sigh

Playing~"stronger than pride"-Rahsaan Patterson

I had some funny, interesting, and confessional type post, but my mood is completely off now. I'm not sad, but there is this melancholy that exist. You have everything and nothing in particular on your mind. Your future and how it will manifest itself. Money. Sex and sexuality. How can I get paid and have a sense of fulfillment in a job (does this mfer exist). To sum it up you are wondering what type of legacy you will leave. When I die what will they say or what could be said.

Some of these thoughts were ignited by my visit to the King Center today with my mother. I looked at some of the organizations they were involved in or given membership to and I wonder what happen to them. Do they still exist? If so, what in the heck are they doing? I mean, ppl don't take the NAACP seriously anymore. I'm not saying this is no fault of their own, but dang. I feel like I've allowed my vision to get a little cloudy. I completely left my work with AID Atlanta (heck, I just did start it). I do nothing outside of take care of family and friends who should be taken care of their freakin' self. Two years ago, I was always volunteering and helping out in the community. Now, it's all about my personal time and my job (climbing that ladder). I think me being so focus on me is throwing me off focus. Giving of yourself has a 360 effect.

I'm also aggravated with this job thing. I was of the mindset of you go to work and get a check. You don't go to be fulfilled. I'm starting to disagree with myself. You're there a good portion of your conscious day and you should feel a piece of validation and satisfaction out of your efforts.

I'm also dying to discuss my sexuality with my mom. I missed a perfect opportunity and tried to bring it back up, but she kept change the subject. I just want to let her know. Yes, I find some men sexually attractive. I don't know why I feel so strongly about. It probably has something to do with recent events (a whole nother post). I want to discuss it when my roommie isn't here. I want her real reaction. One of my friends thinks I'm crazy. "Life, just let it be understood", but I just want to say it. I only have two friends who are out to their parents.


I'll be back to discuss "how ppl treat you different when they think you have a nice package". "What I liked and dis-liked about my first pride". My drama last weekend, etc there is definitely a lot going on in Life's world.

I also think I'm over my roommate situation. He has done nothing in particular and quite honestly, I'm going to miss him when he moves or I put him out. However, I also realize I need my space. I'm quite the individual. Maybe if he was a part-time roommate..lol (like 3 day out of the week).