Yet another Dear John

Playing~"Drained"-Latoya Luckett (this song came on and it's fits the post...oh the irony)

I remember thinking, "did I speak this man into my life". You came correct no hhiisssing, no sending your friend, no crazy comment to catch my attention, no sexual innuedo and no game. You came with questions and I provided answers. You were so sure and confident. I was beyond impressed. I later found out it took you two weeks to build up the courage to approach me (lol). You were ready to jump in the water head first. I was only ready to swirl my feet around. Unfortunately, this particular issue caused me to break things off abrutly. Uncertain of my decision, our relationship became this ball of ambiguity. You were not delighted about this lack of clearity, but you dealt with it. After all, you just wanted to keep me around. Eventually, you started receiving benefits that made it worth it. My sex game went to another level! I don't know what I was doing before, but sex became an experience! However, a year later I was still guarded and provided no terms or commitments to our future. I just couldn't let my guards down. I also had some concerns, but I knew I couldn't change them. You were so ready to please; I couldn't get you to admit to my concerns. Sadly, one night your passion for me boiled over and things quickly went left. I realized that your desire for me could put both of us in danger. I haven't spoken to you since; we both knew that night was the last night of us.

What Happen?

Playing~"my everything"-Monica

It's funny how things change in relationships/friendships. We could talk for hours, but now, we can barely make it 20 mins. Heck, I may not even get a response to a text. He would beg to come over. Even rearrange his whole schedule to be in my presence. I can't clear out enough time for him to see me now. At first, I was indifferent about his affection. Then, I start enjoying the game of it all (~a month into it). About a month later things went left. We talked and things kinda ended. Of course, everyone ask about him. I try to give a solid response, but really I don't know. Honestly, I'm asking myself what happen?

*this is a repost from earlier this year*

Quasi Relationships

Playing~"houtatlantavegas"-JoJo ft. Drake (This chick can really sing)

I'm a constant observer and I'm noticing a lot quasi relationship exist in our community. Nobody is really dating anyone. We "talk" to this one. We went on a date with that one. We chat with this one on Facebook. We "mess" with this one. We really like the other dude. If the truth be told, he is not that into us, but we're cute so he keeps us around. Unfortunately, we're doing the same thing to someone else. All this is going on and we are talking about wanting a commitment filled relationship. Do we really want commitment? Do we really understand what a committed relationship requires/looks like?

I like the ideal and the look of a committed relationship. The reality of it is kinda scary. I don't know if I'm emotionally handicap, still finding my way with dating, or scared (probably a mixture of all three). I find it difficult to get into anyone. Thus, I exert very little energy when dealing with anyone. Consequently, they probably feel the same way and the cycle just continues.

Ready for Love?

Playing~"knock you down"-Keri Hilson

I want an honest answer. Hypothetically, let's say there is a such thing as a soul mate. If you met him/her today with all of your current issues and circumstances, would you be ready to commit? Could you treat them the way they're suppose to be treated? Could you allow them to treat you the way you're suppose to be treated?

We all have our vices in relationships. Would your trust issue hinder the relationship? Would pass hurts make it difficult for them to connect with you on an intimate level? Would your sex drive ruin things? Are your spending habits, so out of control they could not see building a financial future with you? Would your mood swings confuse him/her?

Honestly, are you ready for love?

You changed me

Playing-"Nobody but Jesus"~Kelly Price/ Vanessa Bell Armstrong

Relationships have a way of changing us. Sometimes a simple interaction with a random stranger can influence our life. Romantic relationship facilitate a lot of changes in our lives.

Have you guys dated someone who brought about a change in you? Those changes can come in any form (sexually, mentally, etc) and varying degrees. Was the change a good thing or a bad thing? How does the change effect how you deal with men/women now? How did you react when he/she resurfaced in your life?

In the past two months, I've party more than I ever have(complete sidenote). I was out last night. After the club I received a text from a dude I talked to for a moment (~3 months). The text reveals that he was at the club and Watching me was very interesting. "Your swag has changed". I informed him he was the catalyst of this different swag(I haven't made any major changes. My approach to things are a little different). We continue to text and I awake to a good morning text from him. We have continued to text through out the day (I'm not putting much thought into our interaction). He's just having a moment.

What Happen?

Playing~"my everything"-Monica

It's funny how things change in relationships/friendships. We could talk for hours, but now, we can barely make it 20 mins. Heck, I may not even get a response to a text. He would beg to come over. Even rearrange his whole schedule to be in my presence. I can't clear out enough time for him to see me now. At first, I was indifferent about his affection. Then, I start enjoying the game of it all (~a month into it). About a month later things went left. We talked and things kinda ended. Of course, everyone ask about him. I try to give a solid response, but really I don't know. Honestly, I'm asking myself what happen?

Find a way to turn me on

Follow up post to this song

Sidenote: Is this not the Jazmine we all were looking for on her album? I was a little disappointed with the album.

Commitment?

I have commitment issues. It's becoming more and more obvious to me. My situation with him (we'll come him Transition) and buying a new car put the issue right in my face. When it comes down to commitment I always make the noun(s) less valuable. I choose to stick to what's comfortable for me. Please tell me someone else can relate to a degree

No agenda

Playing~"Gonna find my love"-Brandy

My friends and I are trying something different. We are taking a different approach to dating. We called it "no agenda". The concept is quite simple. Let your relationship progress naturally. We treat someone who is interested in us like we would treat a new associate. Ultimately, the ideal is for your partner to become your best-friend, right? Before we become lovers, lets become friends. Trying to do it in reverse is not working out to well.

This guy is interested in me and I'm sticking to my no agenda approach. I'm not sure if he is confused by it or just needs for things to move faster. I'm certain it's the latter. We had a conversation that went like this:

*we are in the middle of a conversation*
Him:Hold on
Me:Alright
Him: This boy keeps texting me. How do you want me to respond?
Me: {I know he is not pulling this BS} If you want to respond, respond. If you don't, then don't
Him:I don't like him
Me:{why are you telling me this} so don't respond
Him:Yeah, I haven't respond to him, but he keeps texting
Me:You have so many men. Go ahead with you bad self
Him:Nawl, I'm just trying to get one man.
Me:{sigh...he was doing so good until this BS}
Him: Hey, I have to hit you back.
Me:alright

I was so disappointed that he tried that juvenile mess. What type of new flanged sh*t is he on. I wasn't expecting something like that from a guy who is so smart. BIG made that same mistake. He was much less subtle, but that was part of the reason he is not around now. Sidenote: I think about him everyday. Anyway, I think everyone should take the "no agenda" approach. If you try it, let me know how it works out for you.

Unsure

I don't know if I really want you
You're safe for me
Your established, mature, and stable
I'm still not sure if I want you
You want me so bad
it makes me feel weird, because I don't want you as bad
You have been the only man to approach me correctly
which excited me
I felt like someone finally has sense
It immediately made me feel comfortable
and I'm still not sure if I want you
I think I feel like I should want you
I definitely don't want to look around realize I'm the old lonely dude at the bar
I'm afraid of being that guy
so much so it makes me want to be completely enthrotled with you
but I don't get that feeling
I don't feel extremely excited
I get anxious because you are the first man I've officially talked to
but I don't get overwhelmed
I'm not sure if the feeling even exist
I sure hope it does
I don't want to date you just because you can occupy some time
I shoulf desire you here
I'm just not sure

*random thought floating through my head about him. I hope it makes sense. I have to run to work.*

What now?!

Playing in the background~"Shirts & Skins"

I called it off with Big! Of course, I'm the "confused" guy. I expressed that I still want him around, but the distance wasn't going to work for me. I didn't find the distance to be fruitful for a romantic relationship. Friendship sounds good?! I hurt him, which is making me want to call him and repent. He was good! He thought we could work on it and I was running. He always thought I was running from him. I don't agree with him. He moved faster than most people I know, so I was slowing him down. I just don't know...sigh

I'm just thinking....

Is it real

Big is great! He's such a grown a** man and I love it! He wants to be everything I want. He admires everything from my bushy eyebrows to my southern slang. He finds my symmetry so attractive. Who pays that much attention?

However, I don't feel that magical feeling your suppose to feel when you are talking to someone. Actually, I haven't felt it in years (sigh...she was special). Am I capable? The question is have I allowed myself to get excited over an individual? hhhmm...I doubt it. This man is captured by a great deal of who I am and he has his sh*t together. No current or prior suitors come close to what he offers. Every time I go out he gains more points. He genuinely likes me. I think he's cool, but I don't feel sparks flying. Idunno?! We are definitely in two different places. He is ready to "marry" and I'm just getting my feet wet in the lifestyle. This time last year I had never talked to a guy on a romantic level.

What are the options? Go like most to clubs, parties, etc hoping this person pops up with a magical potion that makes me feel all warm inside. Hell, I have in my grasp on what most people are looking for. It's not like I have people beating my door down for a date

Give me your thoughts? When was the last time someone made you feel excited and anxious? Am I looking for something that may not exist? I wonder if I'm blocking myself

Update

Playing~"The 1"-Janet Jackson

I've moved from the amusement park. I missed the space already, but I'm happy to have left the most deplorable management staff. A ran into a few maintenance issues with my new places, but they are being fixed as I type. Comcast is coming to fix the mess they left. Okay, let's get to the stuff you guys came to read about (Pride, BIG, and my family visiting).

Pride was uneventful for me. I went to one club (trademark). I was underwhelmed by this experience. A lot of people, but nothing to make note of. I've had much more fun with just the atliens being in the building. I didn't tell you guys about this experience I had about a month ago. It was real hot, but I swear that negro was rollin' (on x). speaking of, people will shock you. I found out that an associate and a friend of my roll. Well, my friend decided to try it because his friend got some in the club. I was like WTF?!

He has finally been given a name...BIG. We went on a date on Friday Night. He just kept staring at me, which was kinda cute. He didn't want the date to end. However, I had friends to meet, so I was trying to keep it moving. We reconnected on Sunday. I finally saw Dark Knight. It was good, but people really hyped it up. During the movie I discovered what his name should be...lol. I was on my best behavior, but he wasn't trying to coporate. He wanted to leave the movie. I was like "ahh...no!" Anyway, we did end up back at his place, because he wanted to "talk". We didn't talk for too long. For the presumptious ones, I didn't give it up. Well, there was no penetration. Actually, I didn't have to do much at all. I was more of a buffet. I felt some kinda way about going that far (it's only been 3 weeks). I've never went that far with a dude before. I felt some of it was out of obligation. Trying to show affection and progression, but I didn't intend for it to go that far. I'm trying to make sure I don't project that on him, because I'm an adult. I'm also trying to muddle through my issues, his issues, and our issues. He is quite demanding of my time, energy, body, etc. I don't like that! Don't try to take me further than I'm ready to go. Tuesday, we reconnected.

My family came helped me move, cooked, and kept me busy. I love my family. They are so more upfront than me. I've soften over the years. I ditched them Friday for BIG and Trademark. Saturday we moved and I had to take to get some money, so she could shop (her poor boyfriend). I took her to Lenox on Saturday and she was overwhelmed. "Where the real niggas at?!" I had to explain to her what was going on in the city. She still took awhile to adjust. She also had questions about Slick. I said "ask him and why is it important to you"? My mother was in her typical mode (supervisor). She is seeing more of a different side of me, which caued her to throw the side eye at me. We didn't have a chance to discuss my sexuality. She did make it clear she wanted grandkids and stuff.

Anyway, that sums up everything...how did your weekend pan out?

Commitment????

After being all excited and feeling like I spoke him into my life I'm faced with reality. Yeah, it's been less than two weeks and the infatuation is over. It's such ashame, is it not? I'm wondering if I'm committing self-sabotage. Am I purposely finding flaws to make him less significant? Probably. Does his pace scare me? DEFINITELY! He wants to meet my mother. Are you kidding? I vaguely remember how he looks (he's been out of town on business). I remember not being blown away (he was alright). He had to be decent if I gave him my number, right? Do I see a power struggle coming my way? Most definitely! Whenever I feel like I'm losing my independence I will push back real hard. I don't need a dad. He is ready for a life long commitment I can tell by our conversation. I thought I was ready for something real, but am I really? I DON'T KNOW! I'm full of crap! All this talk about finding something real. I have great potential in front of me and now I'm getting scared. I need my a** kicked. He's too old for me, I think. See there goes another excuse...sigh. How do I go from wanting this experience and this man to questioning everything. Am I afraid of love or the potential of this situation? He's coming with his stuff together that's for sure. Whatever...I'm going to make a conscious effort not to kill this experience. Even though, I'm already poking holes in the foundation.

Random thoughts on getting to know him

• He excites me!
• His confidence is so HOT!
• His approach was so smooth
  
• aahhmm...you're too smooth. I'm being extra attentive to our conversations, because I'm waiting on the bullsh*t.
• So far, your staying in the clear
• I'm teaching you patience. (In general you move fast. I don't plan on dying anytime soon. Trust, you have my attention)
  
• You don't like that!
  
• You try to hide it, but I can tell you are use to setting the pace and someone following
• I'm not that guy...sorry! Heck, I'm use to setting the pace
  
• I do feel the need to oblige, but I think it's better for me to stay true to myself.
  
• We've had a slight yes moment. It was diffused before it could really occur
• I'm waiting on you to get over it.
  
• You're going to act like you weren't aggravated by it, but I know you were.
  
• I want to really talk about it.
  
• I hope you do too
• I like to gain understanding
• This will help us determine each other parameters
  
• You have to let patience have its perfect work
• Trust, you will want for nothing

Playing~"Jockin' Jay z"-Jay z (this makes me get real cocky)

There is where I am right now

Lesson Learned

About two months ago a friend was over my house telling me about how he was tired of his current boyfriend. Deuce and I gave him a hard time. The bf is a little needy, but a good boyfriend (cleans, works, cooks, etc). Then, my friend confesses that he has cheated on him. Deuce went into "y'all n*ggas aint sh*t " mode. Our friend thinks its funny. He thinks the dude drove him to cheat on him. He was too clingy. The dude called twice and texted like 7 times within an hour. In the midst of all of this our friend is trying to figure out what's up with me. Deuce warns me about our mutual friend "he's trying to figure you out, don't go for it". I figured that, because of some of the questions he was asking.

A month or so later I hang out with my friend. We both had prior engagements, but we decided to meet each other later that night. We wanted to party together. He calls me while I'm still out with my other friend. Apparently, he was still entertaining his fling. Well, the guy began to want more. He shows out while my friend, the fling and their mutual friends are in line trying get into this popular restaurant/ lounge. He flees the scene. Guess who shows up at the club...the fling. He dances with my friend, but my friends decides to dance with someone else. He pushes my friend so hard he stumbles back. My friend threatens the boy and security removes the fling. The fling calls my friend's boyfriend who is out of town. The fling and the boyfriend know each (these wh*res are trifling) . The next morning my friend is trying to recover from his hangover only to be awaken by his boyfriend ranting on the phone. Now, he has to kiss @** for awhile. Lesson Learned: Stick with what you have

My daddy

How has your relationship with your father influenced your relationship with men? Even if he was absent,, you had an ideal of how fathers behaved and cared for their child. For example, If your father was absent does that make you more independent or dependent upon the men you date? I know we may not want to acknowledge our fathers in some cases, but it's worth exploring. It's not something we can just ignore. Our relationship with our parents or lack there is fundamental in our interaction with others.

My father was absent for the most part. He was a hustler. We interacted a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I was able to see the bullsh*t more clearly. The empty promises and the lack of consistency made me cut him off. On the other hand, my father was very cool, carefree, and very affectionate towards me. Now, my relationship with men is so straight up. If you look like you could possibly have some bullsh*t going on I stop communicating with you immediately (in most cases). See where I'm going?

My little secret

Playing~"Say It"-rihanna

Deuce, his bf, and myself were having a conversation. Both of them were warning me against having my man around myfriends ( I don't have one). "DON'T HAVE YOUR PIECE AROUND YOUR FRIENDS!" I thought this was a little insecure. Maybe, I'm too confident, but I don't see it. When you experience a good thing you share it. You talk about it. What do you guys think about this? Should you keep your friends away from the person you're dating?

Two ladies who I am enjoying

Michelle Obama


Rihanna

random thoughts

I can't overcome this feeling. It's so ingrained in my head. I can't defeat it. I keep saying I'm ready to date and such. However, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I wonder, will I be a good boyfriend? What about sex? That topic comes up pretty quick in conversation. I really don't have an answer. I typically answer with what's most true to how I feel. Will I ever have that magical moment that draws me to someone? Is that just a figment of my imagination? Why can't I just have fun? Nawl, that lead me to Plan B and that was truly a mess. WTF was I thinking! He progressed way further than he should have. Lord, just the thought! He had some great attributes, but I didn't have chemistry with him. Thus, I refuse to entertain anyone who I don't feel something for upfront. I'm sure this aids in my lack of dating. You typically can't get that from seeing someone in the club or walking pass them in the mall/grocery store. Okay, this post is not suppose to be about this. I guess out of the fullness of the heart the hands write. You can't get your dream the first time out of the gate. You have to kiss a few toads to get your prince, but I don't want no d**n toads. Let's skip that and get right to the prince....sigh.