where am i to go?

Playing~"I tried"-J. Holiday

Am at a very weird place in my life. I've grown too much for where I am and I have no ideal where I'm going. For an ambitious person I am lacking direction...BIG TIME! I don't know what to do with myself career wise. I've been at my current employer for 3 years. Amidst all of the BS, I've obtain a few promotions and gain a great reputation throughout the organization. There is a problem, I've always viewed this job as a stepping stone and my ticket to Atlanta. If I was going to stay with the organization, I definitely would go to the corporate office. Well, no more corporate office ( the Atlanta office closed). I've been identified as a flight risk, so they are trying to push me to the next level. When they asked questions about what I want to do, I never have a solidified answer.

I'm so over this job. I'm becoming short of despondent. The only thing that keeps me going now is my reputation. I've thought of going back to school, which is typical for a college graduate who finds themselves unhappy with the job market. However, that would cause me to downsize my life. Basically, I'll have to get a roommate (sigh). I haven't obtained any major debt (i.e. new car, etc).

I realize I haven't found my passion. I don't find myself too enthused about anything in particular. I'm concerned! I'm great at event planning. While in college I put on events that people are still trying to duplicate (4 years later). I lead well. Thus, my success at my current job (manager). I just need to find something that's meaningful for me and pays well. I'm certain half of America could echo that line.

Okay, enough self-loathing

Are you listening?

God speaks to us in unorthodox ways from time to time. A few days ago I was at home trying to watch some of my favorite shows on abc.com. Every time I tried to load the video my computer would freeze. My virus alert would come up letting me know it was blocking the streaming. I kept restarting Explorer and it continue to happen. Then, I decided I need to stop acting like an insane person and try something different. I go to my anti-virus set up and realize my program was set so strict it was blocking the very thing I was trying to enjoy. I disabled that part of the anti-virus program. Then, I went back to explorer and I was able to enjoy watching the show without incident.
The message was simple. At times, we are too guard. So much so, it hinders us from achieving the pleasure we are seeking. Every now and then we have to take down some of those guards, so we whatever joy life could be presenting us. I don't know if this will speak to anyone, but that experience spoke to me. Everyone thinks I'm too self controlled/guarded. God has a funny way of teaching us lesson. He's always speaking/teaching it's up to us to hear/learn. I hope the new year is treating everyone well.

Commitment?

I have commitment issues. It's becoming more and more obvious to me. My situation with him (we'll come him Transition) and buying a new car put the issue right in my face. When it comes down to commitment I always make the noun(s) less valuable. I choose to stick to what's comfortable for me. Please tell me someone else can relate to a degree

mystery

I'm starting to believe something is wrong with me. I cannot stay interested in anyone for a length period of time (less than a month). Is anyone having this problem? I've always been this way. In the past six months, I've met two good guys. Both were into me, but something was missing. What they were missing I can't tell you. Both complained about me being guarded. I'm starting to think it's not the people, its me.

Love, really?

I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.

I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.

Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."

It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.

Playing~Nothing-Brandy

Lies and truths

PH.D ( an older gay friend) tells me from time to time "you're going to end up with a woman". Slick has told me the same thing for years. When PH.D said it for the first time I was taken aback. We had been around each other at the most five times. I immediately tried to defend my gayness...lol. Heck, I'm just getting comfortable and here you are telling me I'm going to end up with a woman. I asked him to explain his logic. He has seen "me" several times. Guys who find men attractive, dated men, and in some cases loved men. However, the lifestyle proved to be lonely, exclusive, and messy, so they left it alone all together. PH.D simply thinks I don't fit into the culture and I'm too logical to stay somewhere I don't fit (this is true). He and I have discussed our logic on this issue several times. Actually, I agreed with a great deal of his reasoning, but my point was "I don't want to live a lie". Do I find woman attractive? Yes. Could I have sex with a woman? Yes. However, there is no denying that I find men attractive. I've always found men attractive.

I hate to admit it, but somedays I feel like PH.D is right. Today is one of those days.

Lessons learned

Thank you for cursing me out for questioning your love. You taught me how to love myself and to appreciate the love someone can show. You didn't love me any less, because you couldn't express your love the way I desired.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who made negative comments about my dark skin. You taught me that my self-esteem is just that SELF-esteem.

Thanks for the innumerable amount of rumors spread! I've learned how to just do me. People will say what they want anyway.

I'm grateful for the season when I stood alone, people hated me, and others who kept their distance because of people's dis-like towards me. For the first time, I wasn't popular in a good way. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and be okay with that!

Even though I released these issues years ago it feels good to reflect on them. I am an overcomer...breathes and exhales. Reflecting on my freedom...God is good!

Happily Ever After

Playing~"Blindfold me"-Kelis

When I went out this weekend I discovered another vice of mine. I've been putting the carriage before the horse. I was out at a concert and I was dancing with the crowd waiting for the artist to come out. There was a group of dudes (who were SGL...what do u guys think of that term?). One of the guys was really cute. I thought aahhmm...I need to talk to him. I was thinking about how to approach this situation without freakin' the straights out...lol.

My vice shows it's ugly face. Life, he smokes, he's a little wild (I kinda like that though), and he's seems a bit young for you (What?!...I'm only 24) and he keeps drinking. Later, I was like WHY AM I TRYING TO MARRY THIS PERSON! I DON'T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAME YET! I need to learn how to just have fun. I let this fine man get away. His body felt so good. He was solid, but still on the slim side waist 30-32 and we had a few body encounters b/c of his wild dancing and the crowd moving. One instance was interesting he ends up bending over in front of me trying to get something, but I'm certain it was something behind that b/c he gave me a lot. Like, his a** ends up hitting my "man".

The next night I fell victim to what we all fall victim to from time to time. Pride! You look, I look, and we both pretend not to look. Then, one gets bold and doesn't look away. We both wait for the other to approach neither does and you're like oh well.

Weary

This song says it all!

Chorus:
If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song

People keep giving me the same feedback, which is great. I love getting feedback on myself, but I'm kinda over it! "You have a strong need to control things." "You're not easily accessible." "You're not the best with reciprocity." "You're so guarded." This dude gave me these words the other night (yawn). All of these things have some truth to them, but I'm that way because people have made me that way. I've seen my friends fall for somethings they thought were real only to discover that sh*t was as real as a $3 bill. Nobody will have me looking like a d*mn fool. I'm too fly for that sh*t!

It's call growing up

I'm sitting here at 3:42am and I'm reflecting on my life (the good, the bad, and the inbetween). I realized the past few years have caused a great deal of growth and revealed a lot about my character. All of the things that were discovered weren't necessary good things. There are so many things I should have done differently and so many decisions I shouldn't have made. Then, I realized, I could go all day with a list of possible outcomes. However, I have to live in my current reality. I've learned (maybe I should say I am learning) to appreciate where I am. I need to be thankful for all of the bad decisions, tough times, and the lack of risk taking. Those decision and circumstances made me into the person I am now and I'm a big freakin' deal! (lmbo).

Me, Myself, and I

I have a knack for removing myself emotionally while still being present in the physical. It’s a coping method that I learned as a child. My mother taught me how to perfect this skill. She was definitely not an emotional person and as a child I was emotional. She absolutely hated that. To her that meant you were weak and no child of hers was going to be a “punk”. I definitely toughen up and as I grew older my skin grew thicker. It can be quite handy, but it can also cause problem, because people think you’re stolid. I’ve been accused of lacking emotion from time to time. I completely disagree with this accusation, but I’m definitely too logical to sensationalize a situation and freak out (it’s so unbecoming).

Now, I have a little problem. I’m not extremely attached to anyone. I think it’s my way of not allowing myself to be hurt or made a fool out of. You guys saw Jill’s character fall apart in “Why Did I Get Married?”. No Sir, not the kid! When I saw her broken up in the hotel I said “see that’s exactly what I’m talking about, I can’t do it”. My roomie goes “umph”, which spoke volumes. It can be a hindrance in my relationships, but it can also hurt me. It gives me this “me against the world” complex. I definitely have some extremely close friends and we share a great deal of our lives with each other, but even they say I can give off an aura of “I love you, but you are disposal”, which is never my intention. I’m just comfortable with doing things alone and I must admit, I definitely only count on me. Not because I don’t believe in people or trust them, but they have circumstances and situation themselves. On rare occasions it can make you feel alone, but most of the time you feel extremely confident and comfortable. I’m not sure what to do about this complex.

Me, Myself, and I

Get Real

"My Love"-Jill Scott

I just finish watching a movie called Get Real on Logo. It's a tale of two young men who become attracted to each other. One is a shy guy who is sure of his sexuality and the other is a jock who is confused about the whole thing. I was completely attentive to this movie. It tells the story that so many of us have experienced. All of us have played the role of the jock and/or the shy guy (I've been both) at some point or another. Most of us were the shy guy and we fell for the jock. The guy who nobody suspected and he trusted us to keep it that way. Typically, we find ourselves in this situation between adolescence and early adulthood. Sigh, the things we put up with for moments with our jock. This movie made me go back to a place I rarely visit. I thought to myself I've been there, have you?

Outside

"Irreversibly Falling in between and it's hard to be understood as you are, and God knows that you're standing on your own"

-Mariah Carey "outside"

I had never heard this song by Mariah Carey until a year ago, but someone was talking about how deep the song is. Of course, they played it, because they are in love with her. The song is talking about being neither here or there, not fitting anywhere in particular and accepting it.

I've been "the outsider" all my life. Even though for most of my life I was very popular, I always felt like someone who was looking in. I'm cool with being an outsider, but I have days when I ask why can't I just fit in a little better. Why do I have all these facets, it aggravates me from time to time. My friends think I'm mysterious for some reason. I tell them everything (just about) and sometimes I tell them too much, but they still feel like I’m this complex person. I'm not! The more honest I am the more people misunderstand. Everyone appreciates my blunt, yet, tactful approach. I think we have become so accustom to reading into what people are saying we read too deep. I believe in somethings and at times things conflict. Most times I’m going to choose the safe route. I'm usually never extreme one way or another, which often times leave me on the outside. For example, I am a man, but I'm not crazy over sports, video games, or women. I don’t think the conversation will go very smoothly when they are talking about a play and the cheerleaders and I’m asking what play that was and yeah, she’s cute, but so is number 10. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss your outfit and boys all day either.

Every now and then I just get away from everyone and really don't talk to anyone, because I'm in a zone. During those times I'm gathering myself, evaluating where I am, who I am, who is surrounding me, what they are bringing and taking. And I always come to the conclusion that most (90%) of these people do not fit me well. Most of them are extreme version of me in one area or another. I can't find someone in the middle with me. I'm not saying that their opinions and actions are lacking diversity; they’re just different from me in some way that is a major part of MY TRUTH. They are too much of this or not enough of that. However, a good percentage of these people have my best interest in mind, so I keep them around. We all know it’s really hard to find people who are in your corner. I'm finding a lot of people aren't comfortable with just being them or they are not sure who they are. If I shared that, I’m sure some of them would be offended. And the ones who know who they are have tendency to be too much, I do not know, maybe I'm the problem, but this is my bottom line (I've been rambling for too long). It's tough to be the one who is neither here or there. You never fit well! I say well because I think no one will fit perfectly with anyone you have to work at it. And if you think it's perfect, give it time. Well, I asked this question to the person who is in love with the song, "Do you think it's best to keep things to yourself?" Their response was yes, somethings you keep to yourself, because people may not be able to handle all of you. Are you the outsider? How do you cope? Any feedback is good.

thoughts

My mother left a few minutes ago and I miss her. While she was her I was like aahhmm when are you leaving? I realize my mother and I are much closer than I realize. I always thought of us as emotional detached, but we are very much present in each other lives. We talk about everything. She is my ride or die chick...lol.

I want to go back before I heard harsh words and experience spiteful actions, so that I can love people freely. I wish I could go back to the days before I knew we were poor. Life seemed to be so simply back then. Maybe I wouldn't be so monetarily ambitious now. I wish I could go back before I was cautious of religion, God, and the consequences that encompasses all of them. I think I would live more freely. I think so much of me was altered because I tried to be not only want God wanted me to be, but family and friends as well. Anyway, this was just a quick post. I had some things on my mind and I wanted to get it out. My blog is becoming quite therapeutic. Bear with me, I'll be back with my normal post. My emotions are just high now and I can't explain way. Sidenote, I love Color Purple. There is nothing like that scene when they are walking through the yard with the purple flowers. Toni wrote her @** off with that book!

Watch what you say to me

I'm known as a peace maker. Someone who rarely responds to anything foolish or important for that matter. However, this week I have not been that guy. I've been very direct and extremely blunt with my honesty (w/o losing tact of course). For the pass several years I have taken pride in how well I've contained my temper. I no longer allowed people to make me fly off the handle and get physical at the drop of a dime. Now I feel like I'm regressing. The other day I felt a surge of energy come through my whole body, which basically means I'm going to kick your a** and I could not believe I let someone take me that far. I was at work, so that kept it from being a TKO. Plus, the person saw the complete change in my demeanor and backed down. I was straight up in "I'm getting ready to kick your mfing a** and make you eat every word you just said".

I always tell people you control yourself and the situation, but this time I let the situation control me. I was so mad. It messed with me the whole night. I was thinking about all the things I wanted to say and couldn't say and how I was tried. I woke up the next morning and my stomach had a terrible knot in it. I knew this came from the anger. At that point, I knew I had completely lost my progress in the anger department.

Playing~"Your Joy" Chrisette

Today, is one of those days that I just want to stay home. Write in my journal and play Mary's "My Life" album until I make sense of it all. I can't wear anything like I wear guilt. I think it comes from my religious background. You know, your suppose to be Godly sorry. I'm having one of those incomplete days. You don't feel whole. You can't figure out what's really wrong. Say a little prayer for me today. I have to pull it together, because I don't want to be harassed at work. What's wrong? Your not yourself today. You know those type of comments and questions

sharing a moment

I'm having a little moment and I want to share it. It's a little vain, so bare with me. All is vanity, right? I'm really feeling my body tonight. I got out of the shower and as I was putting on lotion; (you know, moisturizing my situation) I admired myself. Right now, I'm in love with my 28 waist, my 5'8 height, my brown skin.. everything. Tomorrow, I'll be complaining about being thin and short, but right now...I'm feeling what India said "I know my creator didn't make no mistakes on me...my feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes...I'm loving what I see". Okay, back to the previous post

Things on my mind

Playing ~ “On and On”-Erykah Badu

Hi, I’m life and I’m everything I dreamt I would be. I’m so happy to be here. I’ve been waiting for the day when I could smile and give the finger to everyone who ever hated on me. Unfortunately, this day has not come YET. You know, it’s the worst to have greatness embodied in you. It’s always there to remind you that you fell just short of your potential. It’s there to antagonize you when you’re just a mess. You are confused! Trying to figure out how to manifest the ideals, emotions, words, and actions that somehow has penetrated your heart, permeated your mind and attached itself to your soul. You have to settle for “things will happen in God’s timing”, which they will.

As of late, I’ve been feeling some kinda way (let’s say melancholy). Completely zoning out and just doing me. Not feeling like being on the phone and only old school music can relate to how I feel (after 7, babyface, etc). Every now and again, I have to remind myself (you’re 23 y/o…not 30). I’m one of those crazy people; you know the type. They try to plan their lives out fluidly, but with time constraints. For example, I will own a home by the age of 27. They don’t care how it happens, but they can’t move into the home the day after their 27th birthday. I’m just wondering when the things I dreamt of as a child will meet my present….exhales

I’m often told…”life, you don’t know how to just live”. It’s sad, but true. I try, but even in the midst of my trying I’m thinking “what if this happens”. I am definitely a person who lives in their superego and I can’t get control of it. I have moments of what the hell. For example, I attempted to meet a blogger. For me this was a big deal. For other people it is nothing. Okay, this post has turned out to be about two different things I had no intentions of writing about. Can anyone relate to what I’m talking about though? The aggravation of having greatness trapped inside and/or cautious living. Until I write again…

Playing~ “One is the magic number”- Jill Scott

Things remain the same

"til my baby comes home"-Fantasia

My friend told me something that is definitely ringing true right now. "Life, you can go where ever you want, but one thing will remain the same...you." Basically, he was trying to give me a reality check. If you don't change, your experience will not change. I doesn't matter if you move to Alaska or Atlanta. I was relying on Atlanta to get it out of me. For me to explore everything on my terms. Well, for the most part, my experience has been the same. I think I've lived so many years trying to maintain an image. The image that I subconsciously created is definitely apart of me, but not me in entirety.

I came here wanting to be much more social. I'll give myself a D on that. I've gone to one concert and I found a place I can go to regularly (all by myself..well, I took Mr. Atlanta and crew one time). My "friend" (were going to call him Mr. Atlanta) is helping me out there. However, I don't want Mr. Atlanta to become my social connection. I need my own circle of associates.

I came here to explore my sexuality. There is no grade to give here...I have to move at my own pace. I guess, that pace is .02 miles an hour. If someone checks me out I usually ignore them. Unless, I feel like being a little flirtatious, which is increasing these days. Mr. Atlanta has gotten further than anyone ever has. To give you an ideal on how bad that is...I just asked him if he gay/bi or whatever. Well, I did pick him up for lunch one day. The only reason he got this far is because a mutual friend kinda snuck me, but I was ready. I want to explore and I'm ready...I think. Me aligning that with who I want to be to everyone else and my spirituality is another post. I definitely have to post about the spiritual aspect real soon. It's weird! I debate it within myself all the time and I debate it with other people about their "deliverance", but yet I'm faulty at what I believe.

"pass me over"~Anthony Hamilton

Makings of me

Sometimes I reflect on myself and I'm amazed. Amazed at my growth and how much I've overcome.

Younger version of me: I was insecure and color struck. Wondering why all the red boys got the love letters and I didn't get any. I remember staying in the house for a good portion of one summer because I didn't want to get any darker.
Now: Insecurities are next to non-exist. There are some areas I wish to improve, but I'm not insecure about any opportunities I may have as a person. My complexion is something I'm fond of.

Younger version of me: My temper was really bad and I thought fighting was the only way I could demonstrate my frustration. It's like I would blank out for a second and not realize what was going on. For example, I stab my own cousin over a game. I didn't realize how serious it was until the ambulance arrived. I just went off.
Now: I'm so slow to be angry. Most people would never aspect that I could be so violent. I'm so quick to realize it's not worth it. My temper can still be a challenge, but now, I'm good at expressing to people how I feel about something and move on or disassociate myself from whatever it is that is frustrating me.

Younger version of me: I was slightly dyslexic and struggled with learning the curriculum. It was to the point that I had to get tested. The tested revealed my comprehension was fine.
Now:I graduated from one of the best universities (public) and my college is ranked in the top 10 per Newsweek. Even though on rare occasions I struggle to this day. I don't when it will happen it just does. It's like my mind stops processing things correctly for a moment.

Younger version of me: Even though, I was somewhat of an loner, but somehow, I was always popular (you figure it out). I sought love and validation from other people. I compromised integrity, morals, and my body to be validated and loved by people.
Now: I realize that the greatest love and validation comes from you and God. I'm so in love with me (not in the conceited way). If you have to compromise anything to be loved and/or validated by someone they don't want you. They want whomever they have created in their mind...plain and simple.

I'm grateful for everything that has occurred in my life. The humble up bringing (it made me tough and appreciative), the self-doubt (it made me dig deeper..I'm so confident now), the doubters (they gave me drive), the molester (you taught me forgiveness..it's so easy now), the betrayals (weirdly this taught me trust)..the list goes on. All of these experienced made me!