I'm still here (random info)

Playing~"Bad Habit"-Maxwell

• This season change is causing me to feel the relationship bug..sigh.
• I hate to admit that! arrgghh
• You feel it too...don't front
• Good luck with that
• You think we are in a financial recession? Try dating
• However, a** and/or d*ck is plentiful in my city.
  
• People are willing to give their bodies as oppose to their minds...go figure
• I ain't mad...those hormones will get you!
• Speaking of, I've been kicking hormones a** for 3 months!
• Let me stop frontin', it's been more like a heavy weight 12 round fight
• *sigh* me and those rules of mine
• When I do f*#&....I'm going stupid. I want to hear some f*#king screaming, moaning, cussing, etc.
  
• whew...see what happens
  
• Friends have been a great outlet
  
• However, all they do is encourage me to f*&#
• The good boy in me will not die!!
• d*mn him
• I decided to do something about my career. I was tired of hearing myself complain.
• I'm studying for the GMAT. Well, I don't know if I should call it that.... I'm slacking so hard. I test in less than a month. smh
  
• I brought a new car.
• His name is G.
• What have you been up to?
  

What about your friends?

While I'm sitting in the window listening to the US Marshalls question my friend I'm truly amazed at what people can do when you let them into your world. I knew something was up with this dude after the second time we hung out. However, he was my friend's really good friend, so I decided to override my hesitation. I decided to just keep my guards up. Everything is cool. Everywhere we go people know him (he had a pretty good porn career(?)). He's crazy, keeps you laughing and is free hearted. Time goes on and my friend makes a comment about the guy and I let all of my opinions flow. Long story short this negro is a stunt queen! He has warrants everywhere. To varying degree all of us have been affected by his craziness. You have to be so careful about who you allow in your world. Thankfully I kept him at a distance, so I didn't get effect directly. If so, I would have tore that @** out of the frame (we almost came to blows at Sizzle). The good thing about me and my crew we always get the last laugh. Pose for the camera *click* *click* .

It starts now

I keep putting decisions off. Out of fear of the unknown or the hope for something better. I Try to plan for all of life's contingencies. Thus, I miss out on a lot of opportunities. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to realize the life I'm planning for is already in progress. It will not start when I get a new job, move, or meet someone

* I deleted the Dorion post. I wouldn't want someone to post my photos. Plus, a mutual friend said he's really upset about.

Recap

Playing"Fix my hat"-Lil Wayne

I have some many things that have transpired that could have been a post, but I'll do a random post. All of things aren't related to me directly

• What should you expect after a sexcapade with someone you haven't known very long or establish a real relationship with? If you didn't hear from him again would you feel a certain way?
• Could you date a stripper? If you dated him, could you trust him?
  
• Bottoming for the first time...how was your experience? Did you do it for a special occasion or were you just that turn on by the guy.
  
• Is Dating someone your friend "talk to" for a short period a violation of you guys friendship?
• Is anyone heading out of town for memorial day weekend? Are you working out to make sure your body is in tip top shape? I've given a half butt effort without much progress. If your going to Miami, I'll see you there.
  
• What if you found out one of your closet friends was gay? You tried to confide in them years ago they acted like they couldn't relate. Little did you know they were years ahead of you in the game. Would you call them out?
• Would you feel bad for putting your ace out of your house? You have went beyond your call of duty as a friend more than once when it comes to housing him. Would you think twice about switching your locks after your agree upon exit date?
• Would you look at an associate differently if you found out they did porn
  

where am i to go?

Playing~"I tried"-J. Holiday

Am at a very weird place in my life. I've grown too much for where I am and I have no ideal where I'm going. For an ambitious person I am lacking direction...BIG TIME! I don't know what to do with myself career wise. I've been at my current employer for 3 years. Amidst all of the BS, I've obtain a few promotions and gain a great reputation throughout the organization. There is a problem, I've always viewed this job as a stepping stone and my ticket to Atlanta. If I was going to stay with the organization, I definitely would go to the corporate office. Well, no more corporate office ( the Atlanta office closed). I've been identified as a flight risk, so they are trying to push me to the next level. When they asked questions about what I want to do, I never have a solidified answer.

I'm so over this job. I'm becoming short of despondent. The only thing that keeps me going now is my reputation. I've thought of going back to school, which is typical for a college graduate who finds themselves unhappy with the job market. However, that would cause me to downsize my life. Basically, I'll have to get a roommate (sigh). I haven't obtained any major debt (i.e. new car, etc).

I realize I haven't found my passion. I don't find myself too enthused about anything in particular. I'm concerned! I'm great at event planning. While in college I put on events that people are still trying to duplicate (4 years later). I lead well. Thus, my success at my current job (manager). I just need to find something that's meaningful for me and pays well. I'm certain half of America could echo that line.

Okay, enough self-loathing

So many things to say now

Playing~"knock you down"-Keri ft. ne-yo & Kanye W.

Work:
This year is has been quite the experience. My company like many others experienced huge lay offs. I wasn't laid off. I fought to keep some of my employees who were displaced. Within in weeks, my boss's boss announces he has been promoted. BIG ISSUE for me! He has guided my career up until this point. Everyone at the job has a love\hate relationship with me because of him. Even though, my results out perform 80% of my peers I'm already catching hell. Now, I'm left with Senior Managers who I don't respect. One who thinks he still a bully in high school. I'm on his committee and I reject his approach (imagine the dynamics). Another who is constantly trying to prove me wrong (80% of the time she has to apologize, because she is wrong). She is my immediate boss! The other two seniors don't have an opinion about anything! Everyone already knows I don't enjoy this job as it is....now this! I had plans on leaving in August, but I need to move that date up!

Social:
My social life has picked up BIG TIME! I reconnected with a college friend and we "came out" to each other, which is the cause of my increased social life. I've been eating out and partying with them for about three weeks. I forgot how much work it is to gain friendship...whew.

Location:
I'm so over my job that I'm willing to move to get out of it. I have a potential job offer in another state. Last year I declined it, because I was just starting to get on the scene in Atlanta. I just had to see what it was all about. The job pays more and I will not have to pay state taxes (that's another increase). I'm just torn, because I'm finally getting a good consistent circle of friends. However, my job doesn't prepare me for what I foresee myself doing in the future. I definitely will choose my career.

Other crap is going on as well, but those are the ones that have my mind going.

Random things
Did Keri Hilson jump out of the box or what
Andre 3000 reveals he is a very attentive lover to Playboy

Okay, enough rambling I should have been getting ready for work 13 mins. ago.

No agenda

Playing~"Gonna find my love"-Brandy

My friends and I are trying something different. We are taking a different approach to dating. We called it "no agenda". The concept is quite simple. Let your relationship progress naturally. We treat someone who is interested in us like we would treat a new associate. Ultimately, the ideal is for your partner to become your best-friend, right? Before we become lovers, lets become friends. Trying to do it in reverse is not working out to well.

This guy is interested in me and I'm sticking to my no agenda approach. I'm not sure if he is confused by it or just needs for things to move faster. I'm certain it's the latter. We had a conversation that went like this:

*we are in the middle of a conversation*
Him:Hold on
Me:Alright
Him: This boy keeps texting me. How do you want me to respond?
Me: {I know he is not pulling this BS} If you want to respond, respond. If you don't, then don't
Him:I don't like him
Me:{why are you telling me this} so don't respond
Him:Yeah, I haven't respond to him, but he keeps texting
Me:You have so many men. Go ahead with you bad self
Him:Nawl, I'm just trying to get one man.
Me:{sigh...he was doing so good until this BS}
Him: Hey, I have to hit you back.
Me:alright

I was so disappointed that he tried that juvenile mess. What type of new flanged sh*t is he on. I wasn't expecting something like that from a guy who is so smart. BIG made that same mistake. He was much less subtle, but that was part of the reason he is not around now. Sidenote: I think about him everyday. Anyway, I think everyone should take the "no agenda" approach. If you try it, let me know how it works out for you.

Unsure

I don't know if I really want you
You're safe for me
Your established, mature, and stable
I'm still not sure if I want you
You want me so bad
it makes me feel weird, because I don't want you as bad
You have been the only man to approach me correctly
which excited me
I felt like someone finally has sense
It immediately made me feel comfortable
and I'm still not sure if I want you
I think I feel like I should want you
I definitely don't want to look around realize I'm the old lonely dude at the bar
I'm afraid of being that guy
so much so it makes me want to be completely enthrotled with you
but I don't get that feeling
I don't feel extremely excited
I get anxious because you are the first man I've officially talked to
but I don't get overwhelmed
I'm not sure if the feeling even exist
I sure hope it does
I don't want to date you just because you can occupy some time
I shoulf desire you here
I'm just not sure

*random thought floating through my head about him. I hope it makes sense. I have to run to work.*

Commitment????

After being all excited and feeling like I spoke him into my life I'm faced with reality. Yeah, it's been less than two weeks and the infatuation is over. It's such ashame, is it not? I'm wondering if I'm committing self-sabotage. Am I purposely finding flaws to make him less significant? Probably. Does his pace scare me? DEFINITELY! He wants to meet my mother. Are you kidding? I vaguely remember how he looks (he's been out of town on business). I remember not being blown away (he was alright). He had to be decent if I gave him my number, right? Do I see a power struggle coming my way? Most definitely! Whenever I feel like I'm losing my independence I will push back real hard. I don't need a dad. He is ready for a life long commitment I can tell by our conversation. I thought I was ready for something real, but am I really? I DON'T KNOW! I'm full of crap! All this talk about finding something real. I have great potential in front of me and now I'm getting scared. I need my a** kicked. He's too old for me, I think. See there goes another excuse...sigh. How do I go from wanting this experience and this man to questioning everything. Am I afraid of love or the potential of this situation? He's coming with his stuff together that's for sure. Whatever...I'm going to make a conscious effort not to kill this experience. Even though, I'm already poking holes in the foundation.

Mr. Real Thang

I received the e-mail inviting me to your going away party two weeks ago. I still haven't opened the evite. My reply would only further damage our non-existing relationship. It's weird how you still will not contact me yourself. I have casually reached out to you once in a time of need. No response, which definitely lets me know I shouldn't come to the party. I knew the whole time you were not the one! I tried anyway. Twice I was surprise by mystery boyfriends.

I reflect on the time we shared and laugh my a** off. You were the first guy to jack me off. A few minutes later you revealed you had a boyfriend, so that's why you couldn't finish me off. You didn't cheat as long as no one came (wtf). Seconds after that you revealed that I had been looking at your boyfriend the whole time. I was floored. I remember a few weeks later we stopped talking.

Months later a mutual friend came in town and you used him to get us back together. A month later you were pressing hard to "know me". I messed around and freaked your a** out. Your talking and moaning still is HOT to me (f**k when you say my name..whew). The rest of it was ahhh...uneventful. I remember the day I told you how disappointed I was. You had every excuse. Thank God! We didn't f**k! How do you let a virgin show you up? You've been making out for years. I was amused! I remember being devastated the morning after you left. The good church boy was being naughty...lol. "Life, we didn't really do anything. Stop beating yourself up." By that night, I was cool. Two weeks later you stayed over again. I bet you just knew it was going down. I taught you intimacy that night. You struggled at first, but you enjoyed a nonsexual night.

You exposed me to a few things in Atlanta and introduce me to a lot of good people. Most of them don't talk to me now. You shielded me from the gay scene. You didn't want the negative influence. Plus, you have to keep up your image. You could be a senator or something one day.
You and I both know I was the realist man you've ran into. You didn't admit it, but you definitely couldn't deny it. I was the only guy who sharpened you mentally, feed you spiritual ( I had tears in your eyes on more than one occasion), and intrigued you sexually. I called you often on how bad of a brother I was. You could never do anything, but smile. I'm sure your tale of this pseudo relationship is different. Perception is something is it not?

You served your purpose, so I don't regret anything. I think that's why it's easier for me to be cordial. My attendance to this party wouldn't be a good thing. It may come across real nasty now, but trust me it's better for me not to attend.

Sincerely,

Your Real Thing

Flashing Lights

Playing~"Need You Bad"-Jazmin Sullivan

I was offered a job that has me debating about my stay in Atlanta. The job will pay a couple thousand more and I will not pay state taxes, which will make the raise $5-7 thousand. It's in an industry I really don't know anything about, but I've worked the operations manager before, so he wants me to join his team. If I take the job I have to say bye bye to Atlanta, Ga.

This opportunity has caused me to reflect on my time here and why I came to Atlanta. I saw Atlanta as the promise land for black people. Anytime I visited I saw young black professionals all around town in their nice cars, eating at nice restaurants, etc. Atlanta seemed like the place to be if you were an up and coming young black professional. I also saw Atlanta as a place for me to explore my sexuality. I thought to myself, "I will have the freedom there to satisfy my curiosity".

I've been thinking about my progress in those two areas. Professionally, I'm not doing bad, but I'm definitely not what I envision in my head. I'm working my little a** off. There is no glamour! I make decent money. My potential growth with the company is high, but sometimes I absolutely loath my job. All in all, is not bad.

My sexuality has been explored to a decent degree. The first year I was here I didn't explore much at all. Plan B came into the picture and stirred things up a bit. Other than him I ran into a few freaks. They just wanted to get f**ked or f**k me, which immediately turned me off. Well, one was MY GOD (raises his hand in praise)! I've been to a couple of clubs (~4). Other than that nothing!

I'm wondering to myself was I allured by the flashing lights and how long am I willing to wait for one to shine on me. Should I take the money, pack up my crap and move to Florida?

Playing~"should I go"-Brandy

random thoughts

I can't overcome this feeling. It's so ingrained in my head. I can't defeat it. I keep saying I'm ready to date and such. However, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I wonder, will I be a good boyfriend? What about sex? That topic comes up pretty quick in conversation. I really don't have an answer. I typically answer with what's most true to how I feel. Will I ever have that magical moment that draws me to someone? Is that just a figment of my imagination? Why can't I just have fun? Nawl, that lead me to Plan B and that was truly a mess. WTF was I thinking! He progressed way further than he should have. Lord, just the thought! He had some great attributes, but I didn't have chemistry with him. Thus, I refuse to entertain anyone who I don't feel something for upfront. I'm sure this aids in my lack of dating. You typically can't get that from seeing someone in the club or walking pass them in the mall/grocery store. Okay, this post is not suppose to be about this. I guess out of the fullness of the heart the hands write. You can't get your dream the first time out of the gate. You have to kiss a few toads to get your prince, but I don't want no d**n toads. Let's skip that and get right to the prince....sigh.

What should I do?

I knew I would run into him sooner or later. A brief awkwardness separated my initial greeting to you. I spoke first, because I knew your pride would have you at a lost for words. You respond accordingly and the awkwardness returns just as swiftly as it left. I'm determine to get rid of the weirdness, which is my way of communicating to you "you were never that serious to me". I start a conversation about topics we never finish discussing, because our whatever you want to call it ended so abruptly. You let me know about your many successes. I wished you well. I inform you about my happenings. You let me know everyone keeps asking about me. I give them my regards. I also discover your single now. I knew that wasn't going to last. Then, I discover a mutual associate is joining the group. PROBLEM!!! This mutual friend was persistent about getting the ding ding. JESUS!! I thought the awkwardness was gone. The night goes pretty well outside of my phone vibrating all times of the night. You give a slight umph, which I thought was cute.

Now, I'm stuck wondering....should I contact this person to see why we don't talk to each other anymore? I'm sure he thought I dissed him, so he decided he would never speak to me again. ding ding boy and you both had to admit I was looking right...I overheard. Blogsphere what should I do? I don't know if I desire to befriend him at all, but I would like to know why we don't talk. It's probably best that I just leave it alone. As you can see I need your feedback

Also, a mutual friend arranged this gathering (the same guy who was so determine for us to meet). Do you think he knows we had a riff? He sent me a text message that said "I'm glad you came" when I was stuck between ding ding boy and Plan B (this is when we were at the movies). Yeah, shamefully admitting this post is about Plan B

Just Fine

I so embody this song. The ambiguous yearning and "I just wanna be loved" is gone. I have my swag back. I don't know what the flip I was on. I was struggling for like 2 weeks...not a good look. I typically have peace and contentment in just about every state I find myself in.

Work has had minor improvements;however, it's not such much work that has changed, but how I view it. ( I try to pray. "If you can't change it, change me in the situation")

I've been doing a pretty good job about saving money. I keep shopping, but it's working into my budget (somehow). Go me!!!

I received the raise, but it hasn't shown up on my check yet. It should show up on the next check..it better.

I'm still trying to conquer the social aspect. I just don't know...sigh.

Roomie is moving!!! He'll be on the Westside

Before all of this stuff happen I regained my surety in who and what I am. All these recent events were icing on the cake. I've also had some not so great events happen, but they just can't touch my confidence right now.

Me, Myself, and I

I have a knack for removing myself emotionally while still being present in the physical. It’s a coping method that I learned as a child. My mother taught me how to perfect this skill. She was definitely not an emotional person and as a child I was emotional. She absolutely hated that. To her that meant you were weak and no child of hers was going to be a “punk”. I definitely toughen up and as I grew older my skin grew thicker. It can be quite handy, but it can also cause problem, because people think you’re stolid. I’ve been accused of lacking emotion from time to time. I completely disagree with this accusation, but I’m definitely too logical to sensationalize a situation and freak out (it’s so unbecoming).

Now, I have a little problem. I’m not extremely attached to anyone. I think it’s my way of not allowing myself to be hurt or made a fool out of. You guys saw Jill’s character fall apart in “Why Did I Get Married?”. No Sir, not the kid! When I saw her broken up in the hotel I said “see that’s exactly what I’m talking about, I can’t do it”. My roomie goes “umph”, which spoke volumes. It can be a hindrance in my relationships, but it can also hurt me. It gives me this “me against the world” complex. I definitely have some extremely close friends and we share a great deal of our lives with each other, but even they say I can give off an aura of “I love you, but you are disposal”, which is never my intention. I’m just comfortable with doing things alone and I must admit, I definitely only count on me. Not because I don’t believe in people or trust them, but they have circumstances and situation themselves. On rare occasions it can make you feel alone, but most of the time you feel extremely confident and comfortable. I’m not sure what to do about this complex.

Me, Myself, and I

Easy Conversation

Playing~"resentment"-Jazmin S.

One thing I really enjoy about my friends is that we allow each other to be transparent without judgment. We share some of the most tacky, vulnerable, embarrassing, and happiest moments with each other. I think we don't judge each other because we realize that could have been me. I could have made that decision. This doesn't mean we agree on everything, but we respectfully agree to disagree. My friends really don't inter mingle. Outside of rommie/myself/and nosey (he found my blog...he probably is reading now).

Anyway, this question came up when rommie and I were having a moment. What three songs describe your past, present, and life? I pondered a minute and this was my response:

Past: "Be Happy"-Mary J. Blige
This song is my past and sometimes my present song, because that is my desire. When I was younger I always had that feeling of when will I truly be happy. I'm not talking about a moment or a week, but being a happy person (feeling that oneness). The things I did to feel love, happy in my adolescence/early teens years I don't talk about to this day. However, currently I feel pretty darn happy and I'm very comfortable in my own skin.

Present:"Wide Open Spaces" Dixie Chicks
This song fits so well, because it talks about someone going out on their own and making good and bad choices. I feel like I'm definitely in that state. I've always been pretty independent and my own person (sometimes to a fault), but I'm currently choosing my life path. Setting the tone for my future and who I want to be.

Life: "The Rose"-Bette Midler
The words to this song describe my life pretty freakin' well. It's about a person who never experiences life in it's full because they're afraid of all of the consequence that could come with budding. I'm the right down the middle type of guy. I, more than like, always take the safe route in life. I'm very much of the persuasion "if I made the decision, I will pay the price". I don't play the woe is me game. I did it and I will pay the price for whatever I did. Because of that I make decisions with the consequences in mind for the most part. Thus, I rarely do anything that's out there, so I always get mediocre results.

What are your three songs and why did you choose them?

Atlanta

Playing~"All I"-Jill Scott (I'm itching for this album at this point)

I've been here for a year and a month. I don't regret this move at all. I think I've changed in some ways, but for the most part I'm the same ol' Life. I definitely take a few more chances here than I think I would have taken back home. For the most part, I've been pretty successful. I've been promoted a few times. I've been able to sustain myself financially and others (in some cases), so it's been a prosperous time overall. My two biggest challenges have been finding some friends up here and getting connected to the city.

Meeting people here is a challenge. I'm accustom to a setting (i.e. college). I'm personable, but I'm definitely not very quick to befriend people. We all know those people who get too comfortable with you way too quickly. I don't want to be that guy, so I prefer to give you not enough than too much. I usually meet people through some type of work I do (i.e. church, club, organization). I'm not connected to any of those things up here. Everyone knows I'm a solo artist, but when I'm out having fun sometimes I need someone to converse with. You know, "oh look over there, no not him, him." someone to cut a two step with when your jam come on. Feeling this way inspired my previous post, but it's all good. I don't have a sad story. I still go out from time to time. One of my best friends & current roomie is here, so he gives me some connection. We are quite different from each other, which can be interesting from time to time, but over all we definitely identify with each other on some critical points in life and most importantly, I know he has my back no matter what. We all know that's hard to find these days, so if you do work through whatever else.

One thing I can say about Atlanta is there is always something going on. You might not know about it, but there is something going on. I love it, but I rarely enjoy it. I work in a seven day a week business and the job doesn't stop at 5, so I miss a lot of events due to work. Plus, sometimes I'm just beat down physically or emotionally from work and other times I just want to be alone. On top of that, I'm not connected to anything in particular, so sometimes I just completely miss the event all together. I'm not sure how to fix this problem outside of get another job and really get some friends who like to go out. I've met a potential friend, but I think he might be a little mess, so I'm passing.

Anyway, what challenges are you guys facing in your current city? I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR BLACK ON!

Outside

"Irreversibly Falling in between and it's hard to be understood as you are, and God knows that you're standing on your own"

-Mariah Carey "outside"

I had never heard this song by Mariah Carey until a year ago, but someone was talking about how deep the song is. Of course, they played it, because they are in love with her. The song is talking about being neither here or there, not fitting anywhere in particular and accepting it.

I've been "the outsider" all my life. Even though for most of my life I was very popular, I always felt like someone who was looking in. I'm cool with being an outsider, but I have days when I ask why can't I just fit in a little better. Why do I have all these facets, it aggravates me from time to time. My friends think I'm mysterious for some reason. I tell them everything (just about) and sometimes I tell them too much, but they still feel like I’m this complex person. I'm not! The more honest I am the more people misunderstand. Everyone appreciates my blunt, yet, tactful approach. I think we have become so accustom to reading into what people are saying we read too deep. I believe in somethings and at times things conflict. Most times I’m going to choose the safe route. I'm usually never extreme one way or another, which often times leave me on the outside. For example, I am a man, but I'm not crazy over sports, video games, or women. I don’t think the conversation will go very smoothly when they are talking about a play and the cheerleaders and I’m asking what play that was and yeah, she’s cute, but so is number 10. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss your outfit and boys all day either.

Every now and then I just get away from everyone and really don't talk to anyone, because I'm in a zone. During those times I'm gathering myself, evaluating where I am, who I am, who is surrounding me, what they are bringing and taking. And I always come to the conclusion that most (90%) of these people do not fit me well. Most of them are extreme version of me in one area or another. I can't find someone in the middle with me. I'm not saying that their opinions and actions are lacking diversity; they’re just different from me in some way that is a major part of MY TRUTH. They are too much of this or not enough of that. However, a good percentage of these people have my best interest in mind, so I keep them around. We all know it’s really hard to find people who are in your corner. I'm finding a lot of people aren't comfortable with just being them or they are not sure who they are. If I shared that, I’m sure some of them would be offended. And the ones who know who they are have tendency to be too much, I do not know, maybe I'm the problem, but this is my bottom line (I've been rambling for too long). It's tough to be the one who is neither here or there. You never fit well! I say well because I think no one will fit perfectly with anyone you have to work at it. And if you think it's perfect, give it time. Well, I asked this question to the person who is in love with the song, "Do you think it's best to keep things to yourself?" Their response was yes, somethings you keep to yourself, because people may not be able to handle all of you. Are you the outsider? How do you cope? Any feedback is good.

Pay attention

Have you guys seen this article ? I usually don't write about general topics outside of myself on this blog, but this article kinda caught more than my attention. We all have been affected or effected by this disease (HIV/AIDS). What are you doing or have done to effect this issue?

I don't know if people have been paying attention to the Jena 6 case, but I'm beyond amazed at how everything is being handle. Did they really take it this far? Attempted Murder..get the heck out of here.

sigh

Playing~"stronger than pride"-Rahsaan Patterson

I had some funny, interesting, and confessional type post, but my mood is completely off now. I'm not sad, but there is this melancholy that exist. You have everything and nothing in particular on your mind. Your future and how it will manifest itself. Money. Sex and sexuality. How can I get paid and have a sense of fulfillment in a job (does this mfer exist). To sum it up you are wondering what type of legacy you will leave. When I die what will they say or what could be said.

Some of these thoughts were ignited by my visit to the King Center today with my mother. I looked at some of the organizations they were involved in or given membership to and I wonder what happen to them. Do they still exist? If so, what in the heck are they doing? I mean, ppl don't take the NAACP seriously anymore. I'm not saying this is no fault of their own, but dang. I feel like I've allowed my vision to get a little cloudy. I completely left my work with AID Atlanta (heck, I just did start it). I do nothing outside of take care of family and friends who should be taken care of their freakin' self. Two years ago, I was always volunteering and helping out in the community. Now, it's all about my personal time and my job (climbing that ladder). I think me being so focus on me is throwing me off focus. Giving of yourself has a 360 effect.

I'm also aggravated with this job thing. I was of the mindset of you go to work and get a check. You don't go to be fulfilled. I'm starting to disagree with myself. You're there a good portion of your conscious day and you should feel a piece of validation and satisfaction out of your efforts.

I'm also dying to discuss my sexuality with my mom. I missed a perfect opportunity and tried to bring it back up, but she kept change the subject. I just want to let her know. Yes, I find some men sexually attractive. I don't know why I feel so strongly about. It probably has something to do with recent events (a whole nother post). I want to discuss it when my roommie isn't here. I want her real reaction. One of my friends thinks I'm crazy. "Life, just let it be understood", but I just want to say it. I only have two friends who are out to their parents.


I'll be back to discuss "how ppl treat you different when they think you have a nice package". "What I liked and dis-liked about my first pride". My drama last weekend, etc there is definitely a lot going on in Life's world.

I also think I'm over my roommate situation. He has done nothing in particular and quite honestly, I'm going to miss him when he moves or I put him out. However, I also realize I need my space. I'm quite the individual. Maybe if he was a part-time roommate..lol (like 3 day out of the week).