This place I'm in

Playing~"Perfect"-Simple Plan

I'm in that weird place of being too large for the place I'm in, too mature to go back to my past, and what's ahead is an enigma. My past is something that made me into the wonderful person I am. 6 years ago I was this young man solely focused on God. Very discipline and hungry to grow spiritually. Sometimes putting unnecessary restraints on myself, because I thought sacrifice was the way to grow spiritual. 4 years ago, I was a sophomore in college and I was questioning everything. My spiritual life wasn't my sole focus anymore (it was still a focus of mine). My personal growth and acceptance became my main focus. 2 years ago, my spiritual life was out of Wack, but still guided most of my decisions. My social life was hard for me to keep up with. Now, after two years of strugglin' to regain my focus and motivation I'm here. Trying to figure out where I fit in at. How do I balance my conservative religious beliefs with the my desire to explore life on my terms? How do I stay relevant with very close friends when our conversations are so different? How do I explore a relationship when depending on the day I want a different sex? You know a new year always brings about heavy thinking.

Pursuit of Happyness

I have been feeling so good lately. You know the feeling....it's when your mind, body, and soul are at peace with each other. I've had this feeling for about a week. I've only had one disturbance. My "outing" on Friday night. I knew things were going too good. We had been trying to figure out a date when we could hang out for awhile. Finally, I arranged something and everything was set. Of course, the "outing" I planned wouldn't happen. Her car breaks down! I promise almost every date I have tried to have since 9th grade falls through (me and the woman folk..jeez). What is it about me and dates? I was determine to see "pursuit of Happyness", so I went alone. Yep, I went to the movies alone. I guess there is a first time for everything. It was too late to call someone and I only know a handful of people in Atlanta, so I concluded, I would go on my own. It's a good thing I went on my own. It took me 2 hours and several trips to different movie theatres to see it. The movie wasn't all that entertaining, but it was a powerful story. There were moments that I thought... "hey, I've had that exact thought" or "My father and I had moments like that".

One thing that was enforced to me was... you have to make your life happen. DREAM BIG AND BE TENACIOUS!

Track~"Be happy"-Mary (This is definitely one of my top 3 favorites from her)

I feel good all over

Reasons why:

• I got a hair cut! I'm hurt'em
• Got off early today
• I feel renewed!
• I'm getting my new bed.
  
• I sent off my tithe.
• I drop some unnecessary mess!
• I feel spiritually intune.
• I'm looking so FINE!
• I beat this cold that was trying to come on me.
• I have some money in the bank.
• Found an event to go to tomorrow (finally)!
• I have tomorrow off!
• Did I mention.....I have a hair cut and I'm looking H O T

In other news:
Someone has created a little toy for your IPOD. You can now attach a vibrator to your IPOD
Mary J., Fantasia, and Young Jezzy albums come out today!

Gotta have faith

In the atomosphere "I'm done"-Tweet

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure"

I was expose to this poem in high school, but I was re-exposed during my process. Then, it was real to me. This poem calls us out. We allow fear to paralyze us and keep us from completing task we are well able to conquer. We allow the what ifs of to take complete control. What will people think? What if it doesn't work? F E A R is False Evidence Appearing Real and I have to stop buying into the illusion. I am a logical and strategic person, so if either is shakey...I'm out.

I remember singing in this group. The note wasn't very high, but it was a note I never had to hit before, so I didn't put much effort into singing it. I was off key and everything and I preferred to stay right there, because I was afraid to try and possibly sound a mess. The director stepped in my face and said you can hit this note. I debated with him about me hitting it. "I don't want to sound stupid." His rebutle "you already sound stupid". I was kinda shocked, but I just stop singing. In that moment, I allowed fear to cripple me. I have to excercise some faith. I need to take a risk from time to time. If I don't, I will stay at this job, my social circle will be non-existent ( I recently moved), and my personal growth will suffer.

Faith to reach the unreachable
Faith to fight the unbeatable
Faith to remove the unmovable
Faith that stands the invincible
Faith that can conquer anything

Faith that sees the invincible
Faith that expects the incredible
Faith that can conquer anything

Do something

It's world AIDS day. Get tested! Oh, bring a friend with you

Simple question, but complex answer

What do you do when.....

you get what you fantasized about, but it is nothing like you thought it would be?

You don't know me

Playing~"When the saints go to worship" -Benita Washington

I don't know, maybe, I'm a private person or something, but I really am bashful, coy, and easily embrassed when asked about very personal matters with people I really don't know. My co-workers were on my behind today at the christmas party. They wanted to know the juice. What do you do? Are you single? Are you dating? What is your fantasy? That last question was a bit much. I'm not going to answer this question. One lady tried to ever so slightly encourage a conversation about my sexuality. Now she almost got it, but I decided not to draw more attention to it (everyone or most of them missed that). Some people think I'm elusive, but I disagree. I share what I feel comfortable with and if I don't feel comfortable. I don't share. One lady shared her fantasy and guess what.....her fantasy was shared across four tables. I was like that is why I don't share. I answered all the question except the last one. Nobody believed my answers. They thought I was playing innoncent. REALLY! I'm not doing anything. There has not been any sex and there is none planned. I'm new to the area, so I don't know people to run the streets with. Plus, I don't do that anyway. I'm rather boring....I guess.

Good news! People at my job think very highly of me. Seniors were meeting and I was recommended for a project and I accepted. It came down to me another more season manager and I won. Bad news! I'm still not feeling the profession, so I don't plan to be with them 4 months from now.

Random Thoughts

10 Random thoughts

• Ugly Betty is funny.
• Support the (Red) campaign
• Grey's anatomy is still the best!
• I joined myspace and I don't get the hype .
• Give me your myspace name and I'll add you
• Going to college and getting a terrible job is not good
• I HAVE TO GET A NEW JOB!
• The Democrats are back in power...what are they going to do with it?
• I finally went to a church I enjoyed.
• Why am I single?

Something is not right

Playing "resentment" Jazmin

I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm seeking validation, which is not my style. I'm always the one telling my friends to validate themselves..."forget what everyone else thinks" "You don't need anyone to confirm what you already know". Well, I need to take my own advice. My recent move is making me insecure. Questioning things that always worked. My personality, my looks, etc... by now I would at least met a few friends and had someone express interest. Well, one or two have expressed interest, but they were scary to be honest. One asian lady tries to take me in the bathroom and some guy tried to hint that he wanted to hang out. Part of this is my fault. I don't really go out, but I really don't know where to go. I'm not the most inviting, but I do speak and that scarys people. They stare you up and down, then you speak the look at the floor.

What about your friends

Playing~"Breakdown" Mariah

I don't know what is going on with me and my friends. I have many associates, several friends, and friends we are in my inner circle. My inner circle consists of 3 people. These three people are my no hold bar friends. We can talk about any and everything freely. We don't worry about it being repeated. We don't even say those words. We just know what's up. Well, two of them are in limbo. I've been having this weird feeling that I would grow apart from both of them.

Let's start with the one who joined the fold last. Very strong personality, strategic, feared by some, I respect him highly, and truly enjoy his candid conversation. We have been friends for about 3 years. The negative to this friendship is personality conflict. It's rare, but when it happens. We have only had two real incidents, but several potential nasty incidents. It's potential for us to have a third. Everyone knows I don't play around about my friends, sex, my space, and my beliefs. We'll this friend sent me a picture they sent another associate of ours. The picture was of their penis. I was highly offended. First, what makes you think you can send me this? Second, what the f*ck! Third, you are beyond tacky. I have not communicated to them since receiving that text. Well, I sent a text that said "let's pretend you didn't do that". I have had several calls from him since then, but I don't want to discuss you sending me that mess. He sent me a text saying I wasn't trying to get fresh...trust me. I don't know how much I trust that, because this individual is very strategic, so to just send this it's weird. I noticed a few suggestive things when we hung out last, but overlooked it, because he is so just in your face about everything.

Well, to give justice to his text he was following up a conversation we had. He was telling me that he sent this text to someone else and how it was tacky to do so. I thought it was tacky and brushed it off, but when I thought about it more. I was like, no you were really tacky. That is someone who is under your direction indirectly. I don't care how much they requested and begged to see. It's just a level of distinction you have to about yourself. Inspite of that, what made my friend think they could send me this. I have gotten on him about other ppl doing things like this and I'm like that is not cute at all. Well, there are some exceptions to that, but this is not one of them.

Okay, this was long....so later to talk about the other friends. Blogger has been acting a damn fool.

I need (free flowing thoughts in my head)

Playing-Jazmin~"Resentment"

As independent as I am, I need some company. Someone who gets the joke without me having to explain. I Hate to admit, but I need someone who needs me. I need to hear a voice that gets excited when they hear my voice. I need someone who makes me happy. Someone who can keep me from feeling lonely even when I am alone. What I truly need is to be hopeful and stop worrying about what could go wrong. Open myself up and expect something new. My desire to be in control is going to be the death of me. The truth is I just want to be happy, but I'm just too concern with all the possibilities of everything going wrong.

Okay, lets be truthful

Playing~"Raw" Monica

Today, I'm going to be a little raw on this post. I think boys are cute. I like their attention. I like the swagger we (men) have. However, I can't get with having sex with one. Thus, my confusion...what is going on with me? It became quite obvious to me that I like the boys this pass week. Last week a few men flirted with me heavy, but discretely. At first, I dismissed it. "Maybe I reading too deeply into all this attention and body gestures." Then, one of my friends were like what are u going to do? This person is coming after you. My response was "I was thinking that, but I just dismissed." Well, through out the week any misreading was cleared up and I must say, I quietly enjoyed. I never acknowledged it head on, but I did give them a smirk and a look that said "you better be careful". Two of them were not shy, but not bold either. This issue has laid doormat for awhile, but the pass week was an awaking. Is anyone experiencing this now or has experienced this?

The internet

"Better People" ~ India Arie

The internet was suppose to be a world wide communication tool that would connect people all across the world. Well, it has definitely done its job, but I'm starting to believe it's becoming counter-productive. Do we talk anymore? What happen to conversation? I think some people are socially underdeveloped because of the internet. The internet provides them with the anonymity to be whomever they want to be. For example, person X would see person Y in person and wouldn't dare say a word to Y, but lets put a computer in front of X. X gains a certain boldness. I think the whole internet hook up thing is TACKY! Am I the only one who thinks people are socially underdeveloped because of the internet? Someone sees you in person and as soon as you notice them, they turn away. What is that about? I want your feedback

Today wasn't the day. I went to training for my new job for two weeks. I came back ready to work and make a change. Well, I faced the same BS. I'm so over it. However, during the training my team and I had to put together a presentation. Our presentation was so good, they are going to make it a regional program. I think I'm going to look for another job....this is some BS.

Welcome to the company

Work is a mess! Reports, test (yes, aint that some sh*t), projects, etc. I have so much crap to do. I can't just put it together. This is not a blog post (meaning no bad grammar..lol). Feel free to leave comments on previous post. Just started and I'm already slacking....jeez.

I want it

We are so like children. As soon as someone tells us not to do X, we want to do it with a passion. Even in the best scenario we are at least curious. This spill right over into how we deal with relationships. If we are interested in someone and they show us too much attention, we don't like them as much. They don't show a lot of attention we begin to question ourselves. Somehow we become intrigued. We probe a little. Consequently, investing more time into them. It's like we are trying to prove that we are at least up to par to any standard you may have. This leads to game playing. "You can't call for 2 days" (despite the fact you are dying to call). Why all of the games? Why do we want the things we can't have? Why are the things we can't have more appealing to us? Is it the challenge?

Blog Scene

I've been checking out blogs and I must say, you all are an interest group of individuals. The relationships, sex, sexuality, life choices, etc. As different as we all appear to be, we all face the same crap. It's comforting to see the struggles and successes of everyone else. It's weird to have one of those, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT moments with a stranger. I will keep reading and posting.

I'm not tripping on the previous post. I would not put that relationship into the love category. The whole ordeal became worst when I ran into the "why". I guess wires got crossed or something. I was supposed to be gone or they were not suppose to come that soon, but it was a mess. The other person was catty, which I found to be funny. Thus, making everything worse. It was just a mess. Apparently, the person thought my amusement was an insulted and felt like they should whip my ass. The testosterone got thick quick and a little scuffle happen nothing serious. They let the size fool them. Everyone was trying to warn and calm his silly ass down, but some ppl have to learn the hard way.

Why?

I have been kinda blah, introspective, and disappointed. During this time, I have discovered we all have one need, the need to feel good enough. We want to be the child that makes our mothers proud. The one she can brag on at work. We want to be the best employee at our jobs, so our education and experience can be affirmed by the company we work for. We also want to feel good enough to be loved (in the romantic sense). Thought about in the middle of the day. Trusted, cared for, etc.

The love department is where the challenge lies. We go the extra mile to prove that we are good enough. However, I have learned the hard way, being good enough to be loved is unmerited. You really can't earn it. For the most part, parents are proud of their children when they achieve. Jobs usually promote if you consistently perform well, but with the matters of the heart. Your sacrifices, hardwork, and dedication could mean nothing to someone else. There is no graduation to attend. The is no scale for you to be evaluated on. Nothing! When all of your work goes unnoticed or dismissed and the love you thought was exclusively yours is being shared with some other unknow person. You are left to wonder why. Why am I not good enough? Are they that better looking then me? Is the sex better? What do they have over me?

Monica has this song on her upcoming album entitled "Why her". It's been on repeat for sometime. I'm forcing myself not to listen to it now. Check it out http://www.zshare.net/audio/monica-why-her-produced-by-jermaine-dupri-mp3.html

life aint no fairytale

As a child, we dream of going to college, graduating, getting that great job, getting married, and living happily ever after. Everyone was on that Huxtable shit. It seemed so easy to acquire all those things, but we never gave much thought to what it would take to accomplish those dreams or what we would do if those dreams were derailed.

We never thought getting a degree would be unobtainable. We couldn't imagine getting a bullshit job after working extremely hard to get the degree. We never thought questions of our sexual orientation would completely puzzle us about marriage and utterly confuse us about what it means to be happily ever after. The only thought in our minds were "if I can see it I can achieve".

As young adults (30 and under), we look back on the dreams we had as child (hell, 5 years ago) and a lot the dreams we had are just that....dreams. It's saddening and disappointing, but the good news is we still can accomplish our dreams. Obviously, the dreams will not be the ones we dreamt up at 7 years of age, but we still have the ability to recreate. Someone challenged me to dream again and I'm going to start.