Estelle

I recently was given a chance to see Estelle in concert. For you guys who don't know who she is, click here. Trust me, she is a fly chick! She gives you a little Lauryn Hill (in a good way).

I have other things to tell you about, but I don't have the energy to write about it.

Lessons learned

Thank you for cursing me out for questioning your love. You taught me how to love myself and to appreciate the love someone can show. You didn't love me any less, because you couldn't express your love the way I desired.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who made negative comments about my dark skin. You taught me that my self-esteem is just that SELF-esteem.

Thanks for the innumerable amount of rumors spread! I've learned how to just do me. People will say what they want anyway.

I'm grateful for the season when I stood alone, people hated me, and others who kept their distance because of people's dis-like towards me. For the first time, I wasn't popular in a good way. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and be okay with that!

Even though I released these issues years ago it feels good to reflect on them. I am an overcomer...breathes and exhales. Reflecting on my freedom...God is good!

random thoughts

I can't overcome this feeling. It's so ingrained in my head. I can't defeat it. I keep saying I'm ready to date and such. However, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I wonder, will I be a good boyfriend? What about sex? That topic comes up pretty quick in conversation. I really don't have an answer. I typically answer with what's most true to how I feel. Will I ever have that magical moment that draws me to someone? Is that just a figment of my imagination? Why can't I just have fun? Nawl, that lead me to Plan B and that was truly a mess. WTF was I thinking! He progressed way further than he should have. Lord, just the thought! He had some great attributes, but I didn't have chemistry with him. Thus, I refuse to entertain anyone who I don't feel something for upfront. I'm sure this aids in my lack of dating. You typically can't get that from seeing someone in the club or walking pass them in the mall/grocery store. Okay, this post is not suppose to be about this. I guess out of the fullness of the heart the hands write. You can't get your dream the first time out of the gate. You have to kiss a few toads to get your prince, but I don't want no d**n toads. Let's skip that and get right to the prince....sigh.

ugh....fish and the vicious cycle

Playing~"just a touch"-Estelle

What's up with all the attitude towards fem boys? Slick is one of my best friends and I love him to death, but there have been a few times when I've seen him flat out dissed, because he is fem. Now, I will admit sometimes he does a lot and it can be overwhelming (even for me). Yes, I have laughed at him, because he was doing way too much. However, I wouldn't say things like "stay away from the fish". When I heard someone say that I was hurt and they weren't addressing me. A lot of people do give me too much, but I never verbally attack them. Where is all of this disdain coming from? I do believe you are a boy/man, so don't try to be a woman (I'm certain I'm going to get some heat for that). However, I feel like you should do you. Whatever that is

We were out at a concert a few nights ago. When the concert was over I wanted to stay for the after party. I felt like dancing. Anyway, he just refuses to dance with the girls, so he sits there legs crossed and back straight completely disconnected from everything that's happening (he was definitely giving them lady). A group of guys who just so happen to be gay found this to be hilarious. He didn't notice them at all, so everything was cool. What amused me the most was a club full of people who are presumably straight didn't make a spectacle of him, but people who are like him did. Slick is no victim, he can spit out venom towards the fem boys too, but most of the time he enjoys and compliments them. I guess it's just a vicious cycle. His mood was so draining we ended up at bulldogs, because I was determine to dance. Again, what's up with the attitude towards the fem boys? Even the fem boys don't like other fem boys.

When I was a boy

Playing~"Solider"-Erykah Badu

When I was a boy I thought I didn't need anyone. How foolish was I? About 5 months ago, I realize I'm no island. I was Mr. self satisfied. I would disappear for days at a time with no human contact. Now, I can probably go for a day or so. I need people more than I ever could imagine. Up until 5 months ago I couldn't identify with people who needed someone. I couldn't comprehend their feeling of loneliness. I thought they were insecure or something. I'm quickly realizing they were just feeling what anyone would feel. You need someone to touch, talk to, laugh with, be intimate with. A place where you let your guard down and your embraced for everything you are/ everything you aren't. It's weird admitting that...lol. I'm so not use to being in a place of need. Especially when the supplies are housed within someone else.

Infatuation

I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I'm hoping thoughts of you will flow from my mind, to my hands and stay printed on this page. I'm not the type to have a crush. I don't know what I would call this. Infatuation? My friend knows everything that I know about you. I've talked about your swagger, your tattoos, and the dreads that flow all the way down your back. We laughed when I revealed how my "member" had such a strong response to your subtle, but powerful approach. Lord, I moved so fast to the closest available seat. Darn, you really got me.

Where Everybody Knows Your name

I've had company for the pass few weeks and I finally some kinda way.

Two must agree

Playing~Jiborish (blah, blah, blah)-PJ Morton

It's nothing worst than having two people together and their perceptions are different concerning their relationship. One thinks something more serious is happening and the other is indifferent. Sometimes the conversation goes like this (real story):

{after talking for months and experiencing their first date}
A:So, where do we stand?
B:What do you mean?
A:You know we've been talking for months and we just went on a date (thinking to themselves...HELLO STUPID)
B:You stand alone
.......silence........
There is nothing you can say after that. I heard this story and laughed by butt off.

The sounds of love making

I received something and I thought here is another useless forward e-mail, but this one was good. Check it out: The year is 2108 and your greater than great grandchild is going through a box of your old things when s/he finds a letter and a CD. The letter simply says "Love In Song" -My Understanding of Relationships through music. Your greater than great grandchild then finds your artifact of a CD player and is delighted to find that the CD has 15 tracks...

What 15 songs would you use to describe how you feel about love and relationships currently and what line/verse (if any) resonates with you:

Happily Ever After

Playing~"Blindfold me"-Kelis

When I went out this weekend I discovered another vice of mine. I've been putting the carriage before the horse. I was out at a concert and I was dancing with the crowd waiting for the artist to come out. There was a group of dudes (who were SGL...what do u guys think of that term?). One of the guys was really cute. I thought aahhmm...I need to talk to him. I was thinking about how to approach this situation without freakin' the straights out...lol.

My vice shows it's ugly face. Life, he smokes, he's a little wild (I kinda like that though), and he's seems a bit young for you (What?!...I'm only 24) and he keeps drinking. Later, I was like WHY AM I TRYING TO MARRY THIS PERSON! I DON'T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAME YET! I need to learn how to just have fun. I let this fine man get away. His body felt so good. He was solid, but still on the slim side waist 30-32 and we had a few body encounters b/c of his wild dancing and the crowd moving. One instance was interesting he ends up bending over in front of me trying to get something, but I'm certain it was something behind that b/c he gave me a lot. Like, his a** ends up hitting my "man".

The next night I fell victim to what we all fall victim to from time to time. Pride! You look, I look, and we both pretend not to look. Then, one gets bold and doesn't look away. We both wait for the other to approach neither does and you're like oh well.