I'm so busy

I'm so beat down (tired)! I've been wanting to update you guys. I was offered a promotion...YEEAA! I told them f*ck you pay me...lol. We will see how that goes. There is everything and nothing going on in the relationship area. A lot of talk about sex, which is not going to happen. I just don't get that thing for'em. You know, you want to make sure someone can get it out of you (the freak that is). I'm facing jealousy at work because of the promotion. It's getting beyond rude now, but I'm doing my best to not response, but it's about that time to go slap off on one of them. I had my first club experience. Danced with this cute, but tipsy law student. I don't know what was going on her, but she was fun. That was the highlight and I ran into some people I knew! I was so disappointed!!! There is so much to say, but this all I have left. Night! Is anyone having a hard time finding that musiq cd? I've tried twice

I'm in a bad way

I'm so horny!!! This is not good! I absolutely refuse to have sex. Masturbating is not an alternative. I'm writing this little entry to give myself sometime to calm down and come up with a plan. The plan: I'm going to clean my house and if that doesn't work I'll wash clothes. Actually, I'll sleep it off, then do whatever else is necessary. I'm going to blame it on this hot weather that came out of nowhere. I'm sure I can sleep it off.

Things remain the same

"til my baby comes home"-Fantasia

My friend told me something that is definitely ringing true right now. "Life, you can go where ever you want, but one thing will remain the same...you." Basically, he was trying to give me a reality check. If you don't change, your experience will not change. I doesn't matter if you move to Alaska or Atlanta. I was relying on Atlanta to get it out of me. For me to explore everything on my terms. Well, for the most part, my experience has been the same. I think I've lived so many years trying to maintain an image. The image that I subconsciously created is definitely apart of me, but not me in entirety.

I came here wanting to be much more social. I'll give myself a D on that. I've gone to one concert and I found a place I can go to regularly (all by myself..well, I took Mr. Atlanta and crew one time). My "friend" (were going to call him Mr. Atlanta) is helping me out there. However, I don't want Mr. Atlanta to become my social connection. I need my own circle of associates.

I came here to explore my sexuality. There is no grade to give here...I have to move at my own pace. I guess, that pace is .02 miles an hour. If someone checks me out I usually ignore them. Unless, I feel like being a little flirtatious, which is increasing these days. Mr. Atlanta has gotten further than anyone ever has. To give you an ideal on how bad that is...I just asked him if he gay/bi or whatever. Well, I did pick him up for lunch one day. The only reason he got this far is because a mutual friend kinda snuck me, but I was ready. I want to explore and I'm ready...I think. Me aligning that with who I want to be to everyone else and my spirituality is another post. I definitely have to post about the spiritual aspect real soon. It's weird! I debate it within myself all the time and I debate it with other people about their "deliverance", but yet I'm faulty at what I believe.

"pass me over"~Anthony Hamilton

You know usually I don't do this!

You know, I don't cuss, but this is that bullshit! I am beyond amazed that I can't find a decent motherfucking job. I had a job interview today and for some reason I wasn't that excited (everyone knows I want to leave my current job). I felt like this job just might be that bullshit. Why? Why?! Did I leave the interview still trying to figure out what I would be doing exactly. I asked straight forward question and I received fuzzy answers. I knew when I left not to follow up with that shit. They want a second interview and I'm not interested. Hell, I can stick with what I have...aarrgghh. Such a wast of fucking time!!! Speaking of my job, do you know this girl lied her ass off on me. I didn't even entertain HR when they brought that dumb shit up to me. I just looked at them like think about what you are saying and who you are talking to and come back to me later. I'm about to be promoted again.

On to another note...fuck all of these triflin ass men. Do you know someone had the nerve to contact me to see if we could hang out or something when their wife is out of town. Is that not rude as hell. Sidenote: She has to be blind as hell to not know he is gay (I don't feel like the correlation with being a little feminine and being gay is as strong as people think, but he is gay). I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if this motherfucker tries me. I'm going off! His frat. brother hinted that this motherfucker is foolin' around. However, I'm trying not to assume anything about this person, but rely on my previous experiences which were nothing notable. I'm will not to be surprised or unprepared if some messy shit arises.

*exhales* I feel better already. I couldn't curse verbal, so I had to write it down. I'm just over it today. I'm going to read a book or something and chill out. I can't even hook up with my new friend. He's out of town. Oh, we had "the conversation" (past relationships, sex, pet peeves, etc). It was quite revealing

hhmmm

I can't sleep. You know, everything and nothing is on your mind. Your not thinking about anything in particular and you don't know what is keeping you up, but you are up when you should be sleep and dead tired. Maybe God is trying to tell me something

Playing~"Never love again"-Anthony Hamilton

weekend, update, and sex

"know what I'm doing"~Lil Wayne

• This weekend was suppose to be filled with fun and friends from out of town. Well, only one friend came and we didn't do much at all. Such a dissapointment!
• Why did he have to take the walk of shame? Basically, he came into my house at unreasonable hour (~8am), which means only one thing. aahhmmm (he denies it, but I'm not sure if I believe him)
• If you haven't tried Houlihan's...try it! It's a great resturant
• I'm really on the job hunt...any leads?
• The guy who I discussed in my previous post thinks the exact opposite of what I think about him. He thinks, I think, he is cute
• Do you find it less attractive if someone has little to no sexual experiences?

Playing~"Dope fiend"-Johnta Austin

Call me shallow

Playing~"Leather so soft"-Lil Wayne

So, we hung out today (I finally got him without his entourage and he is not a bold without them). I don't find him aesthetically appealing. What am I suppose to do? He has some great characteristic. He sent me some pictures of him at a recent party and he looked "cute" there. Today, he was rough (no shave, no hair cut, etc). I was too. It further confirmed that I didn't find him attractive. The picture gave me one thing, but seeing him today was like NO. On our other meetings he was alright (great mouth and eyes). I'm still going to entertain him. He is growing on me. He keeps me laugh, he's passionate, and focus. Lord, I guess I'm just shallow.

Random

• Why is the road that leads me to my apartment building blocked off? Good thing I decided to explore the only other route available.
  
• What do you think about this.....someone told a person they were positive and the person was still dying to have sex with them. I know, I may come off insensitive on this one, but I'm sorry that's just crazy! The person had to stop them, because they didn't want them to do something they would regret. What are your thoughts?
  
• Friday night completely changed my position on the person I talked about in my previous post...he is starting to make me feel some kinda way (I don't think we made it to the strong like yet...we in the aahhmm...let's explore the possibilities)
  
• aahhmm...what is up with this group date thing? HELLO....I'm trying to get to know you!!!! DARN!
  
• I'm trying to devise a plan to gain back control (outside of you find me more attractive) in this new found "friendship". I slept on him and now he is running circles around me. Any suggestion?
• Should I call the friend out who wanted us to meet? He thinks he's slick, but I would prefer for him not to be all in my business and that will open the door. I'm sure he is well informed anyway.
  

Bad Habit?

Playing~"I'll be your playa"-Trick Daddy

I have a bad habit of being easily bored. With that being said, my little buddy (the one I I wrote about in previous post) has ran out of time. You know, there is one thing with being a little coy, but being outrageously scared is unacceptable. My friends always call me scary. "Boy, you know you're not going to do anything with your scary self." I don't think I'm scary..at the time, I think I was just unsure of what I wanted to do, so I went back and forth with advancement and retreat. I'm definitely not in that place now. I'm ready and I need someone who is too. I'm not ready to plunge in, but I'm definitely ready to walk my way through it.

Back to the story, so the first of two "outings" set for this week was a mess. Like I said, there is no direct expectation to date, which is not what I'm looking for in particular. However, it's become more obvious that the person who introduced us wanted us to hook up. So we met up, do you know this boy tried to recruit everyone to come with him (~4 ppl), which was okay, but I thought I was suppose to "befriend" you. Second, he keeps acting like I don't know he is attracted to me. So he brings all these ppl, which completely takes my interest off of him. It was so bad I met someone else. This girl was like your cute, so we start talking (not with the intentions of hooking up, but your attractive what's your name type of convo.). She introduce to her crew and all (Oh I forgot to mention, she was just a little buzzed). I was thinking in the back of my mind...this is really bad. Anyway, with him being so scary...I'm over it. He has been put on the back burner. He texted me to tell me how much he enjoyed last night...I was like oookkkaaayyy. I'm still going to show up tomorrow for the second "outing", but this is not going anywhere. I'm so close to just calling him out.

Playing~"f*ck you pay me"-Sunny V ft. Young Joc