Money and Movers

Today, June 29, 2007 I am getting on a budget. I have seriously venture so far from keeping accurate records of my spending. I’m just swiping away, what is going on with me? Those freakin’ debit cards!!! I’m not hurting on anything, but I have too many things coming up (a trip, a move, and car insurance). I’m not allocating money for any of that and I should be. Today was another bad move for me. I take a friend to lunch and that cost $50. I brought a few fits for the trip and that cost $87, which is good for me. However, I still need to buy shoes, which I hope I can find some for $50 or $60 bucks. After the shoe purchase I’m on lock down. All of this eating out is O U T. It’s ridiculous I’m spending like $30-50 a week on eating out. This will not be too hard to do, because Plan B and I are having a little intermission (my choosing and I think he has caught on). I usually spend a good portion of that money eating with him.

Everyone appears to be moving to Atlanta, is there anymore room? It’s crowded here already…goodness. Well, a lot of ppl don’t actually stay in the city, but they say they are moving here because people may not know the other city. Speaking of people moving here…my best friend is moving here with me. This is going to be very interesting. I don’t do roommates, so I’m like “oh boy”. He is the demanding and bossy type too, but I love his little behind. I’m sure we are going to have one of those run in when you let it be known this “my sh*t”.

OMG I CAN'T LISTEN TO THE RADIO. The music sucks!

random

Playing~"Bittersweet"-Kayne West Ft. John Mayer

Vainty, Vainty, Vainty all is vainty, right? Man, I must say moving here was a reality check. Back home I was a big fish in a small pond. Now, I'm a small fish in a HUGE pond. Everyone here is so pretty (general speaking). I mean, between the veneers, fly clothes, bangin' bodies, and flawless skin a low maintenance guy like myself is wondering how is he to compete. It takes a life time for me to shave let alone go to the barber every week. I still think I'm attractive, but it seems to be easy to get lost in the sea of attractive people here. I definitely have to step my game up. I have to drink water and take better care of my skin. I need to get a hair every two weeks (everyone knows hair cuts does wonders for you). A hair cut can take you from a C+ to a B+ easy. I'm not even going to lie and say I'm going to the gym. I'm going to be that skinny cat for life...lol. I see why people are in debt here. Either you go broke trying to keep up or you realize you are fine the way you are.

Music, Music, Music

Everyone knows I love me some music. If I'm awake 80% o f the time there is music on. Here are two people I'm feeling right now.

First, Chrisette Michelle is the bomb. She is sick. I don't know how to describe her. She's a fuse between Billy Holiday, Natalie Cole, and herself. Here is a little sample it's one of my favorite songs on the album. I can listen to her whole album. Her writer is outstanding. The person is a great story teller like Jill Scott and Lauryn. Here are some Highlights from the album: "Like a dream", "Best of Me", "Your joy", "Good Girl", "Mr. Radio", "Golden", "Love is You", "is this the way love feels". It has Life's stamp of approval...GO GET B/C I SAID SO!

J Holiday is the other person. I've only heard one song from him. The song is called "Bed". It's hot, I can't deny it. It makes you want to grind. Here is a little sample of what he has in store.

I won't tell your secret

Playing "Is this the way love feels"-Chrisette Michele

I couldn't date anyone in the closet. I don't know if I'm too vain, but I refuse to be set aside when certain people are around. Granted, I'm in the closet myself, but I couldn't date someone who was. Double standard....YES IT IS! I was out with Plan B, a few of the regular attendees, and two of his frat brothers from out of town. His "friend" was included in the entourage. He gave him little to nothing. Hell, he gave me more than he gave him. He didn't smile at him or anything. He did come over a speak, but that's about it. I was pissed about it. I couldn't believe he treated him second rate just that quick. He never gives him a lot, but darn. I at least received some conversion and the occasional "smile for me", which made me a little uncomfortable, because your FREAKIN' "friend" is here. Now, I don't know how I would act if my brothers came into town, but I feel like if I'm in a relationship with someone I would be out by then. I've been trying to give Plan B some space, because I really think he should focus on his relationship or whatever it is. He thinks that's really ridiculous, but everyone agrees with me. He seems a little too close to me.

All that being said, this post is about coming out. Most people who I know aren't out. Some feel like it's an open secret ("life, everyone knows I like boys"). Others have told their families and some friends. However, I don't know anyone who is just out all the way around. One it's kinda understood. Some of them have live ins and all, which blows me. Plan B and I have had several discussions about coming out. He just can't come out. Honestly, he is one of the most out closeted people I know. He has a big ol' professional picture of him and his ex in his house. A solo picture of the ex in the living. I'm like are u mfers blind. HE'S A GAY! Of course, everyone thinks that's his best friend. I don't think I own a picture of my best friend. He felt like nobody knew he was a gay outside of the gay friends he had. I had to break it down to him. Anyone who really knows you, already knows your gay. They may not want to admit it or desire to talk about, but they know. Years ago, his mother made it quite clear she would disown him if he was. You guys already have read what my mother would do/say. If she asked me was I gay today. I would answer just like this "are you trying to see if I find men attractive?" "If so, yes" and I would let it play out from there. There is not much to tell, because I haven't "known"/dated/"talked" to a man, so there is not a lot to tell her, but I feel confident that I would tell her if she asked. Anyway, I have quite a bit to say on this topic, but I'll revisit it later.

Playing~"Your Joy" Chrisette

Today, is one of those days that I just want to stay home. Write in my journal and play Mary's "My Life" album until I make sense of it all. I can't wear anything like I wear guilt. I think it comes from my religious background. You know, your suppose to be Godly sorry. I'm having one of those incomplete days. You don't feel whole. You can't figure out what's really wrong. Say a little prayer for me today. I have to pull it together, because I don't want to be harassed at work. What's wrong? Your not yourself today. You know those type of comments and questions

I am....

*edited Saturday evening*

emotional disconnected. wishes he wasn't. developed that vice from his mom. she taught him the hard way. blames her for nothing. forgives her for everything. missed his father. happy he was never in his care. watching his father die after not seeing him for years messed him up. hates to admit. loves to sing. knows he is not a singer. has a low to average libido. subconsciously thinks sex is wrong, so he doesn't indulge. would f*#k all the time. thinks it's ashame that sex is something he remembers as THE sin. didn't help that his first sexual experience was an inappropriate one. was hurt by it. wonders if apart of it he enjoyed. despite the fact he was around 7. knows most people think his lack of sex at his age is weird. lives his life too calculated. he is tired of people telling him he does. can't help it. has a strong need for control in his personal life. likes to make people feel like they are in control. he knows he always is. thus, he is passively dominate. likes it that way. it plays into peoples ego. enjoys the simple things in life. wants to live lavish. Status is important to him. hates that it is. Doesn't like to be the center of attention. must be recognize. very friendly and patient. known to be extremely nasty if those two things are taken advantage of. loves the shock people have when he gets nasty. dares anyone to try him. Misunderstood. doesn't try to clarify, he just accepts that fact. full of faith. has a few doubts. loves to debate Social Economic Status (SES) and the current state of America. plays the daredevil when people discuss God and homosexuality. has issues with it himself. loves to see people quickly find out they don't know what in the hell they are talking about. is an enigma. wishes he wasn't. doesn't care much for politics. rarely watches the news. finds it depressing. love gossip blogs. hates to be misrepresented. misrepresents himself by being too modest. sick of being the good guy. can't help it. never been in love. has experience someone being in love with him. wants to be everything to everybody. doesn't give a f*#k.

beautifully human

*written grammatically like this on purpose*

random

Playing~Ye Yo-Erykah Badu

• What do you guys think of the Wilson case (the former high school student)?
• Aren't anonymous commentator's the best? Please get my sarcasm
• I promise, I have a sticker that attracts attached people
• I've given a friend permission to move up here with me and I know I'm going to regret it.
• I think I found a new apartment!
• Why do I always become a topic of discussion at my work place or anyplace for that matter? It must have something to do with me being to myself. A young lady told me "A lot of people are curious about you and they have questions, but they don't know how to approach you." I didn't respond to that at all. Why do the gays always send a lady to do their dirty work. If your curious just ask me *#%, but know you might get more than you asked for
• I got me some sexy underwear! I missed out on a date at the store though. I felt naughty being in there, so I ignored the guy (oh he was fine). I know, I'm such a lame.
• God is working on me. I'm so resisting him. I need to get something out of my system. God, I almost died during last week church service. I was like God give me a freakin' break. I put that after my little freaky comment, huh. That was very human of me
• Why ppl think they can MAKE you their bottom. EEWWW...I don't want you on top of me....let me do you I'll just stick the head in...hahah. Plus, everyone knows I don't have sex. I don't know if that statement will make it through the summer...LAWD.
• How do you discuss someone's feelings for you when they deny they have any.

Playing~"when I see you"-Fantasia

Where is the progress (vent)?

Playing~"Is she the reason"-Destiny's Child

At 2:50am, I feel empty. I feel closed in...trapped even. I have a promising career, but I hate the job, but I'm definitely earning the title of "Golden Boy" in the company. However, I feel underpaid and over worked. I swear my job is full of delayed potential. I want things to materialize NOW! I need to feel like my hardwork for the pass year means something. I guess, I should be satisfied with my two promotions, but they were all vertical moves in the position I hate, so that didn't do much for me. I can't wait until next year when I'm promoted to the job I really want. For Christ sake, I need more money. I feel broke and I'm nowhere near it, but I just don't have the discretionary income I desire to have. I'm a saveaholic

I'm disappointed in my social interaction here. I have nothing that makes this place home. I'm not connected to anything here. I need to involve myself in something. I'm not even going to delve into my need to for some intimacy. Damn my friends for not being available! They're great at giving me a reality check. They let me know I'm trending just fine and I should keep my expectation of myself reasonable. It's times like this that I can't find contentment anywhere nor in any words. I have to come to a resolve within myself. I'm a strong believer in creating your own experiencing and I feel constrained. Whew, I feel a little better now. I feel a need to read. Do you know of any good books? I need to pray and read or something...oh I'm in a funky mood. Trying to make sense of everything...finding my truth on this journey

Discontented

Playing~"When the battle is over"-Benita Washington (this heffa sings her butt off)

Random

Playing~"Almost Doesn't count"-Brandy
Mood: bored to death (what is there to do on Tuesday)

• Have you realized that before your friends introduce you to someone they tell you a nice little piece of their business. Do you wonder what they tell people about you?
  
• It's funny how we always see the shortcomings in ourselves, but fail to realize the progress we've made. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Maybe it's because we all put on like we have it figured out/going on
• "Been such a long time I forgot that I was fine" this line from Erykah Badu's "Kiss me on my neck" has been coming to mind for the pass few days. I received some timely compliments. I hadn't heard a compliment in awhile I almost forgot. It's the best when ppl think something is artificially enhanced and your like no this is all natural...lol.
  
• My apartment complex is full of sh*t!
• I'm actually feeling the need to be in a relationship now, which is weird for me. Work is not enough. I don't know how I feel about this (where is this coming from). I'm doing very well in my current position. Apparently, everyone is talking about....hahahaha to all those doubters!
• I need a place to buy some sexy underwear. You ever have the need to feel sexy? Anyone knows a place for me to purchase them?
• I'm trying to convince myself to spend a $100+ on some jeans. You know, something that everyone wouldn't have on and ppl will notice. I just can't bring myself to do it. I have the money to spare for sure, but I looked today and I thought about a bill I could pay or something.
  
• Plan B is a non topic now. It ran its course, I guess (2.5-3 months that's good for me). I get bored really quick. We are friends still, but he notice I'm beyond indifferent now.
• I so need to learn how to enjoy the present. I'm always thinking about where I want to be, where I should be, what I should have, etc.
• Is it me or does the Washington Post come up with some good stuff on African Americans?