untitled

I literally can't sleep at night......all I think about is making love.

More like 2 degrees of seperation

I guess it's true. We all are connected. My Cuddle Buddy(CB) started pushing the envelope like 3-weeks ago. I began to avoid his whether direct comments, becuase I didn't want to be rude or hurt his feelings. However, I was still seen as nasty when I brushed comments off. Maybe, I may have made their efforts come across as juvenile. I guess my CB decided to move on, which is fine. It ws become a bit of a yawn fest anyway. We talked today and he released what he thought would be an atomic bomb. I've beening seeing this other guy, I really like him, blah, blah. I'm like "good for you". How did you meet, blah, blah. He brags on the guy. He wanted me to be jealous, but I was like "no really this is a good thing". Then, he gives details on his new "friend". I'm like OMG...I think I know the "love of your life" (me and my darn sacrasm). Well, what do you know it's him (the one who tried to hide that he was gay). It's cute, because I'm all but sure dude was checking for me a few months ago. CB calls, he gets on the phone, he's laughing, and I'm thinking no big deal. I later text him to tease him. He acts like he still doesn't like boys. I'm blown...get the f*** out of here.

So, I'm being hit on at work. Maybe, I should call it sexual harassment. This boy is saying in a little girly voice "could you do this for me daddy?" Grabbing me "don't leave me [insert some warm and fuzzy name]. I'm like YUCK! Get away...your not attractive and your antics make you even more unattractive. What should I do?

I don't know if I agree

I hope everyone had a merry Christmas.

A situation arose between a friend of mine and his ex. I didn't particularly agree with his thought process, so I'm getting feedback. It was a terrible breakup, so he felt like everyone who was attached to him shouldn't deal with the ex at all. Granted, they did do a lot of crazy stuff to him, but my thought process is they did it to you not to me. Anyway, he finds out one of his best friends have been keeping contacting with the ex. They agreed he wouldn't continue to talk to the ex, but he kept talking to him anyway. Anyway, my friends finds out that his friend has been telling his ex everything. He goes off. The ex shows up to the club they're at and that caused quite the scene. He refuses to talk to the friend and the ex. What are your thoughts? I thought the whole thing was a bit childish. I also thought you cannot tell your friends whom they can talk to. Anyway, your thoughts

questions?

Nature vs. Nurture?

Is it okay for your boyfriend to be with another woman, but not with another man?

Who's getting that Mary album today?

The abstinence thing is going....(well, that's a statement)

I told my friends about my "encounter" w/ my cuddle buddy. One of my friends were done with me and the others gave me mixed response.

Do you speak to bloggers when you see them in public? I saw two (valentino and pimusique)

playing~"smoking cigarettes"-tweet

yeah, I don't have that much to say.

Random

Playing~"fade away"-Mary J. Blige


I decided I was going to abstain from all things sexual (no relations, no masturbation, no porn, etc). I was doing pretty good until this freakin' weekend. Nothing happen, but it definitely was a struggle. It was like I was sensitive to my own touch...lord have mercy! I'm going on week 3, let's see how it goes. If today is any indicator.....it's going to be a tough week.

I didn't call the girl. I don't plan on it. You know, I'm feeling girls less and less.

I'm not 100% confident these days. I think this new position is causing me to doubt myself. Not because it's hard, but because you feel the need to prove yourself. I'm not feeling that hot, either. To sum it all up, I'm feeling very average right now.

I really need to find something I'm passionate about. I'm so over my current situation (despite the promotion).

I really want something real. Even if it doesn't last, we could see each other years from now and know we left an indelible mark in each other lives.

life and two lessons learned

Playing~"Stars"-Rahsaan Patterson (Wine and Spirit album)

This girl who I was interested in when I first moved her found me recently and she wanted to reconnect (funny, she didn't when I wanted to). Anyway, I haven't called and today marks a week. A year ago I would have jumped at the opportunity, but now, not so much. I'm a little indifferent and I feel awkward because in the pass few months (~4) I've entertained a few guys (~2). I definitely wouldn't want to mix things. What are your thoughts?

I received a promotion and a raise. The raise was boo boo, so I fought for another...got it. It still is not where I should be, but it's better than what I had.

It's cute when someone who had a slight advantage on you in a friend/relationship and the tables turn. They become more open than you ever were. The bad part is, your pretty much over them by this time...sorry.

No one is neutral in your life. Either they make a deposit or they make a withdrawal

You cannot rewind time. It's sounds simply, but really! You cannot rewind it. So cherish your moments, live in the moment whether it's pain or joy. Don't let the person you like walk pass you one more time without saying anything. You only live once

Put It In

Work
Uploaded by ch1c

Kelly's single "work" It's really late and I'm kinda over, but I have to show my girl some love

Human

Playing~"do you remember me"-Jill Scott

My friend and I were talking about the duality of being a human. At best, you are two people. You may call one your lower nature or crazy side, but everyone has two personalities to varying degrees. What are yours?

World's AIDS Day

Playing~"Lesson Learned"-Alicia Keys ft. John M.

What are you doing Today?

Perception is everything

Some people's perception of things will really blow your mind. Have you had an experience and someone thought it was great and you thought I could have missed this whole experience? Then, you have to bring them back to reality. aahhmm...were you and I experiencing the same thing? I had to give someone that reality recently. "I don't know if you noticed, but I didn't have the same reaction you did. It wasn't good for me." My friends thought I was cold for telling the truth to the person, but they really were ego trippin' and I was like what are yyyyoooouuu talking about? I also had to check myself regarding matters surrounding this encounter. Have you had to bring someone back to reality?

I've been bottom lining it for myself and everyone around me. Remove all of the bs ppl are telling us (I've been hurt, I'm scared, I'm confused,etc). We keep rationalizing this BS. We came to the conclusion we need to do better, but will we?

It's call growing up

I'm sitting here at 3:42am and I'm reflecting on my life (the good, the bad, and the inbetween). I realized the past few years have caused a great deal of growth and revealed a lot about my character. All of the things that were discovered weren't necessary good things. There are so many things I should have done differently and so many decisions I shouldn't have made. Then, I realized, I could go all day with a list of possible outcomes. However, I have to live in my current reality. I've learned (maybe I should say I am learning) to appreciate where I am. I need to be thankful for all of the bad decisions, tough times, and the lack of risk taking. Those decision and circumstances made me into the person I am now and I'm a big freakin' deal! (lmbo).

HEY! (random things)

Playing~"People Person"-Donnie

• I didn't see the AMA, but thanks to our handy dandy dailymotions I was able to watch the performances. aahhhmm...Did Rhiannna show up Alicia, Mary, and B? Something is terribly wrong with this picture.
• I enjoyed Rahbi's Strange Fruit showcase this weekend. Trina who sings backup for Rahsaan killed "You Brought the Sunshine" and Algebra killed "Can We Talk".
  
• My boss calls me 10 mins ago to make sure I'm not going to leave the company...LMBO "just to let you know, you did get your raise". Oh, it finally came through. I guess two managers quitting made you extremely nervous, huh. I gave him a politically correct answer with a subliminal message of I'm prepared to leave at anytime.
  
• Has anyone saw a picture of blogger Rod2.o? pppsss....Mr. Rod...just joking
  
• "Lesson Learned" is my sh*t! Sing Alicia
  
• By far, me moving into my current apartment complex was the absolutely worst decision I've made since moving to Atlanta. I can't even think about it. These irresponsible, unscrupulous, rude whores will make you catch a case...arrgghh
  
• I reconnected with my crew up here, so that's been great! I'm getting better with meeting people and socializing, but I'm still trying to meet the right group of people. I've never struggled to connected with people. Idunno what's going on now.
  
• Shopping was the best this weekend was it not? I brought2 bottles of cologne and received two as a gift from a buddy(Diesel's Fuel for Life, Fahrenheit, Armani's Attitude, Dior's Higher Energy). I grabbed a few things from Banana Republic, Macy's, and Express.
• This song is definitely the truth! Everybody's looking for something, but I wish they wouldn't look for it from me.
• Believe it or not I don't curse in real life
  

Playing~"love"-Kirk Franklin

Reading is fundamental

I'm in need of a good read. Anybody read anything good lately?

that darn A. Keys and this homo thing

I'm definitely feelings this album. It gives you a fuse of R&B, Soul, and Funk (in my opinion). If you are looking for a lot of production, this is not the album for you. A lot of live instruments and great vocals is what you will find. Highlights on the album: No One (is for her pre-existing fan base), Like You'll Never See Me Again (this made me buy the album), Lesson Learned, Wreckless Love, The Thing About Love, Teenage Love Affair,I Need You, Prelude To A Kiss, and Tell You Something


A song (Prelude To a Kiss) on the album sparked a conversation between a friend and I. I asked him "Do you think people understand who you are?" "Do they relate to you well?" Response, "Yeah, they understand and relate to the part I show them". *sigh* The invisible life of the gays (men and women). We talk about how both of us don't share that portion of our lives with everyone in our lives. He recently came out to some friends and it went well. Anyway, some kinda way he referred to this stage of his life as an experience (like it's just something he going through). I quickly jumped all over him. No, Disney World is an experience. This is real! It's not a moment or a day. This is your life! I may not choose to share a lot of my business publicly, but one thing I don't do is disillusion myself. We went into a discussion about religion, which was interesting and enjoyable. I like bouncing all these ideals on people.

How many know what love is?

Playing~"Was it worth it"-Keyshia Cole

People use the word love so freely. It has lost its true essence. Love goes beyond the butterflies you feel in your stomach and the random thoughts that run through your head all day. Love is a choice. People are confusing liking someone and loving some. I’m so sick of hearing about it. How do you love someone and keep someone on the side the whole time. Love influences your decisions to better your relationship. You choose to not sneak, tip, and creep because you love someone. Thus, you don’t make conscious and repetitive decisions that will endanger your relationship. If you ever want to see how much you love someone examine the decision you make that directly affects them. I believe love and commitment go hand in hand. However, I don’t believe they are equally balanced all the time. Some people may not feel all these beautiful feelings, but they are committed to the person they are with and they make a decision to honor that commitment. Feeling change, but love surpass how you feel.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I Cor. 13v.4-8

a little bit of this and that

I consider myself someone who lets things go relatively easy. However, Wednesday Morning I woke with a few things on my mind before my alarm went off. I was contemplating the reality of some circumstances and how I can effect them. I finally got up to get ready for work and I felt like I was having a panic attack or something. My chest was tightening up and I was having shortens of breath, which kinda freaked me out. I didn't realize I allowed circumstances that for the most part, I didn't create effect me. I received so much crazy information in the past 2 weeks that I thought had no effect on me, but apparently it did. I said all of that to say this, do what you can to assist, but don't carry other people's burdens.
Now on to the randomness:

• Isn't funny how the truth always reveals itself? I love when people adamantly deny something only to slip up and admit it later. I'm savoring the moment when I can call their behind out. I knew you were f**king him! LLLLIIIAAARRR!!!!
  
• Alicia Keys is really a fly chick. She was great at the concert.
• Remember I talked about that raise...well, they aren't sure if I received it. WTbleep
• Isn't proverbs a great book in the bible
• I haven't heard a sincere THANK YOU from Rommie yet. If it happen, he must have said it when I first let him move in. I'm glad I did it from the heart, so a thank you is not that big of a deal. He is enjoying his place on the Westside.
• Somehow I end up making others peoples' mate (male or female) mad at me. To the shock of both their mate and myself. I'm always respectful and I rarely contact (call, text, etc) anyone who is connected, but some kinda way I rub them the wrong way. I'm confused because their partner contacts me (heck sometimes I didn't even know they exist). jeez
  

Spiritual Vitamin

This song is a testimony for me and I'm sure for a few others. I typically don't go into my beliefs on here, but it's such a part of who I am. I don't know why I don't mention it more often, but I really enjoy this song.

Doing it again (not)

Playing~"love again"-Gordon chambers and Ledisi

I went against my better judgment and e-mailed Plan B (I didn't have his number). I get a friendly e-mail back. Come to find out he didn't know why we stopped talking either and wanted to talk. Roomie is the one who thought I really should contact him. He also thought I really should call. I wasn't so sure about that. Basically, he plans on getting his groove back real soon with someone, so he wants me squared away. Again, I didn't know if I really want to invest anytime in him period. However, he is the only guy I allowed myself to be open with, so he's easy, comfortable even (that's his appeal). Fast forward(4 days later)

Tonight, I texted him for a dual purpose. One, I wanted us to meet in person, so I ask when is he free. Two, I wanted someone's number(that's really why I texted him). He doesn't like the meeting in person ideal. Plus, he doesn't give me the number. He will give the person my number. I'm like wtf. They ask about me all the time per your words. Now I don't have a date for a concert. They probably will call me too late. I thought the meeting in person was a great ideal. I wanted to lay everything on the table face to face (no pseudo boldness that people develop over the phone).

Basically, we ran into what we always ran into. Two alpha males trying to battle it out. Typically, I don't battle, because I don't care enough to. I let people do whatever they want within reason. We will not be doing this again

good enough

I have been kinda blah, introspective, and disappointed. During this time, I have discovered we all have one need, the need to feel good enough. We want to be the child that makes our mothers proud. The one she can brag on at work. We want to be the best employee at our jobs, so our education and experience can be affirmed by the company we work for. We also want to feel good enough to be loved (in the romantic sense). To have someone to think about us in the middle of the day. Trusted, cared for, etc.

The love department is where the challenge lies. We go the extra mile to prove that we are good enough. However, I have learned the hard way, being good enough to be loved is unmerited. You really can't earn it. For the most part, parents are proud of their children when they achieve. Jobs usually promote if you consistently perform well, but with the matters of the heart. Your sacrifices, hardwork, and dedication could mean nothing to someone else. There is no graduation to attend. The is no scale for you to be evaluated on. Nothing! When all of your work goes unnoticed or dismissed and the love you thought was exclusively yours is being shared with some other unknown person. You are left to wonder why. Why am I not good enough? What could I have done differently? Are they that better looking then me? Is the sex better? What do they have over me?
*this post doesn't reflect my current state...I'm good. I wrote this back in 2006. It was like my second or third post on this blog. I still want your feedback on my previous post*

What should I do?

I knew I would run into him sooner or later. A brief awkwardness separated my initial greeting to you. I spoke first, because I knew your pride would have you at a lost for words. You respond accordingly and the awkwardness returns just as swiftly as it left. I'm determine to get rid of the weirdness, which is my way of communicating to you "you were never that serious to me". I start a conversation about topics we never finish discussing, because our whatever you want to call it ended so abruptly. You let me know about your many successes. I wished you well. I inform you about my happenings. You let me know everyone keeps asking about me. I give them my regards. I also discover your single now. I knew that wasn't going to last. Then, I discover a mutual associate is joining the group. PROBLEM!!! This mutual friend was persistent about getting the ding ding. JESUS!! I thought the awkwardness was gone. The night goes pretty well outside of my phone vibrating all times of the night. You give a slight umph, which I thought was cute.

Now, I'm stuck wondering....should I contact this person to see why we don't talk to each other anymore? I'm sure he thought I dissed him, so he decided he would never speak to me again. ding ding boy and you both had to admit I was looking right...I overheard. Blogsphere what should I do? I don't know if I desire to befriend him at all, but I would like to know why we don't talk. It's probably best that I just leave it alone. As you can see I need your feedback

Also, a mutual friend arranged this gathering (the same guy who was so determine for us to meet). Do you think he knows we had a riff? He sent me a text message that said "I'm glad you came" when I was stuck between ding ding boy and Plan B (this is when we were at the movies). Yeah, shamefully admitting this post is about Plan B

Just Fine

I so embody this song. The ambiguous yearning and "I just wanna be loved" is gone. I have my swag back. I don't know what the flip I was on. I was struggling for like 2 weeks...not a good look. I typically have peace and contentment in just about every state I find myself in.

Work has had minor improvements;however, it's not such much work that has changed, but how I view it. ( I try to pray. "If you can't change it, change me in the situation")

I've been doing a pretty good job about saving money. I keep shopping, but it's working into my budget (somehow). Go me!!!

I received the raise, but it hasn't shown up on my check yet. It should show up on the next check..it better.

I'm still trying to conquer the social aspect. I just don't know...sigh.

Roomie is moving!!! He'll be on the Westside

Before all of this stuff happen I regained my surety in who and what I am. All these recent events were icing on the cake. I've also had some not so great events happen, but they just can't touch my confidence right now.

Me, Myself, and I

I have a knack for removing myself emotionally while still being present in the physical. It’s a coping method that I learned as a child. My mother taught me how to perfect this skill. She was definitely not an emotional person and as a child I was emotional. She absolutely hated that. To her that meant you were weak and no child of hers was going to be a “punk”. I definitely toughen up and as I grew older my skin grew thicker. It can be quite handy, but it can also cause problem, because people think you’re stolid. I’ve been accused of lacking emotion from time to time. I completely disagree with this accusation, but I’m definitely too logical to sensationalize a situation and freak out (it’s so unbecoming).

Now, I have a little problem. I’m not extremely attached to anyone. I think it’s my way of not allowing myself to be hurt or made a fool out of. You guys saw Jill’s character fall apart in “Why Did I Get Married?”. No Sir, not the kid! When I saw her broken up in the hotel I said “see that’s exactly what I’m talking about, I can’t do it”. My roomie goes “umph”, which spoke volumes. It can be a hindrance in my relationships, but it can also hurt me. It gives me this “me against the world” complex. I definitely have some extremely close friends and we share a great deal of our lives with each other, but even they say I can give off an aura of “I love you, but you are disposal”, which is never my intention. I’m just comfortable with doing things alone and I must admit, I definitely only count on me. Not because I don’t believe in people or trust them, but they have circumstances and situation themselves. On rare occasions it can make you feel alone, but most of the time you feel extremely confident and comfortable. I’m not sure what to do about this complex.

Me, Myself, and I

You're my friend

I had a verbal confrontation with a friend of mine. It was noting detrimental, but we definitely had some candid words for each other. I think we all have a friend who can be a little off the chain from time to time. He was telling me something and I said “you have lies”. In laymen terms it meant you are doing way too much. We say that from time to time, but this time I guess there was a little too much seriousness to my voice and boy did he lay into me. “Just because you are too afraid to live your life, don’t come for me because I’m living mine.” I’m shocked that my friend just came at me like that. He goes on to say “you try to keep up this good boy imagine, but its unreal. At the age of 24 (he’s older than me) you haven’t even lived your life. You have no story to tell. You’ve never had sex; you never had a real relationship with anyone. I don’t know why we talk to you like you have life answers.” At this point, I’m over my shock and fully loaded with a counter attack, because some of those words stung. “First, you called me so don’t come at me with all of this drama. Second, I may not have done a lot, but that’s how I avoid a lot of the crap you go through and if that’s what you call living you can keep that. I don’t want a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time. I refuse to be some else’s casual sex partner while they go back to the person they’re in a relationship with. Obviously, we have two different ideals of what living life is all about. You called me out of all of the other friends you have, because I’m the only one who can call you on your crap and give you some sound advice. Plus, I’m the only one who is mature enough to take what you just dished out and love you the same. He jokes “oh shut up, you still haven’t had sex yet.” I laugh a little.

After the laughter there was an apology from him and mine followed. However, it was made clear, both of us meant what we said, but didn’t mean for it to be as vicious as it was. I absolutely hate for people to be all bold about their actions or words and then try to down play them after they perform the act or say the words. He still feels like I don’t live, because I’m too afraid of consequences and too prideful to live with a mistake. I still feel like he needs to slow down and that he is definitely performing all of these risky behaviors, because he refuses to deal with some internal issue. We both kinda agreed with the feedback regarding us, but we realize we have to do things our way and our time

like a dream

So, I had my first sexual dream involving a man. I don't know what triggered the dream. Maybe, because I decided to shut down my "me time". Yeah, I'm kinda over the self love thing, for now at least. I didn't have intercourse in the dream. However, the dream was very visual. I'm definitely giving you guys way more than you desire to know, so I'm done.

*edited paragraph deleted*

Because I refuse to post 3 times in one day

Playing~"closer"-Goapele

• You ever feel like you hear so much, but you don't hear anything real. Something insightful, passionate, profound, intriguing....I need some conversation.
• Don't you hate when you have something to say, but can't find the words to say it. It so frustrating when your thoughts and words are ambiguous, but you feel so much. My feelings are can kinda obscure themselves, but I feel such passion. I know, I'm crazy!
• hhhmm...that's why I'm doing this random post with hopes my juices will start flowing.
• Well, I lost another one. After it became clear I wasn't giving up the penis-no more calls, no more text...nothing. Go figure
  
• I think I have potential to have beef with roomie. I just need to accept we are in two different place.
  
• I'm sure everyone saw "Why Did I Get Married?". What character do you most resemble?
  
• Work has become so mundane I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with it all. I'm sending two resumes to my friends, so they can doctor it up for me. I need a new job badly!
  
• Okay, I'm over the randomness, because I'm bound to start giving out TMI

Playing~"Back in the day"-Erykah Badu

my freedom

As of 8:52pm on Sunday, October 14, 2007 I’m going to do better. I’m going to stop being angry about lack of reciprocity I’m receiving and stop investing in things that don’t profit me. I’m not going to mumble another word about the lack of love and friendships I have here and create them. I can’t believe I allowed myself to become so passive about my life. The only thing I was being aggressive about was my job and I need to serve their a** notice about my f*ckin’ money. I’m takin back full control…no more coasting.

get your sh*t

"the fact is (I need you)"-Jill Scott

I feel kinda bad writing this, but what the heck. I want my roomie and great friend out! He has to go! He has been here 3 months+ and I'm over it all. I'm counting down until the end of this month. At the end of this month, he will be gone one way or another. He knows that's my deadline and I'm not extending it. I can't take care of a grown person. In his defense, I purposely told him not to pay me for household expenses (rent, utilities), because I wanted him to save every dime, so he could move. The only thing he had to buy was his food, which still didn't work out that well. I extended the deadline twice one because he had a late start and the last time was because I was just trying to be a friend. After 3.5 months I'm done. I realized he hasn't even offered to pay for gas and I pick him up just about every night he works. He eats out just about as much as I do. He's been shopping...I'm like hey, I told you how I felt about it, but it's your money and you will deal with the consequences not me. The longer he stays the more I realize we're not that much alike. We both like boys and come from the same religion background, but our behavior and mindsets are definitely different.

However, I'm going to miss him and feel a little bad (only for a minute), because I was suppose to be his break. I was trying to give him a way out, which turned out to be an extended vacation.

Gift of Goodbye

Playing~"Free yourself"-Fantasia

I was cleaning my e-mail today and I ran across several e-mails from Plan B. I kinda chuckled because I had forgot about them and from time to time he runs across my mind, which is something I'm okay with. He was the first guy I entertained. After people leave us we move on, but not really. We tend to think about who they are with? Are they missing us? Did we make the right decision....blah, blah, blah. Today, I had an epiphany about this situation. Plan B was nothing special! However, I enjoyed the ideal of him. What he represented is what I enjoyed and that allows me to magnify what we had. Oh the games our psyche plays on us. From time to time I have to remind myself that the people who leave aren't tied to the person I'm destine to be. Thus, I should be appreciative of their departure, because they stopped me from investing in something that wouldn't have brought forth the results I was looking for. Thus, I never try to make anyone stay, love me, or anything else they don't want to do for me. I try to keep myself as free as possible for the people who are purpose for me. You never can welcome them fully when you are invested in someone who was only meant for a season. It's easier said than done, but let's practice the gift of goodbye

This blogging thing

Playing~"End of time (remix)"-JT & B

You know, blogging is a tricky thing. You get a chance to share your thoughts and ideals with a diverse group of people who may not be represented in your current reference group. It definitely can be therapeutic when you are confused or aggravated with a particular situation. However, blogging really can cause things to be lost in translation. It’s a one way communication device, which leads to a lot of misunderstanding. People read something that you wrote and get some completely different than what you intended to communicate. Often times we are just telling a story without a lot of background, which can be misrepresenting of the circumstance your writing about. Has anyone posted something and read some of the comments are wondered “how did they come to that conclusion?”

Playing~"Rehab"-Amy

Truthfully

The truth is I’m a little gloomy and mad. My love life has been less than lack luster. Hell, it’s non-existent, which makes me feel kinda sad. You begin to wonder, am I going to be alone? I haven't had a substantial relationship and I've been here almost a quarter of a century. Everyone needs to feel that type of security/validation from time to time. It’s more than someone giving you a passing compliment. Someone feeling you’re intriguing enough to invest time in you. Someone spending their time with you is more important than anything. Time is something you can never regain, so for someone to invest a priceless commodity in you is the greatest compliment. I’m mad, because I’m the shit and I’m not getting any play. Sounds cocky, but that’s how I feel.

Now, let me take ownership of the lack of activity in my love life (I hear my roomie shouting your single because you want to be). I don’t know if I’m ready. Am I seriously ready to have my first male-to-male relationship? In real time, I don’t give men permission to approach me in a sexual neutral place (i.e. the mall, grocery store). I do this half of the time subconsciously. Then, there is this struggle with religion and sexuality. No, I’m not one of those church bois (God hates me b/c I’m gay). I’m going to break up with you every other week. I like to challenge those types, but I can’t deny how that part of my life influences not only this portion of my life, but my life in general. I absolutely refuse to talk to any women now. I wouldn’t take a woman to any of this, so I’m just stuck in the middle of nothingness.

Frustrated

My girl, Jill says it best on “I wanna be loved”

Sidenote: I think I’ve lost another associate because of me not giving it up. I guess I should have known they rolled in the same circle. Now I have like two associates here and my roomie…this is some crap! Speaking of roomie...that's another post, but you guys know he was on a time line.

What's up with that d*ck?

Playing~"Just Mary"-Mary J. Blige

You know, I'm sick of f*cking. Well, not actually doing it, but the pursuit of it. I haven't even done it yet and I'm over it. Stop asking me about it...NO, NO, NO. It will not work!!! I can't be your friend and f*ck you too. I need to keep the few friends I've met up here. I don't understand what door I've open up, but I need to close it. Starting last month(September) I've been hit with crazy propositions and I'm over it! I can't get a decent conversation, but people can talk and text me about my chico stick. Maybe, I'm old fashion, but I just can't do the random sex thing. I wish I could, but somehow I always end up feeling cheap. After my two minor sexual encounters with the boys I felt some kinda way about it. Does anyone want to date anymore? Jesus.

Wishing to be an A sexual,

Life

Playing~"addicted"-Amy Winehouse

Get Real

"My Love"-Jill Scott

I just finish watching a movie called Get Real on Logo. It's a tale of two young men who become attracted to each other. One is a shy guy who is sure of his sexuality and the other is a jock who is confused about the whole thing. I was completely attentive to this movie. It tells the story that so many of us have experienced. All of us have played the role of the jock and/or the shy guy (I've been both) at some point or another. Most of us were the shy guy and we fell for the jock. The guy who nobody suspected and he trusted us to keep it that way. Typically, we find ourselves in this situation between adolescence and early adulthood. Sigh, the things we put up with for moments with our jock. This movie made me go back to a place I rarely visit. I thought to myself I've been there, have you?

exhale....I woke up this morning with the spirit of thanksgiving. I feel so blessed and my faith ensures me things are going to turn around. I hope everyone is feeling empowered today. If not, do something about it!

random thoughts

Playing~"My love"-Jill Scott (I'm listening to the album now and so far so great!)

• All of those darn people and the young man is still locked up...can you believe this?! I told people making a real impact is going to take more than marching down there and wearing all black on one day.
  
• Someone broke into my car last week, ain't that some crap! They didn't break anything or steal anything...weird right? I think it was a bum who was looking for some money or something lucrative...sorry. The only thing they did was create quite the mess in my car.
• It's really not cute to realize that you've been played way after it has happen. Darn these pseudo-good boys. I consider myself played if I didn't get as much as I gave. There I was thinking I was cute. I guess there is a first time for everything. Yes, I keep track of what you gave and what I gave ever so slightly, but you would never know.
  
• I finally address issues at work. I think you guys knew that was coming after my misunderstood post. It was done very tactfully and professionally, but I realize some people are just messy and they can't help it. I took a few stabs during my address to my co-workers, but I kept my conversation direct and to the point.
• It's weird when you have someone who treats you well, but you're still attached to the person who treated you bad. WTF is that about?
• Do you believe certain painful events leave scars on you physically? You know, how you can mention a certain experience and you feel it in your gut or where ever.
• Alicia Keys "No One" is becoming my sh*t.
• What do you do when a couple wants you? I'm not talking about together, but each of them wants you for themselves and they think the other doesn't know. Do you tell, just run away from both of them, or have a grand time..lol?
• Oh I felt so flirtatious today. I mean, I was ready to throw coy out of the window and just be in your face with it. I had to consciously pull myself back from eating this one guy up who made a particular inquiry and comment about me. I did look at him with eyes of bring your @** over here, so I can say something. He became coy, but he is so rough...how cute. He's not my type really, but I was on the prowl. Forget the good boy thing today...lol.

Playing "All I"-Jill Scott

Easy Conversation

Playing~"resentment"-Jazmin S.

One thing I really enjoy about my friends is that we allow each other to be transparent without judgment. We share some of the most tacky, vulnerable, embarrassing, and happiest moments with each other. I think we don't judge each other because we realize that could have been me. I could have made that decision. This doesn't mean we agree on everything, but we respectfully agree to disagree. My friends really don't inter mingle. Outside of rommie/myself/and nosey (he found my blog...he probably is reading now).

Anyway, this question came up when rommie and I were having a moment. What three songs describe your past, present, and life? I pondered a minute and this was my response:

Past: "Be Happy"-Mary J. Blige
This song is my past and sometimes my present song, because that is my desire. When I was younger I always had that feeling of when will I truly be happy. I'm not talking about a moment or a week, but being a happy person (feeling that oneness). The things I did to feel love, happy in my adolescence/early teens years I don't talk about to this day. However, currently I feel pretty darn happy and I'm very comfortable in my own skin.

Present:"Wide Open Spaces" Dixie Chicks
This song fits so well, because it talks about someone going out on their own and making good and bad choices. I feel like I'm definitely in that state. I've always been pretty independent and my own person (sometimes to a fault), but I'm currently choosing my life path. Setting the tone for my future and who I want to be.

Life: "The Rose"-Bette Midler
The words to this song describe my life pretty freakin' well. It's about a person who never experiences life in it's full because they're afraid of all of the consequence that could come with budding. I'm the right down the middle type of guy. I, more than like, always take the safe route in life. I'm very much of the persuasion "if I made the decision, I will pay the price". I don't play the woe is me game. I did it and I will pay the price for whatever I did. Because of that I make decisions with the consequences in mind for the most part. Thus, I rarely do anything that's out there, so I always get mediocre results.

What are your three songs and why did you choose them?

Misunderstood

-sing Nina Simone

I don't know when I developed this, but over the years I've just become this person who is just happy to be in the number (docile even). I typically take the high road when people do silly or not so silly crap. Then, every now and again I get pissed. I get tired of being the nice guy and over looking over blatant bullsh*t for the sake of people/work/whatever. I just want to say things like I feel them. In these moments anybody has the potential to get regulated on. I'm in one of those moments. Typically, I begin analyzing things all the way around and I feel tried all the way around. Then, I just start calling ppl out on their sh*t. Then, I become the not so nice black guy at work and ppl begin to slow their role altogether when it comes to me, because I'm not having the bullsh*t. *yelling*

Atlanta

Playing~"All I"-Jill Scott (I'm itching for this album at this point)

I've been here for a year and a month. I don't regret this move at all. I think I've changed in some ways, but for the most part I'm the same ol' Life. I definitely take a few more chances here than I think I would have taken back home. For the most part, I've been pretty successful. I've been promoted a few times. I've been able to sustain myself financially and others (in some cases), so it's been a prosperous time overall. My two biggest challenges have been finding some friends up here and getting connected to the city.

Meeting people here is a challenge. I'm accustom to a setting (i.e. college). I'm personable, but I'm definitely not very quick to befriend people. We all know those people who get too comfortable with you way too quickly. I don't want to be that guy, so I prefer to give you not enough than too much. I usually meet people through some type of work I do (i.e. church, club, organization). I'm not connected to any of those things up here. Everyone knows I'm a solo artist, but when I'm out having fun sometimes I need someone to converse with. You know, "oh look over there, no not him, him." someone to cut a two step with when your jam come on. Feeling this way inspired my previous post, but it's all good. I don't have a sad story. I still go out from time to time. One of my best friends & current roomie is here, so he gives me some connection. We are quite different from each other, which can be interesting from time to time, but over all we definitely identify with each other on some critical points in life and most importantly, I know he has my back no matter what. We all know that's hard to find these days, so if you do work through whatever else.

One thing I can say about Atlanta is there is always something going on. You might not know about it, but there is something going on. I love it, but I rarely enjoy it. I work in a seven day a week business and the job doesn't stop at 5, so I miss a lot of events due to work. Plus, sometimes I'm just beat down physically or emotionally from work and other times I just want to be alone. On top of that, I'm not connected to anything in particular, so sometimes I just completely miss the event all together. I'm not sure how to fix this problem outside of get another job and really get some friends who like to go out. I've met a potential friend, but I think he might be a little mess, so I'm passing.

Anyway, what challenges are you guys facing in your current city? I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR BLACK ON!

Outside

"Irreversibly Falling in between and it's hard to be understood as you are, and God knows that you're standing on your own"

-Mariah Carey "outside"

I had never heard this song by Mariah Carey until a year ago, but someone was talking about how deep the song is. Of course, they played it, because they are in love with her. The song is talking about being neither here or there, not fitting anywhere in particular and accepting it.

I've been "the outsider" all my life. Even though for most of my life I was very popular, I always felt like someone who was looking in. I'm cool with being an outsider, but I have days when I ask why can't I just fit in a little better. Why do I have all these facets, it aggravates me from time to time. My friends think I'm mysterious for some reason. I tell them everything (just about) and sometimes I tell them too much, but they still feel like I’m this complex person. I'm not! The more honest I am the more people misunderstand. Everyone appreciates my blunt, yet, tactful approach. I think we have become so accustom to reading into what people are saying we read too deep. I believe in somethings and at times things conflict. Most times I’m going to choose the safe route. I'm usually never extreme one way or another, which often times leave me on the outside. For example, I am a man, but I'm not crazy over sports, video games, or women. I don’t think the conversation will go very smoothly when they are talking about a play and the cheerleaders and I’m asking what play that was and yeah, she’s cute, but so is number 10. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss your outfit and boys all day either.

Every now and then I just get away from everyone and really don't talk to anyone, because I'm in a zone. During those times I'm gathering myself, evaluating where I am, who I am, who is surrounding me, what they are bringing and taking. And I always come to the conclusion that most (90%) of these people do not fit me well. Most of them are extreme version of me in one area or another. I can't find someone in the middle with me. I'm not saying that their opinions and actions are lacking diversity; they’re just different from me in some way that is a major part of MY TRUTH. They are too much of this or not enough of that. However, a good percentage of these people have my best interest in mind, so I keep them around. We all know it’s really hard to find people who are in your corner. I'm finding a lot of people aren't comfortable with just being them or they are not sure who they are. If I shared that, I’m sure some of them would be offended. And the ones who know who they are have tendency to be too much, I do not know, maybe I'm the problem, but this is my bottom line (I've been rambling for too long). It's tough to be the one who is neither here or there. You never fit well! I say well because I think no one will fit perfectly with anyone you have to work at it. And if you think it's perfect, give it time. Well, I asked this question to the person who is in love with the song, "Do you think it's best to keep things to yourself?" Their response was yes, somethings you keep to yourself, because people may not be able to handle all of you. Are you the outsider? How do you cope? Any feedback is good.

Pay attention

Have you guys seen this article ? I usually don't write about general topics outside of myself on this blog, but this article kinda caught more than my attention. We all have been affected or effected by this disease (HIV/AIDS). What are you doing or have done to effect this issue?

I don't know if people have been paying attention to the Jena 6 case, but I'm beyond amazed at how everything is being handle. Did they really take it this far? Attempted Murder..get the heck out of here.

catching you up

This post is old news, but I want to address these events anyway.

• First, the power of the penis. Alexis may have a point in her crazy bantering. Let’s address the guy in the parking lot. I talked to this guy at most 30 mins. and he was trying to have sex with me in the parking lot (well, in his car). I leave after I received a brotherly hug, which turned out to be a ploy to massage my penis and lick me on the neck. I’m laughing and shocked at this point. He was persistent all throughout the night via text message, but I finally had to admit to him….I’m not that kinda guy, sorry. Second incident that proves the penis has power. I’ve known this person (who I’ll call BB) for about 5 months and we never paid each other much attention. Well, I go to this dinner party last week and he’s there (sidenote I met him through Plan B, which is an issue for me). I get to the party last min. just enough to speak and take pictures. Around 4 am I get a text from BB and to make a long story short it came down to I saw your print and I think we should mess around. Once again, I kinda let the opportunity pass because I’m not that guy. Plus, I’ve never been with a guy before and I don’t want my first time to some fling…yuck. All of these options are tempting, but I can’t allow myself to go there.
• What are you thoughts on domestic violence (male-on-male)? One person is quite antagonizing and the other person typically just takes whatever the other dishes out, but ever so often (like every couple of years) they respond and it’s violent. They’re somewhat equally balanced with stature, but one person can fight much better. The person who attacked knows they were wrong and feels bad, but what blows me is the person who lost considerably in the fight took a lot of the blame. I get that he's the antagonizer, but darn.
• I moved recently and when I tell you I had drama. The apartment complex didn’t have my apartment ready and decided to tell me the day before. They tried to do a quick fix—didn’t work. One day later we couldn’t take it anymore and go off. They called the police on my mother, but they did move me after she went crazy. Then, they decided not to pay for all of the expenses they caused. I lose it. Everything is alright now, but I haven’t received any justice. The corporate office refuses to call me and I refuse to talk to anyone in the office at this point.
• I didn’t experience pride in its fullness, but I did do some parking lot pimpin’…lol. I already told you about Friday night. Saturday night wasn't as eventful, but I have some notes.
• It’s not about how attractive you are. The most important thing is appearing available and approachable. Some really cute guys never were approached, but some not so cute guys were being hollered at left and right.
• These men are full sh*t. They say all types of crap. They find something about you that’s better than average and they just compliment you until you walk away and someone else comes by. Thus, you don’t take any of the compliments seriously.
• I’m a bit concern about people trying to sleep with you so soon. I wanted to ask two people what’s my name?
• I wish I would have ran into some bloggers. Thatdude and I met up briefly. He’s a very funny guy. Everyone should meet him
• Sidenote funny: I leave to shower Friday night and my mother is there. I come out she says you have a new text message. I'm like really ( a little nervous, because she has my phone in her hand) I check the phone no new message, but the last message is "I want that d*ck". Lesson to be learned...put a security code on your phone. If you want your mother to keep her bumper stick "my child is an honor roll student" view of you. Also, cut your phone off, so people when people call you at 4 and 5 in the morning you don't look like a whore.
  

thoughts

My mother left a few minutes ago and I miss her. While she was her I was like aahhmm when are you leaving? I realize my mother and I are much closer than I realize. I always thought of us as emotional detached, but we are very much present in each other lives. We talk about everything. She is my ride or die chick...lol.

I want to go back before I heard harsh words and experience spiteful actions, so that I can love people freely. I wish I could go back to the days before I knew we were poor. Life seemed to be so simply back then. Maybe I wouldn't be so monetarily ambitious now. I wish I could go back before I was cautious of religion, God, and the consequences that encompasses all of them. I think I would live more freely. I think so much of me was altered because I tried to be not only want God wanted me to be, but family and friends as well. Anyway, this was just a quick post. I had some things on my mind and I wanted to get it out. My blog is becoming quite therapeutic. Bear with me, I'll be back with my normal post. My emotions are just high now and I can't explain way. Sidenote, I love Color Purple. There is nothing like that scene when they are walking through the yard with the purple flowers. Toni wrote her @** off with that book!

sigh

Playing~"stronger than pride"-Rahsaan Patterson

I had some funny, interesting, and confessional type post, but my mood is completely off now. I'm not sad, but there is this melancholy that exist. You have everything and nothing in particular on your mind. Your future and how it will manifest itself. Money. Sex and sexuality. How can I get paid and have a sense of fulfillment in a job (does this mfer exist). To sum it up you are wondering what type of legacy you will leave. When I die what will they say or what could be said.

Some of these thoughts were ignited by my visit to the King Center today with my mother. I looked at some of the organizations they were involved in or given membership to and I wonder what happen to them. Do they still exist? If so, what in the heck are they doing? I mean, ppl don't take the NAACP seriously anymore. I'm not saying this is no fault of their own, but dang. I feel like I've allowed my vision to get a little cloudy. I completely left my work with AID Atlanta (heck, I just did start it). I do nothing outside of take care of family and friends who should be taken care of their freakin' self. Two years ago, I was always volunteering and helping out in the community. Now, it's all about my personal time and my job (climbing that ladder). I think me being so focus on me is throwing me off focus. Giving of yourself has a 360 effect.

I'm also aggravated with this job thing. I was of the mindset of you go to work and get a check. You don't go to be fulfilled. I'm starting to disagree with myself. You're there a good portion of your conscious day and you should feel a piece of validation and satisfaction out of your efforts.

I'm also dying to discuss my sexuality with my mom. I missed a perfect opportunity and tried to bring it back up, but she kept change the subject. I just want to let her know. Yes, I find some men sexually attractive. I don't know why I feel so strongly about. It probably has something to do with recent events (a whole nother post). I want to discuss it when my roommie isn't here. I want her real reaction. One of my friends thinks I'm crazy. "Life, just let it be understood", but I just want to say it. I only have two friends who are out to their parents.


I'll be back to discuss "how ppl treat you different when they think you have a nice package". "What I liked and dis-liked about my first pride". My drama last weekend, etc there is definitely a lot going on in Life's world.

I also think I'm over my roommate situation. He has done nothing in particular and quite honestly, I'm going to miss him when he moves or I put him out. However, I also realize I need my space. I'm quite the individual. Maybe if he was a part-time roommate..lol (like 3 day out of the week).

Pride in the city

I'll be without internet after today, so I had to post this real quick. I decided to check things out. You know satisfy my curiosity. I had no ideal how far I was about to go. My roomie had every intention of getting out last night, so I accompanied him. I wasn't ready for all of the interesting things that took place. At first, I was getting nothing and my rommie was getting a a holler or two. He was definitely trying to advertise his behind the way he was standing. It worked, but one guy just wanted to cut. He maded it way too evident and that was a turn off. Then, I was molested in the parking lot. These person just took interest in my d*&^* size and took it upon themselves. The flesh is weak.....LAWD! I was turned off and turned on all at the same time. Anyway, I'll follow up

What you know about this

Y'all didn't think he could bring it like this

I'm a celebrity (I guess)

Playing~"The radio"

I think I've become some type of celebrity. Everyone is talking about me at work. Is he gay or Straight? "I don't think he's gay. He's not thuggish, that's all. Girl, my friend said his radar went off when he saw him. Oh." "How old is he?" "He looks young, but he's pretty mature I'm not sure". This is the type of conversation that has been taking place regarding me. I don't know why I'm so interesting to people. I go to work and I leave. I don't eat with people outside of my assistant for the most part. I don't talk about people unless they are doing something outrageous. I think me not addressing it makes it more of a topic. I didn't realize how wide spread it was until someone who doesn't even work with me told me about the conversation they have been privy too. I wasn't phase, but I was a little aggravated. I would think people would have more stuff to do and talk about outside of me. I guess I'm wrong.

Apparently, they were talking before I came to the build (my current job was a internal promotion in the company, but different building). I didn't care until someone who I managed talked to me about it. I was pissed off then. Why would executives gossip to someone that I'm going to be managing? She has ever so slightly tried to get me to talk about the "gay" rumor and I never bite. However, she has stop people from asking me about it. The nerve of these mouth*&^%&*^ what makes you think you can just step to me like that. Anyway, it's slowly starting to get on my nerves because I realize how wide spread the conversation about me are. Plus, this is outright tacky. This is nothing new, but that still doesn't eliminate how annoying it can be. I never address stuff like that. I use to like 3 years ago, but now I don't care enough to address it.

I'm going to be without internet for like 5 days (y'all know I'm going to die). Anyway, how are you guys dealing with your haters?

Life is funny

Playing~"In love with another"-Jasmine S.

Would not it be easy if your heart did exactly what you wanted it to do?

My friend was talking about another friend and myself about porn. "That would do nothing for me blah, blah". Well, like a month later guess who I bust watching it...lmbo

Why did that same friend go to the book store only to find someone masturbating in the back of the store. I was Omg God! Barnes and Nobles is not safe anymore...lol.

Why did he indirectly let the man know he caught him? The man could do nothing, but play innocent and laugh.

It feels so good to see someone who you use to mess with and your doing much better than you were when you all were together.

It funny how important people think they are

It's nothing like someone trying to hide that they are gay and trying to figure out if you are.

I heard Jennifer Hudson is going to be here this weekend. Is that true?

So my friend and I thought we would get into a little something this weekend. We didn't know exactly what we were going to do, but something outside of clubbing. My mom ruined that...lol. She was determined to come this weekend.

I don't know how my roommie and her are going to interact. I'm sure it will be find with some awkward moments here and there. She didn't come my birthday weekend, but she couldn't deal. She doesn't like extra stuff, but overall she likes him. My roommie is my good friend as well, so she has known him for years.

Keeping it real

Playing~just rain dropping on the ground outside of my window

Being authentic is tough. In a world that’s full of derivatives of someone else. As much we use the words “keep it real” we rarely do. It’s a challenge to be honest to the situations you face and the feelings you feel. Our egos and pride absolutely refuses to be vulnerable enough to say “I’m afraid”, “you really hurt when you did/said whatever”, “I have no ideal what I am doing” or “I struggle with ____”. Often times being honest with ourselves will disrupt a great deal of our current state of being. We are so focus on positive thinking and moving onward and upward we become disconnected from reality. We develop our own version of what happen and how we resolved the issues. I definitely believe positive thinking and moving on is great in its place. I definitely have the gift of goodbye. However, often times those characteristics that can be necessary to survive tough situations allow us to move on prematurely. We fail to learn, grow, and heal from all the snares of life. I rarely evolve when I’m coasting. Its times when I’m sad, can’t explain how I feel, or I’m down right confused when I discover my opportunities.

For example, I use to think people were talking about me negatively because they didn’t “understand me” or they were “hating”, but some of those people weren’t stun me. They just so happen to look up when I came in the room. Those were my thoughts and I was projecting those feeling onto them. I was the one who had some self-esteem issues and didn't understand some parts of me. I cloaked those issues with being proud of what I looked liked and who I was. I had to relive those times when people called me all types of names because of one reason or another, which brought on this pseudo confidence, because I absolutely refused to let those mfers know they could get me down, but the truth is they did. Their actions and my response followed me all the way to my sophomore year in college. Feeling and Saying it how you feel may come across as immature, silly, conceited, whatever, but it’s how you feel and that’s as real as it can get (well, at least for you).

Sometimes we lack faith, we fall, we’re anger, we’re depressed and we have to be true to those moments. We need to stop just walking away as if we were not affect, because issues always have away of resurfacing themselves again and again. However, we should not live in any of those places it’s unhealthy, but to deny those places or move on from them like they never exist is unhealthy too. We have to be careful that we don’t keep creating versions of ourselves that are untrue and impossible for us to live up to.

well, well, well

• The word spread about Juanita's beat down so fast. I've never seen people jump on the phone and e-mail so fast to tell people about it. They actually talked about her ministry. How is she a prophetess, but she didn't see that coming. What does this say about the saints?
• The gays and gender roles are quite interesting. One man calling the other man his husband. Some calling themselves ladies...it's a lot going on.
• Why do people think they need to bring their friends with them everywhere they go? AAHHmmm...hello I thought I was meeting YOU!
  
• People trying to hook up with my friend when he just buried his partner. Are you people serious?!
  
• Why do black people have a problem with going to see a therapist? Sometimes talking with Jesus or whomever you talk to isn't enough
• When will we learn it's rarely greener on the other side? It may look pretty, but you will be surprised how ugly pretty can get.
• Comparing ourselves amongst ourselves is so dangerous! It can make you feel arrogant, complacent, and/or inferior. Stick to your own standard and let God/universe give you direction.
• Right guard will have you smelling all wrong...let's stick to Degree.
• Do we really want people to take us as we are? I think people should enter our lives to help us grow and enhance us. If not, what are they there for?

It's been over a year!

Well, I'll be darn! I've been living in Atlanta for a whole year. This was my first time leaving my family and all things familiar. I wanted to be here and I made it happen. I'm proud of that fact. Since I've been here I think I've evolved. A lot of people noticed a difference in me and I noticed it as well. No matter how I try to deny it. I've always came across knowledgeable, mature, and practical when I spoke and hung out with people (despite this blog being frivolous from time to time). I think that's why most of my good friends are older than me. However, I must admit I am a little less experience in something than most people my age. I think this past year I chipped away at some of the inexperience. In many ways I'm still the same guy. The church boy part of me is still evident, but it's not as dominate as it once was. I'm still a little too cautious and calculated. I can't help it. Maybe it's an only child thing...hhhmmm.

I enjoy the city. This city has a lot of events all of the time. The job market kinda sucks! What's up with that? Maybe there is an over saturation of educated people here???? The city for the most part is governed well. The traffic is crazy. The people are nice and friendly generally speaking. Atlanta cost of living is pretty good. Overall I'm satisfied with Atlanta

Just thinking

Playing~”Family Guy”; “ Love, need and want you”-Patti

• Who is ready for Jill Scott’s return?
• A wise man brought up a good point today. He said women are taught how to maintain relationships, but men are only taught to obtain them. I paraphrased what he said, but that was the gist of it.
• My friends have really been giving me a lot of feedback. They talk about me so badly. They completely told me why I’m single. When I went to a concert they pointed out some guys who just stood their like they were real hot and you approach me attitude. I really don’t think that’s me though, because I was like ugh. I’m a little shy, but not arrogant.
• My roommate and I use each other from time to time (nothing remotely sexual is going on). We both need somebody. I don’t know when I gained this need, because it so not me. Ugh he is rubbing off on me! He finds it funny, because he knows this is not my style.
• I went out the other night and I was robbed. OMG…these people charged me $40 to go into their establishment. I have never heard of anything like this before in my life. I only paid because a GREAT friend was visiting from out of town and I was trying to get him out. I’m going to be pissed about that for a week.
• Everyone says I’m growing up, but I don’t know what I’m doing. Some things I’m experimenting with seem to be regressive. I don’t know. For example, going to that club…wtbleep. I don’t go to clubs, and then I paid $40 for 1hr and 20 mins. Plus, the place was weak. The music was alright, but it was too many men. I was like ugh I could have gone to a gay club for this. I cussed the other day too. I need to have a come to Jesus meeting (in the words of my girl Oprah). My friend back home laughs me out saying I like this sinful life.
• Amy Winehouse “tears dry on their on” rides does it not?
• Speaking of riding music Kelly Roland “work” is HOT!
• My bad luck continues I was pulled over by the cops and given a ticket for a tail-light. WHAT! I think if I show them I repaired it I will not have to pay anything. Does anyone know how that works?
• I’ve been very introspective lately. Wondering about life and all of its twist and turns. I fear being poor.
• I don’t know if I’m going to go out with this girl anymore. I feel like she is getting a free ride. I don’t like that feeling. We’re just friends
• What do you guys think of the Altima coupe?
• I have a strong desire to go back to school again. I just don’t know how to live the lifestyle I desire (nothing extravagant) and be a full time student.
• Did anyone go to that SOS concert?
• I swear my roommate/friend has given everyone my number back home. Y’all know I don’t talk to people like that.

Playing~”Right Back to you”-Eric Roberson

random nothingness

• Is not it funny how people try to crash at your place on the gay weekends (MLK, Labor day), but when you let them know you are moving labor weekend they magically find somewhere else to stay. B**&% help me move!
• I have been having the worst luck. I lost my cell phone and my bluetooth. Plus, my tire went flat. I swear it has something to do with me keeping $1.50 that wasn't mine..lol
• Watching me and my bbf/roommate change a tire while it was 100 degrees outside was quite the comic relief.
• What made it worst was my friend yelling out "I need a man, I can't do this type of mess". I was crying laughing. I was amused, shocked, and embarrassed all at the same time.
• Does anybody know where you can get your resume worked on? I really have to find a new J O B.
• Does anyone have that one person that makes you smile even though you know you will never date them again. * sigh* I don't know why she is so special to me.
  
• *edit* I received a call saying they have my phone. Well, I be darn! After two days of calling I brought a new phone with all the accessories aint this a b*&^%
  

Got darn Atlanta

I went out to a club for the first time last week. Well, it was a concert at a club. I thought I would avoid drama by doing so, because I've heard of the drama that takes place in the club. In spite of all of my good work. I still ran into drama. During the last performance of the night. This lady decided she wanted to be at the very front of the stage. She forces her way through the crowd and everyone is like what's her problem. Well, an associate of mine wasn't having it. They get into it I don't get involve, because it's not worth it. Then, I see the lady mouth "touch me again I'm going to beat your a**". Then, her short boyfriend is in my associates face. I'm like oh darn. I go to bring reason to the whole ordeal. Clearly, this hood chick doesn't want a resolution and her boyfriend is going to back her up regardless. As I'm trying to calm things down I quickly check things out, because I see it's about to go down regardless. One, he has a bottled turned upside down and a beer in the other. The associate of mine didn't even notice he was so busy arguing. I'm really trying to calm things down now, because he has a weapon. I finally got things under control, but this hood chick wouldn't let it go. I try to get the bouncer involve they tell me the police are outside. I just threw my hands up. I just told you these people have bottles and they are confronting my friend. I was so done. what puts the icing on the cake is his friend disappears. I don't know him that well, but I wasn't going to let these people jump him. All I want to say is Atlanta Club owners are something else and these scary a** friends suck.

IT'S YOUR FAULT!!!!

Playing~"Is she the reason"-Destiny's Child

I'm so sick of people playing victim. People place blame on everyone and everything, but themselves. Yes, things and people influence our decisions, but YOU MAKE THE DECISION. Stop freakin' complaining when you decided to do something and it didn't work out the way you wanted it to work out. Man the bleep up. Stop having these pity parties. Pull yourself up, encourage yourself, evaluation your life circumstances, and make different choices. We all have our moments, but darn. It's your life-run it!

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly

I'm always a fan of the underdog who has talent. Thus, I kinda support Kelly. The truth of the matter is she has more range than Beyonce, but some kinda way you rarely see it showcased, but I have a video that proves it (Beyonce is louder, but watch how they always harmonize around her and she never leaves the middle. Also, watch how Kelly takes the bottom and ends up on top with a crazy note at the end). I'm not quite sure why we don't see her sing like this live or on her personal albums. I didn't buy the album when it came out, because it was full price and I can't support foolishness. Who releases their album full price? Anyway, I have been persuaded by a great friend of mine to support it. I was sold when I checked out her AOL session, so I'm going to get the album. She needs to give us a strong ballad and really sing on it. She also needs to do more rolling, riffing, and scatting. It works people go for it and they think you really can sing. She is too plain when it comes to singing. I want her to really serve it up. She also needs stronger content in her songs. Go to Babyface Kelly. I'm loving the new confidence and "grown woman" she is giving us with those sexy legs. Hell, if Letoya Luckett could go platinum, Kelly should double that. Letoya barely can hold her notes live. Her background has to sing certain parts of her song and everything. I want to see her tonight, but I can't find anyone who is available and/or has the money.

One of those days

"I ain't never love a man"-Aretha Franklin

I had a chance to view some documents today. It's interesting to find out about your heritage. When people asked me about the spelling of my name or my facial feature I never had an explanation. I abbreviated my name altogether. People always wonder about my strong facial features (my cheek bones in particular) and I finally have something to tell them. For some reason people thought I was African or from the Caribbean, but after reading this I realize my great-great-grandmother was 100% Creek Indian. I'm not sure if that would have a strong influence on my appearance, but it gives me some explanation. I definitely caught that short gene she cursed me with (I'm 5'8). However, I look a lot like my dad, so I wonder what's his genetic make up? All of them are tall and dark skin. I missed the tall, but I did get the dark skin. I'm not close with them at all. I was once upon, but I outgrew my father's lies and now he dead. I became close with them for a short season after that, then we went back to our regular lives without each other.

It's one of those days when you contemplate your life and why you have that "something is missing" feeling. Two things stood out when it comes to missing. One being the job and the other is social/love life. I think I just need a job that actually means something. I need to do something that helps people or at the very least makes me feel like I went to college for something. Two the social aspect is something I directly affect, so there is nothing to talk about there just fix it.

sigh same ole same ole

Playing~"ring the alarm"

It's been a minute, but you have not missed much. I've been working like a dog. It's crazy! I haven't been anywhere since last week. I basically let my supervisor know today don't call me with simple sh*t. I'm doing what couldn't be done in years (2.5 to be exact) with less help. Try to replace me! He kinda shut up after that conversation.

My living situation is a like/hate thing. I think our two biggest challenges are money and lack of consideration. I must admit. I didn't know he was coming to me broke. I mean no money!!!!!!! I have moments of anger when it comes to that. I just can't take a broke man. For me to come home and see a man sitting here after working all day gives me that attitude of "you lazy mother******". Lack of consideration is just aggravating to me . I come home and I'm beat. I voice this and lay down that means you should leave me and the vicinity I'm in. He will keep using the computer, sing (loudly sometimes), or whatever else is going on that day. Sometimes I say "you have got to be joking" other times I just have an attitude like are you stupid or I can't even say what I need to say right now, because I'm going to be nasty to you, so I'm going to ignore you until I get my words right. One problem is going to work themselves out. One he has a job. Well, he just was hired, so he will start soon.

Random:
Who has your vote on Making the Band 4?

The best weekend ever?

Playing~”I should be your man”-Rahbi

Okay, everything was not shot to hell this weekend. Actually, it was a pretty good weekend. In my attempt to make this weekend the best weekend ever I attended several events. Let’s start with Thursday. I went to what I thought was a soul event. I walked in and turned right back around. It was a complete bust and I didn’t wait for the acts I would enjoy.

Friday night was fair. I went to an event with poets, singers, and other (I can’t think of a category to put some of the artist). I drove pass the place like 2 times getting lost both times, because I was shocked by the location. I thought it would have been at some night club/bar, but I was completely misinformed. It was in someone’s apartment that was set up like an intimate club. I came to see Georgia Me speak, but it was taken way too long for her to come up and I was hungry ( we went and got us some Glady’s and Ron’s).

Saturday was the best! First, I went to the event in Stone Mountain and I was in for a treat. When I arrived Sunshine Anderson was performing and I thought to myself "this might be about something". Then, I hear the announcement that Rahsaan Patterson is the next act. My best friend and current roommate look at each in shock. Rahsaan!!!! He loses his mind and I’m playing it cool. He is literally kicking and screaming in a towel. At that moment, I realize I don’t have my bleeping camera! He performed 4 songs (where you are, so fine, spend the night, and something else). He was suppose to do more, but I think he could fight the heat. Then, I was in for another shocker Donald Lawrence and his singers performed. I was done for the day. However, I was determined to keep the weekend flowing. I decided to go to a Harmony in Life event. I really enjoyed myself there. My rommie was done. His energy was shot after being outside all day and he was busy chit chatting with this bi-curious boy which is driving me up the wall. He would regret it when I told him Rahsaan showed up at the club. I thought he was going to jump in a cab or something. I would have at least took a picture for him, but I left my freakin' camera again. *beyond pissed at this point* The performers were great (PJ Morton, Rahbi, Shamora, Eric Roberson, etc)! thebrotherlove has the list in its entirety. Anyone who knows me knows I love live music, so I was really in a state of euphoria after the day of events. Outside of the fact I wasn’t hollered at once the whole weekend. Granted, Saturday I wasn’t completely dressed to impressed, but I was still together. My feet hurt from those freakin’ shoes for a few hours after the event (my rommie mad me wear them).

Sunday, I went and gave thanks at church and relaxed all day. Today, I haven’t done a thing. I feel like such a loser. I need to do something. I didn’t find a date, but I did enjoy myself. My best friend and I both are confused. We thought we would run into someone by now. How can you not meet a guy in Atlanta? Then, again, we haven’t ran into a lot guys in one particular place, which is also confusing us. I thought there were a lot of gays here. sighs

To give you a taste of what I experienced

Eric Roberson


Rahbi


PJ Morton


Rahsaan Patterson

What's going on?!

My mission for this weekend failed. I didn’t meet anyone on the romantic tip. There is definitely something wrong with this city. THERE IS A MAJOR PROBLEM! I can’t get a date. This is unbelievable. To put it plain and simple I’m a bad a** motherfucker. I have my own shit. I’m not interested in hold or borrowing any of yours. I do not need some one to come and complete me or rescue me for that matter. I’m quite assured all by myself. However, you should compliment me. Challenge me for Christ sake! I’m not interested in being your lady. I want to be your man. I can carry a conversation and most likely have something intelligent to say. I’m sensitive to your feeling and insightful enough to make sure your feelings don’t become stumble blocks to fulfilling your vision. I’ve held out to ensure that nobody can lay claim to this body, but I’m sure after things go down you’ll feel like a champ. I can roll a blunt with the best; however, I don’t smoke. I’ll support when you’re right and I’ll correct you when you’re wrong no matter how passionate you are about a subject, because I care too much to allow you raise hell in error. I can hold my own in the street, classroom, and at work. At 3:36 am in the morning, I’m sitting here trying to figure out why in the hell am I single? I encompass all of this and I’m cute. I’m sure someone is reading this and saying that they can do all of this things, but I know everything I wrote on this page is true. I’m every real nigga’s dream ( I know I shouldn’t use that word, but I’m ranting) and I’m still single. Usually I don't trip on this single thing, but I'm starting to realize I'm getting older and I have yet to have a serious relationship. It concers me

This weekend

I'm trying to make this the best weekend ever. I'm not starting off to a good start...booo. I have my haircut, so you know I think I'm hot, right? I'm telling you, a cut does wonders. I'm going to do a little shopping (bump the budget this weekend is for me). The ultimate goal this weekend is to meet someone. My friend is going to hold me accountable. I tried last night, but ended up at the right place, but at the wrong time. Anyway, any happenings going on this weekend let me know

Okay, I need to clear somethings up. There are a few things that have been misconstrued. One, the domestic relationship I was talking about in a previous post was regarding one of my best friend who moved in with me. I'm not shacking with anyone. I'm yet single, which I need to change this week. I need a date for an upcoming event. Two, Plan B is not a victim or anything. I think people (well, one person in particular) completely missed my points. Plan B wasn't my Plan B. Heck, if anything I was his Plan B. He is the one who hit me with the surprise of a boyfriend like a month and half after we met. Oh I'm sorry, it wasn't his boyfriend, it was his "friend" who he says he was exclusive with, but was constantly trying to figure out ways to get with me. Please explain that one to me. I want something for my birthday, because I got him something.

Two strange things have happen today. One, I got a text from his "friend" asking why I'm being a stranger. Two, the person who was down right adamant about us meeting called today and tried to discuss us, but was interrupted. He let me know he is calling back to discuss it.

I had to let my best friend know today that I do plan on putting him out when the schedule time arises whether he is ready or not (in the nicest way of course). I love him, but he definitely has to get more aggressive and ambitious about his future. Anyway, I'll be back. I just wanted to clear the air.

The truth is

"Beautiful Ones"-Prince
I miss Plan B (just a little). I kinda got use to the calls, lunch dates, the miscellaneous flirting, etc. I guess I shouldn't say miss. It may not be the most fitting word, but he has definitely ran across my mind this week. I didn't realize we had not spoken to each other in a month. I don't think the situation was the best one, but we definitely shared some good times. My friend tells me to let the power struggle go and pick up the phone. I refuse!!!! He doesn't want to talk to me, because I didn't want to talk to him for a period and time. I think the separation is for the best, but I wish it would had happen after we work on some stuff for me and my birthday passed. What makes matter worse is I haven't found a replacement. That's the real problem!!!!! I need to acknowledge brothers and give the permission to approach me. I need to be open.