto you” and at that time I believed I was delivered, so I was. However, I think I always knew it was there. I think I just had starved it so much it was never in the fore front.

Now, I feel like it’s nothing I decided and trust I wouldn’t have chosen this. I’m at peace with it. My spirit is not contrite about the issue anymore. Yes, somedays I have moments of sadness regarding my sexuality and a part of me still feels like me getting my life right means getting rid of boys. I think that’s why I’m not out when it comes to my sexuality. I don’t go to “gay” events and I’m not very responsive when men give me a little extra attention (hhmm..maybe this is why I’m single). There is always that thought of if I ever married a women how would I explain this to her or I wouldn’t want someone to think I’m a hypocrite for talking to men and claiming to love God. Whether me feeling comfortable with me being with men is right or wrong I don’t know. I just know this is where I am and my life the way it is.

Playing~Better that we break"-Maroon 5

Monday, May 28, 2007

What does a brother do?

Playing in the atmosphere~"Color Purple"

What does a brother need to do to get a date? My God! This area is a major challenge for me. I know how to flirt and approach women, but men...not so much. I have a fear of reject, but there are like fifty other questions that flood your mind. For example, are they, are they not/are they out?/If they aren't how will they respond to my conversation/how do I know they are attracted to me/how do I start the conversation/etc. They always look, but rarely do they speak. I've been told I don't give permission for them to approach me. I'm going to get a shirt made "Don't Eye Me, Try Me" Is anyone facing the same challenge?

Rahbi was real cool, but he definitely teased us. The Jazz festival has been quite the treat! I really enjoyed the few hours I spent there. Anyway, the dating thing was on my mind, so I thought I would drop a note here and get a feel of the what everyone else is experiencing.

Hello to my friend who found this blog. Darn, you find everything

Sunday, May 20, 2007

complex simplicity

Oh what a mess I've created. Plan B and I have taken a turn for the worse. Things went way further than they should have (everything is still intact...I dididn't let it go that far, but I let it..). I'm realizing his frustration with me. He can't express his like towards me. For example, he acts like he supports me talking to boys, but omg if my phone rings late night or something like that. “What nigga is calling you this late?” Then, he turns it around when he realize he sounds jealous and says something like “it’s about time you talk to someone.” When he ask me sexual question I try to play innocent or keep things in the friend lane. He blows up (I mean really goes off. I have to excuse myself off the phone to save his feelings)! I feel weird because I want to give him what he wants, but not if he wants more than my friendship. If he would just come out and say what he wants from me that would help out immensely. I've decided, I'm going to ask him. I’m starting to feel like he is really not worth the effort. He is a cool person and enjoy him when this attraction thing is not an issue. Plus, I recently found out his friend is an associate of mine (nothing serious we hang out in a group, but I don't know him really…but still).

Does anyone plan on seeing Rahbi this weekend? He is going to be at Sugar Hill. I'll be there for sure! I'm sure everyone is having visitors from out of town this coming I didn't realize why one of my friends always wanted to come and visit during those 3 day weekends. I thought he was coming to catch up with me, but I quickly realize why and that I was just a place to crash.

I have been vibing on Jill Scott (the experience…put it in your rotation again). Oh, Erykah is my help as well.

Women are filthy! They talk about men so badly…I was shocked. I had no I deal they talked about sex and rated guys they way that they do. It’s awful

Friday, May 18, 2007

She's Back...kind of

For those who have been waiting on something from Ms. Hill here ya go.

I think she is headed in the right direction!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Phrase "just put it in your mouth" has taken on a new meaning. That's all I have to say

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Just a little something something

  • I've decided, I'm going to be available for talking, dating, going to the movies, whatever happens...let's see how this goes.
  • I'm also very sick of Plan B thinking that I'm lonely or that something is wrong with me because I don't feel the need to date. On top of that, STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME DRINK! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S WINE!
  • Speaking of Plan B, the whole he likes, but he has a "friend" thing is so tired. We will always be great friends though!
  • It's so sad to see ppl not enjoy your success, but it's makes eating the table of food prepared for you in the presence of your enemies a little This is in reference to my job...I'm dealing with the "mean girls" at my job. It's always odd when you replace someone and they still work at the same place.
  • My spending is out of control's funny how that crap sneaks up on yeah...huh? Let me clarify, I've been paying bills in lump sums.
  • It's such a reality check when you find out you are your worse enemy.
  • I want to move out of my current apartment, but I need to find another one that is in my price range with a washer and dryer provided. Ahhmm did some research and that was another reality check. I'm getting a little too many of those
  • Anybody know of some good events coming up for this weekend and the following weekend?
  • I think Bobby Brown is of the mind set of "I aint with that gay shit"

Thursday, May 10, 2007


You know, it's strange, we sacrifice all of who we are to become everything we think we are suppose to be.

We do shit for lovers, family, and friends that we would never do. We act all out of character. Doing all types of shit so that we can say we are loved/accepted. We convince ourselves that we love it, because they love everything we have become.

Silently, we abhor the person we've become. However, we convince ourselves that the only way we can achieve love is to contradict the person we once were. After it is all said and done, we are stuck trying to find the balance between compromise and self sacrifice.

"Be what you are, and say what you feel, because those who care don't matter, and those that matter don't care." --Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel)"

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Pop culture

Watching the news is sad, but I love me some pop culture.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Like this

Playing in the atmosphere-"you should have know better~Monica

So, this weekend I went to my first party in the A. I was thoroughly surprise to find out that this was an all boy party (my first). One, the guy who invited us to the party is straight (supposedly). Two, one friend (Plan B) is big on discretion (supposedly). They drove me to the party and some kinda way left that out. We came pretty early, so I didn't pay much attention to the crowd. However, my first clue came when "Don't cha" came on. I leaned over to my friend and told him "I didn't expect to hear that at this party". We were in the hood, so I was kinda caught off guard. My friend still didn't say what type of party this was. Then, we went to pick someone up and that's when it hit me. Hey, this party is for boys to meet boys. Well, my friend didn't tell me because he knew I would not have been in attendance. He's really trying to make me do some of everything. Plan B declares I haven't experienced anything. I believe in doing things at my own pace. Anyway, I had some observation about the party, which were intriguing. The party was lame by the way. The music killed

  1. What is up with the music? How are you suppose to dance to hard core rap? Give me something uptempo, so I can get it poppin'. I did what I could with the music that was provided. I just kept my mean two step game. I was so over it by the 2nd hour. Sidenote: Beyonce makes people move...get me bodied.
  2. Are people suppose to dance together? VERY few people actually danced with a person.
  3. Do guys every talk to you? Some people just look at you all night, but never speak. What is that about?
  4. What do you think about the folks in drag (I'm referring to the homothugs)?
  5. Is it the usual for guys to just stand and watch the whole night? I mean, did you come to just stand with your friends the whole night and talk about people?
Playing-"Believe"~Raheem Devaugh

Thursday, May 03, 2007

What's up bloggers?

Playing~"Private Party"-India Arie

I'm good!!! I hope you all are doing well. Nothing special is happening over here, but here it is:
  • I went into my first sex shop. (gasp) I only went in to get my friends out!
  • What's up with people thinking anything outside of penetration is not cheating on their significant other. Pump the brakes...please stop talking to me about sex.
  • I will not be at John Legend's concert....I'm missing it again. I knew I should not have waited on people.
  • I never knew why people made it seem like Atlanta was so gay. Well, one trip to Lenox Mall on the right day help me understand why.
  • If you are okay being single and you are honestly content, why do people think something is wrong with you?
  • Why do people try to make you question yourself when they have the issue with something you do and you're okay with it.