Waterfalls

On my way back from Miami "waterfalls" by TLC came on. The song seem so fitting for my travel back to Atlanta. I was thinking about all of the activities that took place this weekend and I wondered how many people didn't stick to the rivers and the lakes that they were use to. For this weekend they decided to chase a waterfall. Only to discover upon obtaining this waterfall they would fall off a cliff. Making them second guess their decision to chase after something that was so appealing.



We've all experienced our lust leading us to a place where we weren't ready for either emotional, physically, financially, or spiritual. We all have done it at some point in our lives. There is no judgement here...trust me. All I'm saying is it's okay to stick to the rivers and the lakes that you are use to.

Quasi Relationships

Playing~"houtatlantavegas"-JoJo ft. Drake (This chick can really sing)

I'm a constant observer and I'm noticing a lot quasi relationship exist in our community. Nobody is really dating anyone. We "talk" to this one. We went on a date with that one. We chat with this one on Facebook. We "mess" with this one. We really like the other dude. If the truth be told, he is not that into us, but we're cute so he keeps us around. Unfortunately, we're doing the same thing to someone else. All this is going on and we are talking about wanting a commitment filled relationship. Do we really want commitment? Do we really understand what a committed relationship requires/looks like?

I like the ideal and the look of a committed relationship. The reality of it is kinda scary. I don't know if I'm emotionally handicap, still finding my way with dating, or scared (probably a mixture of all three). I find it difficult to get into anyone. Thus, I exert very little energy when dealing with anyone. Consequently, they probably feel the same way and the cycle just continues.

Recap

Playing"Fix my hat"-Lil Wayne

I have some many things that have transpired that could have been a post, but I'll do a random post. All of things aren't related to me directly

• What should you expect after a sexcapade with someone you haven't known very long or establish a real relationship with? If you didn't hear from him again would you feel a certain way?
• Could you date a stripper? If you dated him, could you trust him?
  
• Bottoming for the first time...how was your experience? Did you do it for a special occasion or were you just that turn on by the guy.
  
• Is Dating someone your friend "talk to" for a short period a violation of you guys friendship?
• Is anyone heading out of town for memorial day weekend? Are you working out to make sure your body is in tip top shape? I've given a half butt effort without much progress. If your going to Miami, I'll see you there.
  
• What if you found out one of your closet friends was gay? You tried to confide in them years ago they acted like they couldn't relate. Little did you know they were years ahead of you in the game. Would you call them out?
• Would you feel bad for putting your ace out of your house? You have went beyond your call of duty as a friend more than once when it comes to housing him. Would you think twice about switching your locks after your agree upon exit date?
• Would you look at an associate differently if you found out they did porn
  

No agenda

Playing~"Gonna find my love"-Brandy

My friends and I are trying something different. We are taking a different approach to dating. We called it "no agenda". The concept is quite simple. Let your relationship progress naturally. We treat someone who is interested in us like we would treat a new associate. Ultimately, the ideal is for your partner to become your best-friend, right? Before we become lovers, lets become friends. Trying to do it in reverse is not working out to well.

This guy is interested in me and I'm sticking to my no agenda approach. I'm not sure if he is confused by it or just needs for things to move faster. I'm certain it's the latter. We had a conversation that went like this:

*we are in the middle of a conversation*
Him:Hold on
Me:Alright
Him: This boy keeps texting me. How do you want me to respond?
Me: {I know he is not pulling this BS} If you want to respond, respond. If you don't, then don't
Him:I don't like him
Me:{why are you telling me this} so don't respond
Him:Yeah, I haven't respond to him, but he keeps texting
Me:You have so many men. Go ahead with you bad self
Him:Nawl, I'm just trying to get one man.
Me:{sigh...he was doing so good until this BS}
Him: Hey, I have to hit you back.
Me:alright

I was so disappointed that he tried that juvenile mess. What type of new flanged sh*t is he on. I wasn't expecting something like that from a guy who is so smart. BIG made that same mistake. He was much less subtle, but that was part of the reason he is not around now. Sidenote: I think about him everyday. Anyway, I think everyone should take the "no agenda" approach. If you try it, let me know how it works out for you.

Unsure

I don't know if I really want you
You're safe for me
Your established, mature, and stable
I'm still not sure if I want you
You want me so bad
it makes me feel weird, because I don't want you as bad
You have been the only man to approach me correctly
which excited me
I felt like someone finally has sense
It immediately made me feel comfortable
and I'm still not sure if I want you
I think I feel like I should want you
I definitely don't want to look around realize I'm the old lonely dude at the bar
I'm afraid of being that guy
so much so it makes me want to be completely enthrotled with you
but I don't get that feeling
I don't feel extremely excited
I get anxious because you are the first man I've officially talked to
but I don't get overwhelmed
I'm not sure if the feeling even exist
I sure hope it does
I don't want to date you just because you can occupy some time
I shoulf desire you here
I'm just not sure

*random thought floating through my head about him. I hope it makes sense. I have to run to work.*

Lies and truths

PH.D ( an older gay friend) tells me from time to time "you're going to end up with a woman". Slick has told me the same thing for years. When PH.D said it for the first time I was taken aback. We had been around each other at the most five times. I immediately tried to defend my gayness...lol. Heck, I'm just getting comfortable and here you are telling me I'm going to end up with a woman. I asked him to explain his logic. He has seen "me" several times. Guys who find men attractive, dated men, and in some cases loved men. However, the lifestyle proved to be lonely, exclusive, and messy, so they left it alone all together. PH.D simply thinks I don't fit into the culture and I'm too logical to stay somewhere I don't fit (this is true). He and I have discussed our logic on this issue several times. Actually, I agreed with a great deal of his reasoning, but my point was "I don't want to live a lie". Do I find woman attractive? Yes. Could I have sex with a woman? Yes. However, there is no denying that I find men attractive. I've always found men attractive.

I hate to admit it, but somedays I feel like PH.D is right. Today is one of those days.

Gossip and reality check

Playing~Fearless-Jazmine Sullivan

Typically, I don't gossip. If something doesn't pertain to me in any regard, I keep my mouth shut. In order for me to keep gossip down to a minimum I will tell the juice on the blog. Very few of you know who I am and you definitely will not know these individuals.

After I text my brother he calls me back. We talk about how difficult it is to find Jazmine's cd, ( Circut City has it on sell for $8.99 and most people to go there for music) and his final break up with his on and off again girlfriend for the pass 2 years. I'm yawning at this part. We discuss his agenda for this coming weekend. How exciting it's going to be to get together. He is coming up with his brothers (he recently joined another org.). Then, he drops the bomb. "Bruh, a brother tried to holler at me." He tries to keep the person's identity private, but he gives up and tells everything. Everyone thinks my brother gets down. He denies it adamantly, but people don't believe him. Some say they have proof that he is gay. I never wanted to hear those facts. He has done some questionable things throughout the years. I.E. he brings a guy who he claims he didn't know all that well back home with him for a trip. Only for the guy to try and sleep with another brother, which makes everyone question him. He also disappeared on me one night while staying with me in the A. He claims his phone died, he got lost, and he slept in his car. You know, I'm giving him the side eye, right? Anyway, the brother gets in touch with him and is subtle with his approach. He is completely missing it, so the other brother just comes out with it. He lets the brother know he doesn't get down and he is not mad at him. They change the topic to girls...go figure. I'm laughing my behind off on the phone. How embrassing is that?

At that time, I realized....wait, I'm not out. I have these reality checks from time to time. I've been in Atlanta for 2 years away from everything that was familiar and they haven't seen the change in my sexuality. Overall, I carry myself the same. I wonder when will I come out to the people who matter?

Is it real

Big is great! He's such a grown a** man and I love it! He wants to be everything I want. He admires everything from my bushy eyebrows to my southern slang. He finds my symmetry so attractive. Who pays that much attention?

However, I don't feel that magical feeling your suppose to feel when you are talking to someone. Actually, I haven't felt it in years (sigh...she was special). Am I capable? The question is have I allowed myself to get excited over an individual? hhhmm...I doubt it. This man is captured by a great deal of who I am and he has his sh*t together. No current or prior suitors come close to what he offers. Every time I go out he gains more points. He genuinely likes me. I think he's cool, but I don't feel sparks flying. Idunno?! We are definitely in two different places. He is ready to "marry" and I'm just getting my feet wet in the lifestyle. This time last year I had never talked to a guy on a romantic level.

What are the options? Go like most to clubs, parties, etc hoping this person pops up with a magical potion that makes me feel all warm inside. Hell, I have in my grasp on what most people are looking for. It's not like I have people beating my door down for a date

Give me your thoughts? When was the last time someone made you feel excited and anxious? Am I looking for something that may not exist? I wonder if I'm blocking myself

Mr. Real Thang

I received the e-mail inviting me to your going away party two weeks ago. I still haven't opened the evite. My reply would only further damage our non-existing relationship. It's weird how you still will not contact me yourself. I have casually reached out to you once in a time of need. No response, which definitely lets me know I shouldn't come to the party. I knew the whole time you were not the one! I tried anyway. Twice I was surprise by mystery boyfriends.

I reflect on the time we shared and laugh my a** off. You were the first guy to jack me off. A few minutes later you revealed you had a boyfriend, so that's why you couldn't finish me off. You didn't cheat as long as no one came (wtf). Seconds after that you revealed that I had been looking at your boyfriend the whole time. I was floored. I remember a few weeks later we stopped talking.

Months later a mutual friend came in town and you used him to get us back together. A month later you were pressing hard to "know me". I messed around and freaked your a** out. Your talking and moaning still is HOT to me (f**k when you say my name..whew). The rest of it was ahhh...uneventful. I remember the day I told you how disappointed I was. You had every excuse. Thank God! We didn't f**k! How do you let a virgin show you up? You've been making out for years. I was amused! I remember being devastated the morning after you left. The good church boy was being naughty...lol. "Life, we didn't really do anything. Stop beating yourself up." By that night, I was cool. Two weeks later you stayed over again. I bet you just knew it was going down. I taught you intimacy that night. You struggled at first, but you enjoyed a nonsexual night.

You exposed me to a few things in Atlanta and introduce me to a lot of good people. Most of them don't talk to me now. You shielded me from the gay scene. You didn't want the negative influence. Plus, you have to keep up your image. You could be a senator or something one day.
You and I both know I was the realist man you've ran into. You didn't admit it, but you definitely couldn't deny it. I was the only guy who sharpened you mentally, feed you spiritual ( I had tears in your eyes on more than one occasion), and intrigued you sexually. I called you often on how bad of a brother I was. You could never do anything, but smile. I'm sure your tale of this pseudo relationship is different. Perception is something is it not?

You served your purpose, so I don't regret anything. I think that's why it's easier for me to be cordial. My attendance to this party wouldn't be a good thing. It may come across real nasty now, but trust me it's better for me not to attend.

Sincerely,

Your Real Thing

My Weekend

Playing~"Catching feelings"-Faith Evans

I decided that I would be OUT this weekend. My haircut had me feeling HOT! I was ready to take the city by storm. This is how the weekend went down:

Friday

• After work I came home and took a nap. I woke up in a completely different mood. I really just wanted to go to a mellow spot laugh and flirt. I connected with a few people, but none of us were on the same page. Plus, there was no place that fit where I was trying to go. I ended up staying home and reading a book. Papi was extremely frustrated. He wanted to party.
  

Saturday

• I was determined to go out this night. I took a nap after work. I went to Prince's (a recently gained associate) house to get him. We meet his friend's at the bowling alley. I was introduce to the crew (Leo, Diva, and Humble).
  
• Leo is great. He's getting us enrolled in a stripper class. Oh, sorry...Pole dancing classes. I thought he was absolutely crazy when he brought this up, but I think I'm going to do it. I'll make a video for blogland...lol.
  
• This meeting was great! We really enjoyed ourselves and they were definitely my type of people.
• I was still determined to get loose. Slick was unsure if he would go, but he didn't have a choice. I was going to get it in and he was going to support.
  
• We made the worse decision. We went to Traxx. We went there because it was late and they would still be open for more than an hour after our arrival. Traxx is a mess. There is no diversity. Most of the kids are teenagers or very underdeveloped young adults. It's ghetto and the males and females party together. To say I was like fr**k they got me for $15.
  
• I ended up dancing with the ladies. Go figure! I go to a gay club and end up dancing with a women and not one man, NOT ONE! WTF?! Hey, they came for me.
  

Sunday

• I skipped church. Shame on me!
• Slick and I went to the Jazz festival. I was so disappointed that it wasn't at Piedmont Park. Ph.D joined us and we decided to go to Piedmont.
• This was my first time going to Piedmont on Sunday. It was interesting to say the least. I promise someone could get a great dissertation from all of the social and gender things that are going on. The cattiness is just too much. What is all the self-hate about?
• I run into Papi who really wants to party. Papi, Ph.D, Thickness (another recently gained associate) gave me the extra push I needed to go out. I really had some paperwork I needed to work on, but hey, this is suppose to be my BIG weekend.

Sunday Night

• We (Slick, Thickness, Papi, and myself) go to D'jangos. We came with a mission....party, socialize, and be a little bad. We did just that. Papi had the kids going crazy. This brother danced his butt off. I thought I could dance, but I had to fall back when he really went for it.
  
• 3 different dudes at different times were caught up. They just sat there in amazement as his little behind shaked, wiggled, dropped, and glided across the floor. He's scandalous...lol. I love it! He was giving them that Blatino flavor..lol.
  
• I have to talk about social skills in my next post. I have to!
  

random thoughts

I can't overcome this feeling. It's so ingrained in my head. I can't defeat it. I keep saying I'm ready to date and such. However, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I wonder, will I be a good boyfriend? What about sex? That topic comes up pretty quick in conversation. I really don't have an answer. I typically answer with what's most true to how I feel. Will I ever have that magical moment that draws me to someone? Is that just a figment of my imagination? Why can't I just have fun? Nawl, that lead me to Plan B and that was truly a mess. WTF was I thinking! He progressed way further than he should have. Lord, just the thought! He had some great attributes, but I didn't have chemistry with him. Thus, I refuse to entertain anyone who I don't feel something for upfront. I'm sure this aids in my lack of dating. You typically can't get that from seeing someone in the club or walking pass them in the mall/grocery store. Okay, this post is not suppose to be about this. I guess out of the fullness of the heart the hands write. You can't get your dream the first time out of the gate. You have to kiss a few toads to get your prince, but I don't want no d**n toads. Let's skip that and get right to the prince....sigh.

ugh....fish and the vicious cycle

Playing~"just a touch"-Estelle

What's up with all the attitude towards fem boys? Slick is one of my best friends and I love him to death, but there have been a few times when I've seen him flat out dissed, because he is fem. Now, I will admit sometimes he does a lot and it can be overwhelming (even for me). Yes, I have laughed at him, because he was doing way too much. However, I wouldn't say things like "stay away from the fish". When I heard someone say that I was hurt and they weren't addressing me. A lot of people do give me too much, but I never verbally attack them. Where is all of this disdain coming from? I do believe you are a boy/man, so don't try to be a woman (I'm certain I'm going to get some heat for that). However, I feel like you should do you. Whatever that is

We were out at a concert a few nights ago. When the concert was over I wanted to stay for the after party. I felt like dancing. Anyway, he just refuses to dance with the girls, so he sits there legs crossed and back straight completely disconnected from everything that's happening (he was definitely giving them lady). A group of guys who just so happen to be gay found this to be hilarious. He didn't notice them at all, so everything was cool. What amused me the most was a club full of people who are presumably straight didn't make a spectacle of him, but people who are like him did. Slick is no victim, he can spit out venom towards the fem boys too, but most of the time he enjoys and compliments them. I guess it's just a vicious cycle. His mood was so draining we ended up at bulldogs, because I was determine to dance. Again, what's up with the attitude towards the fem boys? Even the fem boys don't like other fem boys.