Day Dreamin'

"Day Dreamin'"-Tamia

Is anyone familiar with Tamia's record "Almost". The gist of the song is someone is having desires/memories/feelings for a relationship that never happen. I'm not dating, but I'm doing something. What it is....I don't know. As of now, it's nothing, but it definitely has some potential. A mutual friend wanted us to meet, which I thought nothing of. This friends thinks he is DL, but he is definitely not fooling me. Because of his "status" and how I thought he viewed me...I didn't think it was one of those..I think y'all would be cute together type of things (still not sure if it is).

We met at a dinner party, but nothing resulted of that. He was really shy. I even told him to contact our mutual friend to get my number. He never did. The mutual friend kept bringing it up. I blew it off. Well, recently I was determine to get out and meet people. Even if I had to do somethings I never do. I contacted him. We talked briefly, but the second time we talked until I had to go to bed. I enjoyed the conversation. Now, I'm stuck trying to figure out is there something extra here or is this person really just being nice to me. Of course, nobody is putting their cards on the table, because that was never established. Second, I'm not sure I'm ready for that (this is my first time entertaining a man..I usually blow them off or avoid it all together).We are going to hang out this week. I called my committee of gays (two friends I have). They keep me in the loop of what's going on in the community. He hasn't done anything in particular (well, random text messages, some borderline flirtatious comments, and the mutual friend prying..are suspect). Both are like there is something, but you will know for sure tonight. Eyes don't lie..pay attention to the eyes. Okay, back to the song...why am I trying to put things together. Like hhmm..how would this work, the future, will I get bored, etc. I'm 3 months ahead and nothing has happen yet. I'm a mess. I'm like this in every arena, so I shouldn't be a surprise.

Edit: I just talked to him and now I'm really confused. More people are being throwin' in the mix for the two days this week. However, I've been invited over whenever he decides to throw down in the kitchen again (this is without ppl) and he wants to come over (that's a no). See the confusion

Makings of me

Sometimes I reflect on myself and I'm amazed. Amazed at my growth and how much I've overcome.

Younger version of me: I was insecure and color struck. Wondering why all the red boys got the love letters and I didn't get any. I remember staying in the house for a good portion of one summer because I didn't want to get any darker.
Now: Insecurities are next to non-exist. There are some areas I wish to improve, but I'm not insecure about any opportunities I may have as a person. My complexion is something I'm fond of.

Younger version of me: My temper was really bad and I thought fighting was the only way I could demonstrate my frustration. It's like I would blank out for a second and not realize what was going on. For example, I stab my own cousin over a game. I didn't realize how serious it was until the ambulance arrived. I just went off.
Now: I'm so slow to be angry. Most people would never aspect that I could be so violent. I'm so quick to realize it's not worth it. My temper can still be a challenge, but now, I'm good at expressing to people how I feel about something and move on or disassociate myself from whatever it is that is frustrating me.

Younger version of me: I was slightly dyslexic and struggled with learning the curriculum. It was to the point that I had to get tested. The tested revealed my comprehension was fine.
Now:I graduated from one of the best universities (public) and my college is ranked in the top 10 per Newsweek. Even though on rare occasions I struggle to this day. I don't when it will happen it just does. It's like my mind stops processing things correctly for a moment.

Younger version of me: Even though, I was somewhat of an loner, but somehow, I was always popular (you figure it out). I sought love and validation from other people. I compromised integrity, morals, and my body to be validated and loved by people.
Now: I realize that the greatest love and validation comes from you and God. I'm so in love with me (not in the conceited way). If you have to compromise anything to be loved and/or validated by someone they don't want you. They want whomever they have created in their mind...plain and simple.

I'm grateful for everything that has occurred in my life. The humble up bringing (it made me tough and appreciative), the self-doubt (it made me dig deeper..I'm so confident now), the doubters (they gave me drive), the molester (you taught me forgiveness..it's so easy now), the betrayals (weirdly this taught me trust)..the list goes on. All of these experienced made me!

Had to get it off my chest

Playing~"Can't let got"-Anthony Hamilton
Today, was one of those days. You know, when you feel like you need some companionship. Some good conversation, great vibes, and compatibility. *sighs* Not to be cocky, but I got my stuff together. I have a job (w/ benefits, 401K, etc), my own place (no roommates), educated (college graduate), my own car (paid for), and I'm at the very least semi-attractive (who am I kidding..I'm HOT!).

Playing~"I'm not that type"-Fantasia

My friends say, I really don't want to date, because usually if I want something I make it happen. I don't know if I agree with them, but I do know, I could put myself out there more. I rarely go places and I'm usually on the phone when I do go out. Matter of fact, that happen tonight. I was in Wal-mart. This person (guy) kept checking for me, but I was busy talking to my friend. He came to my aisle like 3 times and I got the feeling he was checking to see if I was off the phone yet, because he never brought anything on that aisle. He original was passing the aisle I was on, but decided to view something on my aisle. We spoke and he kept it moving. Then, he came back to the asile and just look down the aisle and not at the merchandise. I was the only person ont he aisle. HHMMM...maybe I am blocking myself self-consciously. The sexuality thing is an issue. Finding both attractive makes me not want to go with either, because I don't want to confuse anyone and I will not be a DL person...that's just too much going on. Okay, I'm moving on! I'm realize this blog is turning into my coming out process.

Playing~"I find it hard to say (rebel)"-Lauryn Hill

Homophobia and conversation (Boy, I had a lot to say)

Ever so often, I'm reminded why people keep their sexual preference private. Homophobia (varying in levels) is very real. For example, when someone says your car is gay; there is no doubt, they think your car is wack. Just the word gay has negative connotations...can anyone disagree with me (after that example)? Even though I have never been with a man, but for the mere fact that I find some men attractive (in the uummpphh way..lol) associates me with the homosexuals. I've found, even the gays don't like the gays. I don't get it?!

A page out of my life:
I was not aware that given another male a blatant compliment was an unspoken law amongst men. This law was introduced to me when I was in middle school. Six or seventh grade to be exact. We were all getting in line to get our food out of the cafeteria. And someone thought this dude gave another dude a compliment, which cause him to defend his masculinity for all it was worth. He gets loud and ignorant saying "What? That is so gay. What do I look like giving that man a compliment? Do I look gay?" Apparently, he didn't because that ended the accusation of him giving another guy a compliment. I was standing there observing the whole thing. A question came to my mind, what does giving a compliment to another guy has to do with your sexual orientation? I was a little confused. We do know when someone is ugly, right? Consequently, we know when they are handsome, right? I grew up around mostly women, so I never really paid this any attention, but trust I made a mental note not to compliment anyone of the same sex. I never did before, but I made a conscious decision not to. After all, I didn't want to be accused of being gay. But the question still remains, how does complimenting someone tell you about their sexuality? Women do it all the time. "Girl you look good?" Well, I wasn't asking, but I had a clear understand that your androgen level was definitely called into question if you did.

"Nothing even matters"~Lauryn Hill & D'angelo

Until this day, I don't have a concrete answer of why statements of this nature are so detrimental to your sexual orientation. Again, women give each other compliments all the time. Shoot! They talk about each others @$$es, breast, thighs-you get the point. Rather or not I understand it completely I definitely abide by the rules. You DON'T give blatant compliments. You say something is cool, tight, cold, mean, fresh, fly, whatever. And the compliment is never direct, it's always about an item they have on or that belongs to them. If a guy called another guy fine or something to that effect, I could understand the eyebrows raising (for the most part). That definitely implies something, but does it mean that this person is gay? After reading all these books women are like H-to the YEAH!

I just find male-to-male conversation so interesting. I am a male myself and I'm puzzled from time-to-time. I'm like darn, when did we get this insecure. However, I have been guilty of this myself, so I can't talk too much. However, I'm not like some of these guys. There has been many times when guys say something to or about another male in a complimentary way, but they give like 5 disclaimer concerning that sexuality before they say it (the compliment that is). I find it somewhat puzzling. That makes me question it...what are u so afraid of? So a straight male can become a gay male in an instant if he gives another male a compliment? That's what we are implying essentially. Give me your feedback?

11 because I said so

1. Why do people keep lying on their d**ks? I haven't seen anyones, but I was in a conversation with a group of friends/associate and one person was talking about their sexual adventures and their size change like 3 times. I was so close to calling them out.
2. Me being horny and not do anything about it is becoming a challenge. Am I up for the fight?
3. Tamia's new album is the best, right?
4. Could someone tell guys it's not a good look to hate on another guy. All the sucking of the teeth and carrying on is for the ladies......LEAVE THE DRAMA AT HOME! You too can go shopping to get your gear right.
5. I think my mother thinks I'm all kinds of sluts (I came in her house at 4 am and ~6am). NOTHING OF THAT NATURE WAS GOING ON THAT'S FOR SURE!
6. I think my friend is slowly gaining a porn addiction. I'm like....you need to stop with the tube, but I'm also thinking hhmm...maybe I need to check it out..lol.
   
7. I WAS SO CLEAN (looking very attractive) THIS WEEKEND......I WAS DOING THE HEISMAN ON THEM H**S!
8. Another date fell through...Ladies, I'm almost over you all.
9. What's going on with Tim Hardaway?
10. Does anyone think Obama should gain just a little more experience to establish himself as a strong(er) Presidential candidate? Don't try to kill me for saying that
11. You know, I feel Jennifer Holiday, but she is about to make me tired with all of this "I"m the original" crap.

What about your friends?

Birds of a feather flock together, right? I don't know if I completely support that statement. If you are friends with someone, there are somethings you have in common, but it's a dangerous thing to make people guilty by association.

Does anyone have a friend(s) that is unstable as Florida's weather? You know not to bank on a lot things they say or plan, because they are just flat out unreliable. Lawd, I have two friends like that and both of them pulled a crappy move this weekend. I wasn't even mad, because I know them. You have that moment of "I'm going to kill them", but you get over it quick. Our conflict is obvious!

Then, I have the HNIC (Head Negro In Charge) friend. Great personality, natural leader, and for the most part has my back. On the contrary, he is double standard (proud about it), very persuasive (can come across manipulative from time to time), and dominate. I think I come off passive (nice/easy going), but that's because of my desire not to start any trouble. However, I'm not the one to flex on. I can also be dominate and very strong minded, which is our conflict.

I also have victim. I love this friend to death, because he is faithful. I can count on him most of the time and I believe he would never do anything with the intentions to hurt me. However, victim is just that a victim in too many situation and that aggravates me to death. I believe to a degree people have the lives they want. If your too lazy to go out and change your life...you deserve whatever you get.

Then, I have my faithful few (about 3-5 people). We don't talk much, but when we do we make up for the old and the new. They support me and believe in me. Sometimes they call just because they are having issues and they know I'm a good listener. Plus, I usually give some sound advice.

How are you and your friends?

Contentment

I am content!!! Sometimes that's the best place you can be. Things aren't a good as they could be, but not as bad as they could be.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."-Philippians 4:11

This is not going to turn into a religious blog, but I must admit. I'm feeling good and spiritual these past couple of days. I'm sure I'll have some more diverse post coming after this weekend...it's schedule to be off the charts with fun and drama.

Moments of praise

Today, I received a letter from someone who is in jail. I read the first page and I was a little touched, but didn't put much thought into it. Before I knew it, I was reflecting on my life and thought "it could have been me". The spirit of thanksgiving came down on me and I thought I would share. My spirituality is somehting I don't share on here often, but is definitely a big part of me. This song came to me while having a moment of praise:

Mary Mary singing "Thank You"


He can just sing
J. Moss medley (this brother can sing)

I love being a brotha

If your curious just ask me h##

Playing~dig a hole"-Jay-z (this my joint...getting my swagger on)

I hate when people try to invite themselves into an area of your life when you haven't invited. It's even worst when they assume something and try to confirm it. I prefer for you to just ask if your that curious, but be careful of what you ask me. I still may go off, because you aren't invited.

There was this young lady who I barely knew in college at the event(see previous post). Of course, she is by herself, so she clings to me like she has known me her whole life. I realize this young lady is subtly trying to figure out if I'm gay, straight, or bi-sexual. The first attempt happen when she asked me about the workshops I would attend. I answer the question, but brush my first assumption off, because it really could be nothing. Then, five minutes later she asked what type of outreach am I going to participate in. I said "IT'S OUTREACH...I'll reach out to whomever needs my help." Then, comes the direct/indirect question...we are at the table view pamphlets and other material. She picks up a pamphlet and it's for homosexual and bi sexual men. She hands it to me like you could help out here. On GP (general principle) I'm suppose to eat her a** up, but she doesn't know me. I'm not offended by the pamphlet, but I am offended that she is fishing. The black guy who was manning the table was waiting on how I was going to respond, because when I look up from the pamphlet he is looking directly at me. I politely say to her "You're assuming a lot" and she tries to laugh it off and agreed she was. The black guy at the table enjoyed my response, because he laugh out loud himself, which let me know he was listening. I don't know what was so funny...maybe the ambiguity of my response or how I was nicely telling her back the f*#% up. Anyway, we kept it moving. She attempted something similar to this again, but not as direct. That time I just look at her like what's going on and you need to back up. She tried it one more time (this time less direct than the prior one) and I told her "you've taken stabs at me twice and if you do it again, I'm going to stab you back and your not going to like it." I didn't have another problem with her for the rest of the day.

In addition, she kept mentioning recruiting me. I think she is apart of this weird church group, so I gave her my home phone number instead of my cell, because I screen those much better and I rarely check my messages. I wake up after being dog tried and who has left me a message already.....her

*I don't cuss even though this post my imply otherwise

mis-education

Playing~"Deliverance will come"-Shea Norman

I've been involved in HIV/AIDS stuff since my sophomore year in college. Atlanta has a lot of organizations here to aid in the fight against HIV/AIDS, so I thought it was time for me to get involved. I wanted to volunteer with a local HIV/AIDS organization here, but you have to attend this all day class (8 hours). Well, I woke up Saturday ready to go. I got there and I was offend.

One workshop along with a few other things was just wrong! I realize the downlow is in people's mind, but I didn't know how deep. A Professor from Morehouse College helped me realize how deep it is even in the minds of scholars. "Black women rates are so high, because of the down low." "I'm not saying white men aren't on the down low, but they are using condoms and black men aren't."(sidenote: I don't disagree that the downlow is a major issue in the black community, but I don't think that it is THE ISSUE) I could have just went through the floor. LADY SEAT YOUR @** down! I hate when ignorant (that's not a bad word...u simply don't know or are misinformed) people have a mic and speak with certainty. You have about 50+ people listening to you and they are going to go back and tell people the exact same thing. I took it upon myself to inform her otherwise after the workshop. "Actually, recent studies are showing that black males rates are more alarming than black females....why do you think it continues to be present as black females, when research is showing the contrary?" I think she got where I was going with my question...scholar get your facts right.

First, what are your feelings on the downlow? Second, why do you think there is no focus on the crisis black males are facing regarding this disease? The professor thinks it's because those numbers are estimates. Ms. all of this is estimate! Give me any additional thoughts you have about this post