Love, really?

I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.

I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.

Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."

It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.

Playing~Nothing-Brandy

Lies and truths

PH.D ( an older gay friend) tells me from time to time "you're going to end up with a woman". Slick has told me the same thing for years. When PH.D said it for the first time I was taken aback. We had been around each other at the most five times. I immediately tried to defend my gayness...lol. Heck, I'm just getting comfortable and here you are telling me I'm going to end up with a woman. I asked him to explain his logic. He has seen "me" several times. Guys who find men attractive, dated men, and in some cases loved men. However, the lifestyle proved to be lonely, exclusive, and messy, so they left it alone all together. PH.D simply thinks I don't fit into the culture and I'm too logical to stay somewhere I don't fit (this is true). He and I have discussed our logic on this issue several times. Actually, I agreed with a great deal of his reasoning, but my point was "I don't want to live a lie". Do I find woman attractive? Yes. Could I have sex with a woman? Yes. However, there is no denying that I find men attractive. I've always found men attractive.

I hate to admit it, but somedays I feel like PH.D is right. Today is one of those days.

Gossip and reality check

Playing~Fearless-Jazmine Sullivan

Typically, I don't gossip. If something doesn't pertain to me in any regard, I keep my mouth shut. In order for me to keep gossip down to a minimum I will tell the juice on the blog. Very few of you know who I am and you definitely will not know these individuals.

After I text my brother he calls me back. We talk about how difficult it is to find Jazmine's cd, ( Circut City has it on sell for $8.99 and most people to go there for music) and his final break up with his on and off again girlfriend for the pass 2 years. I'm yawning at this part. We discuss his agenda for this coming weekend. How exciting it's going to be to get together. He is coming up with his brothers (he recently joined another org.). Then, he drops the bomb. "Bruh, a brother tried to holler at me." He tries to keep the person's identity private, but he gives up and tells everything. Everyone thinks my brother gets down. He denies it adamantly, but people don't believe him. Some say they have proof that he is gay. I never wanted to hear those facts. He has done some questionable things throughout the years. I.E. he brings a guy who he claims he didn't know all that well back home with him for a trip. Only for the guy to try and sleep with another brother, which makes everyone question him. He also disappeared on me one night while staying with me in the A. He claims his phone died, he got lost, and he slept in his car. You know, I'm giving him the side eye, right? Anyway, the brother gets in touch with him and is subtle with his approach. He is completely missing it, so the other brother just comes out with it. He lets the brother know he doesn't get down and he is not mad at him. They change the topic to girls...go figure. I'm laughing my behind off on the phone. How embrassing is that?

At that time, I realized....wait, I'm not out. I have these reality checks from time to time. I've been in Atlanta for 2 years away from everything that was familiar and they haven't seen the change in my sexuality. Overall, I carry myself the same. I wonder when will I come out to the people who matter?

random

It's a mess when you're in the parking lot to go to the club and out of nowhere your stomach decides it has some business to handle. Now, you have to decide do I drive all the way back home or do I get my party on?

Don't we all wish we had the gift Ludacris has in his recent video? The laughter would never end

Why was one of friends contemplating talking to an unemployed, "ex" crackhead, who rotates in and out of jail? MFer are you really excited about meeting this dude?! DARN, are times becoming this hard? Stop playing this dude is a hustler....HELLO!

People are just catching on to MIA "Paper Planes". Is not everyone remixing it? Swagger like us..

Would you become concern if a friend gets drunk by themselves?

I waivered back and forth with my decision concerning BIG and I. He never knew. I'm solidified in my decision now. He is great;but, I know what I don't want. We will see how I'm doing when he visits this coming weekend. I know he has a trick or two. Let's pray that I have on the Whole armor of the Lord, so his tricks don't get a treat. AMEN?! Alright!

I love all of these youtube shows the kids are coming up with these days.

Have you ever looked at your check and realized someone is getting f**ked.

Don't let your friends advise you on your relationships those suckers will have you flip flopping all over the place.

Why does your job think they can call you on your day off? Then, they leave voicemails like "you never answer when I call, but..."

I haven't partied in two weeks. Maybe I'll feel the spirit this weekend. Probably not, I usually go out once a month. Heck, I turned it out so bad last time. I may need two months off.

I saw Lakeview Terrace its a good movie. I still haven't seen The Family that preys.

Have you ever wanted to discipline your boss? You look at them and think you need your @** beat. Please remove yourself from your position

Funny crap has happen all week long and now I can't think of a thing!

Anyway, I've worked like a dog! I need a nap, because I'm struggling to finish with this post.

What now?!

Playing in the background~"Shirts & Skins"

I called it off with Big! Of course, I'm the "confused" guy. I expressed that I still want him around, but the distance wasn't going to work for me. I didn't find the distance to be fruitful for a romantic relationship. Friendship sounds good?! I hurt him, which is making me want to call him and repent. He was good! He thought we could work on it and I was running. He always thought I was running from him. I don't agree with him. He moved faster than most people I know, so I was slowing him down. I just don't know...sigh

I'm just thinking....

Is it real

Big is great! He's such a grown a** man and I love it! He wants to be everything I want. He admires everything from my bushy eyebrows to my southern slang. He finds my symmetry so attractive. Who pays that much attention?

However, I don't feel that magical feeling your suppose to feel when you are talking to someone. Actually, I haven't felt it in years (sigh...she was special). Am I capable? The question is have I allowed myself to get excited over an individual? hhhmm...I doubt it. This man is captured by a great deal of who I am and he has his sh*t together. No current or prior suitors come close to what he offers. Every time I go out he gains more points. He genuinely likes me. I think he's cool, but I don't feel sparks flying. Idunno?! We are definitely in two different places. He is ready to "marry" and I'm just getting my feet wet in the lifestyle. This time last year I had never talked to a guy on a romantic level.

What are the options? Go like most to clubs, parties, etc hoping this person pops up with a magical potion that makes me feel all warm inside. Hell, I have in my grasp on what most people are looking for. It's not like I have people beating my door down for a date

Give me your thoughts? When was the last time someone made you feel excited and anxious? Am I looking for something that may not exist? I wonder if I'm blocking myself

Update

Playing~Get up"- Mary Mary

This has been a very social weekend!

• Slick has been in and out of a funk for the pass two weeks and it's killing me. He felt a juke in his bones Friday, so we decided to head to the club.
• Bad move! He enjoyed himself, but he was trippin' about his lack of dance partners. He isn't getting play, so he is really questioning himself.
  
• I was not in the mood to go out, so he was afraid I wouldn't dance. I turned the freakin' club out. My alter-ego decided to come out and play. He hasn't shown up in some time. I definitely represented for my home state (we invited booty music, you can't out do me.). This dude was trying to take me home and poke me. You no poka me, me a poka you. My dancing is quite misleading in most cases.
• To make matters worse, after the club we went to this guy's house. Slick is casually talking to this dude and he's trying to flirt with both of us. When I tell you a HELL NAWL rose up in Slick's spirit I was shocked. He wasn't mad at me, but he couldn't believe the dude kept coming for me even when I was clearly encouraging them to get together.
• I've sent him uplifting/funny personalize text message and encouraged him verbally, but he wants to be salty. I'm convinced that he enjoys the gloom. He does it too often. He needs to take a que from MJB ("work that") and chill out.
• I purchased Ms. Black this weekend. My friends have all given their Berries great reviews. I was up for a renewal and I wanted a phone that would last me for awhile, so I picked up Ms. Berry. She is giving me what I need.
• My place is still not together. I had a whole week to get my stuff together and it seems like I've been spinning my wheels. I lost so much space, so I've been given clothes away to make my stuff fit in my closet and two dressers.
  
• I met Mr. "Corey". He graciously invited me to a birthday party for one of his friends. I was a little nervous because I came by myself, I had no ideal what to wear (birthday party at a club...hhmmm) and Corey refused to respond to my text.
  
• I'm going to get him for putting me on blast about this blog.
  
• Corey will sneak you, so don't sleep on him. Parker is cute too.
  
• I felt slightly over dressed (button down with jeans), but I didn't look out of place. Corey helped me mingling with people and it worked out. I was a little cautious, because you know the kids are vicious. They will give you the side eye real quick. However, those people weren't entertained. I really enjoyed them being left in a corner to talk about people by themselves. Mfers get a hobby!
  
• The Crowd was diverse. You had guys who were dressed like kid & play and very professional career oriented people. You couldn't lose if you came to meet and greet...lol.
• Speaking of fine, about 60% of the attendees were HOT! One guy was so fine I took a moment of silence to reverence God and his parents, but something about him screamed tacky.
• The birthday boy was so humble. You would have never known it was his birthday. He was just adorable. He's cute too
  
• One guy who I mingled with talked me into drinking. I thought what the heck, I might as well. I drunk this big drink like I was a pro and it gave me the buzz of my life. He wanted me to keep drinking I was like oh no! One more would have made me a hot mess! I almost got the courage to tell him. Your print is showing through your jeans...BIG TIME!
  
• Children stop brining your fag-hags to everything you are invited to. I know you love her and she thinks she has a penis, but she doesn't! There is a difference between a woman who befriends a gay male and a fag hag. I don't like fag hags!
• Sunday, I went to church with fear of the Lord in my heart. I was praying that the church didn't blow up when I walked in. Boy, was I in for a treat. The pastor preached his socks off. I complete forgot about how HOT my neighbor was. Slick had to have a moment with the Lord about his thoughts towards this man. I refrained from Communion, but I was blessed by his words. I'm still happy now!
• God is so faithful! I have been being contray, but feeling his presence lets me know he is still there.
• Hopefully, this makes sense....update me
  

Update

Playing~"The 1"-Janet Jackson

I've moved from the amusement park. I missed the space already, but I'm happy to have left the most deplorable management staff. A ran into a few maintenance issues with my new places, but they are being fixed as I type. Comcast is coming to fix the mess they left. Okay, let's get to the stuff you guys came to read about (Pride, BIG, and my family visiting).

Pride was uneventful for me. I went to one club (trademark). I was underwhelmed by this experience. A lot of people, but nothing to make note of. I've had much more fun with just the atliens being in the building. I didn't tell you guys about this experience I had about a month ago. It was real hot, but I swear that negro was rollin' (on x). speaking of, people will shock you. I found out that an associate and a friend of my roll. Well, my friend decided to try it because his friend got some in the club. I was like WTF?!

He has finally been given a name...BIG. We went on a date on Friday Night. He just kept staring at me, which was kinda cute. He didn't want the date to end. However, I had friends to meet, so I was trying to keep it moving. We reconnected on Sunday. I finally saw Dark Knight. It was good, but people really hyped it up. During the movie I discovered what his name should be...lol. I was on my best behavior, but he wasn't trying to coporate. He wanted to leave the movie. I was like "ahh...no!" Anyway, we did end up back at his place, because he wanted to "talk". We didn't talk for too long. For the presumptious ones, I didn't give it up. Well, there was no penetration. Actually, I didn't have to do much at all. I was more of a buffet. I felt some kinda way about going that far (it's only been 3 weeks). I've never went that far with a dude before. I felt some of it was out of obligation. Trying to show affection and progression, but I didn't intend for it to go that far. I'm trying to make sure I don't project that on him, because I'm an adult. I'm also trying to muddle through my issues, his issues, and our issues. He is quite demanding of my time, energy, body, etc. I don't like that! Don't try to take me further than I'm ready to go. Tuesday, we reconnected.

My family came helped me move, cooked, and kept me busy. I love my family. They are so more upfront than me. I've soften over the years. I ditched them Friday for BIG and Trademark. Saturday we moved and I had to take to get some money, so she could shop (her poor boyfriend). I took her to Lenox on Saturday and she was overwhelmed. "Where the real niggas at?!" I had to explain to her what was going on in the city. She still took awhile to adjust. She also had questions about Slick. I said "ask him and why is it important to you"? My mother was in her typical mode (supervisor). She is seeing more of a different side of me, which caued her to throw the side eye at me. We didn't have a chance to discuss my sexuality. She did make it clear she wanted grandkids and stuff.

Anyway, that sums up everything...how did your weekend pan out?