Get Real

"My Love"-Jill Scott

I just finish watching a movie called Get Real on Logo. It's a tale of two young men who become attracted to each other. One is a shy guy who is sure of his sexuality and the other is a jock who is confused about the whole thing. I was completely attentive to this movie. It tells the story that so many of us have experienced. All of us have played the role of the jock and/or the shy guy (I've been both) at some point or another. Most of us were the shy guy and we fell for the jock. The guy who nobody suspected and he trusted us to keep it that way. Typically, we find ourselves in this situation between adolescence and early adulthood. Sigh, the things we put up with for moments with our jock. This movie made me go back to a place I rarely visit. I thought to myself I've been there, have you?

exhale....I woke up this morning with the spirit of thanksgiving. I feel so blessed and my faith ensures me things are going to turn around. I hope everyone is feeling empowered today. If not, do something about it!

random thoughts

Playing~"My love"-Jill Scott (I'm listening to the album now and so far so great!)

• All of those darn people and the young man is still locked up...can you believe this?! I told people making a real impact is going to take more than marching down there and wearing all black on one day.
  
• Someone broke into my car last week, ain't that some crap! They didn't break anything or steal anything...weird right? I think it was a bum who was looking for some money or something lucrative...sorry. The only thing they did was create quite the mess in my car.
• It's really not cute to realize that you've been played way after it has happen. Darn these pseudo-good boys. I consider myself played if I didn't get as much as I gave. There I was thinking I was cute. I guess there is a first time for everything. Yes, I keep track of what you gave and what I gave ever so slightly, but you would never know.
  
• I finally address issues at work. I think you guys knew that was coming after my misunderstood post. It was done very tactfully and professionally, but I realize some people are just messy and they can't help it. I took a few stabs during my address to my co-workers, but I kept my conversation direct and to the point.
• It's weird when you have someone who treats you well, but you're still attached to the person who treated you bad. WTF is that about?
• Do you believe certain painful events leave scars on you physically? You know, how you can mention a certain experience and you feel it in your gut or where ever.
• Alicia Keys "No One" is becoming my sh*t.
• What do you do when a couple wants you? I'm not talking about together, but each of them wants you for themselves and they think the other doesn't know. Do you tell, just run away from both of them, or have a grand time..lol?
• Oh I felt so flirtatious today. I mean, I was ready to throw coy out of the window and just be in your face with it. I had to consciously pull myself back from eating this one guy up who made a particular inquiry and comment about me. I did look at him with eyes of bring your @** over here, so I can say something. He became coy, but he is so rough...how cute. He's not my type really, but I was on the prowl. Forget the good boy thing today...lol.

Playing "All I"-Jill Scott

Easy Conversation

Playing~"resentment"-Jazmin S.

One thing I really enjoy about my friends is that we allow each other to be transparent without judgment. We share some of the most tacky, vulnerable, embarrassing, and happiest moments with each other. I think we don't judge each other because we realize that could have been me. I could have made that decision. This doesn't mean we agree on everything, but we respectfully agree to disagree. My friends really don't inter mingle. Outside of rommie/myself/and nosey (he found my blog...he probably is reading now).

Anyway, this question came up when rommie and I were having a moment. What three songs describe your past, present, and life? I pondered a minute and this was my response:

Past: "Be Happy"-Mary J. Blige
This song is my past and sometimes my present song, because that is my desire. When I was younger I always had that feeling of when will I truly be happy. I'm not talking about a moment or a week, but being a happy person (feeling that oneness). The things I did to feel love, happy in my adolescence/early teens years I don't talk about to this day. However, currently I feel pretty darn happy and I'm very comfortable in my own skin.

Present:"Wide Open Spaces" Dixie Chicks
This song fits so well, because it talks about someone going out on their own and making good and bad choices. I feel like I'm definitely in that state. I've always been pretty independent and my own person (sometimes to a fault), but I'm currently choosing my life path. Setting the tone for my future and who I want to be.

Life: "The Rose"-Bette Midler
The words to this song describe my life pretty freakin' well. It's about a person who never experiences life in it's full because they're afraid of all of the consequence that could come with budding. I'm the right down the middle type of guy. I, more than like, always take the safe route in life. I'm very much of the persuasion "if I made the decision, I will pay the price". I don't play the woe is me game. I did it and I will pay the price for whatever I did. Because of that I make decisions with the consequences in mind for the most part. Thus, I rarely do anything that's out there, so I always get mediocre results.

What are your three songs and why did you choose them?

Misunderstood

-sing Nina Simone

I don't know when I developed this, but over the years I've just become this person who is just happy to be in the number (docile even). I typically take the high road when people do silly or not so silly crap. Then, every now and again I get pissed. I get tired of being the nice guy and over looking over blatant bullsh*t for the sake of people/work/whatever. I just want to say things like I feel them. In these moments anybody has the potential to get regulated on. I'm in one of those moments. Typically, I begin analyzing things all the way around and I feel tried all the way around. Then, I just start calling ppl out on their sh*t. Then, I become the not so nice black guy at work and ppl begin to slow their role altogether when it comes to me, because I'm not having the bullsh*t. *yelling*

Atlanta

Playing~"All I"-Jill Scott (I'm itching for this album at this point)

I've been here for a year and a month. I don't regret this move at all. I think I've changed in some ways, but for the most part I'm the same ol' Life. I definitely take a few more chances here than I think I would have taken back home. For the most part, I've been pretty successful. I've been promoted a few times. I've been able to sustain myself financially and others (in some cases), so it's been a prosperous time overall. My two biggest challenges have been finding some friends up here and getting connected to the city.

Meeting people here is a challenge. I'm accustom to a setting (i.e. college). I'm personable, but I'm definitely not very quick to befriend people. We all know those people who get too comfortable with you way too quickly. I don't want to be that guy, so I prefer to give you not enough than too much. I usually meet people through some type of work I do (i.e. church, club, organization). I'm not connected to any of those things up here. Everyone knows I'm a solo artist, but when I'm out having fun sometimes I need someone to converse with. You know, "oh look over there, no not him, him." someone to cut a two step with when your jam come on. Feeling this way inspired my previous post, but it's all good. I don't have a sad story. I still go out from time to time. One of my best friends & current roomie is here, so he gives me some connection. We are quite different from each other, which can be interesting from time to time, but over all we definitely identify with each other on some critical points in life and most importantly, I know he has my back no matter what. We all know that's hard to find these days, so if you do work through whatever else.

One thing I can say about Atlanta is there is always something going on. You might not know about it, but there is something going on. I love it, but I rarely enjoy it. I work in a seven day a week business and the job doesn't stop at 5, so I miss a lot of events due to work. Plus, sometimes I'm just beat down physically or emotionally from work and other times I just want to be alone. On top of that, I'm not connected to anything in particular, so sometimes I just completely miss the event all together. I'm not sure how to fix this problem outside of get another job and really get some friends who like to go out. I've met a potential friend, but I think he might be a little mess, so I'm passing.

Anyway, what challenges are you guys facing in your current city? I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR BLACK ON!

Outside

"Irreversibly Falling in between and it's hard to be understood as you are, and God knows that you're standing on your own"

-Mariah Carey "outside"

I had never heard this song by Mariah Carey until a year ago, but someone was talking about how deep the song is. Of course, they played it, because they are in love with her. The song is talking about being neither here or there, not fitting anywhere in particular and accepting it.

I've been "the outsider" all my life. Even though for most of my life I was very popular, I always felt like someone who was looking in. I'm cool with being an outsider, but I have days when I ask why can't I just fit in a little better. Why do I have all these facets, it aggravates me from time to time. My friends think I'm mysterious for some reason. I tell them everything (just about) and sometimes I tell them too much, but they still feel like I’m this complex person. I'm not! The more honest I am the more people misunderstand. Everyone appreciates my blunt, yet, tactful approach. I think we have become so accustom to reading into what people are saying we read too deep. I believe in somethings and at times things conflict. Most times I’m going to choose the safe route. I'm usually never extreme one way or another, which often times leave me on the outside. For example, I am a man, but I'm not crazy over sports, video games, or women. I don’t think the conversation will go very smoothly when they are talking about a play and the cheerleaders and I’m asking what play that was and yeah, she’s cute, but so is number 10. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss your outfit and boys all day either.

Every now and then I just get away from everyone and really don't talk to anyone, because I'm in a zone. During those times I'm gathering myself, evaluating where I am, who I am, who is surrounding me, what they are bringing and taking. And I always come to the conclusion that most (90%) of these people do not fit me well. Most of them are extreme version of me in one area or another. I can't find someone in the middle with me. I'm not saying that their opinions and actions are lacking diversity; they’re just different from me in some way that is a major part of MY TRUTH. They are too much of this or not enough of that. However, a good percentage of these people have my best interest in mind, so I keep them around. We all know it’s really hard to find people who are in your corner. I'm finding a lot of people aren't comfortable with just being them or they are not sure who they are. If I shared that, I’m sure some of them would be offended. And the ones who know who they are have tendency to be too much, I do not know, maybe I'm the problem, but this is my bottom line (I've been rambling for too long). It's tough to be the one who is neither here or there. You never fit well! I say well because I think no one will fit perfectly with anyone you have to work at it. And if you think it's perfect, give it time. Well, I asked this question to the person who is in love with the song, "Do you think it's best to keep things to yourself?" Their response was yes, somethings you keep to yourself, because people may not be able to handle all of you. Are you the outsider? How do you cope? Any feedback is good.

Pay attention

Have you guys seen this article ? I usually don't write about general topics outside of myself on this blog, but this article kinda caught more than my attention. We all have been affected or effected by this disease (HIV/AIDS). What are you doing or have done to effect this issue?

I don't know if people have been paying attention to the Jena 6 case, but I'm beyond amazed at how everything is being handle. Did they really take it this far? Attempted Murder..get the heck out of here.

catching you up

This post is old news, but I want to address these events anyway.

• First, the power of the penis. Alexis may have a point in her crazy bantering. Let’s address the guy in the parking lot. I talked to this guy at most 30 mins. and he was trying to have sex with me in the parking lot (well, in his car). I leave after I received a brotherly hug, which turned out to be a ploy to massage my penis and lick me on the neck. I’m laughing and shocked at this point. He was persistent all throughout the night via text message, but I finally had to admit to him….I’m not that kinda guy, sorry. Second incident that proves the penis has power. I’ve known this person (who I’ll call BB) for about 5 months and we never paid each other much attention. Well, I go to this dinner party last week and he’s there (sidenote I met him through Plan B, which is an issue for me). I get to the party last min. just enough to speak and take pictures. Around 4 am I get a text from BB and to make a long story short it came down to I saw your print and I think we should mess around. Once again, I kinda let the opportunity pass because I’m not that guy. Plus, I’ve never been with a guy before and I don’t want my first time to some fling…yuck. All of these options are tempting, but I can’t allow myself to go there.
• What are you thoughts on domestic violence (male-on-male)? One person is quite antagonizing and the other person typically just takes whatever the other dishes out, but ever so often (like every couple of years) they respond and it’s violent. They’re somewhat equally balanced with stature, but one person can fight much better. The person who attacked knows they were wrong and feels bad, but what blows me is the person who lost considerably in the fight took a lot of the blame. I get that he's the antagonizer, but darn.
• I moved recently and when I tell you I had drama. The apartment complex didn’t have my apartment ready and decided to tell me the day before. They tried to do a quick fix—didn’t work. One day later we couldn’t take it anymore and go off. They called the police on my mother, but they did move me after she went crazy. Then, they decided not to pay for all of the expenses they caused. I lose it. Everything is alright now, but I haven’t received any justice. The corporate office refuses to call me and I refuse to talk to anyone in the office at this point.
• I didn’t experience pride in its fullness, but I did do some parking lot pimpin’…lol. I already told you about Friday night. Saturday night wasn't as eventful, but I have some notes.
• It’s not about how attractive you are. The most important thing is appearing available and approachable. Some really cute guys never were approached, but some not so cute guys were being hollered at left and right.
• These men are full sh*t. They say all types of crap. They find something about you that’s better than average and they just compliment you until you walk away and someone else comes by. Thus, you don’t take any of the compliments seriously.
• I’m a bit concern about people trying to sleep with you so soon. I wanted to ask two people what’s my name?
• I wish I would have ran into some bloggers. Thatdude and I met up briefly. He’s a very funny guy. Everyone should meet him
• Sidenote funny: I leave to shower Friday night and my mother is there. I come out she says you have a new text message. I'm like really ( a little nervous, because she has my phone in her hand) I check the phone no new message, but the last message is "I want that d*ck". Lesson to be learned...put a security code on your phone. If you want your mother to keep her bumper stick "my child is an honor roll student" view of you. Also, cut your phone off, so people when people call you at 4 and 5 in the morning you don't look like a whore.
  

thoughts

My mother left a few minutes ago and I miss her. While she was her I was like aahhmm when are you leaving? I realize my mother and I are much closer than I realize. I always thought of us as emotional detached, but we are very much present in each other lives. We talk about everything. She is my ride or die chick...lol.

I want to go back before I heard harsh words and experience spiteful actions, so that I can love people freely. I wish I could go back to the days before I knew we were poor. Life seemed to be so simply back then. Maybe I wouldn't be so monetarily ambitious now. I wish I could go back before I was cautious of religion, God, and the consequences that encompasses all of them. I think I would live more freely. I think so much of me was altered because I tried to be not only want God wanted me to be, but family and friends as well. Anyway, this was just a quick post. I had some things on my mind and I wanted to get it out. My blog is becoming quite therapeutic. Bear with me, I'll be back with my normal post. My emotions are just high now and I can't explain way. Sidenote, I love Color Purple. There is nothing like that scene when they are walking through the yard with the purple flowers. Toni wrote her @** off with that book!

sigh

Playing~"stronger than pride"-Rahsaan Patterson

I had some funny, interesting, and confessional type post, but my mood is completely off now. I'm not sad, but there is this melancholy that exist. You have everything and nothing in particular on your mind. Your future and how it will manifest itself. Money. Sex and sexuality. How can I get paid and have a sense of fulfillment in a job (does this mfer exist). To sum it up you are wondering what type of legacy you will leave. When I die what will they say or what could be said.

Some of these thoughts were ignited by my visit to the King Center today with my mother. I looked at some of the organizations they were involved in or given membership to and I wonder what happen to them. Do they still exist? If so, what in the heck are they doing? I mean, ppl don't take the NAACP seriously anymore. I'm not saying this is no fault of their own, but dang. I feel like I've allowed my vision to get a little cloudy. I completely left my work with AID Atlanta (heck, I just did start it). I do nothing outside of take care of family and friends who should be taken care of their freakin' self. Two years ago, I was always volunteering and helping out in the community. Now, it's all about my personal time and my job (climbing that ladder). I think me being so focus on me is throwing me off focus. Giving of yourself has a 360 effect.

I'm also aggravated with this job thing. I was of the mindset of you go to work and get a check. You don't go to be fulfilled. I'm starting to disagree with myself. You're there a good portion of your conscious day and you should feel a piece of validation and satisfaction out of your efforts.

I'm also dying to discuss my sexuality with my mom. I missed a perfect opportunity and tried to bring it back up, but she kept change the subject. I just want to let her know. Yes, I find some men sexually attractive. I don't know why I feel so strongly about. It probably has something to do with recent events (a whole nother post). I want to discuss it when my roommie isn't here. I want her real reaction. One of my friends thinks I'm crazy. "Life, just let it be understood", but I just want to say it. I only have two friends who are out to their parents.


I'll be back to discuss "how ppl treat you different when they think you have a nice package". "What I liked and dis-liked about my first pride". My drama last weekend, etc there is definitely a lot going on in Life's world.

I also think I'm over my roommate situation. He has done nothing in particular and quite honestly, I'm going to miss him when he moves or I put him out. However, I also realize I need my space. I'm quite the individual. Maybe if he was a part-time roommate..lol (like 3 day out of the week).

Pride in the city

I'll be without internet after today, so I had to post this real quick. I decided to check things out. You know satisfy my curiosity. I had no ideal how far I was about to go. My roomie had every intention of getting out last night, so I accompanied him. I wasn't ready for all of the interesting things that took place. At first, I was getting nothing and my rommie was getting a a holler or two. He was definitely trying to advertise his behind the way he was standing. It worked, but one guy just wanted to cut. He maded it way too evident and that was a turn off. Then, I was molested in the parking lot. These person just took interest in my d*&^* size and took it upon themselves. The flesh is weak.....LAWD! I was turned off and turned on all at the same time. Anyway, I'll follow up