I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.
I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.
Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."
It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.
Playing~Nothing-Brandy
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4 comments:
Wow, you've honestly described me to a tee! That's was scary to read yo because I am the exact same way. I've realized after the collapse of my last relationship earlier this year that I don't allow anyone to get that close to me. I'm independant to the point where I find it uncomfortable to allow anyone to do things for me. It's very unhealthy to a relationship trust me. I honestly don't have any advice for you because I'm grappling with the same situation.
~Damnit!
It sounds to me that you are focusing on all of the negative results of being intimate with someone. How about focusing on all of the good that could happen? Reap the benefits!
Very honest post... I hear what you are saying and even understand your viewpoint. I, however, look at being vulnerable as being a strength. You will never be able to control what someone else does... you may even have to learn the hard way, but the fact that you were strong enough to be vulnerable, that says a lot about you and your character within a relationship.
Question--- if you were to get into a relationship would you want someone to be vulnerable to you? Do you feel like you are good enough for someone to put their trust in you? If you answer yes to both questions, then maybe it would be a good idea to rethink your position on you being vulnerable to another...
I feel that when you stop making LOVE something on your "to do" list then you will be fine. You have to allow yourself the opportunity to be loved and if you aren't willing to do that then you would be wasting your time.
Trust, when you are ready then it will come. Be accepting of love and the rest will follow.
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