Thursday, February 28, 2008

It should all be so simple

Playing in the background~"Stay (live)"-Erykah Badu

So, I struggle with relationships ( aaahhmm..I don't like the word struggle. Let's say I have an opportunity in the relationship department. Most of the time I kill them before they start. My friends call it self-sabotage (it's one of my defense mechanism per their words). I rarely give relationships a chance to flourish. One of two things happen, the first appearance of BS I'm counting my losses (w/ the exception of Plan am I doing?). Why invest the time to confirmed what you knew in the beginning? My other vice is the lack of nourishment. This can be from the initial greeting or the lack of consistency in communication. Maybe, I'm living in lala land and my expectation is unrealistic. I want us to desire each other from the very beginning. There should be something that instantly intrigues you about your prospect, right? Am I living in fantasy? Maybe I'm just too functional. What vices do you have that kill your relationship?

Playing in the background~"Danger"-Erykah Badu

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Random Why's (b/c I'm bored and I have questions)

In the background~ "State of the Black Union" and Jill Scott "Whenever your around"

  • Doing Your taxes will make you cry. They take $xxxx from you and they give you back $x. WTF! I'm thinking about re-doing mine all over again to audit myself.
  • Why waste your time sending a "sup" text? Are you kidding?
  • What is the obsession with big d**cks?! I've experienced myself and I still don't get.
  • Several friends of mine took a celibacy pact. Those whores have abandon me!
  • Why are you a freak if your in twenties and your still waiting?
  • Why can't I find some people who likes to go out and dance?
  • Why have I been feeling extremely sexual lately?
  • Why am I so confused about leaving a job that I tolerate (mostly) and Graduate School? Neither one of them clearly outweighs the other....jeez!
  • Why is it when you go to a mentor for an answer they provide you with more questions? I guess the answers really are in you.
Let me go back to reading Being A Black Man by The Washington Post Staff

This is an intense feeling

Playing~"Whatever"-Jill Scott

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I've been having these extremely intense sexual feelings. It's more than being horny. The energy is so passionate, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Lord, this is a bit much...whew! Nobody can serve up sex better than these ladies.

Pray my strength in the

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Good/Bad Habits

Playing~"Hurt Again"-Mary J. Blige

Habits, we all have them be it good or bad. Habits are actions we repeatedly do and by doing them we achieve some degree of satisfaction. Some habits we publicly admit to and others we quietly indulge in, but nonetheless they are factors in our day to day life. The difficulty in breaking a habit is admitting that it brings a certain amount of pleasure (no matter how bad you think the habit is) and it's not just a casual behavior. I feel that habits are one step away from being addicted to something, so when I see myself developing a bad habit I try to pull back immediately. You know I can't have a lost of control.

I don't know if you guys recall my "all things sexual" fast. Well, that was a result of me feeling like I was developing a habit (plus, I had some spiritual things going on). My fast lasted for a month. Another issue is my frivolous spending. You will not believe how much money I spend on eating out. Dinning is my biggest opportunity in my budget. Clothes are a challenge, but food typically beats out how much I spend on clothes.

I'm posting because I feel like I'm regressing in both areas. You bloggers are getting me in trouble! You have to blame someone, right. Surely, I'm not the Whew some of y'all have these websites in your links section. LAWD, these little sites, which lead to other websites can occupy two hours of your day easy. Don't act like I'm a freak. You guys are the one who have the links. I get my spending under control for about a month and then I slowly begin to buy things here and there and then I'm like did I really go $100-$150 over my budget. Granted, I'm under budget in other areas, so it typically balances out. Does anyone see any negative habits forming in your life that seems to reoccurring?

Playing~"Rescue Me"-Teedra M

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Darian's DL Chronicles Discussion

Playing~"Happy Being Me"-Angie Stone

I had the pleasure of attending Darian's Discussion on Saturday. Before I talk about the discussion and how enjoyable it was I want to talk about Darian. I'm no authority on anything Darian, but I do know a genuine person when I meet one. I've only spoke with him twice via e-mail and all of one minute in person, but in those few interactions I could tell two things. One, he will get you together if you come incorrectly. Two, he is very passionate about the community and what his ideals, thoughts, voice can do for it. Nowadays with everyone claiming to be an activist the line of activist and someone who wants to be famous is blurred. There is no reconditeness when it comes to Darian. He is an activist. I think he understands to be heard by the masses you need popularity, but popularity is not what he is looking for. I appreciate that!

Once again, I've experienced a first. This was my first time gathering with SGL Men outside of a club setting (I've only been to two clubs), which was exciting, but I was anxious. Slick was suppose to be at my house, but he over slept and I refused to sacrifice this event for him. He was waking up as I was heading to my house to change out of my work clothes. I was in a dilemma. Should I wait for Slick and get there like 8:30-8:45 or get there without a buffer and enjoy the whole event. I decided to go alone and let him join me later (he never made it). I completely missed the social part of the event ( I figured that), but I made it with time to spare for the screening and the discussion, which was the important part. The irony of this event was my attendance to an event about men on the DL and a mini-series surrounding the topic. I was surrounded by individuals who appeared to be so open about their sexuality and I'm just getting started on my journey. For the pass year, I've been an enigma of sorts. My lack of confirmation or denial keeps my workplace whispering. However, I've never been on the DL. I've never had anything to be on the low about. I really don't have much of a story when it comes to male on male interaction. Okay, back to the discussion. After watching two episodes the panel took over. j. brotherlove was the moderator (there is something about him that makes him fly) and the panel consisted of James Earl Hardy (B Boy Blues), Tim’m West (rapper, activist, spoken word artist), Eric Ware (The Down Low Diaries), Anthony McWilliams (Atlanta Activist), and Anare Holmes (In The Life Atlanta, Clik Magazine). They touched on several things that were noteworthy, but two things left me with something to think about (I'm going to paraphrase to the best of my ability):

As gay men we have learned to lie so much we have to learn how to tell the truth. Anthony McWilliams (he spoke volumes with that one)

So many people are talking about how hard it is to find a man in Atlanta, because everyone sleeps around, but the ones who are complaining aren't even out. Tim'm West (He turned the mirror on me with that one)

Another big part of the discussion was how we don't support artist who represent us and are great at what they do. Also, how we need to define ourselves and stop looking for heterosexual people to define who and what we are. I was having the discussion with a friend almost a year ago. He was like I don't want people to know because of stereotypes. I was like they exist because people like you and I aren't visible. They also talked about the fearing of losing something when it comes to coming out, which is another thing I talked about indirectly here. It was affirming to attend this event. The DL Chronicles is a great DVD and Darian did a great job by getting a diverse group of individuals together.

Playing~"She's not you"-Raheem Davaughn

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Playing~"Not About Us"-Bishop Noel Jones Choir

I recently noticed how much ambition we have when we are trying to find the "one". Heck, someone who is worth dating. We spend so much time, energy, and money making sure we are suitable candidates. We meet someone things don't work out and we start all over again. I begin to evaluate myself and the little amount of time, energy, and money I've been spending with God. I'm definitely not negating how important it is for us to love and be loved in a romantic way. They provide a tangible return relatively quickly and we don't always experience that with our relationship with God. I just find it interesting how more often than not our spiritual side has the tendency to be exercised when it's convenient. Where ever a man invest his time, energy, and money that's where you'll find his heart.....just a thought I've been chewing on.

This is a cute video of Karen Clark Sheard on Youtube

I believe!

I recently decided who I was going for in the Presidential race. I'm so proud of Obama's performance on yesterday! I truly believe we can!

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Mr./Ms. Do right

Playing~"I need you"-Alicia Keys

We all have Mr/Ms. soulmate. The person who we thought was the one. Going by our dating history they still seem to be the best fit. They understood all of our ill idiosyncrasies or at least accepted them. Thoughts of time spent with them still brings a smile to our face. From time to time we wonder why our relationship didn't stand the test of time. Was it bad timing? Distance? A few of us have been given the opportunity to date the person again. We soon found out why we broke up with them in the first place. We forgot about their funky attitude and indecisiveness. In spite of all of that, they still hold a special place in our hearts. What have you done with your person?

Playing~"Wreckless Love"-Alicia Keys