The tradeoff

Playing~"Backstroke"-Teedra Moses

My aunt always says, "life, you will not find a perfect mate, but you need to find the person with the least amount of manageable problems." I fully understand what she means now as an adult who is trying to date. Sure, we will never find a perfect mate, but how do we measure what's manageable. This question has been bouncing around in my head for awhile. Nowadays it's hard to find someone who's faithful and when we find someone who's faithful we try to hold on to them. However, they have an issue in another major department. For example, they can't manage their money. Is dealing with a broke mate the trade off for having someone who is faithful? I've seen a lot of people stay in some bad situations and I'm like "wtf, leave him/her alone". Often, those people don't leave because they feel like there is nothing better out there or starting over is too much of a headache. Do we settle for good enough in our relationships, because finding someone half way decent is hard enough? Do we every stop searching for the person who is slightly more compatible than what we currently have? Don't we deserve to get the mate we've dreamed and fantasized about?

Playing~"Heaven Sent"-Keyshia Cole

Random/update

Playing~"Happy Being me"-Angie Stone

• Have you conversed with people who’ve had a different definition of having sex? I.E. If I don't cum, I didn't have sex, Oral sex doesn't count, or if the sex wasn't satisfying I didn't have sex.
• Myspace giving the option of "not sure" as your sexual orientation is the funniest thing to me. It's honest in some cases...lol.
• I want my key back from Slick (ex-roomie). He still has the key to my apartment, but I know it's a big deal for him, so I'm avoiding it. He's sentimental like that. I swear if I come home and I'm locked out of my own place or my ice cream has been half eaten it's going to be a serious misunderstanding.
• I chilled with this cool brother last week, but I didn't find him that attractive. I decided not to lead him own. We like a lot of the same things, but I think me suggesting being friends may not go across very well. He would have made a pretty good cuddle buddy though, but he was a major freak. I found that out quick.
• People are sleeping on Angie Stone.
• Love and Basketball is one of my favorite movies. I could quote all day from that sh*t!
• It's weird when people think they know you, but they see you in your natural element and they're shocked. It's makes you wonder what type of first impression you made. It's weird how our looks or mannerism immediately put us in a certain category. I.E. people with natural hair automatically are down for the cause and love neo-soul music.
• I'm thinking about going to San Juan Brothers. Has anyone been? How was it?
• I want to go to a ball, but then I saw this sh*t and I'm like what the h*ll. They seem pretty entertaining. Plus, the social and gender commentary that could come from a ball event would be pretty stimulating.
  

Weary

This song says it all!

Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song

People keep giving me the same feedback, which is great. I love getting feedback on myself, but I'm kinda over it! "You have a strong need to control things." "You're not easily accessible." "You're not the best with reciprocity." "You're so guarded." This dude gave me these words the other night (yawn). All of these things have some truth to them, but I'm that way because people have made me that way. I've seen my friends fall for somethings they thought were real only to discover that sh*t was as real as a $3 bill. Nobody will have me looking like a d*mn fool. I'm too fly for that sh*t!

Transparent

Secrets we all have them. Truths, pains, uncertainties, fears about our past and present that we keep deep inside of us to ensure our vulnerabilities aren't shown. For if we share them, we become exposed. Naked for the world to see. We hide them, because as confident as we are, we are afraid of the rejection, pain, the reality that very few people have unconditional love for us and if for nothing else, we don't want to prove nay sayers right. If we exposed ourselves they will see us for who we truly are and possibly not love us like they once did, so we keep our little secrets deep within and deal with them silently day by day.

I give up!

The situation:
I'll admit it....I'm confused by male on male interaction. I don't get it. This pass weekend I went to gay club(s) for the first time. Both times I felt like I missed something. A lot of people don't dance! aahhmm...why are you here if you aren't going to dance? If they do dance, they dance with their friends. Most guys will not approach you. However, they will look at you all night (WTF?). Only the ones you don't want to approach or dance with have the boldness to do either and they try to molest you. Actually, the first night of clubbing wasn't that bad. We were there for like 1 and a half. The club was balanced, I could have worked that given more time. They closed at 3. The second night was an absolute mess! Traxx is definitely the worst s**t ever! It's too big, the crowd too young and too hood. I was overwhelmed my first 20-30 mins. there. I've never seen anything like it and I've been to some hood joints. We got in around 12am. It didn't get thick until 1:40am, but by then we were focused on seeing fantasia who didn't come out until like 3 something. After the performance you realized the crowd had changed drastically. I guess the mature and fine people waited until late to come, because my lawd. They were fine!!!! Those DC, VA, Maryland brothers were so on point last night...sigh. However, I was over it by then. I just wanted to go home.

My rant
For the second time, I don't get this sh*t! How in the H E double L did I not get a f*cking number or something. I was cute all f**kin' weekend! If I could get a freakin' picture on a website I'll add it on here, so I can prove my freakin' point. I may not be your type, but I'm far from anyone's opinion of ugly. Obviously, the club is not for me!

My resolve
If I like someone I'm going to approach them from this point on. If not, I'll just end up frustrated like I am now. Gettingmyselftogether gave some good advice via blog. Thanks for the feedback via the phone also. I was bit concerned for a minute. These men almost messed with my self-esteem. I'm still frustrated, but hearing something from someone with experience puts things in prospective. There is a free party tonight...I'm passing. Slick (ex-roommate is a little disappointed). I have some ABC to catch up on. I know they will not boost or lower my self-esteem. Yeah, I'm being a bit dramatic.

FYI

Playing~"love drug"-Raheem Devaughn

Just for the record, when you meet someone for the first time please avoid these type of comments. Me: So, tell me about yourself. guy: what do you want to know? Me: basic information that an associate would know. guy:I'm 21, single, and lonely me: aahhh...what ashame. I gave him a big hug. He was cute, but the desperation was such a turn off {in my head "Is this boy for real? I can't believe he just said that....pass}. mutual friend: "you wanna talk to him" me: uummhh...no thanks. mutual friend: Why? You're so difficult! me: He's cute, but too young (I really wanted to say, because he has no pride and is really freakin' desperate). Noting his age wasn't a lie...he was a bit too young. mutual friend: Well, I tired.

Sidebar: Where is a good and reasonable price place to get a message in Atlanta?

where do I go from here?

Playing~Confessions of a broken heart"-Lindsay Lohan

I'm in this weird place. I'm too far to turn around, but I have no ideal where I'm going. While trying to remedy my situation I went through my list:

college diploma (check)
decent paying job (check...finally)
great friends (check...they may not be in my current city, but they're very present in my life)
money in the bank (check)
decent place to stay (check)
own method of transporation (check)
healthy (check)
social life (check)
spiritual life (check..not in the best shape, but still intact)
relationship (no check here, but that's not it)

Something is missing and I don't know what it is. I'm not hurting for anything, but I have this weary feeling. I was having the worst case of ennui. Everyone was so concern, because I'm the upbeat person who gets everyone else going and my pensive disposition is happening too often. I didn't know how to vocalize it at the time, but it was just an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction. I don't know exactly how to overcome it, but I have to overcome this feeling of discontentment. I haven't been standing by do nothing. I've been racking my brain trying to cure my aliment. I definitely need a new job. I'm just spinning my wheels at my current one. Even with the promotion and the money...it's just too repetitive and mindless. I was working on that today, which was no easy task. Also, I need to go back to school. I contacted one of my college mentors today to get advice on what I need to do. Those are some moves I'm made to remedy the situation. Hopefully, these things will bring about some satisfaction. Has anyone had the something is missing feeling? What did you do about it?

Playing~"If I was a bird"-Floetry

obscure emotions

Playing~"Smoke"-Mary J. Blige

This is week has been very interesting. I've ran into some situations that stirred up some type of emotion. I'm puzzled about my feelings regarding some recent events.

First, I received an e-mail from a girl who was the closest thing to my high school sweetheart. She is engaged! I was like aaahhmmm...interesting. Granted, we rarely talk and haven't spoken in months. we haven't "dated" in years, but I still felt something when I received that e-mail. Reality check! I'm not into girls that much these days. I couldn't give her what she wanted anyway. Good for her! I still felt/feel some kinda way about it.

Second, the inevitable event of me meeting my old cuddle buddy and his new boy. I knew what this was all about "let's see how he handles this" and "who's the baddest out of the two". They really could have missed me with all the shenanigans. I wasn't phased by the meeting at all. While I was whipping butt on the spades table(at least at that time) I look over and they are going at it. I mean, they start making out like crazy. I had a feeling coming over me, but I quickly brought things back into prospective. I didn't want him. Thus, I don't need to catch feelings now. He's not what I desire physically (he's moderately attractive), his conversation is okay, and his personality is okay. When we made out once it was whack. Thus, making him a mediocre person all together. It only gets more confusing when he says stuff to me about his love for me or baggers me about not giving him enough attention. I realize I feel something for him, but it's definitely not love. I wondered on the way home......"Should I date him?" "Am I being too picky? "Nobody's perfect, right?" He has a good job, he owns stuff, he is very social (which I need desperately) and a pretty decent guy all together. Our quasi relationship wasn't bad...I guess.

In both situations I think I realized the possibilities of what could be were dying. Thus, stirring up some type of emotion. I think the uncertainty of what I was feeling came from not really having anything to really feel for them. At this point, it has to be residue and the realization of things coming to a close. Idunno...has anyone had events that left you feeling an uncertain emotion?

Playing-"What love is"-Mary J. Blige

What?!

Has the penis hindered any of your relationships? I went out with some friends the other day and I became like a television host. Throwing out questions to get a consensus amongst the group. One of my questions were, what do you find to be the most challenging aspect in a relationship? A few people said communication. People not being honest about their intentions and not knowing how to communication their feeling. Then, out of nowhere someone said sex. I thought that was interesting, so I decided to probe more. Plan B goes into this rant about him being a top and how he keeps running into guys who he likes, but they are versatile. Everyone begins to sound off about this topic. Myself and another guy thought being versatile was fine, but everyone else was adamantly against it. To sum it all up, they thought it was confusion. The conversation revealed a lot about people thought process. I thought having the topic bottom/top complex caused a lot of problems with relationships roles. Tops are dominant (men) and the bottoms are submissive (women)...foolishness. You are both men! I have a preference, but I also believe all d*cks are created equal and they have a right to be used. Granted, that statement my come across a little hypocritical because I never let anyone use theirs on me, but I do believe in compromise, so it all works out.

Plan B gets down right ignorant during some parts of the conversation. He is trying to model his homosexual relationship after a heterosexual relationship. I yell out PROBLEM! This is not a heterosexual relationship and it doesn't work for them either, so why use a defective model. Then, he goes and insults dudes he has been talking to. "I don't know why they would want to be on top of anybody anyway. Their d*cks ain't that big. All they are good for is getting f*cked." At this point, I was like is this mfer for real. I couldn't believe he would dog these guys like that and it revealed a lot about his character to me. I was so blown that I pulled back from the conversation all together. Just to note, if I wanted to f*ck, I could have per his words, but lately he has been on this alpha male sh*t. I can't even handle it. I'm definitely distancing myself for him in 2008. The hindrance in this a lot of my associate are my associates through him, but I'll find away to navigate through that. Anyway, give me you feedback on the relationship question and this whole top/bottom.

What type of stunts are you trying to pull

Playing~"lick"-Joi

I decided to bring the new year in at church. I want to give the Lord thanks for maintaining me through all of the ups and downs of 2007. We had quite the time trying to get into the sanctuary. The sermon was honest and very encouraging. No rhyming themes to tickle our emotions, but honesty about what God can do and what we allow him to do.

I was going to a social after church. I almost decided not to go, but Slick(formerly known as roomie) gave me the lecture of never living. If it goes sour, we're out. The social was a little more crunk than we expected, but I decided to stay. We socialize with a few people, I get on the card table, and start acting foolish on a game of spade. We lost because my partner went to biding all high and I lost focus somewhere around the 3rd hand.

As the night progressed I realized the conversations were changing and people start buddying up. Debatably the most attractive guy (dreads) in there was kinda pressing on me. Others kinda flirted, but he went in. I thought "about darn time somebody recognize all of this greatness". Everyone was really trying to get me to drink "loosen up". My response was, "I'm loose". Then, out rolls the foolishness. The host (an older guy, we'll call him duality) decided to call a new associate of mine up stairs and I'm like "something is up". Then, he summons another associate (Plan B) up and I'm like this my que to get out of here. I touch Slick to let him know we need to get our a** out of here. He is looking confused until I prepare to leave he caught on. I cordially dismiss myself and dreads was like you can't leave. He trying to talk me into staying and another guy who was nearby hands is all on my a**. At that moment, I realized this is some type of sex party and I need to get my a** out of here. We get to the car, I tell slick what was taking place. He's yelling "WHAT?! WAIT, NOBODY TRIED TO SEX ME. I'M PISSED!!!!"

Note: School Slick on non-verbal communication

Playing~"April's Kiss"-Rahsaan Patterson