Truthfullyspeaking

Waterfalls

2010-06-01T10:01:00.003-05:00

On my way back from Miami "waterfalls" by TLC came on. The song seem so fitting for my travel back to Atlanta. I was thinking about all of the activities that took place this weekend and I wondered how many people didn't stick to the rivers and the lakes that they were use to. For this weekend they decided to chase a waterfall. Only to discover upon obtaining this waterfall they would fall off a cliff. Making them second guess their decision to chase after something that was so appealing.

We've all experienced our lust leading us to a place where we weren't ready for either emotional, physically, financially, or spiritual. We all have done it at some point in our lives. There is no judgement here...trust me. All I'm saying is it's okay to stick to the rivers and the lakes that you are use to.

I'm still here (random info)

2009-10-19T23:04:00.004-05:00

Playing~"Bad Habit"-Maxwell

This season change is causing me to feel the relationship bug..sigh.
I hate to admit that! arrgghh
You feel it too...don't front
Good luck with that
You think we are in a financial recession? Try dating
However, a** and/or d*ck is plentiful in my city.
People are willing to give their bodies as oppose to their minds...go figure
I ain't mad...those hormones will get you!
Speaking of, I've been kicking hormones a** for 3 months!
Let me stop frontin', it's been more like a heavy weight 12 round fight
*sigh* me and those rules of mine
When I do f*#&....I'm going stupid. I want to hear some f*#king screaming, moaning, cussing, etc.
whew...see what happens
Friends have been a great outlet
However, all they do is encourage me to f*&#
The good boy in me will not die!!
d*mn him
I decided to do something about my career. I was tired of hearing myself complain.
I'm studying for the GMAT. Well, I don't know if I should call it that.... I'm slacking so hard. I test in less than a month. smh
I brought a new car.
His name is G.
What have you been up to?

Yet another Dear John

2009-09-21T21:21:00.004-05:00

Playing~"Drained"-Latoya Luckett (this song came on and it's fits the post...oh the irony)

I remember thinking, "did I speak this man into my life". You came correct no hhiisssing, no sending your friend, no crazy comment to catch my attention, no sexual innuedo and no game. You came with questions and I provided answers. You were so sure and confident. I was beyond impressed. I later found out it took you two weeks to build up the courage to approach me (lol). You were ready to jump in the water head first. I was only ready to swirl my feet around. Unfortunately, this particular issue caused me to break things off abrutly. Uncertain of my decision, our relationship became this ball of ambiguity. You were not delighted about this lack of clearity, but you dealt with it. After all, you just wanted to keep me around. Eventually, you started receiving benefits that made it worth it. My sex game went to another level! I don't know what I was doing before, but sex became an experience! However, a year later I was still guarded and provided no terms or commitments to our future. I just couldn't let my guards down. I also had some concerns, but I knew I couldn't change them. You were so ready to please; I couldn't get you to admit to my concerns. Sadly, one night your passion for me boiled over and things quickly went left. I realized that your desire for me could put both of us in danger. I haven't spoken to you since; we both knew that night was the last night of us.

I'm certain someone can identify

2009-08-09T20:04:00.001-05:00

I love this chick of Def Poetry Jam

hhhmmm..Maxwell

2009-08-05T14:11:00.002-05:00

This video was enough to make me post something. I was already feeling something stirring in my spirit...lol.

The man is sick!

What about your friends?

2009-07-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

While I'm sitting in the window listening to the US Marshalls question my friend I'm truly amazed at what people can do when you let them into your world. I knew something was up with this dude after the second time we hung out. However, he was my friend's really good friend, so I decided to override my hesitation. I decided to just keep my guards up. Everything is cool. Everywhere we go people know him (he had a pretty good porn career(?)). He's crazy, keeps you laughing and is free hearted. Time goes on and my friend makes a comment about the guy and I let all of my opinions flow. Long story short this negro is a stunt queen! He has warrants everywhere. To varying degree all of us have been affected by his craziness. You have to be so careful about who you allow in your world. Thankfully I kept him at a distance, so I didn't get effect directly. If so, I would have tore that @** out of the frame (we almost came to blows at Sizzle). The good thing about me and my crew we always get the last laugh. Pose for the camera *click* *click* .

What Happen?

2009-07-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

Playing~"my everything"-Monica

It's funny how things change in relationships/friendships. We could talk for hours, but now, we can barely make it 20 mins. Heck, I may not even get a response to a text. He would beg to come over. Even rearrange his whole schedule to be in my presence. I can't clear out enough time for him to see me now. At first, I was indifferent about his affection. Then, I start enjoying the game of it all (~a month into it). About a month later things went left. We talked and things kinda ended. Of course, everyone ask about him. I try to give a solid response, but really I don't know. Honestly, I'm asking myself what happen?

*this is a repost from earlier this year*

This is not a good time for celebs

2009-07-05T22:25:00.002-05:00

Between death and nude pictures celebrities are really taking a beating. Well, you can add Terrell Carter to this list. One of the kids decided to expose him and entitled it "revenge". Picture located below:

It starts now

2009-06-22T09:22:00.003-05:00

I keep putting decisions off. Out of fear of the unknown or the hope for something better. I Try to plan for all of life's contingencies. Thus, I miss out on a lot of opportunities. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to realize the life I'm planning for is already in progress. It will not start when I get a new job, move, or meet someone

* I deleted the Dorion post. I wouldn't want someone to post my photos. Plus, a mutual friend said he's really upset about.

Quasi Relationships

2009-06-14T19:20:00.004-05:00

Playing~"houtatlantavegas"-JoJo ft. Drake (This chick can really sing)

I'm a constant observer and I'm noticing a lot quasi relationship exist in our community. Nobody is really dating anyone. We "talk" to this one. We went on a date with that one. We chat with this one on Facebook. We "mess" with this one. We really like the other dude. If the truth be told, he is not that into us, but we're cute so he keeps us around. Unfortunately, we're doing the same thing to someone else. All this is going on and we are talking about wanting a commitment filled relationship. Do we really want commitment? Do we really understand what a committed relationship requires/looks like?

I like the ideal and the look of a committed relationship. The reality of it is kinda scary. I don't know if I'm emotionally handicap, still finding my way with dating, or scared (probably a mixture of all three). I find it difficult to get into anyone. Thus, I exert very little energy when dealing with anyone. Consequently, they probably feel the same way and the cycle just continues.

Weekend recap

2009-06-08T11:03:00.004-05:00

Playing~"She ain't my girl"-Trey Songz ft. Sammie

This weekend I was on a mission to party my @** off and I did.

Friday night was uneventful. I couldn't get people together to go out, so we ended going out to eat.

Saturday:

Everything was a mess at work on Saturday. I almost went in, but I decided to let my assistant handle it. She was schedule to be there. I'm certain she is going to kill me on sight when I walk in the door today.
Ended up meeting up with friends to shop around for their club outfit. I end up picking up something myself.
Had lunch with some dudes we met at Sizzle (sidenote: Be cautious of dudes who wear hats all the time. They can look totally different without a hat). They were going to party with us later that night
We decided to make some punch . OMG....that punch was so good it made the liquor smooth. I had 4 glasses and a water bottle of it on the way to the club. Needless, to say I was crunk than a mfer.
I danced my a** off. It was ridiculous I almost pulled a table on top of me at one point (lmao). We chilled a little bit after the club

Sunday:

We went to church. Well, those of us who could get up. The service was decent, but I couldn't get into it too much. I partied too hard the night before.
Decided to meet up at Red Lobster and kick it for a minute.
Later on after taking a much need nap we made our way to a pool party. We forget about it until a friend called around to see what was going w/ one of his friends.
There is a new place on Sunday. Club Eros isn't too bad. If you want to party it's not the place, but it gives you that laid back club feel. It's more of a lounge. Plus, cheap cover ($8) and drinks ($5)

The little boy in me

2009-06-03T23:19:00.003-05:00

An associate of mine ask this question and I found it to be intriguing. Is the little boy I use to be proud of the man I have become? What is your answer

You're the sh*t!

2009-05-26T21:33:00.003-05:00

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.-Psalms 134v14

This scripture came to mind on my way back from Miami (after all of the debauchery I'm thinking about scriptures..lol. I crack myself up). Our friend gets to Miami and is insecure about everything. We kept reaffirming him during the whole trip. Mind you, this friend typically meets someone everywhere we go. Surprisingly and silent I reaffirmed myself after Friday night. We both were blown after the club. We didn't mack anyone out and no one macked us. We both were like wtf?! All these dude here and I didn't meet anyone. We dropped one of our friends off and went back to park lot pimp. We experienced some interaction there and I ran into a blogger (he has certain style about him that I like).

Fast foward to Sunday night. My friend is macking and getting all night. I'm quite impressed! His self-esteem was through the roof. I was delighted that my friend was on such a high. However, I thought to myself this can't be good. Your esteem being based on people is dangerous. Heck, people will have you like an elevator. Taking you up when they want and bringing you down when they want. Then, that scripture came to mind. Why do we allow people to to increase and decrease our value? If God, himself, tells us that we are the SH*t and everything is where it'suppose to be! Who cares what anyone else thinks

Recap

2009-05-11T10:13:00.003-05:00

Playing"Fix my hat"-Lil Wayne

I have some many things that have transpired that could have been a post, but I'll do a random post. All of things aren't related to me directly

What should you expect after a sexcapade with someone you haven't known very long or establish a real relationship with? If you didn't hear from him again would you feel a certain way?
Could you date a stripper? If you dated him, could you trust him?
Bottoming for the first time...how was your experience? Did you do it for a special occasion or were you just that turn on by the guy.
Is Dating someone your friend "talk to" for a short period a violation of you guys friendship?
Is anyone heading out of town for memorial day weekend? Are you working out to make sure your body is in tip top shape? I've given a half butt effort without much progress. If your going to Miami, I'll see you there.
What if you found out one of your closet friends was gay? You tried to confide in them years ago they acted like they couldn't relate. Little did you know they were years ahead of you in the game. Would you call them out?
Would you feel bad for putting your ace out of your house? You have went beyond your call of duty as a friend more than once when it comes to housing him. Would you think twice about switching your locks after your agree upon exit date?
Would you look at an associate differently if you found out they did porn

Love

2009-05-03T23:21:00.004-05:00

Why can't we get some of that sh*t songs are made out of? Anita Baker is making me day dream about how beautiful love can be. This chicks voice is so smooth...sigh

I would not mind having a "good morning"

2009-05-01T22:46:00.005-05:00

A lot of things have been going on. A lot to blog about, but I haven't been focused. I do want to drop this eye candy on ya. Can someone tell me when he trimmed down and became even sexier? For my photos http://www.popsugar.com/3097922?page=0,0,4

Playing~"good morning"-John Legend

Church boy

2009-04-21T08:31:00.001-05:00

These confused church boys are a mess! I promise to never entertain them again. Gotta run for work, but I had to type this...sigh.

Friends before....

2009-04-19T20:26:00.002-05:00

Playing~"6, 8, 12"-Brian McKnight

I have a situation. My closet buddy has been staying with me for about a week. A tree knocked down his power line. I have someone who is trying to "chill" with me tomorrow (spend the night). He is going to lose it when he realize my homie is staying too. He is not going to stay the night and I WANT him to. What does a brother do? Mind you, something like this just happen involving the same friend.

where am i to go?

2009-04-16T15:13:00.003-05:00

Playing~"I tried"-J. Holiday

Am at a very weird place in my life. I've grown too much for where I am and I have no ideal where I'm going. For an ambitious person I am lacking direction...BIG TIME! I don't know what to do with myself career wise. I've been at my current employer for 3 years. Amidst all of the BS, I've obtain a few promotions and gain a great reputation throughout the organization. There is a problem, I've always viewed this job as a stepping stone and my ticket to Atlanta. If I was going to stay with the organization, I definitely would go to the corporate office. Well, no more corporate office ( the Atlanta office closed). I've been identified as a flight risk, so they are trying to push me to the next level. When they asked questions about what I want to do, I never have a solidified answer.

I'm so over this job. I'm becoming short of despondent. The only thing that keeps me going now is my reputation. I've thought of going back to school, which is typical for a college graduate who finds themselves unhappy with the job market. However, that would cause me to downsize my life. Basically, I'll have to get a roommate (sigh). I haven't obtained any major debt (i.e. new car, etc).

I realize I haven't found my passion. I don't find myself too enthused about anything in particular. I'm concerned! I'm great at event planning. While in college I put on events that people are still trying to duplicate (4 years later). I lead well. Thus, my success at my current job (manager). I just need to find something that's meaningful for me and pays well. I'm certain half of America could echo that line.

Okay, enough self-loathing

Ready for Love?

2009-04-13T17:56:00.005-05:00

Playing~"knock you down"-Keri Hilson

I want an honest answer. Hypothetically, let's say there is a such thing as a soul mate. If you met him/her today with all of your current issues and circumstances, would you be ready to commit? Could you treat them the way they're suppose to be treated? Could you allow them to treat you the way you're suppose to be treated?

We all have our vices in relationships. Would your trust issue hinder the relationship? Would pass hurts make it difficult for them to connect with you on an intimate level? Would your sex drive ruin things? Are your spending habits, so out of control they could not see building a financial future with you? Would your mood swings confuse him/her?

Honestly, are you ready for love?

uckery of the day

2009-04-02T13:22:00.001-05:00

"Goonette" Trailer

I'm certain he's serious and that's what makes it even the more entertaining.

You changed me

2009-03-29T17:35:00.002-05:00

Playing-"Nobody but Jesus"~Kelly Price/ Vanessa Bell Armstrong

Relationships have a way of changing us. Sometimes a simple interaction with a random stranger can influence our life. Romantic relationship facilitate a lot of changes in our lives.

Have you guys dated someone who brought about a change in you? Those changes can come in any form (sexually, mentally, etc) and varying degrees. Was the change a good thing or a bad thing? How does the change effect how you deal with men/women now? How did you react when he/she resurfaced in your life?

In the past two months, I've party more than I ever have(complete sidenote). I was out last night. After the club I received a text from a dude I talked to for a moment (~3 months). The text reveals that he was at the club and Watching me was very interesting. "Your swag has changed". I informed him he was the catalyst of this different swag(I haven't made any major changes. My approach to things are a little different). We continue to text and I awake to a good morning text from him. We have continued to text through out the day (I'm not putting much thought into our interaction). He's just having a moment.

A funny

2009-03-26T18:27:00.004-05:00

I've never watched College Hill. I heard about the new season and the cast. One cast member in particular (Kyle). Apparently, he went off on one of the cast members really bad. I wasn't surprised. I'm from Florida. We have a tendency to set it off. I had no idea this boy laid her a** out like this though. You have to catch the neck snap/roll.

For Hip Hop News & Entertainment at DimeWars.Com

I needed this laugh so much.

Tell the truth

2009-03-15T19:40:00.002-05:00

Playing~"knocks you down"-Keri Hilson ft. Kanye

Why are we so afraid of the truth? Truth is just a fact in our or others life. What is it about the truth that makes us lie?

***sidenote******
I'll be back with a real post. My life has been in such a quasi state; I've been trying to gain understanding. A lot of decisions are before me and I need to make some critical decisions. Those decisions were implied during my last post.

No cross, No crown

2009-03-12T23:06:00.002-05:00

We all have a cross (metaphorically speaking) to bear. An old hymn came to mind as I was thinking about my life and others. We all have to struggle. Without a battle there is no victory! I can't wait until I see the victory in some areas.

So many things to say now

2009-03-05T12:24:00.004-05:00

Playing~"knock you down"-Keri ft. ne-yo & Kanye W.

Work:
This year is has been quite the experience. My company like many others experienced huge lay offs. I wasn't laid off. I fought to keep some of my employees who were displaced. Within in weeks, my boss's boss announces he has been promoted. BIG ISSUE for me! He has guided my career up until this point. Everyone at the job has a love\hate relationship with me because of him. Even though, my results out perform 80% of my peers I'm already catching hell. Now, I'm left with Senior Managers who I don't respect. One who thinks he still a bully in high school. I'm on his committee and I reject his approach (imagine the dynamics). Another who is constantly trying to prove me wrong (80% of the time she has to apologize, because she is wrong). She is my immediate boss! The other two seniors don't have an opinion about anything! Everyone already knows I don't enjoy this job as it is....now this! I had plans on leaving in August, but I need to move that date up!

Social:
My social life has picked up BIG TIME! I reconnected with a college friend and we "came out" to each other, which is the cause of my increased social life. I've been eating out and partying with them for about three weeks. I forgot how much work it is to gain friendship...whew.

Location:
I'm so over my job that I'm willing to move to get out of it. I have a potential job offer in another state. Last year I declined it, because I was just starting to get on the scene in Atlanta. I just had to see what it was all about. The job pays more and I will not have to pay state taxes (that's another increase). I'm just torn, because I'm finally getting a good consistent circle of friends. However, my job doesn't prepare me for what I foresee myself doing in the future. I definitely will choose my career.

Other crap is going on as well, but those are the ones that have my mind going.

Random things
Did Keri Hilson jump out of the box or what
Andre 3000 reveals he is a very attentive lover to Playboy

Okay, enough rambling I should have been getting ready for work 13 mins. ago.

What Happen?

2009-02-24T23:21:00.004-05:00

I really like you, but the sex is bad

2009-02-17T01:12:00.001-05:00

I was visiting a friend and we talked about this person they liked. They enjoyed the person quite a bit, but the guy is bad in bed. " I've tried to teach him, but he's just bad. He's just not fluid with sex. He doesn't know how to move and flow with you". The guy was knocked down a few knotches, because he was bad in bed. It made me think, how important is sex to a relationship? Could sex make or break a relationship? If everything else is in place, could you end a relationship because of bad sex? What would you do in this situation? Also, how important is sex to you in a relationship? The story just made me think

Dating

2009-02-10T12:04:00.003-05:00

Playing~"Emergency room"-Rhianna ft. Mario (oh the irony)

I was hanging out with a group of friends. We talked about some of everything and someone brought up dating (of course). We realized all of us were single. All of us are progressive and fairly attractive men. Everyone claim that it's hard to met a quality guy these days. I thought to myself. I'm sure there a bunch of progressive and fairly attractive men sitting around somewhere saying the same thing. The problem is we can never get these people to meet. Where in the heck are they hiding?

Friends and "friend"

2009-02-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

Playing -"midnite"-j. Sullivan
(In the barber shop)

You've met someone and you guys are in the getting to know stage. Of course, this is a touchy stage. You want to spend time with the person and you want to keep your regular routine. Finding that balance is tricky, would you agree? I completely made a mess a month or so ago. I was trying to reassure my best friend that I'm not going to abandon him. In my doing this, things became unbalanced. The dude was confused about where we were going. After about a month things began to get shacky. Has anyone experienced this? How did you handle the balancing act? I definitely see critical moments that damaged a potentially good relationship. I definitely don't think he was the "one" (if that exist). Anyway, give me your feedback

two hearts

2009-02-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you have two hearts in your hands? Two people who care about you deeply and both want you exclusively. What do you do? You want both of them, because each person fulfills a certain need. To varying degrees they know about each other. Do you selfishly keep both or do you make a decision to choose one and let the other one go?

Ted and Oprah

2009-01-28T20:27:00.001-05:00

I'm certain people saw Ted and Oprah today. I want your thoughts.

2009-01-21T23:16:00.004-05:00

Life is such a journey and I don't want to take anything from it. On this path I run into painful places. Other times I walk into joy unspeakable. I have to be extremely careful not to consider either place a destination, but places I pass through on this journey. If not, I'll always be out of balance. I have to embrace each lesson both places were meant to teach me. I am on this journey and I will not take anything from it.

*this probably makes sense to no one outside of myself...lol* I just feel some kinda way and I had to take 4 minutes to express myself.

random

2009-01-13T11:59:00.003-05:00

Playing~"turn off"- Keri

What did you guys think of Seven Pounds? I wasn't overwhelmed with emotions, which made people think I was cold. Man, he was clearing his conscious.
Why do people pursue you hard and just when you feel like giving them some play they flip the script on you. WTF is that about
500,000 people lost their job in December. Can you believe that?
Am I the only one surprise that Brandy only sold 78k her first week. Sigh
I have this yearning for more and I can't really explain it
Things that use to get me going don't really move me now
Have someone ever told you that you were too good for them (does it not say a lot about how they view themselves)
Believe what people give you upfront. If you don't, you'll regret it.
I went through the last 3 guys I've encountered over the past 2.5 years and gain a lesson from each.
Well, I'm not sure what the third was meant to teach. I must not have learned the lesson.
What do you do when the person you are getting to know has a friend who is hotter and they keep giving you the vibe they want to get to know you? RUN...lol.
I feel the need to get messed up. Work has been kicking my a**

Find a way to turn me on

2009-01-11T23:05:00.002-05:00

Follow up post to this song

Sidenote: Is this not the Jazmine we all were looking for on her album? I was a little disappointed with the album.

Are you listening?

2009-01-05T08:36:00.001-05:00

God speaks to us in unorthodox ways from time to time. A few days ago I was at home trying to watch some of my favorite shows on abc.com. Every time I tried to load the video my computer would freeze. My virus alert would come up letting me know it was blocking the streaming. I kept restarting Explorer and it continue to happen. Then, I decided I need to stop acting like an insane person and try something different. I go to my anti-virus set up and realize my program was set so strict it was blocking the very thing I was trying to enjoy. I disabled that part of the anti-virus program. Then, I went back to explorer and I was able to enjoy watching the show without incident.
The message was simple. At times, we are too guard. So much so, it hinders us from achieving the pleasure we are seeking. Every now and then we have to take down some of those guards, so we whatever joy life could be presenting us. I don't know if this will speak to anyone, but that experience spoke to me. Everyone thinks I'm too self controlled/guarded. God has a funny way of teaching us lesson. He's always speaking/teaching it's up to us to hear/learn. I hope the new year is treating everyone well.

2008 Review

2009-01-02T10:42:00.003-05:00

Listening~"Human"-Brandy

2008 has been a year of exploration.

I went to my first gay club
Gain some associates
Lost some
Sexually (w/ guys) I've went to third base three times (2008 made me a slut!)
Received my first speeding ticket
I'm Learning that good things don't necessarily come to you because you do good.
I'm learning how to become more aggressive professionally (sometimes you have to manage your manager)
I'm realizing I'm an analytical person, which hinders me from enjoying the moment(s).
I've discovered so much about myself It's crazy. Holistically, I've grown the most in 2008.

Share your 2008 with me

Commitment?

2008-12-30T10:18:00.002-05:00

I have commitment issues. It's becoming more and more obvious to me. My situation with him (we'll come him Transition) and buying a new car put the issue right in my face. When it comes down to commitment I always make the noun(s) less valuable. I choose to stick to what's comfortable for me. Please tell me someone else can relate to a degree

Undecided

2008-12-18T14:06:00.008-05:00

Playing~"Gonna Fight"-J. Hud

I'm debating between these three cars. If you were buying a car, which one would you buy?

TSX gives you the most upfront. You don't have to spend additional money for little perks (i.e. heated seats). You do have to pay extra money for the technology package. The TSX is the cheapest of the three.

The IS was my favorite before I test drove the cars. It provides you with the smoothest ride and its the most quiet. However, you have to pay for almost every perk.

The G35 gives you the horse power. It's the most expensive, but it gives you the luxury feel. It's also is the most expensive of the three

Give me your feedback

mystery

2008-12-10T17:25:00.002-05:00

I'm starting to believe something is wrong with me. I cannot stay interested in anyone for a length period of time (less than a month). Is anyone having this problem? I've always been this way. In the past six months, I've met two good guys. Both were into me, but something was missing. What they were missing I can't tell you. Both complained about me being guarded. I'm starting to think it's not the people, its me.

No agenda

2008-12-04T20:20:00.004-05:00

Playing~"Gonna find my love"-Brandy

My friends and I are trying something different. We are taking a different approach to dating. We called it "no agenda". The concept is quite simple. Let your relationship progress naturally. We treat someone who is interested in us like we would treat a new associate. Ultimately, the ideal is for your partner to become your best-friend, right? Before we become lovers, lets become friends. Trying to do it in reverse is not working out to well.

This guy is interested in me and I'm sticking to my no agenda approach. I'm not sure if he is confused by it or just needs for things to move faster. I'm certain it's the latter. We had a conversation that went like this:

*we are in the middle of a conversation*
Him:Hold on
Me:Alright
Him: This boy keeps texting me. How do you want me to respond?
Me: {I know he is not pulling this BS} If you want to respond, respond. If you don't, then don't
Him:I don't like him
Me:{why are you telling me this} so don't respond
Him:Yeah, I haven't respond to him, but he keeps texting
Me:You have so many men. Go ahead with you bad self
Him:Nawl, I'm just trying to get one man.
Me:{sigh...he was doing so good until this BS}
Him: Hey, I have to hit you back.
Me:alright

I was so disappointed that he tried that juvenile mess. What type of new flanged sh*t is he on. I wasn't expecting something like that from a guy who is so smart. BIG made that same mistake. He was much less subtle, but that was part of the reason he is not around now. Sidenote: I think about him everyday. Anyway, I think everyone should take the "no agenda" approach. If you try it, let me know how it works out for you.

random

2008-11-25T11:54:00.001-05:00

It's been 3 weeks and I haven't reached out to you. I know I'm coming across as an a**hole, but it's for your good. I would only hurt you in the end. I hope I wasn't a major influence factor in you getting a place in Atlanta.

I'm realizing I'm more in love with the image of love than love itself. Most people are they just don't realize it or don't want to admit.

I kinda wish we would have f**ked, but it's too late now. You were so in tune sexually I know you would have been on the money.

I'm stuck on waiting, but now I don't even have a reason to wait. I guess it's just habit to avoid or stop sexual advances.

Speaking of sex, I must have put some serious sexual energy in the air. People are coming out of the wood works.

Freak Freak contacted me...it's been like 4 months. I all but laughed him to death...was I wrong? What made him think I would change my mind and give him play now.

I'm trying to figure out why I keep having sexual dreams with me and random women.

An associate of mine decided to push up on me as well. Push up on me is saying it lightly...My legs were on his shoulders while he is bouncing me on his pelvis. Can you imagine a slim 5'8 dude legs being on the shoulders of a 6'4 solid built dude while he bouncing him up and down? I was holding on for dear life. Should I be embarrassed to say I liked it...lol.

I thought it was the liquor, but he wants the kid. I'll pass...I don't like the thought of sexing a friend of a friend. You know, we tell our friends 80% of our business and I can't have our mutual friend knowing all of my business.

Slick and I are in a weird place. I can't explain it. I'm growing at a much faster rate than he is and it's causing us to have an awkwardness.

Apparently, I'm exuding a different level of confidence and sexual energy that people aren't use to. I haven't changed my style of dress or anything. It's intangible

Do we give too much power to a nut?

2008-11-11T20:32:00.004-05:00

Ph.D thinks we do. I was out with Ph.D and a few other associates. We discussed monogamy. Half of the table felt like monogamy was unnatural. We aren't wired to be with one person. We are naturally attracted to more than one person at one time.

They were okay with an open relationship, but the person had to be honest about their feelings and encounters. Their process was if the person meets all of my needs, I don't care about them busting a nut with someone else. What are you're thoughts on monogamy being unnatural? Could you handle an open relationship?

Personally, I couldn't deal with an open relationship. If I'm emotional invested in someone I don't want to share any intimate part of them with someone else. Call me old fashion

Unsure

2008-11-06T12:57:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I really want you
You're safe for me
Your established, mature, and stable
I'm still not sure if I want you
You want me so bad
it makes me feel weird, because I don't want you as bad
You have been the only man to approach me correctly
which excited me
I felt like someone finally has sense
It immediately made me feel comfortable
and I'm still not sure if I want you
I think I feel like I should want you
I definitely don't want to look around realize I'm the old lonely dude at the bar
I'm afraid of being that guy
so much so it makes me want to be completely enthrotled with you
but I don't get that feeling
I don't feel extremely excited
I get anxious because you are the first man I've officially talked to
but I don't get overwhelmed
I'm not sure if the feeling even exist
I sure hope it does
I don't want to date you just because you can occupy some time
I shoulf desire you here
I'm just not sure

*random thought floating through my head about him. I hope it makes sense. I have to run to work.*

In my lifetime

2008-11-05T10:25:00.004-05:00

I became teary eyed when the results came in from the election. I was overwhelmed with pride, joy, and sense of responsibility. I felt like I needed to dream bigger, work harder, and do better. When Barack was announced as President-Elect what emotions did you feel?

People all over the world celebrated this moment in history.

update

2008-10-31T17:43:00.002-05:00

I love how Bidden handle this lady without getting ugly.

Has anyone saw W?
How long did you have to wait to vote? A little over 2.5 hours for me...whew!
My friend came out to his mother and it has caused drama for me and another friend. I don't know how his issues always cause me trouble.
BIG and I haven't spoken in two weeks...sigh.
Mr. Holy is abstaining from me, because I bring the devil out of him.
John Legend's album...what do you think? Everybody knows (brilliant)
Are you not tried of politics in the work place?
Slick and I friendship is so fragile. Somehow, we remain friends through it all.

Forbidden Fruit

2008-10-26T18:00:00.003-05:00

I had my suspicion when we first met, but I chose to dismiss it.
However, you gave me every sign of a curious church boy.
You gave me confirmation by talking about ex-girlfriends and getting married.
You further confirmed it by calling me at 1 am two days later.
I had become your forbidden fruit.
Everything in your fiber want to resist, but you were drawn away and enticed by your own lust.
A lust that you wish you didn't have.
Lust that would make you jump in your car and drive over here to satisfy it.
Satisfaction it typically what you received.
You like the pleasure, pain, and taste of it.
It makes you moan and say words you typically wouldn't say
After lust has been conceived it kills you with guilt and shame
You shun your lust and thoughts on how it's drawn to me.

quick update

2008-10-15T09:44:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile, so I'm going to drop some info and random thoughts.

Do any of you guys want kids? If so, what are your plans to satisfy this desire? Do you feel like you will miss something if you don't have kids? I do! I don't know what my plans are to satisfy the desire, but I want them to be mine (genetically)

Big and I have been talking about us. I've been trying to explain to him it's not him. He's great. I just have a lot of things I need to sort through before I become so serious with someone. I think he is finally realizing he has to take it slow or have nothing at all.

Him understanding where I was coming from cleared up some space in my mind. This cute dude really tried to talk to me a week ago and I flirted back, but I couldn't receive what he was trying to do.

Is it me or are jobs trying to kick your @$$. They know the economy is beyond bad, so you're not going to jump ship with all of these uncertainties. My friend worked 16 hours Friday. He is a executive, but darn!

Little do they know, I plan on jumping the ship ASAP! I've been trying to have a meeting with my boss and her boss for the past 2 months about my development. I'm over it! I don't want to have the meeting anymore. 2 MONTHS...come on now! You don't have time for the meeting, but you have time to take my ideals to help my peers do their job.

Slick owns these shades and they are obviously for women. WTF is going on here?! I know you are a lady, but you know you're not a real lady, right? I discouraged him from wearing them once, but since then I haven't said anything.

I'm pretty sure I have to take my tonsils out. I had to fight a cold for the pass two months. Every month it starts with my throat getting sore and it turns into a cold.

Is it not funny when you catch a friend red handed being a hypocritic. I guess porn is not as disgusting as you said, huh. LMBO

Beyonce is back and causing controversy already. My friend tells me about this video that is similar to "Single Ladies". Who had the best video ciara or beyonce

I typically, don't talk about politics on here, but I can't resist Palin. I know they are like WTF were we thinking. LMBO

McCain...I don't even know what to say about that one.

Lesson Learned

2008-10-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

What has been the biggest lesson you've learned this year?

If I had to choose one thing it would be "I'm not all that". I really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I became so free after I learned that lesson. I was more free to do whatever I felt. Yeah, people will talk and say whatever, but next week it will be someone else. Don't concern yourself with what others are thinking about you. I am not the President. People aren't constantly talking about me. They are just talking about me like they talk about everyone else. I know it sounds simple, but it was very liberating for me. I learned how to live me life. What has been your lesson?

Love, really?

2008-09-30T01:29:00.000-05:00

I've been told that I can be a stolid person (at times). At first, I disagreed and had facts to prove them wrong. I manage people for a living, so I connect with people all day long. Ever place I've managed I've been loved. I'm constantly asked when I'm coming back. I receive compliments from my superiors all the time on how engaged I am with my team, but that's work. There are not many personal bruises that can be caused at work.

I realized they were talking about intimacy. Connecting on a level that is extremely personal and can cause one to receive extremely painful bruises. There is a level of vulnerability in intimacy that I just don't like. They become apart of who you are and you them. You begin to depend or allow another mortal(who is full of contradiction and human error like yourself) to support you in ways that they aren't equipped to. Quite frankly, if you are like me, you think you do a darn good job at supporting yourself.

Simply put, I don't like the risk of it all. I wrote about this before and it's clearly something I have to conqueror. I find it so interesting how I can empathize, sympathize, and sacrifice for my team, but I struggle to do the same thing in a dating situation. I just don't like how there are so many variables that one person brings and you have no control of any of it. I refuse to look like a fool. However, I know it's the inevitable. I just would prefer to avoid the pain or disappointment. I'm from the school of it's "better to not have loved and lost than to have loved at all."

It's 1 am, but I had to get this out.

Playing~Nothing-Brandy

Lies and truths

2008-09-28T08:10:00.005-05:00

PH.D ( an older gay friend) tells me from time to time "you're going to end up with a woman". Slick has told me the same thing for years. When PH.D said it for the first time I was taken aback. We had been around each other at the most five times. I immediately tried to defend my gayness...lol. Heck, I'm just getting comfortable and here you are telling me I'm going to end up with a woman. I asked him to explain his logic. He has seen "me" several times. Guys who find men attractive, dated men, and in some cases loved men. However, the lifestyle proved to be lonely, exclusive, and messy, so they left it alone all together. PH.D simply thinks I don't fit into the culture and I'm too logical to stay somewhere I don't fit (this is true). He and I have discussed our logic on this issue several times. Actually, I agreed with a great deal of his reasoning, but my point was "I don't want to live a lie". Do I find woman attractive? Yes. Could I have sex with a woman? Yes. However, there is no denying that I find men attractive. I've always found men attractive.

I hate to admit it, but somedays I feel like PH.D is right. Today is one of those days.

Gossip and reality check

2008-09-24T18:15:00.002-05:00

Playing~Fearless-Jazmine Sullivan

Typically, I don't gossip. If something doesn't pertain to me in any regard, I keep my mouth shut. In order for me to keep gossip down to a minimum I will tell the juice on the blog. Very few of you know who I am and you definitely will not know these individuals.

After I text my brother he calls me back. We talk about how difficult it is to find Jazmine's cd, ( Circut City has it on sell for $8.99 and most people to go there for music) and his final break up with his on and off again girlfriend for the pass 2 years. I'm yawning at this part. We discuss his agenda for this coming weekend. How exciting it's going to be to get together. He is coming up with his brothers (he recently joined another org.). Then, he drops the bomb. "Bruh, a brother tried to holler at me." He tries to keep the person's identity private, but he gives up and tells everything. Everyone thinks my brother gets down. He denies it adamantly, but people don't believe him. Some say they have proof that he is gay. I never wanted to hear those facts. He has done some questionable things throughout the years. I.E. he brings a guy who he claims he didn't know all that well back home with him for a trip. Only for the guy to try and sleep with another brother, which makes everyone question him. He also disappeared on me one night while staying with me in the A. He claims his phone died, he got lost, and he slept in his car. You know, I'm giving him the side eye, right? Anyway, the brother gets in touch with him and is subtle with his approach. He is completely missing it, so the other brother just comes out with it. He lets the brother know he doesn't get down and he is not mad at him. They change the topic to girls...go figure. I'm laughing my behind off on the phone. How embrassing is that?

At that time, I realized....wait, I'm not out. I have these reality checks from time to time. I've been in Atlanta for 2 years away from everything that was familiar and they haven't seen the change in my sexuality. Overall, I carry myself the same. I wonder when will I come out to the people who matter?

random

2008-09-21T16:17:00.003-05:00

It's a mess when you're in the parking lot to go to the club and out of nowhere your stomach decides it has some business to handle. Now, you have to decide do I drive all the way back home or do I get my party on?

Don't we all wish we had the gift Ludacris has in his recent video? The laughter would never end

Why was one of friends contemplating talking to an unemployed, "ex" crackhead, who rotates in and out of jail? MFer are you really excited about meeting this dude?! DARN, are times becoming this hard? Stop playing this dude is a hustler....HELLO!

People are just catching on to MIA "Paper Planes". Is not everyone remixing it? Swagger like us..

Would you become concern if a friend gets drunk by themselves?

I waivered back and forth with my decision concerning BIG and I. He never knew. I'm solidified in my decision now. He is great;but, I know what I don't want. We will see how I'm doing when he visits this coming weekend. I know he has a trick or two. Let's pray that I have on the Whole armor of the Lord, so his tricks don't get a treat. AMEN?! Alright!

I love all of these youtube shows the kids are coming up with these days.

Have you ever looked at your check and realized someone is getting f**ked.

Don't let your friends advise you on your relationships those suckers will have you flip flopping all over the place.

Why does your job think they can call you on your day off? Then, they leave voicemails like "you never answer when I call, but..."

I haven't partied in two weeks. Maybe I'll feel the spirit this weekend. Probably not, I usually go out once a month. Heck, I turned it out so bad last time. I may need two months off.

I saw Lakeview Terrace its a good movie. I still haven't seen The Family that preys.

Have you ever wanted to discipline your boss? You look at them and think you need your @** beat. Please remove yourself from your position

Funny crap has happen all week long and now I can't think of a thing!

Anyway, I've worked like a dog! I need a nap, because I'm struggling to finish with this post.

What now?!

2008-09-16T22:53:00.005-05:00

Playing in the background~"Shirts & Skins"

I called it off with Big! Of course, I'm the "confused" guy. I expressed that I still want him around, but the distance wasn't going to work for me. I didn't find the distance to be fruitful for a romantic relationship. Friendship sounds good?! I hurt him, which is making me want to call him and repent. He was good! He thought we could work on it and I was running. He always thought I was running from him. I don't agree with him. He moved faster than most people I know, so I was slowing him down. I just don't know...sigh

I'm just thinking....

Is it real

2008-09-11T12:12:00.000-05:00

Big is great! He's such a grown a** man and I love it! He wants to be everything I want. He admires everything from my bushy eyebrows to my southern slang. He finds my symmetry so attractive. Who pays that much attention?

However, I don't feel that magical feeling your suppose to feel when you are talking to someone. Actually, I haven't felt it in years (sigh...she was special). Am I capable? The question is have I allowed myself to get excited over an individual? hhhmm...I doubt it. This man is captured by a great deal of who I am and he has his sh*t together. No current or prior suitors come close to what he offers. Every time I go out he gains more points. He genuinely likes me. I think he's cool, but I don't feel sparks flying. Idunno?! We are definitely in two different places. He is ready to "marry" and I'm just getting my feet wet in the lifestyle. This time last year I had never talked to a guy on a romantic level.

What are the options? Go like most to clubs, parties, etc hoping this person pops up with a magical potion that makes me feel all warm inside. Hell, I have in my grasp on what most people are looking for. It's not like I have people beating my door down for a date

Give me your thoughts? When was the last time someone made you feel excited and anxious? Am I looking for something that may not exist? I wonder if I'm blocking myself

Update

2008-09-08T19:17:00.000-05:00

Playing~Get up"- Mary Mary

This has been a very social weekend!

Slick has been in and out of a funk for the pass two weeks and it's killing me. He felt a juke in his bones Friday, so we decided to head to the club.
Bad move! He enjoyed himself, but he was trippin' about his lack of dance partners. He isn't getting play, so he is really questioning himself.
I was not in the mood to go out, so he was afraid I wouldn't dance. I turned the freakin' club out. My alter-ego decided to come out and play. He hasn't shown up in some time. I definitely represented for my home state (we invited booty music, you can't out do me.). This dude was trying to take me home and poke me. You no poka me, me a poka you. My dancing is quite misleading in most cases.
To make matters worse, after the club we went to this guy's house. Slick is casually talking to this dude and he's trying to flirt with both of us. When I tell you a HELL NAWL rose up in Slick's spirit I was shocked. He wasn't mad at me, but he couldn't believe the dude kept coming for me even when I was clearly encouraging them to get together.
I've sent him uplifting/funny personalize text message and encouraged him verbally, but he wants to be salty. I'm convinced that he enjoys the gloom. He does it too often. He needs to take a que from MJB ("work that") and chill out.
I purchased Ms. Black this weekend. My friends have all given their Berries great reviews. I was up for a renewal and I wanted a phone that would last me for awhile, so I picked up Ms. Berry. She is giving me what I need.
My place is still not together. I had a whole week to get my stuff together and it seems like I've been spinning my wheels. I lost so much space, so I've been given clothes away to make my stuff fit in my closet and two dressers.
I met Mr. "Corey". He graciously invited me to a birthday party for one of his friends. I was a little nervous because I came by myself, I had no ideal what to wear (birthday party at a club...hhmmm) and Corey refused to respond to my text.
I'm going to get him for putting me on blast about this blog.
Corey will sneak you, so don't sleep on him. Parker is cute too.
I felt slightly over dressed (button down with jeans), but I didn't look out of place. Corey helped me mingling with people and it worked out. I was a little cautious, because you know the kids are vicious. They will give you the side eye real quick. However, those people weren't entertained. I really enjoyed them being left in a corner to talk about people by themselves. Mfers get a hobby!
The Crowd was diverse. You had guys who were dressed like kid & play and very professional career oriented people. You couldn't lose if you came to meet and greet...lol.
Speaking of fine, about 60% of the attendees were HOT! One guy was so fine I took a moment of silence to reverence God and his parents, but something about him screamed tacky.
The birthday boy was so humble. You would have never known it was his birthday. He was just adorable. He's cute too
One guy who I mingled with talked me into drinking. I thought what the heck, I might as well. I drunk this big drink like I was a pro and it gave me the buzz of my life. He wanted me to keep drinking I was like oh no! One more would have made me a hot mess! I almost got the courage to tell him. Your print is showing through your jeans...BIG TIME!
Children stop brining your fag-hags to everything you are invited to. I know you love her and she thinks she has a penis, but she doesn't! There is a difference between a woman who befriends a gay male and a fag hag. I don't like fag hags!
Sunday, I went to church with fear of the Lord in my heart. I was praying that the church didn't blow up when I walked in. Boy, was I in for a treat. The pastor preached his socks off. I complete forgot about how HOT my neighbor was. Slick had to have a moment with the Lord about his thoughts towards this man. I refrained from Communion, but I was blessed by his words. I'm still happy now!
God is so faithful! I have been being contray, but feeling his presence lets me know he is still there.
Hopefully, this makes sense....update me

Update

2008-09-03T12:49:00.003-05:00

Playing~"The 1"-Janet Jackson

I've moved from the amusement park. I missed the space already, but I'm happy to have left the most deplorable management staff. A ran into a few maintenance issues with my new places, but they are being fixed as I type. Comcast is coming to fix the mess they left. Okay, let's get to the stuff you guys came to read about (Pride, BIG, and my family visiting).

Pride was uneventful for me. I went to one club (trademark). I was underwhelmed by this experience. A lot of people, but nothing to make note of. I've had much more fun with just the atliens being in the building. I didn't tell you guys about this experience I had about a month ago. It was real hot, but I swear that negro was rollin' (on x). speaking of, people will shock you. I found out that an associate and a friend of my roll. Well, my friend decided to try it because his friend got some in the club. I was like WTF?!

He has finally been given a name...BIG. We went on a date on Friday Night. He just kept staring at me, which was kinda cute. He didn't want the date to end. However, I had friends to meet, so I was trying to keep it moving. We reconnected on Sunday. I finally saw Dark Knight. It was good, but people really hyped it up. During the movie I discovered what his name should be...lol. I was on my best behavior, but he wasn't trying to coporate. He wanted to leave the movie. I was like "ahh...no!" Anyway, we did end up back at his place, because he wanted to "talk". We didn't talk for too long. For the presumptious ones, I didn't give it up. Well, there was no penetration. Actually, I didn't have to do much at all. I was more of a buffet. I felt some kinda way about going that far (it's only been 3 weeks). I've never went that far with a dude before. I felt some of it was out of obligation. Trying to show affection and progression, but I didn't intend for it to go that far. I'm trying to make sure I don't project that on him, because I'm an adult. I'm also trying to muddle through my issues, his issues, and our issues. He is quite demanding of my time, energy, body, etc. I don't like that! Don't try to take me further than I'm ready to go. Tuesday, we reconnected.

My family came helped me move, cooked, and kept me busy. I love my family. They are so more upfront than me. I've soften over the years. I ditched them Friday for BIG and Trademark. Saturday we moved and I had to take to get some money, so she could shop (her poor boyfriend). I took her to Lenox on Saturday and she was overwhelmed. "Where the real niggas at?!" I had to explain to her what was going on in the city. She still took awhile to adjust. She also had questions about Slick. I said "ask him and why is it important to you"? My mother was in her typical mode (supervisor). She is seeing more of a different side of me, which caued her to throw the side eye at me. We didn't have a chance to discuss my sexuality. She did make it clear she wanted grandkids and stuff.

Anyway, that sums up everything...how did your weekend pan out?

This weekend

2008-08-29T08:52:00.005-05:00

Interesting is not the word to describe this weekend. I'm in the process of moving. I have family coming. HE is coming. I have to entertain my family, friends, and him. Plus, I have to move and you know I have to get a few two steps in this weekend. Do you guys remember when this happen last year...lol (it produce two post both were funny). I was pretty sure my mother and I was going to have the talk this weekend. I wasn't expecting to come out to my cousin too. I think taking her to a gay club with be the best way...lol. j/k! I think it would be a quick fix though, because I have to slide in someone's party before the weekend is over. She loves to party, so I doubt if I will be able to leave her. I tested Corey's pride agenda last night . He was dead on the money I rode pass Bulldogs at 3 am and it was out of control.

Slick is determine not to go out. He doesn't want to be "exposed" or spend his money. The exposure part is funny, because he is a lady. Everyone knows already! He almost lost his strength when we rode pass Bulldogs after leaving Ihop. He start chanting "I'm not going out". BOY STOP! Instead he is going to live vicariously through me. He trying to pick out clothes and everything. He is about to lose his mind trying to learn this wobble dance. I plan on being completely carefree this weekend. I'm not worried about managing anyone or any corporate crap. I'm going to act a fool at some point.

Hello

2008-08-27T20:19:00.002-05:00

Playing~"Ridin"-Mya

He and I are still talking. He's coming to check on me and his place this weekend. He was so pushy about coming this weekend. After I told him to come I realize what that was about. PRIDE!!!
These men are something else! You can't keep tabs on a man like me!
He's a little concern, because I think he is catching feelings.
I'm trying to tell him to just have a good time.
Oh, I discovered he is old. Anyone who is more than 10 years my senior is a bit too much for me. 10 years cool, but 15+ is not!
Sounds bad, huh?
I'm going to let it play out.
I feel like being a little naughty....lol.
I won an award at a regional meeting for my job.
My job and I had a show down for the record books last week.
They were all apologetic. yeah, save that *&*^!
I'm going to start looking for another job. We'll see
I may see you guys out this weekend (still debating). Speak when you see a playa

Commitment????

2008-08-17T17:18:00.003-05:00

After being all excited and feeling like I spoke him into my life I'm faced with reality. Yeah, it's been less than two weeks and the infatuation is over. It's such ashame, is it not? I'm wondering if I'm committing self-sabotage. Am I purposely finding flaws to make him less significant? Probably. Does his pace scare me? DEFINITELY! He wants to meet my mother. Are you kidding? I vaguely remember how he looks (he's been out of town on business). I remember not being blown away (he was alright). He had to be decent if I gave him my number, right? Do I see a power struggle coming my way? Most definitely! Whenever I feel like I'm losing my independence I will push back real hard. I don't need a dad. He is ready for a life long commitment I can tell by our conversation. I thought I was ready for something real, but am I really? I DON'T KNOW! I'm full of crap! All this talk about finding something real. I have great potential in front of me and now I'm getting scared. I need my a** kicked. He's too old for me, I think. See there goes another excuse...sigh. How do I go from wanting this experience and this man to questioning everything. Am I afraid of love or the potential of this situation? He's coming with his stuff together that's for sure. Whatever...I'm going to make a conscious effort not to kill this experience. Even though, I'm already poking holes in the foundation.

Random thoughts on getting to know him

2008-08-14T07:10:00.007-05:00

He excites me!
His confidence is so HOT!
His approach was so smooth
aahhmm...you're too smooth. I'm being extra attentive to our conversations, because I'm waiting on the bullsh*t.
So far, your staying in the clear
I'm teaching you patience. (In general you move fast. I don't plan on dying anytime soon. Trust, you have my attention)
You don't like that!
You try to hide it, but I can tell you are use to setting the pace and someone following
I'm not that guy...sorry! Heck, I'm use to setting the pace
I do feel the need to oblige, but I think it's better for me to stay true to myself.
We've had a slight yes moment. It was diffused before it could really occur
I'm waiting on you to get over it.
You're going to act like you weren't aggravated by it, but I know you were.
I want to really talk about it.
I hope you do too
I like to gain understanding
This will help us determine each other parameters
You have to let patience have its perfect work
Trust, you will want for nothing

Playing~"Jockin' Jay z"-Jay z (this makes me get real cocky)

There is where I am right now

2008-08-12T00:05:00.001-05:00

Random/Update

2008-08-06T11:43:00.006-05:00

I had a few post on the back burner, but I'm going to squeeze everything into a random list.

I went to this party a week or two ago and I experienced what my friends and I call cattiness. Typically, cattiness comes from females interactions with other females. However, it has somehow permeated the gays. Cattiness can be exemplified through a shady look for no reason. I.E. you walk in a room and they give you the side eye like who is this b*tch. Calling ppl fish, etc.
When you are at a gathering or any type of intimate meet & greet this is not the time for you to play/talk on your phone. Enjoy the company you are amongst. You never know what you may experience. Sigh...the internet has caused the kids to be seriously unsocialized. Get your a** off of those websites and talk to people!
Stop letting your friends dictate your feeling towards an individual. If you think they are hot, stick with your feeling. Who cares if your friends thinks they aren't masculine or whatever enough. sigh...you're an adult!
Why does Jazmine Sullivan take my post(s) and make a song (lions, tigers, and bears)?
Speaking of music.....Monica is back! The last album I couldn't support, but this one may get me back on board. I really enjoyed her show! I heard the ratings were crazy!
The dude who inspired this post is not in the picture. I passed on him for a few reason the main one being shawty/crazy.
I'm realizing I have an issue with sex. I'm very cautious concerning it. I thinking it comes from a few things mainly molestation and church. I have to get to the bottom of this.
Don't you hate it when the person you think is hot likes someone else. It's even worse when the person you like, likes the person who likes you....sigh. confusion
The only thing worse than that is when you find out the person you think is hot is tacky! Why did you show my homeboy your "thing" at work...ugh. You lost points. You come across so dignified, who would've thought?
AAHHHMM...please inform the kids that Tops can get HIV too. I heard the dumbest mess the other day. They didn't say that verbatim, but that's what it implied. Our infection rate is so how because.....sigh
People need to start asking to see people's results before they lay down with them. You'll be surprise who's infected.
My birthday passed and it was so uneventful..blah! I do feel very grown man and everyone is feeling the effects of it. Some are enjoying it and others are like you're not playing anymore, huh?
Speaking of, I'm so going to regulate my boss's boss. You know, you have to discipline bosses sometime. I told them I was holding them more accountable. MFer I need to see some results.
I didn't take the job in Florida. I feel comfortable passing one the money to gain some life lessons.
My intern is finishing up her program and I'm so proud! She is the best! It feels so good to develop someone's career!
I'm certain there is more to say, but I'm going to chill for now.

You're Clinical

2008-07-30T23:06:00.001-05:00

I was leaving the club last weekend. I was celebrating a friend's birthday. Oh I have a little story about this club experience, but let me stick to the theme of this post. We are leaving the club. There is this dude two lanes down from us who's checking us out. Okay, that's cute acknowledge him and move on. He keeps looking and smiling. A car pulls up and blocks him. We laugh and go to the next light. I run the light by mistake. Later, we realize dude is following us. We lost him, but he finds us again. We take a few crazy turns and he keeps up. We are like sh*t! We're tired of trying to lose him and motion for him to pull up beside us. He rolls down his window like he is about to order a happy meal. We let him know we aren't interested. He rolls off as if this was normal behavior! Motherfreaker you're clinical and don't know it.

Don't you love it when people surprise you with crazy? You know someone, but really don't know them. I heard of shawty being extremely confrontation for no reason and rude. I thought to myself that was your experience; he's cool with me.

Well, his crazy decided to show itself this weekend. He is giving me directions to meet him, but he keeps being rude. I brush it off. We are out eating and he keeps being rude to the waitress in a "playing way". He is also rude to the guest he invited to the dinner. Then, he takes it too far with the waitress and we have words about it. He goes off on me. I gave him a friendly reminder that he was talking to a grown man. The other dude just let him talk crazy to him. He confronts me again about correcting him at the restaurant while I'm driving. At first, I'm ignoring him discounting his talking to the liquor. Then, he goes too far and grabs me. I had to let him know. I will beat your a** SERIOUSLY. "I'm trying to be nice to you, but you really are trying me. Now, I'm trying to spare you, so back down." His pride causes him to back down slowly. I knew, he was just jumping bad, but he was almost in a danger zone. Throughout the rest of the night he keeps flip flopping with his mood. I get him in a good mood. Then, he gets aggravated with something. He goes from cussing the other dude out, being confrontational with people in the club, and giving me attitude. I definitely plan on keeping my distance from him. I just found out Plan B had to put a restraining order against him, which he continues to break. Shawty, you're are clinical and don't even know it

2008-07-29T13:56:00.001-05:00

I have to celebrate tonight. Is there anything going on?

What am I afraid of?

2008-07-27T21:10:00.002-05:00

I'm brought to this question when the topic of love comes up. I wrote about this months ago. I read something on another blogger's page and it caused me to question him. I really was questioning myself. I love reading you guys! Sometimes you guys stir something up...thanks! Are we really ready for love? If so, why the self sabotage (dismissive, disengaged, etc)? I voiced my fear. What's yours

Sex is on my mind

2008-07-26T02:57:00.005-05:00

Before I send this text. F**k I sent the text (an innocent good night). Okay, before I answer this phone (quickly ignored the phone call). I'm going to type this post, because I'm horny as hell and this well give me enough time to calm down. I'm not even sleepy, so I can't sleep it off. Masturbation would be an insult to the passion I feel. D**n, your body up against my body on the dance floor really got me going. I backed it up too much, I felt too much, and it felt too good. Plus, you are fine! I'm going to take a hot shower and chill out. I know my limits, so I'm not answering that darn phone. It will make matters worse. I need to sleep it's 4:10am...who is thinking about sex this freakin' early? Your a** was like a dream. It was so..umph! OMG...let me get in this shower, because I'm still thinking about you. This was so random...read the real post before this one.

Mr. Real Thang

2008-07-24T21:45:00.007-05:00

I received the e-mail inviting me to your going away party two weeks ago. I still haven't opened the evite. My reply would only further damage our non-existing relationship. It's weird how you still will not contact me yourself. I have casually reached out to you once in a time of need. No response, which definitely lets me know I shouldn't come to the party. I knew the whole time you were not the one! I tried anyway. Twice I was surprise by mystery boyfriends.

I reflect on the time we shared and laugh my a** off. You were the first guy to jack me off. A few minutes later you revealed you had a boyfriend, so that's why you couldn't finish me off. You didn't cheat as long as no one came (wtf). Seconds after that you revealed that I had been looking at your boyfriend the whole time. I was floored. I remember a few weeks later we stopped talking.

Months later a mutual friend came in town and you used him to get us back together. A month later you were pressing hard to "know me". I messed around and freaked your a** out. Your talking and moaning still is HOT to me (f**k when you say my name..whew). The rest of it was ahhh...uneventful. I remember the day I told you how disappointed I was. You had every excuse. Thank God! We didn't f**k! How do you let a virgin show you up? You've been making out for years. I was amused! I remember being devastated the morning after you left. The good church boy was being naughty...lol. "Life, we didn't really do anything. Stop beating yourself up." By that night, I was cool. Two weeks later you stayed over again. I bet you just knew it was going down. I taught you intimacy that night. You struggled at first, but you enjoyed a nonsexual night.

You exposed me to a few things in Atlanta and introduce me to a lot of good people. Most of them don't talk to me now. You shielded me from the gay scene. You didn't want the negative influence. Plus, you have to keep up your image. You could be a senator or something one day.
You and I both know I was the realist man you've ran into. You didn't admit it, but you definitely couldn't deny it. I was the only guy who sharpened you mentally, feed you spiritual ( I had tears in your eyes on more than one occasion), and intrigued you sexually. I called you often on how bad of a brother I was. You could never do anything, but smile. I'm sure your tale of this pseudo relationship is different. Perception is something is it not?

You served your purpose, so I don't regret anything. I think that's why it's easier for me to be cordial. My attendance to this party wouldn't be a good thing. It may come across real nasty now, but trust me it's better for me not to attend.

Sincerely,

Your Real Thing

Flashing Lights

2008-07-21T10:46:00.003-05:00

Playing~"Need You Bad"-Jazmin Sullivan

I was offered a job that has me debating about my stay in Atlanta. The job will pay a couple thousand more and I will not pay state taxes, which will make the raise $5-7 thousand. It's in an industry I really don't know anything about, but I've worked the operations manager before, so he wants me to join his team. If I take the job I have to say bye bye to Atlanta, Ga.

This opportunity has caused me to reflect on my time here and why I came to Atlanta. I saw Atlanta as the promise land for black people. Anytime I visited I saw young black professionals all around town in their nice cars, eating at nice restaurants, etc. Atlanta seemed like the place to be if you were an up and coming young black professional. I also saw Atlanta as a place for me to explore my sexuality. I thought to myself, "I will have the freedom there to satisfy my curiosity".

I've been thinking about my progress in those two areas. Professionally, I'm not doing bad, but I'm definitely not what I envision in my head. I'm working my little a** off. There is no glamour! I make decent money. My potential growth with the company is high, but sometimes I absolutely loath my job. All in all, is not bad.

My sexuality has been explored to a decent degree. The first year I was here I didn't explore much at all. Plan B came into the picture and stirred things up a bit. Other than him I ran into a few freaks. They just wanted to get f**ked or f**k me, which immediately turned me off. Well, one was MY GOD (raises his hand in praise)! I've been to a couple of clubs (~4). Other than that nothing!

I'm wondering to myself was I allured by the flashing lights and how long am I willing to wait for one to shine on me. Should I take the money, pack up my crap and move to Florida?

Playing~"should I go"-Brandy

Obama and Lil Wayne

2008-07-20T19:54:00.002-05:00

Check out the collaboration between Obama and Lil Wayne

Lesson Learned

2008-07-16T10:53:00.004-05:00

About two months ago a friend was over my house telling me about how he was tired of his current boyfriend. Deuce and I gave him a hard time. The bf is a little needy, but a good boyfriend (cleans, works, cooks, etc). Then, my friend confesses that he has cheated on him. Deuce went into "y'all n*ggas aint sh*t " mode. Our friend thinks its funny. He thinks the dude drove him to cheat on him. He was too clingy. The dude called twice and texted like 7 times within an hour. In the midst of all of this our friend is trying to figure out what's up with me. Deuce warns me about our mutual friend "he's trying to figure you out, don't go for it". I figured that, because of some of the questions he was asking.

A month or so later I hang out with my friend. We both had prior engagements, but we decided to meet each other later that night. We wanted to party together. He calls me while I'm still out with my other friend. Apparently, he was still entertaining his fling. Well, the guy began to want more. He shows out while my friend, the fling and their mutual friends are in line trying get into this popular restaurant/ lounge. He flees the scene. Guess who shows up at the club...the fling. He dances with my friend, but my friends decides to dance with someone else. He pushes my friend so hard he stumbles back. My friend threatens the boy and security removes the fling. The fling calls my friend's boyfriend who is out of town. The fling and the boyfriend know each (these wh*res are trifling) . The next morning my friend is trying to recover from his hangover only to be awaken by his boyfriend ranting on the phone. Now, he has to kiss @** for awhile. Lesson Learned: Stick with what you have

transition

2008-07-13T22:11:00.000-05:00

Have you ever left a person/place/or thing with extreme sorrow, but you clearly understood that it was a much need move? How did you feel leaving that noun? How did you keep the big picture in mind? Leaving when nothing in particular is wrong outside of a natural progression is tough.

I'm just venting

2008-07-11T18:42:00.005-05:00

Playing~"Someday"-Ledisi

I've been in such a good space. Everything is on one accord, but yesterday my love life bubbled up. My lack of a love life didn't kill my mood, but it definitely put me in a reflective mood. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let someone love me. I'm so dismissive. Then, I look at all of the bullshit around me and I think I'm better off than the people who are dating/ in love. They have to go through so many different things (cheating, lying, compromising more than they desire, fighting, the uncertainties of the other person feelings towards them, etc). Hell, some of them are just tolerating the person and seeing how things play out. The person is available and they find them attractive. I guess that's what dating is all about, but you guys know I'm waiting for a magical feeling. I want to be intrigued by them. I don't want to just tolerate someone.

My friends who have been together on and off for almost 11 years broke up. Life circumstances and growth lead one person to make the decision. From the outside you wouldn't know they broke up. They plan on distancing themselves for each more once their business together is done. 11 years and we are done?! Both are devastated, but one is managing much better. He is embracing the change.

I asked one of my friends when was the last time he let someone love him? His answer was 17 years! OMG! He decided to be successful and focus on love later. His career came first. Dating was something he really didn't have time for. Granted, he is shy of 40 and he is pretty much retired. He doesn't have to report to anyone's job. He thinks I have potential to end up like him, so he pushes me to go out and be "adventurous" . "It doesn't get any easier when you're older." He also thinks I'm going to get married to a woman. This is not the first time I've heard this. A few people have told me that I will not last long in this lifestyle.

Another friend can pull just about anyone. He still ends up with nothing of substance (maybe a good nut and a week or two of dates). Then, the person disappears or something along those lines. I feel sorry for him. He shared a piece of himself with someone who could give a d*mn. I mean....sex is a big deal to me. I talk big, but nothing is going on until I feel like if you left the next day I wouldn't feel cheap or cheated.

I just don't know. Anyway, this was me venting whatever

Playing~"Best Friend"-Ledisi

My daddy

2008-07-07T00:14:00.001-05:00

How has your relationship with your father influenced your relationship with men? Even if he was absent,, you had an ideal of how fathers behaved and cared for their child. For example, If your father was absent does that make you more independent or dependent upon the men you date? I know we may not want to acknowledge our fathers in some cases, but it's worth exploring. It's not something we can just ignore. Our relationship with our parents or lack there is fundamental in our interaction with others.

My father was absent for the most part. He was a hustler. We interacted a lot when I was younger, but as I grew older I was able to see the bullsh*t more clearly. The empty promises and the lack of consistency made me cut him off. On the other hand, my father was very cool, carefree, and very affectionate towards me. Now, my relationship with men is so straight up. If you look like you could possibly have some bullsh*t going on I stop communicating with you immediately (in most cases). See where I'm going?

Question

2008-06-25T22:36:00.002-05:00

Has practicality taken away your dreams? As adults we often find ourselves redefining the parameters of our childhood and young adult dreams. How are you coping with it?

Upadate

2008-06-24T13:23:00.005-05:00

Playing~ "Green eyes"-Erykah Badu

I went out this weekend (TradeMark). It was okay, I guess. I don't know what I expect out of the club scene here, but I haven't experienced it. D'jangos was pretty good a month ago.
My intentions weren't to go to the club. I was suppose to do dinner and a movie with friend(s)/associate(s). Too many ppl responded to my mass text, so I ended up going to dinner with one friend, a lounge a little later, and the last stop was the club. Gas is too high, so I changed in my car for the club...lol.
Papi wasn't acting right! He wasn't giving me what I needed at the club. He wasn't his usual dancing self. Apparently, you have to change your persona pending the club. You don't dance too much at Trademark. WTF?! We paid $10 to stand here?! Get your @** on the dance floor. I saw this guy who I've been trying to figure out, so the night wasn't completely wasted. Papi said he was taken. I wasn't going to do anything anyway. I suck..lol.
Papi is just a club friend. We tried to converse about regular stuff and our conversations are completely different. I may shake my behind at the club and ke ke about frivolous stuff, but I expect so much more outside of the club. He gives great club advice. Apparently, I'm too focused partying with my friends that I missed an opportunity or two with the ppl I was hoping to meet. I'll miss the subtle stuff every time, because I'm trying to have a good time with my friends. SPEAK!!
Why do people call each other b*tch, girl,etc ? I don't like the disrespectful name calling stuff. Am I the only one who thinks it's rude for these boys to skee-wee and ooooppp? If I even thought someone was duplicating my org. I give them the side eye quick.
Papi gives Atlanta exactly what it likes confusion (j/k). "Give them all boy with a trace of lady and they are in love". I thought that was the funniest sh*t ever, but it works. He pulls at least two ppl he likes and one person who is just mesmerized by him every time. No matter where we go one dude is almost captured by him. Heck, he almost got me Sunday. I saw him and almost macked him out...lol. He's such a cutie
I created a youtube page. Check out videos from the concerts I've attended. Videos take awhile to upload (~15 mins. each), so I will keep adding through out the week.
I'm moving to another apartment. My current location gives you a good deal for the space, but the service is so poor. You will catch a case messing with these ppl. They are so nasty, ineffective, unhelpful, etc.
Trying to find a reasonable place to stay in town is almost impossible. I don't do roommates. I'm too grown to argue over shared space and the items that go into them (food, entertainment, etc). Companies are trying to charge like $800+ for less than 700 sq ft in some cases. ARE YOU SERIOUS! I need to invest in a home.
I found one place that is expensive, but with its introductory rate it matches the other companies. The bedroom is small, but everything else is great. Everyone knows I love big bedrooms, bathrooms, and closets. Everything else doesn't matter. I guess 9 out of 10 is not bad, but what am I going to do after the lease is up. I definitely will not pay basically $1000 for rent. {sigh} maybe a roommate is not that bad after all..lol.
I'm trying a new haircut. My haircut is extremely low, but ppl seem to like it. When you go to my youtube page you can go to my myspace. If you view the pictures, the second picture is how I have my haircut now.
I was a little pensive on Sunday. It caused me to realize I haven't made peace with my spirituality and sexuality as I once thought. Subconsciously it probably keeps me from pursuing someone. After much thought realized I feel like I have to reject one and embrace the other. That was definitely a discovery

My little secret

2008-06-18T19:12:00.002-05:00

Playing~"Say It"-rihanna

Deuce, his bf, and myself were having a conversation. Both of them were warning me against having my man around myfriends ( I don't have one). "DON'T HAVE YOUR PIECE AROUND YOUR FRIENDS!" I thought this was a little insecure. Maybe, I'm too confident, but I don't see it. When you experience a good thing you share it. You talk about it. What do you guys think about this? Should you keep your friends away from the person you're dating?

Two ladies who I am enjoying

Michelle Obama

Rihanna

2008-06-17T23:16:00.001-05:00

At this moment very moment, I choose freedom!

Interesting

2008-06-14T18:16:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning and decided to look at photos in my old phone (it was so random). The first photo I saw was your photo. I took that picture right after I played around with you. The memories came in which caused me to smile and laugh. Sigh..It such a good thing that we no longer speak. The dichotomy of my feelings were interesting

random

2008-06-10T04:34:00.003-05:00

It's 5:34 am and I am up contemplating my life. How did I get here? How do I progress? What lessons am I not learning? Hoping to receive some answers. I read my Bible, but I didn't find an answer there. I thought I should sit in silence, but it's too confusing. I'll listen to Acoustic Soul instead

Playing~"Promise"-India Arie

Wait til I get my money right

2008-06-08T21:08:00.003-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that not having money is one of my fears. I know what broke looks like, taste like, feels like and I would prefer not to experience any of the prior listed conditions of being broke. Thus, I'm very mindful of how I use and sometimes abuse my funds. I've noticed that I haven't had as much left over between paychecks (less than $700-600). I was not alarmed. I have a back up savings account that I never use and it receives a deposit every time I get paid. Plus, I have a little cash to back up that account. If I fear something I'll have so many buffers that fear never has a chance to manifest itself. Anyway, I wasn't happy about this decrease in discretionary funds, so I did some research.

I found this handy website. To my surprise, I was completely off with what I thought threw off budget. I recently started back paying tithe consistently. I'm over budget there, but that's not going to change. The website only budgets for 5% charitable contributions and everyone knows tithe is 10%. I pay too much on debt. That's not going to change either. I'm paying so much because I want the crap to go away. I really don't have much debt. Housing was a problem, but I'm going to fix that, which will put me back on budget. One thing I found that was amusing, I save too much. Is that possible? Anyway, check out the site

Conversations

2008-06-05T09:34:00.003-05:00

I had a conversation with a group of friends and the topic came up of me telling my mother about my sexual preference. One associate thought it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.

Buddy:"You're not gay!"
{Everyone looked at him like WHAT?! We have been talking about men and dating for the past 5-10 mins.}
Buddy:"You're curious. Have you dated a man?
Me: "no"
Buddy: "Have you had sex with a man?"
Me: aahhmm...define sex..lol.
Buddy:"If you have to ask questions like that you haven't. Why tell your mother and confuse her. You will have her mind all over the place for nothing. Wait!"

What are your thoughts on this conversation?

My deuce is moving to Atlanta. I'm so excited! We have been spending a lot of time on the phone and in person. He has been trying to help me navigate through Slick and I predicament (you know him and Plan B had something going on).
Slick: "I've been keeping something from Life"
Deuce: "If I was you, I wouldn't tell me, because I'm Life's friend and I'm going to tell him"
Slick: "You're very serious about your loyalty"
Deuce: Very. I enjoy you, but Life is my friend.
{Slick immediately withdrew his confession}
Later...
Deuce advises me not to get rid of Slick. Yes, he definitely was trifling in this predicament and he will never be around my man. However, I think he's just inexperience and that caused his actions to be whatever they were.
Thoughts?

let's talk about sex

2008-05-31T20:40:00.002-05:00

Playing~"Kissing You"-Faith

I was talking to a friend like 3 weeks ago. He felt like it's better for him to be single, because of some of his sexual desires. They like some different stuff sexual and they don't think most people will accept it or be into. Later that day I thought is sex that important? It's so important that someone would choose to be single and enjoy themselves sexually?! How important is sex to you guys? I've been talking to friends for the past weeks about it. One friend said "50 percent" and another said 25%. One friend said "I don't have to like you to have sex with you." I've heard of people staying in some unfavorable situation, because the sex was good. Idunno...what's your thoughts?

My Weekend

2008-05-26T20:10:00.005-05:00

Playing~"Catching feelings"-Faith Evans

I decided that I would be OUT this weekend. My haircut had me feeling HOT! I was ready to take the city by storm. This is how the weekend went down:

Friday

After work I came home and took a nap. I woke up in a completely different mood. I really just wanted to go to a mellow spot laugh and flirt. I connected with a few people, but none of us were on the same page. Plus, there was no place that fit where I was trying to go. I ended up staying home and reading a book. Papi was extremely frustrated. He wanted to party.

Saturday

I was determined to go out this night. I took a nap after work. I went to Prince's (a recently gained associate) house to get him. We meet his friend's at the bowling alley. I was introduce to the crew (Leo, Diva, and Humble).
Leo is great. He's getting us enrolled in a stripper class. Oh, sorry...Pole dancing classes. I thought he was absolutely crazy when he brought this up, but I think I'm going to do it. I'll make a video for blogland...lol.
This meeting was great! We really enjoyed ourselves and they were definitely my type of people.
I was still determined to get loose. Slick was unsure if he would go, but he didn't have a choice. I was going to get it in and he was going to support.
We made the worse decision. We went to Traxx. We went there because it was late and they would still be open for more than an hour after our arrival. Traxx is a mess. There is no diversity. Most of the kids are teenagers or very underdeveloped young adults. It's ghetto and the males and females party together. To say I was like fr**k they got me for $15.
I ended up dancing with the ladies. Go figure! I go to a gay club and end up dancing with a women and not one man, NOT ONE! WTF?! Hey, they came for me.

Sunday

I skipped church. Shame on me!
Slick and I went to the Jazz festival. I was so disappointed that it wasn't at Piedmont Park. Ph.D joined us and we decided to go to Piedmont.
This was my first time going to Piedmont on Sunday. It was interesting to say the least. I promise someone could get a great dissertation from all of the social and gender things that are going on. The cattiness is just too much. What is all the self-hate about?
I run into Papi who really wants to party. Papi, Ph.D, Thickness (another recently gained associate) gave me the extra push I needed to go out. I really had some paperwork I needed to work on, but hey, this is suppose to be my BIG weekend.

Sunday Night

We (Slick, Thickness, Papi, and myself) go to D'jangos. We came with a mission....party, socialize, and be a little bad. We did just that. Papi had the kids going crazy. This brother danced his butt off. I thought I could dance, but I had to fall back when he really went for it.
3 different dudes at different times were caught up. They just sat there in amazement as his little behind shaked, wiggled, dropped, and glided across the floor. He's scandalous...lol. I love it! He was giving them that Blatino flavor..lol.
I have to talk about social skills in my next post. I have to!

Life

2008-05-22T10:08:00.004-05:00

Playing~"run and hide"-algebra

I didn't get the job. I usually prepare myself in advance for the worst and hope for the best. I refuse to get bad news and fall to pieces. Well, there were two interviews one went well, but the other went not so well. Anyway, I plan on taking some platforming classes, because I've always had that problem with impromptu speaking. Either I nail it or my mind gets jumbled and I ramble. I'm too logic to get all emotional about the promotion. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the sting of getting rejected, but it's life. You can't win every battle. Now, I'm stuck in my current job, which leaves me feeling a little disappointed.

I go through moments of not feeling much of anything sexually. I'm there now. This is the wrong freakin' time to have this moment. It's memorial day weekend! The kids are going to be everywhere. I'm suppose to be hype about it. Instead, I feel blah about boys and girls. Well, girls haven't been on the radar in about a year. I've never been boy crazy, but usually I can get a little excited, but I feel nothing. I'm not sure why this happens, but it happens every now and then. I thought I would want to go out, but I don't. This started a few days ago. I hope I get in the mood Friday or so. I'm about to get my haircut maybe that'll make me feel sexy...lol. Hopefully, that will spark something.

Mature Response

2008-05-20T15:15:00.003-05:00

Playing~"echo"-Usher
In the past few weeks, I have been faced with a few situations that caused me to make some mature decisions. Everyday we are presented with many dilemmas and depending on our responses to those dilemmas the outcome vary from favorable or less favorable.

Let's start with Slick and I situation. I wasn't really mad when I heard him talking about how he would mess with Plan B and how they've been flirting. As I mention before I was at a lost for words and could do nothing, but laugh. Everybody knows Plan B and I didn't end on the best of terms. However, I didn't have an issue with them hanging out whatever, but I do have an issue with you trying to hook up. You're my ace. Why would u want to go behind me? My less than mature self thought it was more than acceptable to say the following "Are you that fucking lame that you would follow behind me?" "A blind man can see he's using u to get at me." "He didn't associate with you much until I thought it was best that I left him alone." However, I've decided to leave all of that out. I'm just going to ask "what made you think it was okay for you to flirt and stay the night at Plan B house and then come and tell me about?"

Happiness is another thing that I have chosen. I have been overflowing with joy. Yeah, I could be funky about a lot of things, but I have chosen to be happy. I was about to have one of those "aahh I hate going to work, blah, blah days". I immediately caught myself and spent a little time getting myself together and making the right decision to be happy. Acting all indifferent doesn't help the situation. What are you choosing these days?

Just a moment

2008-05-15T22:20:00.003-05:00

I ran into PH.D recently. We had some interesting and stimulating conversations. He thinks I'm complex. Humph, I thought I was plain. He calls me a darken glass wall. I respond with, "are you saying I give the perception of transparency, but nobody sees the whole picture." His response, "You knew that's what I meant, don't try to play me." I giggled. The wall comes into play because I'm so guard and strong. "You're so strong it makes you weak. When was the last time you cried because of some emotion? I tried not to give the impression that I thinking too hard. Huh, it's been awhile" I indulged the conversation a little more, but I cut it off after awhile. I didn't want to be his case study. He gave me a lot to think about. I gave him a lot to think about too. I analyzed him as well. Our Dr couldn't say much then..it was fun. For some reason I need to hear Erykah Badu's "ME"

quick post

2008-05-15T14:56:00.003-05:00

Playing~"Only for you"-Eric R.

I'm still waiting to hear the verdict from my interview. I'm pretty much at peace with it. I'm ready to accept whatever God allows...I'm better off !
My friends think I'm going to marry a woman. I was a little insulted because they felt like I wasn't a solidified homo, but I saw their points. I'm not sure if I agree, but whatever
I really feel like I'm going to have a very emotional moment with the Lord really soon. I'm on the verge of just having a God purifying cry while praying. I'm filled with the random day to day challenges.
I went to Piedmont Park the other day and this guy yells out repeatedly in the middle of the day. Hey, brown (the color shirt I had on) is that pussy hot? I played it off, which of course causes him say it repeatedly. I was like it's 4pm, it's too early for this. Ignoring him caused him to call me a ho. I was like "hey, I've missed some good sex trying to avoid being label that type of name."
Every time I rack up some money. Something shows up whether it's my car, a ticket, a trip, whatever..DARN!

I just want to be....

2008-05-12T21:36:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt the need to let out a good cry, but u didn't have a specific reason to cry?

I don't want to wear my superman cape tonight. I don't want to think about: getting people raises, meeting this unfair goal, hearing complaints, analyzing my interview last week, why I'm hard on myself, when am I going to find something real, how I completely missed the boat on preparing myself for graduate school, and how I'm going to manifest all the desires I have.

sigh

Quick Update

2008-05-09T05:56:00.002-05:00

Playing~"Glory to the highest"-City of Refuge (Bishop Noel Jones)

I woke up early this morning and I realize I haven't dropped you guys a note in a minute. I have a lot of things going on, but I'm going to run through them real quick.

I'm up for a promotion! I know, God is good. This will be my 3rd promotion in less than 2 years. I killed one interview. The second interview wasn't as strong. I just want the will of the Lord done (I got real save on y'all, but it's the truth..lol.). Somehow I'm indifferent and excited at the same time. I'm a little insecure about this possible position. My indifference is a combination of my insecurity and the preservation of my self-esteem.
One of my best friends lost his job. Can you imagine losing 75-80k a year? He's a peace for the most part. He's turn down one job and waiting on his dream job response. Say a prayer
I realized I have completely missed the boat on graduate school. I need to do so many things before enrolling. sigh...okay, gaining this job maybe more important than I thought.
One of my friends caught feelings for someone who is notoriously unfaithful. It's to the point that the guy confesses every time he f*cks around. He thinks that makes the world of difference. "I'm telling you, you have to respect that." I no longer advise my friend on this relationship. I realize he will make excuses for the person anyway. I ignore him when he brings it up. He needs to whip his a**...straight up.
You've been update in 7 mins. Let me get ready for work...peace

This boy

2008-05-05T19:48:00.005-05:00

Playing~"can we talk"-Tevin Campbell

This boy is different.
He's unlike other dudes that he knows
This boy is different
He's like Oil and Water in the same glass
This boy is different
His duality keeps you on your toes
This boy is different
Not the easiest guy to get to know
This boy is different
He's searching for something real
This boy is different
His sincerity shines through
This boy is different
This boy is me

*Inspired by PJ Morton cd (I just wrote whatever came to mind after the song went off. I hope you enjoy my freestyle...lol )
Playing~"Soon as I get home-Faith Evans

Advice

2008-05-02T11:15:00.003-05:00

A wise man once said to me "your need is legitimate, but be very careful on how you fill it". His words came to me today and I thought I would share it.

Estelle

2008-04-29T21:03:00.004-05:00

I recently was given a chance to see Estelle in concert. For you guys who don't know who she is, click here. Trust me, she is a fly chick! She gives you a little Lauryn Hill (in a good way).

I have other things to tell you about, but I don't have the energy to write about it.

Lessons learned

2008-04-27T00:09:00.005-05:00

Thank you for cursing me out for questioning your love. You taught me how to love myself and to appreciate the love someone can show. You didn't love me any less, because you couldn't express your love the way I desired.

I'm so grateful for all of the people who made negative comments about my dark skin. You taught me that my self-esteem is just that SELF-esteem.

Thanks for the innumerable amount of rumors spread! I've learned how to just do me. People will say what they want anyway.

I'm grateful for the season when I stood alone, people hated me, and others who kept their distance because of people's dis-like towards me. For the first time, I wasn't popular in a good way. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and be okay with that!

Even though I released these issues years ago it feels good to reflect on them. I am an overcomer...breathes and exhales. Reflecting on my freedom...God is good!

random thoughts

2008-04-23T11:33:00.004-05:00

I can't overcome this feeling. It's so ingrained in my head. I can't defeat it. I keep saying I'm ready to date and such. However, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I wonder, will I be a good boyfriend? What about sex? That topic comes up pretty quick in conversation. I really don't have an answer. I typically answer with what's most true to how I feel. Will I ever have that magical moment that draws me to someone? Is that just a figment of my imagination? Why can't I just have fun? Nawl, that lead me to Plan B and that was truly a mess. WTF was I thinking! He progressed way further than he should have. Lord, just the thought! He had some great attributes, but I didn't have chemistry with him. Thus, I refuse to entertain anyone who I don't feel something for upfront. I'm sure this aids in my lack of dating. You typically can't get that from seeing someone in the club or walking pass them in the mall/grocery store. Okay, this post is not suppose to be about this. I guess out of the fullness of the heart the hands write. You can't get your dream the first time out of the gate. You have to kiss a few toads to get your prince, but I don't want no d**n toads. Let's skip that and get right to the prince....sigh.

ugh....fish and the vicious cycle

2008-04-20T10:53:00.000-05:00

Playing~"just a touch"-Estelle

What's up with all the attitude towards fem boys? Slick is one of my best friends and I love him to death, but there have been a few times when I've seen him flat out dissed, because he is fem. Now, I will admit sometimes he does a lot and it can be overwhelming (even for me). Yes, I have laughed at him, because he was doing way too much. However, I wouldn't say things like "stay away from the fish". When I heard someone say that I was hurt and they weren't addressing me. A lot of people do give me too much, but I never verbally attack them. Where is all of this disdain coming from? I do believe you are a boy/man, so don't try to be a woman (I'm certain I'm going to get some heat for that). However, I feel like you should do you. Whatever that is

We were out at a concert a few nights ago. When the concert was over I wanted to stay for the after party. I felt like dancing. Anyway, he just refuses to dance with the girls, so he sits there legs crossed and back straight completely disconnected from everything that's happening (he was definitely giving them lady). A group of guys who just so happen to be gay found this to be hilarious. He didn't notice them at all, so everything was cool. What amused me the most was a club full of people who are presumably straight didn't make a spectacle of him, but people who are like him did. Slick is no victim, he can spit out venom towards the fem boys too, but most of the time he enjoys and compliments them. I guess it's just a vicious cycle. His mood was so draining we ended up at bulldogs, because I was determine to dance. Again, what's up with the attitude towards the fem boys? Even the fem boys don't like other fem boys.

When I was a boy

2008-04-15T19:21:00.004-05:00

Playing~"Solider"-Erykah Badu

When I was a boy I thought I didn't need anyone. How foolish was I? About 5 months ago, I realize I'm no island. I was Mr. self satisfied. I would disappear for days at a time with no human contact. Now, I can probably go for a day or so. I need people more than I ever could imagine. Up until 5 months ago I couldn't identify with people who needed someone. I couldn't comprehend their feeling of loneliness. I thought they were insecure or something. I'm quickly realizing they were just feeling what anyone would feel. You need someone to touch, talk to, laugh with, be intimate with. A place where you let your guard down and your embraced for everything you are/ everything you aren't. It's weird admitting that...lol. I'm so not use to being in a place of need. Especially when the supplies are housed within someone else.

Infatuation

2008-04-13T17:30:00.004-05:00

I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I'm hoping thoughts of you will flow from my mind, to my hands and stay printed on this page. I'm not the type to have a crush. I don't know what I would call this. Infatuation? My friend knows everything that I know about you. I've talked about your swagger, your tattoos, and the dreads that flow all the way down your back. We laughed when I revealed how my "member" had such a strong response to your subtle, but powerful approach. Lord, I moved so fast to the closest available seat. Darn, you really got me.

Where Everybody Knows Your name

2008-04-12T07:48:00.002-05:00

I've had company for the pass few weeks and I finally some kinda way.

Two must agree

2008-04-10T18:29:00.003-05:00

Playing~Jiborish (blah, blah, blah)-PJ Morton

It's nothing worst than having two people together and their perceptions are different concerning their relationship. One thinks something more serious is happening and the other is indifferent. Sometimes the conversation goes like this (real story):

{after talking for months and experiencing their first date}
A:So, where do we stand?
B:What do you mean?
A:You know we've been talking for months and we just went on a date (thinking to themselves...HELLO STUPID)
B:You stand alone
.......silence........
There is nothing you can say after that. I heard this story and laughed by butt off.