What about your friends?

While I'm sitting in the window listening to the US Marshalls question my friend I'm truly amazed at what people can do when you let them into your world. I knew something was up with this dude after the second time we hung out. However, he was my friend's really good friend, so I decided to override my hesitation. I decided to just keep my guards up. Everything is cool. Everywhere we go people know him (he had a pretty good porn career(?)). He's crazy, keeps you laughing and is free hearted. Time goes on and my friend makes a comment about the guy and I let all of my opinions flow. Long story short this negro is a stunt queen! He has warrants everywhere. To varying degree all of us have been affected by his craziness. You have to be so careful about who you allow in your world. Thankfully I kept him at a distance, so I didn't get effect directly. If so, I would have tore that @** out of the frame (we almost came to blows at Sizzle). The good thing about me and my crew we always get the last laugh. Pose for the camera *click* *click* .

Church boy

These confused church boys are a mess! I promise to never entertain them again. Gotta run for work, but I had to type this...sigh.

I'm just venting

Playing~"Someday"-Ledisi

I've been in such a good space. Everything is on one accord, but yesterday my love life bubbled up. My lack of a love life didn't kill my mood, but it definitely put me in a reflective mood. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let someone love me. I'm so dismissive. Then, I look at all of the bullshit around me and I think I'm better off than the people who are dating/ in love. They have to go through so many different things (cheating, lying, compromising more than they desire, fighting, the uncertainties of the other person feelings towards them, etc). Hell, some of them are just tolerating the person and seeing how things play out. The person is available and they find them attractive. I guess that's what dating is all about, but you guys know I'm waiting for a magical feeling. I want to be intrigued by them. I don't want to just tolerate someone.

My friends who have been together on and off for almost 11 years broke up. Life circumstances and growth lead one person to make the decision. From the outside you wouldn't know they broke up. They plan on distancing themselves for each more once their business together is done. 11 years and we are done?! Both are devastated, but one is managing much better. He is embracing the change.

I asked one of my friends when was the last time he let someone love him? His answer was 17 years! OMG! He decided to be successful and focus on love later. His career came first. Dating was something he really didn't have time for. Granted, he is shy of 40 and he is pretty much retired. He doesn't have to report to anyone's job. He thinks I have potential to end up like him, so he pushes me to go out and be "adventurous" . "It doesn't get any easier when you're older." He also thinks I'm going to get married to a woman. This is not the first time I've heard this. A few people have told me that I will not last long in this lifestyle.

Another friend can pull just about anyone. He still ends up with nothing of substance (maybe a good nut and a week or two of dates). Then, the person disappears or something along those lines. I feel sorry for him. He shared a piece of himself with someone who could give a d*mn. I mean....sex is a big deal to me. I talk big, but nothing is going on until I feel like if you left the next day I wouldn't feel cheap or cheated.

I just don't know. Anyway, this was me venting whatever

Playing~"Best Friend"-Ledisi

I just want to be....

Have you ever felt the need to let out a good cry, but u didn't have a specific reason to cry?

I don't want to wear my superman cape tonight. I don't want to think about: getting people raises, meeting this unfair goal, hearing complaints, analyzing my interview last week, why I'm hard on myself, when am I going to find something real, how I completely missed the boat on preparing myself for graduate school, and how I'm going to manifest all the desires I have.

sigh

ugh....fish and the vicious cycle

Playing~"just a touch"-Estelle

What's up with all the attitude towards fem boys? Slick is one of my best friends and I love him to death, but there have been a few times when I've seen him flat out dissed, because he is fem. Now, I will admit sometimes he does a lot and it can be overwhelming (even for me). Yes, I have laughed at him, because he was doing way too much. However, I wouldn't say things like "stay away from the fish". When I heard someone say that I was hurt and they weren't addressing me. A lot of people do give me too much, but I never verbally attack them. Where is all of this disdain coming from? I do believe you are a boy/man, so don't try to be a woman (I'm certain I'm going to get some heat for that). However, I feel like you should do you. Whatever that is

We were out at a concert a few nights ago. When the concert was over I wanted to stay for the after party. I felt like dancing. Anyway, he just refuses to dance with the girls, so he sits there legs crossed and back straight completely disconnected from everything that's happening (he was definitely giving them lady). A group of guys who just so happen to be gay found this to be hilarious. He didn't notice them at all, so everything was cool. What amused me the most was a club full of people who are presumably straight didn't make a spectacle of him, but people who are like him did. Slick is no victim, he can spit out venom towards the fem boys too, but most of the time he enjoys and compliments them. I guess it's just a vicious cycle. His mood was so draining we ended up at bulldogs, because I was determine to dance. Again, what's up with the attitude towards the fem boys? Even the fem boys don't like other fem boys.

I give up!

The situation:
I'll admit it....I'm confused by male on male interaction. I don't get it. This pass weekend I went to gay club(s) for the first time. Both times I felt like I missed something. A lot of people don't dance! aahhmm...why are you here if you aren't going to dance? If they do dance, they dance with their friends. Most guys will not approach you. However, they will look at you all night (WTF?). Only the ones you don't want to approach or dance with have the boldness to do either and they try to molest you. Actually, the first night of clubbing wasn't that bad. We were there for like 1 and a half. The club was balanced, I could have worked that given more time. They closed at 3. The second night was an absolute mess! Traxx is definitely the worst s**t ever! It's too big, the crowd too young and too hood. I was overwhelmed my first 20-30 mins. there. I've never seen anything like it and I've been to some hood joints. We got in around 12am. It didn't get thick until 1:40am, but by then we were focused on seeing fantasia who didn't come out until like 3 something. After the performance you realized the crowd had changed drastically. I guess the mature and fine people waited until late to come, because my lawd. They were fine!!!! Those DC, VA, Maryland brothers were so on point last night...sigh. However, I was over it by then. I just wanted to go home.

My rant
For the second time, I don't get this sh*t! How in the H E double L did I not get a f*cking number or something. I was cute all f**kin' weekend! If I could get a freakin' picture on a website I'll add it on here, so I can prove my freakin' point. I may not be your type, but I'm far from anyone's opinion of ugly. Obviously, the club is not for me!

My resolve
If I like someone I'm going to approach them from this point on. If not, I'll just end up frustrated like I am now. Gettingmyselftogether gave some good advice via blog. Thanks for the feedback via the phone also. I was bit concerned for a minute. These men almost messed with my self-esteem. I'm still frustrated, but hearing something from someone with experience puts things in prospective. There is a free party tonight...I'm passing. Slick (ex-roommate is a little disappointed). I have some ABC to catch up on. I know they will not boost or lower my self-esteem. Yeah, I'm being a bit dramatic.

where do I go from here?

Playing~Confessions of a broken heart"-Lindsay Lohan

I'm in this weird place. I'm too far to turn around, but I have no ideal where I'm going. While trying to remedy my situation I went through my list:

college diploma (check)
decent paying job (check...finally)
great friends (check...they may not be in my current city, but they're very present in my life)
money in the bank (check)
decent place to stay (check)
own method of transporation (check)
healthy (check)
social life (check)
spiritual life (check..not in the best shape, but still intact)
relationship (no check here, but that's not it)

Something is missing and I don't know what it is. I'm not hurting for anything, but I have this weary feeling. I was having the worst case of ennui. Everyone was so concern, because I'm the upbeat person who gets everyone else going and my pensive disposition is happening too often. I didn't know how to vocalize it at the time, but it was just an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction. I don't know exactly how to overcome it, but I have to overcome this feeling of discontentment. I haven't been standing by do nothing. I've been racking my brain trying to cure my aliment. I definitely need a new job. I'm just spinning my wheels at my current one. Even with the promotion and the money...it's just too repetitive and mindless. I was working on that today, which was no easy task. Also, I need to go back to school. I contacted one of my college mentors today to get advice on what I need to do. Those are some moves I'm made to remedy the situation. Hopefully, these things will bring about some satisfaction. Has anyone had the something is missing feeling? What did you do about it?

Playing~"If I was a bird"-Floetry

Truthfully

The truth is I’m a little gloomy and mad. My love life has been less than lack luster. Hell, it’s non-existent, which makes me feel kinda sad. You begin to wonder, am I going to be alone? I haven't had a substantial relationship and I've been here almost a quarter of a century. Everyone needs to feel that type of security/validation from time to time. It’s more than someone giving you a passing compliment. Someone feeling you’re intriguing enough to invest time in you. Someone spending their time with you is more important than anything. Time is something you can never regain, so for someone to invest a priceless commodity in you is the greatest compliment. I’m mad, because I’m the shit and I’m not getting any play. Sounds cocky, but that’s how I feel.

Now, let me take ownership of the lack of activity in my love life (I hear my roomie shouting your single because you want to be). I don’t know if I’m ready. Am I seriously ready to have my first male-to-male relationship? In real time, I don’t give men permission to approach me in a sexual neutral place (i.e. the mall, grocery store). I do this half of the time subconsciously. Then, there is this struggle with religion and sexuality. No, I’m not one of those church bois (God hates me b/c I’m gay). I’m going to break up with you every other week. I like to challenge those types, but I can’t deny how that part of my life influences not only this portion of my life, but my life in general. I absolutely refuse to talk to any women now. I wouldn’t take a woman to any of this, so I’m just stuck in the middle of nothingness.

Frustrated

My girl, Jill says it best on “I wanna be loved”

Sidenote: I think I’ve lost another associate because of me not giving it up. I guess I should have known they rolled in the same circle. Now I have like two associates here and my roomie…this is some crap! Speaking of roomie...that's another post, but you guys know he was on a time line.

What's up with that d*ck?

Playing~"Just Mary"-Mary J. Blige

You know, I'm sick of f*cking. Well, not actually doing it, but the pursuit of it. I haven't even done it yet and I'm over it. Stop asking me about it...NO, NO, NO. It will not work!!! I can't be your friend and f*ck you too. I need to keep the few friends I've met up here. I don't understand what door I've open up, but I need to close it. Starting last month(September) I've been hit with crazy propositions and I'm over it! I can't get a decent conversation, but people can talk and text me about my chico stick. Maybe, I'm old fashion, but I just can't do the random sex thing. I wish I could, but somehow I always end up feeling cheap. After my two minor sexual encounters with the boys I felt some kinda way about it. Does anyone want to date anymore? Jesus.

Wishing to be an A sexual,

Life

Playing~"addicted"-Amy Winehouse

IT'S YOUR FAULT!!!!

Playing~"Is she the reason"-Destiny's Child

I'm so sick of people playing victim. People place blame on everyone and everything, but themselves. Yes, things and people influence our decisions, but YOU MAKE THE DECISION. Stop freakin' complaining when you decided to do something and it didn't work out the way you wanted it to work out. Man the bleep up. Stop having these pity parties. Pull yourself up, encourage yourself, evaluation your life circumstances, and make different choices. We all have our moments, but darn. It's your life-run it!

What's going on?!

My mission for this weekend failed. I didn’t meet anyone on the romantic tip. There is definitely something wrong with this city. THERE IS A MAJOR PROBLEM! I can’t get a date. This is unbelievable. To put it plain and simple I’m a bad a** motherfucker. I have my own shit. I’m not interested in hold or borrowing any of yours. I do not need some one to come and complete me or rescue me for that matter. I’m quite assured all by myself. However, you should compliment me. Challenge me for Christ sake! I’m not interested in being your lady. I want to be your man. I can carry a conversation and most likely have something intelligent to say. I’m sensitive to your feeling and insightful enough to make sure your feelings don’t become stumble blocks to fulfilling your vision. I’ve held out to ensure that nobody can lay claim to this body, but I’m sure after things go down you’ll feel like a champ. I can roll a blunt with the best; however, I don’t smoke. I’ll support when you’re right and I’ll correct you when you’re wrong no matter how passionate you are about a subject, because I care too much to allow you raise hell in error. I can hold my own in the street, classroom, and at work. At 3:36 am in the morning, I’m sitting here trying to figure out why in the hell am I single? I encompass all of this and I’m cute. I’m sure someone is reading this and saying that they can do all of this things, but I know everything I wrote on this page is true. I’m every real nigga’s dream ( I know I shouldn’t use that word, but I’m ranting) and I’m still single. Usually I don't trip on this single thing, but I'm starting to realize I'm getting older and I have yet to have a serious relationship. It concers me

Where is the progress (vent)?

Playing~"Is she the reason"-Destiny's Child

At 2:50am, I feel empty. I feel closed in...trapped even. I have a promising career, but I hate the job, but I'm definitely earning the title of "Golden Boy" in the company. However, I feel underpaid and over worked. I swear my job is full of delayed potential. I want things to materialize NOW! I need to feel like my hardwork for the pass year means something. I guess, I should be satisfied with my two promotions, but they were all vertical moves in the position I hate, so that didn't do much for me. I can't wait until next year when I'm promoted to the job I really want. For Christ sake, I need more money. I feel broke and I'm nowhere near it, but I just don't have the discretionary income I desire to have. I'm a saveaholic

I'm disappointed in my social interaction here. I have nothing that makes this place home. I'm not connected to anything here. I need to involve myself in something. I'm not even going to delve into my need to for some intimacy. Damn my friends for not being available! They're great at giving me a reality check. They let me know I'm trending just fine and I should keep my expectation of myself reasonable. It's times like this that I can't find contentment anywhere nor in any words. I have to come to a resolve within myself. I'm a strong believer in creating your own experiencing and I feel constrained. Whew, I feel a little better now. I feel a need to read. Do you know of any good books? I need to pray and read or something...oh I'm in a funky mood. Trying to make sense of everything...finding my truth on this journey

Discontented

Playing~"When the battle is over"-Benita Washington (this heffa sings her butt off)

You know usually I don't do this!

You know, I don't cuss, but this is that bullshit! I am beyond amazed that I can't find a decent motherfucking job. I had a job interview today and for some reason I wasn't that excited (everyone knows I want to leave my current job). I felt like this job just might be that bullshit. Why? Why?! Did I leave the interview still trying to figure out what I would be doing exactly. I asked straight forward question and I received fuzzy answers. I knew when I left not to follow up with that shit. They want a second interview and I'm not interested. Hell, I can stick with what I have...aarrgghh. Such a wast of fucking time!!! Speaking of my job, do you know this girl lied her ass off on me. I didn't even entertain HR when they brought that dumb shit up to me. I just looked at them like think about what you are saying and who you are talking to and come back to me later. I'm about to be promoted again.

On to another note...fuck all of these triflin ass men. Do you know someone had the nerve to contact me to see if we could hang out or something when their wife is out of town. Is that not rude as hell. Sidenote: She has to be blind as hell to not know he is gay (I don't feel like the correlation with being a little feminine and being gay is as strong as people think, but he is gay). I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if this motherfucker tries me. I'm going off! His frat. brother hinted that this motherfucker is foolin' around. However, I'm trying not to assume anything about this person, but rely on my previous experiences which were nothing notable. I'm will not to be surprised or unprepared if some messy shit arises.

*exhales* I feel better already. I couldn't curse verbal, so I had to write it down. I'm just over it today. I'm going to read a book or something and chill out. I can't even hook up with my new friend. He's out of town. Oh, we had "the conversation" (past relationships, sex, pet peeves, etc). It was quite revealing